Under pressure from his daughter and on the doctor's recommendation, I have just moved my husband to assisted living. Any advice?

Think of the situation as that you've gotten the best care for him. If it was close to impossible to care for him at home, you chose an option which provided a good alternative so that he can get the care he needed, which he no longer could at home.

Remember that you've chosen a placement for him that can offer more assistance than you can and try to take comfort in the strength it took to make this decision.

May, I haven't been through this with a spouse, but I feel for your situation. I will share that my aunt, after many, many years of trying to care for my uncle with dementia, alone, was finally persuaded by her "kids" to put him in memory care. She visited him every day, continued to care for him; they were both safe. We found out after the fact that he had been bruising her daily to try to get the key to their condo to get out. It was "win-win" all around. take heart; this is a change, and a big one, no arguement there, but you still will be able to love him and care for him on his journey. Don't be too hard on his daughter; she loves her dad as much as you love him. People deal with these situations in different ways.

May your step-daughter did you a huge service by pushing to get her dad into a memory care situation. I know it's hard and a huge adjustment for you and your husband, but now he's safe and you can go back to being his wife and not his nurse/housekeeper/maid, etc. Jeanne has given you wonderful advice. Feel all of those feelings and let them fade. Then spend time with your husband as you both adjust to this change in your life. Best wishes...

Maymorning2, I am so sorry for your situation. You did the right thing, but that doesn't mean it feels good!

This is a huge milestone in your relationship, and a huge loss. I think it is perfectly appropriate to cry. Those of us whose spouses have dementia do our mourning along the way, one loss at a time.

Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to express your feelings. Is there someone you can confide in and talk about these things with? A close friend? Your husband's daughter? Consider talking to the social worker at the assisted living facility, or the chaplain. These people are very familiar with what you are going through.

It is OK to mourn. It is OK to feel overwhelmed. It is OK to wish that things could be different. There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband needs your continuing love and your presence in his life. I'm sure you'll get yourself together and go on caring for him.

You definitely did the right thing.

If you aren't already living in a retirement community, you might want to look into one that is nearby the assistant living facilities.... that way it would be easier for you to check on your husband, maybe even have meals with him... and you can make new friends at the retirement community. Maybe that way your husband would feel you are also in a safer place and not feeling so alone.

I am trying to get my parents [in their 90's] to consider moving from their large single family home into something much easier.... plus they can make new friends at a retirement village.... thus, if something happens to either one, serious illness or otherwise, the spouse would be in a safer place, too. And less stress on me, their daughter.

I absolutely agree: this hard choice is best for your husband and will be best for you - it just doesn't feel like it at the moment. Well done for facing up to it, and I hope things look brighter very soon.

May right now your are in mourning and it is very appropriate and healing to cry. You wouldn't be the loving wife you are if you did not feel sad.This seems to be the end of so many things and life will never be the same. No it won't that is true but it will be better than it has been recently. Your step daughter has taken away a huge burden, one that you could not continue to carry alone. She probably does not want to talk about it because she feels an element of guilt for taking away your husband and removing him from his home. It is easier for her to just smile and tell herself she has done the best for both of you.
Let yourself cry and let it all hang out for a few days then begin to plan how you can spend time with your husband and make his life pleasant while you do not have the day to day burden and no longer have to sleep with one eye open. You have done a wonderful job taking care of him up to now and he is settling down well so try and look at all the positive things. Blessings

May, look at it this way, now you can visit and spend quality time with him without the burden of day to day care which was exhausting you. Bless your daughter for support to help with this difficult decision.

Grieve not having him near every moment, but relish the time you do have and enjoy some much needed rest to recoup your energy.

Thank you both. I am trying to be there part of everyday and I can see that he is adjusting better than I thought he would. I think he feels safer there and he has said he is well looked after. I can't talk to the daughter--his, not mine. She is who pushed this, and she is very happy with it. I know she was right, but still feel angry at her. She won't talk about it with him-she says he has dementia and can't understand, or with me, just acts as though everything is perfectly normal and nothing had happened. Very nice and pleasant, but ignores that there has been an enormous change. He does understand, but just forgets. He was confused so much at home. The routine there is good, and he seems less confused. I know all this, but still feel overwhelmed with grief. Yes, it is a huge loss for me, and neither she nor her husband have even once asked how I am doing. My friends have been good, but it is just a complete change in my whole life. It is like losing a part of myself.

Please don't feel bad. Your husband will get much better care now. Any chance you could move into the same aged care center - as they are called here in Australia