Under pressure from his daughter and on the doctor's recommendation, I have just moved my husband to assisted living. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Under pressure from his daughter and on the doctor's recommendation, I have just moved my husband to assisted living. Any advice?

Follow
Share

He is 89 with advancing dementia, and needs constant help. I am 77 with some health problems too and continuing to care for him at home was becoming increasingly impossible. I know it had to be, but I can't stop crying. Any advice for me?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
13

Answers

Show:
May, look at it this way, now you can visit and spend quality time with him without the burden of day to day care which was exhausting you. Bless your daughter for support to help with this difficult decision.

Grieve not having him near every moment, but relish the time you do have and enjoy some much needed rest to recoup your energy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Thinking over this situation, I think sometimes others act as catalysts to encourage (or push) us into situations which we find too difficult to make on our own. Sometimes it's just too emotionally difficult to move into the area of evaluating tough situations.

After having made those decisions, there's a period of self questioning as to whether the right decision was actually made. Then gradually we're able to see that it was (generally).

I think this is the case. As Veronica wrote, your stepdaugher actually relieved you of a difficult decision, as it probably was too hard to even begin considering the placement yourself. So she relieved you of that aspect.

I suspect she's going through similar self questioning to justify her decision as it must have been hard for her as well.

I do hope that as the days pass you're able to feel more comfortable about the situation and find ways that you can now spend your time more pleasurably with your husband.

Perhaps it might help if you got together with your step daughter so that you both could share your feelings.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

May right now your are in mourning and it is very appropriate and healing to cry. You wouldn't be the loving wife you are if you did not feel sad.This seems to be the end of so many things and life will never be the same. No it won't that is true but it will be better than it has been recently. Your step daughter has taken away a huge burden, one that you could not continue to carry alone. She probably does not want to talk about it because she feels an element of guilt for taking away your husband and removing him from his home. It is easier for her to just smile and tell herself she has done the best for both of you.
Let yourself cry and let it all hang out for a few days then begin to plan how you can spend time with your husband and make his life pleasant while you do not have the day to day burden and no longer have to sleep with one eye open. You have done a wonderful job taking care of him up to now and he is settling down well so try and look at all the positive things. Blessings
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Please don't feel bad. Your husband will get much better care now. Any chance you could move into the same aged care center - as they are called here in Australia
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I absolutely agree: this hard choice is best for your husband and will be best for you - it just doesn't feel like it at the moment. Well done for facing up to it, and I hope things look brighter very soon.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

May your step-daughter did you a huge service by pushing to get her dad into a memory care situation. I know it's hard and a huge adjustment for you and your husband, but now he's safe and you can go back to being his wife and not his nurse/housekeeper/maid, etc. Jeanne has given you wonderful advice. Feel all of those feelings and let them fade. Then spend time with your husband as you both adjust to this change in your life. Best wishes...
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

May, I haven't been through this with a spouse, but I feel for your situation. I will share that my aunt, after many, many years of trying to care for my uncle with dementia, alone, was finally persuaded by her "kids" to put him in memory care. She visited him every day, continued to care for him; they were both safe. We found out after the fact that he had been bruising her daily to try to get the key to their condo to get out. It was "win-win" all around. take heart; this is a change, and a big one, no arguement there, but you still will be able to love him and care for him on his journey. Don't be too hard on his daughter; she loves her dad as much as you love him. People deal with these situations in different ways.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You definitely did the right thing.

If you aren't already living in a retirement community, you might want to look into one that is nearby the assistant living facilities.... that way it would be easier for you to check on your husband, maybe even have meals with him... and you can make new friends at the retirement community. Maybe that way your husband would feel you are also in a safer place and not feeling so alone.

I am trying to get my parents [in their 90's] to consider moving from their large single family home into something much easier.... plus they can make new friends at a retirement village.... thus, if something happens to either one, serious illness or otherwise, the spouse would be in a safer place, too. And less stress on me, their daughter.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It has helped, and I appreciate the kind responses.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I hope it helps to talk about it here. We get it, and many of us have gone through it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Articles
  • Our inner voice is often a source of stress, self-doubt, unhappiness and worry in our lives. Get out of the habit of being your own worst critic by replacing destructive thoughts with positive and realistic ones.
Related
Questions