Immediately feel bad for putting another helping on the plate of caregivers whose plate is already full. Feel emotionally incompetent.

I'm trying very hard not to "take over" and "do things for them" (mom and step-dad). My grandmother helped me to understand how awful it is to have someone be "helpful" and in reality just take away her agency and actually make things more inconvenient. So I'm really sensitive to not "taking over."

So now I go in to make lasagna with mom (something she has made excellently hundreds and hundreds of times) and I'm not just a helper, but I'm now in charge of deciding how many eggs in the ricotta, what temp the oven should be, how much meat and onion we should put in the sauce, what spices we add, but when it comes to assembly there in only ONE way it all gets layered, but worse the more I try not to "take over" the more I'm the one who made dinner and I feel lost and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. Or I go to buy a new grill with step-father and I have to decide if the grill he wants is okay, or should we get the other one, does this one look alright and is it big enough, is the other one a better brand, do we need four burners or is three enough, etc, and when I choose one for him he tells customer service to send someone over to show him how to light it--right after I show him the manual and demonstrate how it lights....just short of infuriating and then I have to thank the store associate profusely for taking the time to show us how to light a grill when I had it figured out before anyone asked for help. And some days it just feels non-stop from all directions. It all seems silly I know, but the more I try not to "take over" the more I feel like I end up taking over. And I'm not sure what feels like the greater challenge right now.

IDK, I feel like I should be happier about it all (happy that I'm here to help), but I often just end up feeling sad. And that makes me feel confused and awful.

Yes we need some clarification. Everyone knows that food=love from early childhood when mother was the source of food. Food is a very complicated issue. Please explain why you ended up feeling badly.

Hello, Calliope

Why do you feel incompetent? Is the person you are caring for obese? Do you feel guilty or afraid of certain consequences if you don’t give a second helping of food? Can you clarify your question for us? Thanks.

Welcome Calliope, hope you find this Forum helpful.

We are here to listen and help. Our caregiving experiences help us to help others.

Caregiving is hard. It would help if u tell us why you feel incompetent.