Immediately feel bad for putting another helping on the plate of caregivers whose plate is already full. Feel emotionally incompetent.

Calliope: You are a steillar human being! No one person can go through caregivng without feeling emotion, self doubt and an entire range of feelings. But it is IMPERATIVE that you do not hold onto any guilt, else it makes you fall faint and ill and are good to no one God bless you.

My dear soul.....you are a mortal human being, not God. This is what happens to people who get old. They are no longer what they once were and their behavior and needs will most likely ultimately destroy those who follow them if they assume the responsibilities involved with the old folks. You sound as if you care and want to help but given the circumstances with these elderly people, that is often impossible - not because you don't want to, but because there is no way to make that happen. That does not mean you are bad. You are doing something you are not equipped to do. Some people can and others can't. You know when it is time to move them to a safe place - when you feel guilty and you can't help them. If you keep doing what you are trying to do, it will destroy you. Love them for what they were in the past but please place them in a safe place and live your life while you can.

How sad! How tragic!My heart aches for these people. I am 86, and I know that old age alone does not cause dementia.Drug use and or drug addiction always does and sometimes as early as the 50's.Horrible mysterious disorders like parkinson's of course also can cause dementia.Nobody can understand these things. However, many f us can avoid and or very much delay dementia by never taking a statin, a diuretic, a narcotic, a sleeping pill, nor any other damaging substance.; also by eating only real true food especially organic berries, fruits, and veggies.I do admire the people who lovingly care for the demented. I cannot do it.

Watching someone who was 100% 'there' and functional and healthy--slowly do the slow slide in senescence is awful. We look at this person and have to re-evaluate how we viewed them, how we now treat them and how frustrating it is to almost completely change our relationship. To become, essentially, their 'parent'.

My brilliant daddy had Parkinson's. Watching this amazing mind slowly and agonizingly deteriorate was awful, esp as we did not have a 'real' diagnosis for years.

He hated being treated like he was 'stupid' b/c he could not put his thoughts into words and so he was either dismissed by thoughtless people, or he'd get more depressed.

By the time he passed away I had pre-grieved him so much--there were no tears left. I was so grateful for the knowledge I had that he was truly in a better place.

Give yourself a pat on the back for being there for your folks. It isn't easy or fun. I hope that your folks aren't 'angry' seniors. Don't look too far forward--try to enjoy the days you have. I know that daddy was happy to simply have me come up and watch Discovery channel and (I loved this) RoadRunner cartoons. We were very close and he made me feel loved, and I hope I did the same for him.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. (Advice I need to take, for certain).

I think you’re doing better than you think you are. You do not need to automatically feel happy that you are here to help. It is, quite frankly, not always a pleasure to help our parents - it can be tiring, draining, emotionally damaging in some cases. Sometimes there’s the “I’m glad I could do it,” in some circumstances, but do not judge yourself because you’re not happy to help. It is not easy. My own mom likes to get angry and lash out at me sometimes when I’m right in the MIDDLE of helping her. And she is of a cognitive ability to know better than to do that, ever. Less gets done for her in those situations.

And there is no right way to handle the mental decline of your parents. I suspect you’re doing the best job you can at handling it, which is by being a human being with real emotions and feelings about it. I reached out for professional help to get assistance for myself now that I’m in a somewhat caregiving role and it was the best decision i ever made. Be well.

I think one of the hardest parts of this for my husband and his brother was wrapping their minds around the fact that their capable and competent, in charge dad could no longer grasp how to do simple tasks and that they couldn’t “show him” And have him remember. My husband set out to “teach him” much like you described. You need to accept and grasp the fact that that part of your parents is gone. It will not return. Instead you need to find ways to lovingly come alongside and level the path to keep them from tripping and falling, both literally and figuratively. Remove the things that are dangerous or cause too much distress. I think a Gas grill is too much if he can’t grasp how to light it. Imagine if you are not there and he turns on the gas and leaves it running? Or forgets to turn off the flame 🔥. Instead of trying to help your mom figure out how to make lasagna, make some for her and put them in the freezer to take out and bake. Or make some and bring it and eat it with them and say how thankful you are that she is such a good cook and shared that skill with you and how her great skills will be passed down for generations. It is not guilt you are feeling-it is grief. Give yourself permission to grieve and take everything one day at a time. One of the hard things to accept both for them and for you is that this will NOT get better....so grieve what is lost and take all the rest one day at a time.

Hi, I'm not an aggressive or take-over type person, but when I started taking care of my mom I found so often that she would not like the way I did things and want them done her way. It was so hard because I was 64 at that time and had developed my own style of living in this world. Adjusting to hers seemed an impossibility. She was able to demand how things should be done without being able to do them herself. There was so much confusion and feelings of losing myself in her world of doubt, suspicion, paranoia, anger, and forgetfulness. Some things I thought were just nuts, like requiring the washing machine water to be filled to full when there was only a half load of clothes, turning the heat to 85 while wearing just a thin sleeveless nightie, and running the disposal for a full 3 minutes. When I hung some blankets out to dry in the sun she accused me of announcing to the neighbors that we were poor and couldn't afford a dryer. OMG, what??!! All this was before her memory got really bad. I had to learn to not even try to get my own way unless her way was actually dangerous. Eventually she came to depend on my judgement about absolutely everything. She trusts me completely now and answers most questions with, "you'll have to ask my daughter". I had to become somewhat of a take-over person. She's in Assisted Living now, but I visit her at her window or on her porch. Day by day you learn how to cope. And you get help. You can't do it alone. And the care giving duties change little by little as your parents decline. And you will be sad and confused and angry and exhausted sometimes. Continue talking about all that. It might be good to break down specific details about what bothers you most and see how each of those things can be approached differently one at a time.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is such a confusing time and you probably don’t even know where to start. You are not alone.

Most if us will probably decline slowly as we age and we all hope people will be there for us.

Fly into the storm and be there for your parents as they decline. You will never regret it.

This is very hard, but you will get through. Make sure you take care of yourself too - get exercise, eat right, don’t let yourself decline too.

Make sure you have what help you need, so that your relationship with your parents can be focused on love and not just labor. Treat their caretakers with respect - let them do their job- and don’t get jealous when your parents show them love.

Be kind to yourself. This ongoing loss is painful and acknowledge (to yourself) that you are hurting. Most of all, don’t run away from the problem. Someday when you look back on this time, you will be grateful that you were there. If you run or stay away (because it’s too painful) you will feel regret and it will be too late to correct. Anyone can be there in the good times, but the true friends are there when times are tough.

If your parents say something off, it hurts. You want to get “them” back. But don’t correct them. Just love them as they are. Who they are today may be the best they will ever be. If you correct them, they might grow afraid of making mistakes and quit talking as much. Someday you will be glad for every conversation and every good day. Make your relationship a safe place for them and you will have more good days.

My mom died in my arms, surrounded by my three young children. It is incomprehensible, even as I write this to remember that moment. But afterward, my pre-teen said there was no place that she would have rather been, that she felt appreciative that she could have been there for her grandmother to help her grandmother through such a difficult time.

Her words gave me strength as losing my mom was my lifetime’s worst nightmare.

Juse do your best.
Let your parents do what they can even if they're taking longer to do it.

Ask if they want help with this or that.
Help when they're trying and seem to have difficulty doing the task.
Don't rush them.
It takes my 96 yr old Dad an hour to eat but he feeds himself and that's a good thing.
Give them Love and plenty of patience.

Do the best you can and hire Caregivers to help as you will burn out real soon trying to do it all by yourself.

It is very sad and an emotional time to see your very intelligent parents declining. Its very hard on them too. Allow them to do as much as they can on their own. So much independence has already been taken away. My dad died 3 months ago and we were all hovering around mom. She was difficult and argumentative so after deciding to take a step back she is resuming some activities and is happier.
She has a private sitter each evening. We still ask about things concerning her apartment because after all it is her home.

You have lots of good answers here.

A book that might be helpful is Karen Kissel's "How to Be a Help Instead of a Nuisance: Practical Approaches to Giving Support, Service & Encouragement to Others.

Take care

With prayers and friendship

You are way over-thinking it, my dear. Your not taking over, you are simply doing your best.
Try to find joy in the little, day-to-day things and it'll get easier.
Check in as often as you like,
We are here for you.

I think you may be overwhelmed. Which is understandable. You are doing these things because you want to help. So, is there anything they can do for themselves? If so, let them. Maybe they have just gotten used to you doing everything and stopped doing for themselves. Good luck.

To help prepare for when the time comes you have to make decisions for a parent on your own is not easy if their plans or not already documented and confirmed on video of their wishes that they want you and only you to handle all their affairs medical and financial and have all documents and video given to attorney and doctor. If not done this way a court appointed guardian usually an attorney will be making all decisions medical and financial and you have no say when you will be able to even visit. Maybe talk about you being guardian while parent can still make that decision and Petition Probate court to do just that. There are many videos online to explain how process works and get elder attorney referral from a family member or someone else you can trust. Each state’s protocol may be a little different. As long as you are there for a parent when they need you makes life a lot easier for them, but if life becomes an everyday struggle and safety issues is when it is a good time to step in and do what is necessary to protect them.

Yes - I've had all these feelings too. I think it's a way for us to process the loss of the parent(s) we used to know - which causes conflict in us because they are still here. The most difficult thing for me was knowing where to draw the line between taking over for Mom or letting her continue to do things for herself. As it became more obvious that she was changing, I just started doing the things she couldn't until it became too much for me. I'm not sure but I think that made her feel like she was still OK on her own. Probably I was the enabler in that. She refused to look at Assisted Living facilities and became very irate when when my brothers and I suggested it. That was unfortunate because I think she might have actually come to like it. It was frustrating and confusing but now I realize she just couldn't think through complex issues and come up with workable solutions.

Mom's in a nursing home now and seems to be doing pretty well. I can't visit inside yet but we talk by the window. I know the Mom who has always been my best friend isn't able to have those long conversations we would always have or help me work through a problem. I feel this is preparing me for when she's no longer here. The feeling of loss is there but incremental. Sometimes I'm OK with it, other times - not so much. This sure isn't an easy road for any of us. Just know your heart is in the right place and what you decide will be because you love your folks and want the best for them.

I wish there were more family members like you!

I also wish you weren't feeling so bad. You feel bad about your parents' decline, bad about how you're supporting them through it, and now - bad about sharing with us????!!!

You are doing all the right things. The reason you feel bad (the only reason left) is that decline sucks, and the best answers may still not be attractive. But that doesn't make any of it your fault, you know.

There are whole text books on supporting decision-making in people with limited or diminishing mental capacity; but the key thing that I think you'll find encouraging is to remember that this is not an On/Off switch. Those small decisions which are still so confusing: you can break them down for your parents, and support them in continuing to process what they can. So, e.g.:

What would you like for breakfast?
becomes
Would you like eggs or cereal this morning?
becomes
Would you like eggs? [Yes/No]
[If no] Would you like cereal?
and eventually becomes
Here is your cereal/eggs/bacon sandwich/apple sauce/etc. [but still leaving the person the option of refusing food, in which case you offer an alternative or two]

So even at that last stage your parent must still have the option of saying yes or no.

Another approach is to wait. Suppose a decision has to be made about... fitting a stairlift, just for example. There is a lot of information to gather and to consider. As well as breaking the information down into digestible formats, you can also consider timing. Maybe the decision-maker has more energy and alertness in the late mornings. Then you can keep checking how the person seems to be coping - if they're becoming tired or overwhelmed, end the discussion (noting what the person has expressed so far) and come back to it later.

If they're presented with a spreadsheet, still offer them the spreadsheet but also give them the information summarised in a legible and comprehensible format. The same with documents and leaflets and brochures - the bullet point list is your friend. If one way of explaining (or of supporting memory) doesn't work, try another. There are almost as many approaches as there are people.

In reablement we have rules of thumb such as "try, but don't struggle." Let your parent try. Don't let him/her struggle and become discouraged.

Your own feelings about their entering the last stages of life are a different issue. Do you have any support for yourself?

I have to know: what does "doing a better job of handling the mental decline" look like, please? Do you know *anyone* who is actually good at this?

Yes they need your help, yes they hate it and yes they will blame you for a bit. Yes they are no longer who they were. Yes you will feel awful. It can all be part of the deal. Try to use humor when you can, it eases some of the emotions for all parties. Keep on keepin' on, keep yourself educated on elder care, and use us to vent!

As I think about it, your feelings seem to be normal in our “crazy-normal” lives. It is all so painful. Parents/spouses used to take care of us and now the roles are reversed. We are saddened by the loss of who they were, uncomfortable with our new roles which don’t come with clear directions. I am glad you can ventilate here but feel sad myself for all the suffering of very good people here who are just trying to do their best. I should take my own advice because I can be very irritable with my husband and need to accept that as a famous psychoanalyst said “We are all more human than otherwise.”

I don't know if you have a diagnosis for either parent, but clearly there is some cognitive decline going on.

"Taking over" becomes inevitable with time ... and yes, it feels horribly wrong. Still, it's necessary.

Over several years, my late father-in-law went from being our computer guru - to being on our tech level - to asking more questions from us than we asked him - to forgetting some tasks he used to do routinely - and finally, to having difficulties every time he booted up.

During his last couple of years, it took both of my sisters-in-law, one tech consultant working remotely, plus myself, just to help him do simple tasks (and very often, to just go ahead and do them ourselves). It was his lifeline, and we were available.

(Oh, and after all that, he'd often take the PC down to his favorite computer shop for "repairs.")

My mother-in-law had to take over the household finances. One of my sisters-in-law handled his meds. Both of them had to take over the driving. All of these were HIS domains, once upon a time.

He did not always like it. OK, he mostly didn't like it (except for the tech support). But over time, he came to accept each change.

Since you haven't really provided any description of their condition(s), it makes it difficult to address your concerns. We don't need the nitty gritty details, it's none of our business, but it does sound like there are cognitive challenges going on. Is this for both of them? Have they had thorough exams and Dx?

One of the comments you made about the grill is concerning, given we don't know what the scoop is. Helping to decide which grill to buy is one thing, having to have you or someone else explain multiple times how to start it is concerning. If he has some form of dementia, should he be operating a gas grill? Would he forget to turn it off? Leave it unattended, potentially causing a fire? Turn the burners off but leave the gas on? Gas stoves don't mix well with cognitive issues (electric too, but gas is much worse!)

If they are having cognitive declines, it is good to keep them active, helping out when they can, socializing as much as possible, getting exercise and good nutrition. But, if they are trying to make something like lasagna and you find yourself having to take over, it is likely because they can't do it! Until we took mom's car away, I had no way to know she wasn't cooking anymore. I had to take her shopping, and when I would come for the next trip, no meat from freezer was used and the fresh vegetables in the refrigerator were all nasty, unused. She simply couldn't follow instructions to make things anymore. Microwave foods, prepackaged fruits and boxed stuff was about it. This despite her mantra being she was "fine, independent and could cook!" She isn't, wasn't and couldn't!

Again, I'm only guessing that you are dealing with cognitive declines. If that is the case, you will have to take over, a little at a time, as they will become less and less able to process what needs to be done, step by step. Do encourage them to do what they are still capable of doing, it helps to keep them active and feel like they are contributing, but don't feel that you are stepping in, taking over and causing problems! It is more likely they just can't do these things anymore.

It really doesn't matter what they did in their "previous" life. The awful consequences of cognitive issues are devastating, no matter how smart and/or capable one was before!

Consider asking your parents for easier choices: choice in beverage, choice in vegetables for dinner, choice in clothes to wear.... You allow people appropriate options and don't have to worry about either choice being the wrong choice. My mother has only the smallest beginnings of dementia and she has always hated having too many options. She always feared choosing the wrong one. So, I offer her acceptable options and limit the choices to 2-3 which she is happier to chose from.

As for doing things, always let people do as much as they can for themselves. Most folks with dementia will only need "prompting" in the early stages: brush teeth, brush hair, wash hands.... Eventually it will get tough to remember how to do tasks and then you may need to take over.

Calliope,
People are trying to sending to "private messages".
1. Go to the upper right hand side of the page.
2. Press on the circle with a "C" in it.
3. Then Press on "settings"
4. On the line below, on settings, you will see "privacy". Press on that word
5. Now you can set your settings to on or off for receiving and answering private messages.

Calliope,
I think I am frustrated as I cannot imagine how to respond to you when I do not understand your situation. I need a picture drawn for me, by you.
Can you tell us a little bit of what is happening to you and your parents?
Don't worry about the confusion and terror you are experiencing right now; that is normal and will be bound to make you anxious. Remember, this is all new to you. About two years ago I took over management of my brother's estate; I knew nothing and I honestly didn't even know what I didn't know. It took me a while to get it ironed out, a day at a time. By the time I felt semi-competent he died, and then I was on for being executor, and trustee of an irrevocable trust. Another learning curve commenced.
Try to slow down a little bit and give us perhaps one concrete description of ONE question you have about something that troubles you today. One at a time people can help you through with suggestions and ideas. This may not be for you; that is to say you may find you are unable to do this, and if guardianship is needed you may decide to turn it over to the State and to a Fiduciary hired by them, and to just be there to visit and help.
Slow yourself and calm yourself as much as you can, and remember, not a soul here who has not know a feeling of great helplessness one time or another. What you are feeling is absolutely normal.

Calliope,

Just checking in. Check your settings to see if you are set up to receive messages. I replied to your private message.

Yep, got your private message. Do you know how to get yours? Go to profile and you will see it.

Can I reply to a reply? If so, how?

Or do I bring all responses to the top?

Guess I need to find the forum rules page....which is where?

And I'm afraid that because I'm not handling it well that it makes it worse for them to handle it. And the last thing I want to do is make it harder for them. And the cycle just eats me up. And I feel like I should be doing better. And I'm upset that I'm not. And because I can't figure it all out I feel emotionally incompetent.

It just feels impossible to articulate anything. I feel ashamed because I'm not doing a better job of handling the mental decline of my parents--both of whom used to manage multi million dollar budgets and large staffs. And now there is no decision too small to be confusing. I'm frustrated. Sad. Confused. Disoriented. Mad. So incredibly concerned that I'm losing them. And I feel awful for feeling any of it. I feel like a wuss for making any of it about me.

We are here to listen and support. We do this site voluntarily to help others. 🙂

I apologize for the confusion. I was talking about feeling guilty about putting another helping on the plate of fellow care givers. I was not in any way trying to suggest I was over feeding a parent. So sorry to confuse.