It’s sad when no one goes to visit you in the nursing home. Can anyone relate?

I had to sit on my response for a bit. Because at the heart of it - yes...it is sad. And there are those who are responding here that are responding in a generalized way about people who were probably a normal level of personality - maybe a little selfish or a little hard to get along with, but over all - they are fairly average people who didn't really do a lot of damage along the way - they ruffled a few feathers here or there but were nice enough to some people, maybe not to others. Or they had their good and bad days. But they weren't inherently bad people.

But let me ask this question. What do you do about the people who were....not those people? Those people who have reached those last years of their lives and have only become a much worse version of their younger selves? Who were abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally) of their children - who then for one reason or another ended up as their caregivers. Then they by some miracle after years of caregiving finally managed to get their parent into a skilled nursing facility because they could no longer care for them physically ( after more years of emotional and mental abuse as adults). And those people while they will do all that they can to manage their parent's care from a distance will also do all that they can to avoid them as much as humanly possible to avoid the confrontation and abuse that will be sure to continue.

This is the scenario we are in with my FIL. He is on the precipice of needing to move from his home, where my SIL is his primary caregiver (live in) and her DH, my DH (her brother) and I are all involved in his care. Once he is in a skilled nursing facility - it will be, quite honestly as if a weight has lifted off of all of our shoulders. He is a true narcissist (as in the personality disorder, not just some personality traits), he is abusive and has been their entire lives, he does not care in the least about the members of his family in any way as long his needs are met and only peripherally does he care about any hardship that happens to his family in as much as it impacts HIM directly. Anything we do for him is OWED to him. He will yell, threaten, tantrum. scream, throw things, and act for all intents and purposes like an overgrown toddler at the mere threat of not getting what he wants.

So for us, we will be visiting the bare minimum. He will expect us to come to the SNF every single day and see to his needs as he has been taken care of at home all day every day. And we will minimize contact as much as possible. If that makes us uncaring or unfeeling, I will 100% own that. Because it protects my husband and SIL from his continued abuse.

Anyone else - visits would be regular and enjoyable and would look forward to seeing them and they would only be moved out of sheer necessity to begin with.

He NEEDS to be in a SNF, both for medical need, but also for the mental and physical well being and health of his family. And to preserve that, if he we are able to get him moved, visiting with any regularity would NOT be in our best interests.