I've hit a stalemate with my father over hygiene issues. Any helpful suggestions?

My mom 86 had an odorous netheryaya and hinterlands situation. She could not smell it herself but others could. It was made worse because she wore pullups. She resisted taking showers for various reasons primarily she didn't want her hair wet, she didnt want to get cold, she was afraid of slipping. The easy answer was a sitz bath, using what looks like an upside down cowboy hat placed on toilet bowl. I fill it with warm water and about a tablespoon baking soda. Mom pulls down her pants and just sits on the bath a few minutes. No scrubbing, no soap, no drama...just a soak. The baking soda takes care of the odor and soothes irritation, the warm water rinses away whatever is there. You just pour the used water in the toilet when done. She can pat dry with a hand towel and then pull up her pullups and pants. No fuss no muss. Works like a charm for us mostly. You can find plastic sitz tubs on Amazon. Mine cost under $20.

Smell – it’s true that elders can’t smell their own body odor when they live with it all the time. People who live semi-traditional lives in desert conditions don’t waste water on washing. They all smell the same, and don’t notice it. In town, social distancing works well!

I worked as accountant in a factory that made leather jackets, and after a year or two I couldn’t smell leather. I miss it!

If father takes any clothes off to go to bed at night, sneak in and grab them, substitute clean ones.

If it all really bothers you, toughen up. So he gets angry – so what? He will also get hungry if he doesn’t get a meal until after he’s washed, and that might change things.

This will get worse, probably for years. Sooner or later, something is going to ‘wreck the relationship’. What is your sticking point?

Music, I put ABBA on before she even wakes up. I ask her to give me her clothes so that I can start the wash and it is happening. I want her to shower at night but absolutely will not. I trim her nails outside on the way to the car I stop on the path and get it done, she has no time or wherewithal to object like she would if I announced it. Sneak attack.

this was one of the reasons we put my mom into memory care. we couldn't get her to shower or change clothes and she got combative or claimed we were being mean when we tried to insist. she said she couldn't smell herself and was shocked when we told her we could. but still wouldn't shower. she would do it if she had a doctor's appointment to go to, but even then she didn't do a very good job and still smelled bad when she came out of there, and wouldn't let us help. now she's in a facility and she is clean and wearing fresh clothes every day. the first week or so she said they were "mean" there but i know all they were doing was making her actually get out of bed every day and shower twice a week. i am grateful they were willing to be "meaner" than we were and broke her of this habit. she now is used to it and doesn't complain. she's not happy to be there and asks to go home every time we see her, but she doesn't complain about not being able to sleep all day or never shower.

I had this issue with my FIL at the EOL. He was exahausted all the time and his 'not so perfect' hygeine had gotten worse. He was bowel incontinent and wore thong style underwear. You do the math on that.

My DH didn't want to rock the boat, so he wouldn't support me in getting dad to bathe (shower). This was almost 20 years ago, and I am MUCH tougher now.

I finally told him he would be going NOWHERE if he didn't minimally do an 'undercarriage wash' and put on fresh underwear. No more thongs. Also the pants he's take off that were soiled and gross weren't even attempted to be washed. He wore new ones.

I understood that a shower was daunting to think of taking. Sometimes I'd get in there with him, allowing him the dignity of leaving the thong on and then taking it off at the last minute to clean. I bought highly scented soaps (I remember Irish Spring, it had quite the pungent smell).

He was never a super-groomer, but as he aged and was so tired, he just couldn't. I did a LOT of 'bed baths' but nothing gets the privates as well as a good shower.

I did figure out to enlist the aid of his oncologist, who would tell him to listen to me--and maybe he was a little afraid of me, IDK.

Dad loved to eat out, at least once a day. The way he smelled had people asking to be moved away from us. He also would have blowouts in restaurants. I cleaned up more than one mess and then tipped the waiters, etc, enormous sums of money for the fact they had to disinfect the whole area.

We were never successful in getting him into Depends. The MidKid who cared for him is not the same MidKid. I've learned a lot. Fecal matter stuck to delicate skin for days on end is irritating and miserable.

I suppose had he still been married this would have been his wife's problem, but he had been divorced from DH's mom for 20 years. It was up to SIL and me.

I was always respectful and gentle, but firm and wouldn't cave on the absolute necessity of him showring 3xs a week, or as needed and not going to restaurants in dirty clothes. It was for his dignity--and I alwasys respected that--but it is still a memory I don't cherish.

Its time to place him. He should not be alone at this point. He can no longer reason. Or he forgets he didn't get a shower.

"What's wrong with them? My hands aren't dirty!"
"Well. If my hands looked like yours, would you want me to touch you?"
Client walked to the kitchen sink and scrubbed his hands with soap and a nail brush up to the elbow.

Mind you, I wasn't thinking when I said that to him and I felt bad about it afterwards - I didn't mean to make him feel ashamed.

But sometimes a blunt "that sweatshirt smells to high heaven! And if there aren't things living in it it's only because they've walked out in protest" is better than trying to be nice (and as a spouse you're allowed to say it).

We have also had absolute failures, when nothing we could try made any difference and we had to admit defeat.

Could you get away on your own for a couple of weeks, try leaving him in the hands of an experienced aide, see what happens? If nothing else at least you'd get a break!

This is so hard. I don't know if you can/should really resign yourself to this. Is it acceptable to just let it go? IDK. Can an aide come in to help him? They're much more cooperative with a stranger than they are with us.

You can watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube; she is a funny & informative dementia expert who has wonderful tips on bathing elders with dementia using a hand-under-hand technique to allay their fears (among other things).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OLrilAeT1U (Teepa Snow Bathing Video)

https://www.google.com/search?q=teepa+snow+hand+under+hand&oq=teepa+snow+hand+under+hand&aqs=chrome..69i57j35i39j0i512j0i22i30j0i390l3.5919j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 (General Teepa Snow videos)

Not wanting to bathe is a typical issue elders have when suffering from dementia, due to a variety of reasons. Your LO may honestly believe he 'just showered' or not realize he has body odor, or a million other 'ifs' can be at play with a broken brain. My mother lived in Memory Care AL during the last nearly 3 years of her dementia journey, so the CGs had no problem getting her into the shower. Now I, on the other hand, probably would have had one helluva problem doing so! LOs tend to act a lot worse with their caregivers who are relatives than they do with 'strangers' who are their caregivers.

I will tell you that my mother became a bit combative at one point with taking a shower; she was insisting the shower floor was 'slippery'. Nothing worked to allay her fears, until I had a bright idea to get her a pair of water shoes from Amazon. Like those you'd wear at the beach. Those did the trick for her. But I realize that there are 1000 other reasons demented elders won't bathe, fear only being one of many.

Try hiring someone to come into your home to give your LO a shower; a same-sex CG might be best. And don't give your LO a choice in the matter; the CG should be firm and matter-of-fact about NOW is the time to get into the shower Mr/Mrs Jones, so let's get ready.

The bathroom should be kept warm also, in case your LO feels cold and is not wanting to shower for that reason. With dementia at play, diagnosed or not, you just don't know WHY they won't shower b/c logic and reasoning escapes them now so telling you 'why' isn't an option (most often).

Here's a good 33 page article to read called Understanding the Dementia Experience which does address hygiene and bathing:

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

The booklet is a free download.

Best of luck!

i've already answered but just wanted to add that compassionate lying may be necessary on your part; something like intentionally spilling something on your dad that he can't just let sit may help to get him out of his smelly clothes, and while he's changing, have an antibacterial wipe on hand and some gel deodorant. this worked for me a few times with mom. when she allowed me to help her change her clothes i had wipes on hand and said while we're doing this let me just wipe your underarms, and then i loaded her up with the gel deodorant (gel because it smooths on so easily and you can really load it up) and that gave us several days of mom smelling better, at least on her top half. when approached directly with a request to shower they will always refuse, but when something happens in the moment they are less likely to.