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She's with someone to spend time with her daily, shopping, etc all of her needs are taken care of, she either complains about sudden sickness, she falls, she thinks shes got Covid, but will not allow us to take her for a test. She does anything she can to disrupt our yearly vacation. She will call the house at 6:30 a.m. with psychotic episodes, makes up sicknesses, complains about anything and everything. She is normally very sharp at 93 years old. We live a few blocks away. She is very narcissistic and will never ask questions about any of us, but will talk for hours (if we allowed it) about every ache and pain, infection and personal things she should only be talking about with her doctors. I try to call every few days to check on her, but it’s is getting so bad, I don’t think I can take it. Anyone else experiencing this? When she was younger, we would take her on vacation with us, but she started always finding a way to make things miserable. I don’t get this.

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Not much to say here. Live the life you and your husband want to have not the one MIL wants you to have. She's an expert at manipulation and you're enabling her. Take your vacation and enjoy yourselves.
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Like you said, she's a narcissist. If she can't go on vacation, then by god, NO ONE can! Next time she calls with an "illness", there's two things you can do:

1. Tell her you're calling 911 for her. She won't want that of course, to which your reply is: "Since you don't need an ambulance, you must be okay! Talk to you later, bye!"

2. "Wow, MIL. You've been having so many problems lately! Maybe it's time to move to assisted living? We can tour some places if you want." She'll probably go ballistic at that, but she will hopefully figure out she needs to stop the antics.

Don't answer her calls on vacation. Maybe the person checking in with her can give you updates instead. It may not be so bad for MIL though; she'll have a captive audience. And Narcs love that attention!
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DILKimba Oct 2020
This is what we do-we tell the staff at the AL we are leaving on vacation and all emergencies call BIL in Virginia. he will call one of our sons if there is need for help here in Texas. We also do not tell them we are leaving. We just don’t answer the calls and we let BIL tell them that we are “out of pocket” and that if they need anything call him.
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Never change plans to suit her. That just opens the door wide.

Do not cut the trip short if she is in the ER....unless it is life or death. There are plenty of times the elderly go to the ER for non-emergency things. My father would go on a nearly weekly basis. The first 100 times I would run down there and waste countless hours. Then I realized this was all for attention and just stopped. He needs a ride home? Have the hospital call him a cab. I was done with the fake ER trips.

The biggest step is that you recognize this for what it is.
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My friends aunt would wind up in the Hospital every time her daughter went out of town. Did not fail. So they just expected it. She lived In a small town. Would just call her doctor and tell him she would meet him at the ER. He would admit her. Her daughter lived next door and aunt was fairly independent but she would get herself pretty upset when her daughter told her she would be out of town. Logically the daughter knew her mom was in good hands. Two brothers on hand as well. Mom just wanted her daughter right next door. So just accept that she will be miserable until you are back home. If you don’t usually see her everyday I wouldn’t tell her I was leaving. Less time to get wound up. Just call her as usual and enjoy yourself.
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So, I had a conversation with my spouse. You take care of your mom... I will take care of my mom... You take care of all you mom's needs. Do not worry about my mother's needs, and I won't ask you about your mother's needs....
When it comes to our kid visiting grandparents.... you take our kid to see your mom,,,,, I will take our kid to see my mom.

You have your spouse deal with MOM......You stay out of the situation....

Mom honestly wants attention from her son.... Not the daughter in law

MOM WANTS ATTENTION FROM BIOLOGICAL CHILD... period
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Narcissistic personalities, will ALWAYS deliberately ruin plans, holidays, vacations,etc.
Which means NEVER, tell her about your plans; of course make arrangements for her care and vacate silently.

Manipulative parents are known for breaking up their adult-children's marriages, by violating boundaries, pretending boundaries are unreasonable, etc.

The solution sits in the enforcement of boundaries, and not providing her with information about your vacation plans. Perhaps someone else can call her "every few days," to get her habitualized to not depend upon you as a source of attention?
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Perfectly stated!
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Only YOU know if your MIL is narcissistic and to say that word is 'overused' is to not understand just HOW hard it truly IS dealing with such a person.

Let your MIL know you will be going on vacation from X time to X time and that you will instruct her personal care giver to take her straight to the ER or to call 911 if and when she has issues that the CG cannot handle by herself. When women like this are made to understand that:

A: You ARE going on vacation no matter WHAT, and,
B: That they WILL be taken to the ER or have 911 called by their care giver if they start acting up ENOUGH.....

Then they will start 'feeling better' enough that there will be no need to call 911 or take a trip to the ER.

In other words, you're telling her The Gig Is Up; we're onto you now and we're going away ANYWAY. Sorry but we need our annual break for our own peace of mind and mental well being and we're entitled to it, whether you agree with that decision or not. We love you but we love ourselves as well.

If she truly DOES get sick, then she'll be cared for properly at the hospital because that's the instructions you've left for her care givers. So, either way, she will be in good hands when you are gone.

Wishing you the best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them!
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How about not telling her until you get there? Or tell her the wrong dates and be there days before she can think up a new illness.
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My cat does the same thing -- she starts throwing up when we get ready to go on vacation.

The cat's stressed out, and so is your MIL. ("Narcissistic" is so overused.)

Do you have a bit of a run- through with MIL and the person who'll be helping her so she's more comfortable and familiar with how things will be while you're gone? If not, try that. Even if the same person has helped before, this is a new time, so do a practice run again.

I write down every little thing about the cat for the high schooler who watches her, so the kid is familiar with her routines as well. It helps the cat realize the whole world hasn't upended, and we'll probably come back after all.

The less disruption to cats and mothers-in-law, the better, so try the practice runs.
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Imho, perchance do not announce the vacay. Then she will not have reason to cause distraction.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Perfect answer if they aren’t going to see them anyway. Just a brief phone call will work out fine!
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