Elderly Parent in AL for two plus months. Siblings ready to pull them out after three weeks. Constant complaints from parent about food, staff and other residents. Open to feedback but no complaint seems legit - place comes highly rated and have only witnessed quality care. I am the only sibling local, and I got parent all set up in the AL (paperwork, furnishings, etc). and visit several times a week and do most of the peripheral care (get supplies, help with finances, do hair, take on outings). I can confidently say I have been nothing but loving and supportive to this parent, even with constant complaints and total ingratitude.
One sibling X has always been abusive toward parent and all family members. Parent has tolerated abuse. I have only kept sanity by living several thousand of miles away from said sibling and having limited contact. Parent too like me lives far away so abuse limited but always parent justified abuse with, “that is how X is”.
X screamed at parent in hospital (a fall a few months back put parent in hospital, rehab and now AL) for not being active enough day after 70 pins surgically put in leg. Told the nurse she should “Kick “ parent’s name” in the ass because parent was having a pity party.” Accused other sibling and me of wanting parent to die because we didn’t help staff in hospital room. X was a nightmare micromanaging at Rehab, telling all staff how to do jobs, even to the point of not following official scripts and assessments, no doubt the quality of care suffered because of it. X hated that Parent was being put in AL and within the first few hours of parent in AL became combative with staff and me.
I knew first few days in AL would be explosive with X. Staff took brunt of abuse, unfortunately (I had warned them) but inevitably directed at me. Earlier in the day, we had a discussion with the director of nursing about certain bed rails that X wanted to use with parent’s bed. Note: only one concerned about rails was X (not parent). They were not allowed per AL policy (illegal actually in our state) - but director offered other suggestions that we could do if safety was a concern. Thought issue was resolved but X decided that she was going to put on the illegal bed rails as soon as director had left. I calmly told X I wasn’t willing to go against their policy, especially on Day 1 (I am POA) and they had offered other solutions that Parent was comfortable with. List of expletives came out of X’s mouth and X was not happy. Called me “crazy” and also sorts of choice words which trailed into the hallway (ie created a scene). I did not react at all- just remained calm. X left and did not come back until next day. I needed some paperwork signed and I was hoping to catch parent before X arrived. Unfortunately when I did arrive X had already taken parent to director of nursing office to further berate staff - that is where they were. When X returned with parent to room and saw me, she ran off with parent saying “I can’t be with that crazy &$&&&. I said “I just need Parent to sign paperwork and then I will be gone.” X stuck fingers in ears and ran off, all the while shouting expletives and then calling sibling on phone saying, I knew that crazy bitch shouldn’t have POA.” This was all done in the open hallway of parent’s AL on Day 2. I have not spoken to X since, though we have texted in a group chat that I update with relevant info. I have tried to remain calm but feel X continues to remain abusive and has at times dangerously intervened (see other posts).
I recently learned of parent’s secret plans to remove me from POA because I continue to “fight” with X. I am incredibly hurt by this, especially with all I have done for parent. I have tried to remain calm in the face of X’s abuse. New POA is not X, but the other out of state sibling who has done the least. So I am supposed to do everything for parent with a grin until I “behave”.
Years ago I was a supervisor at a nice AL facility. We had residents who were the life of the party. Very social, happy, and pleasant to be around.
The second a family member (usually their adult child) would visit or call, the negativity, misery, complaining, and begging to go home would start at once. Like flipping a switch. One minute they're living their best life having a good time, and the minute contact with a family member the performance starts.
My point is, don't assume your parent is miserable where they are. They very well might just be giving a performance for you. Send someone your parent doesn't know to go and observe them in the AL then report back to you. This is how you will know for sure how they're getting on.
Remember, you have the POA for a reason. Your parent knew you'd make good decisions for them and you did. If your sibling wants to fight you on it and wants to take your parent out of AL, let them. Let your parent remove you as POA. Wash your hands of the whole situation. In othwr words, DONE.
When the sh*t hits the fan and it will because it always does, put your umbrella up and let your sibling clean it up.
Good luck.
Have you thought about what you are going to do? She is still gonna expect you to jump when she says too, what are your plans for dealing with the new situation?
I am so sorry that she is choosing to throw you under the bus after all you have and are doing for her, it hurts. Take care of you and your heart, because you matter too!
If the parent will still expect Firstborn to jump to it whenever she makes a damand, mom need only be refered to her POA. You ignore the demands.
Let her assign X as her POA. Then tell POA you are no longer responsible for Mom, X is. That means taking her to the condo and buying her things she wants or needs. This is what X wanted, this is what she gets. And if she gets Mom evicted from the AL, don't come running to you. She is now Moms Caregiver with all the responsibilities.
Do not take your Mom in. Its now all on X.
Be done. Sorrowfully express that to this family chat group. Do what Grandma1954 says below in option #2 is activated.
1. YOU are POA so you can restrict who visits. If a person is disruptive you can either limit the visit to a supervised one or you can prohibit the visitor.
2. Step back. Renounce your POA.
If parent is cognizant they can name another POA.
If parent is not cognizant then another family member will have to petition to become the Guardian.
Make it known that you will not care for parent if they are removed from AL.
I spent the last half of 2024 selling my mom's house and helping her find her "forever home" only for her to change her mind 6 weeks after she had moved in. She then started telling anyone who would listen that I had coerced her into moving and that she never wanted to (she has a 20 year history of relocating every 2-3 years). She has what I would consider significant cognitive decline, but no diagnosis. Because she chooses to believe her confabulated stories of what happened with this move, she found an attorney who deemed her competent enough (my attorney says the bar is low) to write me out of her will and remove me as POA. She is also refusing to pay back my husband and me the money we loaned her to move because she has now put her home up for sale so she doesn't think she owes us the money any longer, even though she has a history of making payments to us. The debt now sits at $5k.
TAKE THE GIFT!
Parent was insistent I bring them to old condo 45 minutes away today under guise they needed summer clothes. Arranged my day around this, tried to make it a nice outing- even stopped for lunch at a favorite deli. Right away insisted they needed a file folder with their will and POA from a closet- something usually under lock and key. Kept asking if I had it to bring back with us to AL. Based on lack of interest in their closet - clearly summer clothes were a ruse. . It finally dawned on me they were clearly just there for the file folder. I point blank asked them if they had plans to take me off POA and they said yes. Insisted it needed to be done because if my “fighting with X” and they had discussed it with new POA sibling , most likely X and didn’t bother to mention it to me despite my just driving 45 minutes with them and spending all afternoon Sunday and Tuesday morning with them.
That, and the “secret plan” to have a old neighbor bring them the wrong dosage of blood thinner a few weeks ago because they didn’t want me to know they weren’t using the AL pharmacy. X was in on that one too .
So yes these secret plans can be problematic even if they don’t come to fruition.
Thank you for understanding that bedrails are dangerous. They are illegal in my state of Florida. They caused many choking deaths due to seniors rolling into them and becoming unable to breathe. Florida was the first state to eliminate their use.
X is what we call a seagull— fly in, crap on everything and fly away.
If she makes this change she will have to contact the POA for all her needs, as you will not be responsible for meeting her needs because she has stated by removing your authority that you are not needed.
Choices have consequences and she needs to know that her manipulation will result in you stepping away from any responsibility.
If you want to visit , keep them short , leave when parent or anyone starts fights .
You are not obligated to visit at all either , especially if you fear being wrongly accused of anything .
Perhaps not visiting for a while will make parent realize you can not be manipulated .
” No” is a complete sentence . You do not have to explain yourself . You could also say “ No , that is not possible”.
X sounds like a total train wreck. Why does she even pretend to care about her Parent? What's in it for her? An inheritance? Let Parent make her the new POA. It will be doing you a huge favor!
Does X have her own family or a job? Or is she just an abusive wack job? Yep, I can see Parent getting kicked out of AL next. Why do these far away siblings get so upset Parent is in AL? She gets everything done for her, no more cooking, cleaning and laundry. Parent wasn't placed into a filthy asylum, or jail cell with bars! Such ridiculous drama, when I can bet none of these whiners helped Parent whatsoever.
Parent complaining non-stop means time to "let her adjust" and quit doing so much for her. I assume Parent was placed because she couldn't take care of herself (or her surroundings) anymore, after the "fall event." That's the basic scenario we see here all the time.
I hope for your sake that Parent gives X her POA. Then you are free from the insanity and lack of appreciation. You tried your best, did the right thing, tolerated the selfish, ungrateful behavior...don't feel bad at all. I would be so done by now. I hope you get free and let those two have each other. You deserve better.
It is not so much about not being POA anymore- that may be more of a blessing to be honest as you indicate.
More that parent is being disrespectful of my feelings, not to mention being sneaky and underhanded.
I have told parent that I find it insulting that they consider X’s abusive behavior to be “ fighting” on my end. It is like X throws all the punches and I get accused of being in the fight because I am the punching bag. And now I am not capable of being POA, not because I have shown anything wanton in regard to financials or health, but because I “fight” with X. I was completely capable of doing all these things when it came to filling out all the AL paperwork, doing their taxes and arranging their care, but now, I am not capable. But I will still be expected to do eveything because I am the local one.
Parent does not have dementia. This will be second time in a month that they have lied to me and manipulated me to do something for them under the guise of something else.
Give yourself a vacation from such terrible behavior.
Seriously, take a cruise and be impossible to reach!
You don’t want to be POA of this mess.
The best thing you can do is let parent pick another POA . Otherwise you will have to deal with parent possibly being kicked out of this AL .
And No you do not have to “ behave “ or take any orders from POA or any other siblings .
Just be a visitor , let POA deal with the financials, paperwork , family squabbles , etc .