I've been looking after Mom (90) and Dad (92) for 3 full years, with my husband's help. Any suggestions as to reasoning with my brother?

It appears you didn't get buy-in from this brother about hands-on care before you launched into this care plan. Now you're burnt out and upset that you can't get him to join you in the burnout? I'm sorry, but I don't blame him. Accept the outside help and give yourselves a break and don't fight with your brother over it. He's not "throwing money around", he's participating in the way that he choses, since he didn't agree to your way up front. I'm sorry but you're the one being unfair.

Your parents were responsible for planning their own care and are still responsible for paying for it. You were happy for them to pay you a limited amount, with certain benefits, and solve the problem that way; that was your choice. Your brother was not happy to do that; that was his; and I can't see how he can be expected to feel differently about it now. Why should he?

What do you expect of him, exactly?

If you feel that the amount of compensation you and your husband receive in return for the support you provide is not enough, or you feel that you can't sustain this incredibly hard work, then you are free to to say "enough" and make a different plan for your parents in consultation with the rest of the family.

Ditto to the above advice. You can't make your brother help. It's a tough job and not many are cut out for it. I think it is appropriate for your parent's money to be used on their care. Including paying you and paying for respite care. Get as much respite care as you can so our burnout does not become unmanageable.

You may wish and want your brother to behave differently but you can't make him so you need to accept his choice. Make peace with it. Let go of the anger or resentment that you may be feeling about it.

I realize this may not be the advice you were looking for but it just might be time for you to change your mindset a little bit and I think you'll feel happier.

Good luck.

Think about you & your husband did—you gave up your jobs & your lives to care for your parents.

You admit you are burnt out.

And you are asking your brother to give up his life.

Why? If your parents have the funds, why not hire professional caregivers? NO ONE should give up their lives in this situation. If your parents require 2 people with them all the time, to the point where neither can work outside the home, then something needs to change.

Many of us have siblings that don’t help for various reasons. They can’t be forced. Make the arrangements that need to be made without their input.

You know yourself how hard it is to be caregiver. I do too. I’ve done it since 2005.

If your brother is offering money, that’s generous. My brothers don’t offer anything. If your parents have income, use it. You and your husband can resume your lives without caregiving.

Your parents will accept your decisions made regarding their care.

If your parents are in their 90s, I am guessing you are both in your 60 or 70s. Do you have any income of your own. Retirements, SS? Maybe it is time to move out, and let the paid CGs do the job, Can you afford your own place and bills? Get on with your lives, and visit as family, not CGs

I’d accept those respite workers your brother prefers to bring in. You can use that time to gain perspective in this situation and hopefully come up with some solutions to improve things for all of the family.

You, your husband and your brother aren’t interested in providing hands on care for your parents but your brother will make sure caregivers are hired to do so? That’s wonderful!

You can go back to visiting your parents as a daughter and focus on you and your husband’s own life and future 🙂

MACinCT,

I have to say that you made my day with your reply! Can you drill it into my head now? Hypnotize me! Do whatever is necessary! Kick me in the butt a few hundred times!

Oh boy, your answer is brilliant and should be told to every prospective and current caregiver!

Thanks for the most thought provoking, truthful answer that I have ever seen on this topic.

Your parents worked hard and saved so they would be okay in their old age. Their money should be used for their care.

If you are burned out then it is time for the plan to change. Your brother sounds like he is looking at this realistically and what he is saying he will arrange with respite caregivers is awesome.

Tell him to get it arranged and plan your vacation to rest up and decide if you are willing to continue to sacrifice your entire life to your parents or is it time to be a daughter and advocate.

I've seen this same question asked and answered before on this forum. My father asked us to move in with him and Mom after he'd had a bad fall. We are doing what both my parents want. Neither one wants to die in a nursing home. Dad saw his mother go that route. My brother who lives locally, is supposed to look after the house, but he won't do it. He's being paid to do it, but instead, takes that pay and then hires someone, whom he pays from my parents bank account. The other brother is a thousand miles away and believes he knows best, despite very rarely visiting.
Very similar questions on this forum have been answered with compassion. The difference between my question and the others, is we've put everything AgingCare suggests for homecare into place, and it's still not enough.
Y'all aren't worth the time it takes me to type how I feel about your advice: hurt.

It is perfectly reasonable to hire caregivers and pay for them with parents' money.  Why not?  And the only situation where a child might have a hands-on caregiver obligation would be a very extreme situation where there was literally no other choice between that and the gutter for them.  I get it that they don't want to be placed, BUT life is like that. We all have to do things we do not want to do. Fairness all around is the aim, not the preferences of an elder. So, could I suggest your asking brother for respite caregivers to come in and you and your husband decide what you want to do going forward?  It sounds like you have reached the end of this particular path - more help is needed, you are burnt out, time to think about placement. Generally these days, longterm decline, growing chronic medical problems, mean that caregiving the aged has changed from what it once was. Homecare becomes unfeasible unless you have the money to turn your home into a hospital. I think it is your brother's right, in these circumstances, to refuse to do hands-on caregiving, because there is the possibility of subcontracting care.

Your parents saved their pennies for a rainy day. That day is here. They can’t take their money with them. Why do you feel their money shouldn’t be spent on their care and home maintenance now?

Why do you say to those who agree that your parents should pay for their care that they do not have compassion?

Should home maintenance be done by your brother or a contractor he hired? I don’t necessarily agree with him keeping money given to him by his parents for home repair & then going to the bank and replace that money from his parents’ account, but your parents must trust him if he is authorized access to their bank account ad lib.

None of us are getting any younger. I have all good intentions to clean out our basement every weekend for about 10 years-too much physical work for this old girl who is trying her best to work FT until eligible for full SS. (61). I’m not sure how old brother is but he may not be physically able to do the maintenance work on the house. As long as the work gets done, that’s the goal.

" We are doing what both my parents want. Neither one wants to die in a shit hole nursing home. Dad saw his mother go that route. My brother who lives locally, is supposed to look after the house, but he won't do it. He's being paid to do it, but instead, takes that pay and then hires someone, whom he pays from my parents bank account. The other brother is a thousand miles away and believes he knows best, despite very rarely visiting."

You are doing what your parents want (no "shit hole NH"). (BTW, my mother's NH is no "shit hole.") You agreed to take care of your parents. Your brothers agreed to NOT do hands-on caregiving.

Are you expecting an inheritance, and is that why you are angry that your brother is being paid to take care of the house, but instead takes that pay and hires outside workers from your parents bank account? Are you worried that you will get less money when they die?

What is their financial situation -- can they afford a facility, or will they become Medicaid-eligible? (If they are paying you without a contract, that could be problematic for the Medicaid spend-down.)

If you are bound and determined to keep your parents out of a NH, then it seems that you and your H will suffer the results of that -- physically, emotionally, etc. You can only change yourselves, not other people, so don't expect any different from your brothers.

As long as you put the "wants" of your parents above you and your husband's physical and mental wellbeing and needs, the situation will continue as it is.

I don't see why two of the posters have been so negative with their responses except that answers have to fit their preconceived ideals or they lash out. That shows me there are some closed minds about this topic. The idea behind asking a question on an open forum like this is to get impartial opinions. It's sad to see people react in anger. These have been well thought out responses, and almost all contradict the OP's apparent point of view.

I’m trying to make sure I understand the root of your anger with your brother. Let me see if I grasp the situation. You and H get free room and board, so rent is free and food etc is paid for somehow. Your parents get X hours caregiving by contracted workers, and you get paid for your caregiving hours as well, but at a lesser rate than the contracted aides. And one thing you’re upset about is the disparity in pay. It’s always muddier waters if the caregivers are living rent free, but have you actually tried running the numbers? Ex: your caregiving hours X the aides hourly contracted wage being paid minus a reasonable rent/food allowance? How does that shake out? If it’s less than you’re getting, then it would be reasonable to show it to your brother as evidence of justification for a rate increase.

If I’m understanding your issue with the house maintenance, (like lawn mowing etc?) brother gets paid to do it, but also pays someone else out of the parents account? That does sound like double dipping to me, unless the costs are more than he gets paid? Ex: he gets $50 to mow lawn, lawn guy charges $75, he withdraws $25 more from the account to cover it. Is it possible that’s the situation?

And of course you are burned out, see him seemingly getting off light, and the money is the lighter fluid on the burn. These are my suggestions to be able to reason with brother and hopefully come to a better understanding of what’s happening, what could change, what won’t, and what you can live with.