It’s sad when no one goes to visit you in the nursing home. Can anyone relate?

I would attempt to redirect her by saying that you don’t know and can’t do anything about it, but she can always make friends where she is.

Yes, and she has no clue that her bad behavior caused it.

I wouldn't visit either in your situation.

Sadly, the visits trickle off even when they were nice people.

Happiness comes from WITHIN a person.

Some folk get plenty of visitors yet are still the grump "they never stay long" etc

Other share jokes with staff & stories with other residents & are happy in their day.

Looking at one's life is the Last Task: one can look back with regret or pride.

When she complains tell her the truth. If she had been a nicer person, she may have visitors. If she treated you different over the years, you may be more likely to visit. She will be happier if she excepts this is where she needs to be. Will more likely get help from aides if she is nice then complaining and grumpy. Aides loved my Mom because she was no trouble. She was always pleasant to them. There was many a time an aide or Nurse would be sitting talking to her when I went to visit. You attract more Bees with Honey than vinegar.

Sometimes when we start complaining about others, we really need to look at ourselves. Do we go out of our way to call or send a card? Sometimes we have to make the first move. If we have and get nothing back, then we have just except the other person is not interested and go on from there. Or, have we done something or said something to offend. I have a SIL that does not seem to care or realize that what she says is hurtful or condescending. I think she is working on that but after 40 yrs, I still wait for that shoe to fall.

She can't expect to be nasty and tell lies about people and then expect them to want to visit her. And like MJ said, even the nice ones have no visitors. By the time Mom was in AL I would say her Dementia was in the middle stages. She had no visitors not even her son who was retired by then. He may have seen her once. My cousin visited more often. She had been very involved in her church but no minister visited. No friends just me for a little while each day because I was 5 min away. I know, she had Dementia and people do not know how to deal with that. She did receive a card every month from two ladies who went to our church.

Keep to your boundries. But I would feel bad for her to but...she made her bed.

My MIL is one more bad fall away from being put in a NH.

And I think there may be 10 people who would visit her, I'm not one.

She was miserable and nasty all her adult life and sent me packing several years ago.

As sad as I would feel that she has brought this on herself ( the loneliness and isolation) SHE BROUGHT IT ON HERSELF by being nasty and cutting to everyone but her daughter and her kids. No inlaws, no neighbors, nobody.

The other day my DH said "I am thinking we don't need a funeral when mom dies. It seems like such a waste of time. She hates everybody and has outlived all her family (sibs and such).

I said "Your call. I'm not 'allowed' to go anyway.

No dementia. Just a nasty person. When there is all this love surrounding her that she shoves away with both hands.

I don’t think they realize they are to blame for their lack of visitors. My guess is they saw nothing wrong with their behavior even now. My grandmother drove people away with her nastiness but she insisted people did not visit because they don’t want you when you are old. Notice the excuse is something she couldn’t change.

Such difficult and sad situations! I know from personal experience that it's not easy to forgive those who have treated me badly. YES it's tough to let go of our anger [ resentment and bitterness ] when we've 'been wronged' by others, especially family members. But I also believe that nobody is 100% terrible or toxic or unforgivable AND everyone deserves mercy. Life deals out different cards to all and most human beings struggle, doing the best they can.

No need to be cruel for sure. You are right - tell her to take it up with family. Then just encourage her to be involved in the activities where she is now living and build friends there - if possible - You said NH, so IDK what they really have going on there.

Good Morning,

Keep in mind folks the Pandemic has made people afraid of visiting medical facilities--this Co-Vid thing doesn't seem to be going away. People are afraid of getting sick.

The Church people are faithful and consistent. Do you know how many people I visited in the family that weren't exactly my cup of tea but I did it anyway. I was sick and you visited me.

Depends on where you are coming from...I always showed up and checked on all the elderly. Life isn't even Steven. Are there some personalities that you get along with better than the others--absolutely.

There are also programs to adopt a grandchild. You have to work with what you have. I'm sure there are other residents who are in the same position. Can you find 1-2 other residents and introduce them?

All families are the same--the same personalities are in every workplace, neighborhood, etc.

I would call on the people at the facility. There must be an activity coordinator, etc. or chaplain. This is quite common. People are stretched today--couples are "both" working not like years ago where women were available to provide the caregiving.

I hope this helps. Loneliness is a terrible thing and should not be used as a punishment but dealt with so the person won't go into a severe depression.

My mother has burnt her bridges with everyone in her family and I mean everyone except my brother, and, he is just hanging on because he is the last of the Mohicans.

I haven't spoken to her in 10 years, her brother 30 years, I do help behind the scenes and I am the front person for my step-mother. Brother handles the "B", I handle the one with the dementia.

No one but my brother even talks to her let alone visit. To all of us she died years ago. And, here is kicker, it doesn't bother her in the least.

Life in a NH can be depressing. We have no children, so if I ever need to be in a NH, I’d end my life. I don’t want to just exist; I want to live. If I cannot live, why bother with NH.

Just my opinion …

Don’t think that the people, who made others miserable during their lifetimes and are in assisted living or a nursing home, have any introspection as to why nobody visits.

By the time the individual who was unpleasant is in one of these places, it is too late. There is no way for them to be able to reach out to the family or friends they have/had, because they are either dead or have written the individual off. It is too late for the leopard to change its spots.

I know my MIL has no introspection on all the things she did for at least 25 years that made her son’s life miserable and mine a chore. Even after pleading for her to stop sending things we didn’t want, and I started selling, it took her son telling her that I put the item up for sale at work several times for her to stop.

I would have preferred short little trips, some nice activities or enjoyable outside action with the in-laws, but that was not to be. They could have met us at our beach vacation or gone with us on other vacations but they weren’t interested. The gift of time is better than the gift of things.

If these older folks didn’t have time for the younger people and be pleasant, why be visited when they are old.

its sad when anyone has to be in a nursing home,

Sounds like a rant. I'm a kind, caring compassion person with no family, no family gatherings, no caring calls... just an empty void. Plenty of nasty folks, especially those who's personalities have changed from dementia have caring kin. It's an individual choice within yourself, within you conscience as to how you reach out to others. Your care appears to be conditional... "if they had been some way other than how they were, you would come to bat". Sounds very human, sadly.

If your MIL is coherent and capable of relating to other people, it is up to her to make connections (or not) in her new living situation. Past relationships, whether family or friends, are not obligated to keep someone company or entertain them, especially if he or she is crabby and bitter and self-absorbed.

No. in life we make our own choices. I’m not in a nursing home and no one visits me. But that is the way I like it. If they want companionship there are other people in the home she can befriend

I hope her son visits her at least once in a while. Toxic or not, she's his family and if he is overseeing her care, visits are essential to see what's really happening. Staff at my mother's senior residence commented that many families "dump" their parents at the facility and never visit. They thought it was not the right thing to do.

Everyone, toxic or not, needs someone to look out for their care in a nursing home setting. Everyone needs an advocate. If the person is so toxic that no one can stand their company then the visits can be done from a safe distance, go see her from a distance, talk to the staff who cares for her, get an update, see if she has any needs or concerns, basically show that she has someone who’s looking in and cares. It makes a real difference in care and simply a basic human need. No one is getting back or getting even by not doing this, and it’s not a matter of obligation or guilt. I have a sibling who’s very hard to deal with for more than a few minutes, he’s been difficult his whole life. I limit my exposure for certain and take in little of his negativity and rudeness. If he were to enter a nursing home, I’d do what I described above, it’s what anyone in care needs

I read an article this morning describing how, in Japan, moms take their little kids, birth to two or three, to a care home and it livens up the inmates. Perfect! I am a childless wife of a disabled 88 year old with some dementia. It's a hard life, BUT I have incredible neighbors, some of whom offer to "babysit" if I need to go to the grocery, etc. My most wonderful times are when my brother and his dear wife bring their sweet, smart 2+ year old grandson to visit. It livens up my day and he makes me laugh. I have to plan ahead so that I have appropriate vegan treats and the house is free of reachable meds and other hazards. Without this wonderful child my life would be sad and probably tearful. If you have no baby in your life, no little relative, seek out a nursery or child care facility and try to make an arrangement to visit. If you are the caregiver, look around to see what's available. Around for little kids to entertain your patient. It will enliven his/her life and yours.

What a person accumulates during their existence has a way to catch up. Those who neglected those around, acted mean spirited and promoted dissension can expect very little from others, including blood relatives. It’s nice to be important, but is more important to be nice.

Maybe she was mistreated, but anyway, can't we all be forgiving and give her a visit?

Sadly, even kind and generous people are forgotten in nursing homes: young people are "too busy."

Go ahead and rant...................................it won't change anything, but you'll probably get some relief. Now, go make your own end-of-life plans, so no one has to rant about you.

How I see it is your MIL who was a terrible person is pretty much getting what she deserves.
It's sad when a caring, loving person who gave of their time to their family gets ignored in a nursing home.
If you want to visit her, know what you're doing it out of the kindness of your heart and God bless you for it. You don't owe her anything and if you don't visit her, think no more about it.

I have always said "What goes around comes around" meaning how you treat others will come back to you. If you have been kind, you will have kindness back. (Not that there won't be "a good deed never goes unpunished) but eventually you will get back in kind. But if you have been nasty and abusive, that will also come back on you as being a lonely person. You can't s**t on people and expect them to continually take it. How do these people learn. By someone being blunt and telling them they better change their ways. Because if you don't you are going to be one lonely person. They choose to continue to be nasty and abusive because they think they are right. A mental disorder, probably, but don't expect me to visit and continue to take the abuse. There are consequences in life for the things we do. Some people surely don't deserve to be lonely others...is a consequence of their actions. Sad yes. Has MIL learned anything? For me life is a learning process. Some, like my daughter learn early in life. Me it took till Mr. 60s to learn certain things. 70s, I am still learning.

My ex never had anything to do with his daughter and she has a lot of his traits. He retired and told his fellow worker that he was going to spend the rest of his life in his recliner, drinking beer and watching TV. He died at 69 from CHF in his chair, with a pile if beer cans next to it watching TV. He could have had a different life if he had taken the time to know and be involved with his daughter but he chose to be alone.

My MIL believed that you got more bees with honey than vinegar. Must have been something her Mum (she was from London) drummed into her as a child when she was nasty. She used this honey thing when dealing with people and they thought she was the sweetest old lady. But wait till she didn't get her own way, NASTY. She also lied especially to get her out of situations she had gotten herself into because she lied. I got along with her but I never visited without my husband because of the lies she told him I said when I visited alone. In-laws moving 900 miles away was probably a good thing. One week or two a year was enough. Bad thing is my daughter lost out on knowing her grandfather. She was 4 when they left and 7 when he passed at the age of 71. If they had stayed her, she would have been close to him.

In the God says u reap what u sow more than u sow later than u sow. So in other words u make ur bed and u have to Latin it. I’m sorry she’s going through that. I can say she give herself and focus on God. God said ppl will fail u he never will. She just has to get over it and apologize to her live ones.

Sunflowergarden: Perhaps it's not too late for your MIL to make these connections.

The following is a little bit off topic. I had two friends. The gentleman suffered from Alzheimer's and was in a SNF for twelve years. His wife, who did NOT possess a driver's license to operate a motor vehicle, visited him EVERY DAY for the twelve years. That equated to a total of 4,380 visits. I thought it to be extraordinary.

Yes, it is sad. However, there are many reasons why that person does not get actual visitors. Maybe they get lots of phone calls instead or maybe when they get a visitor, they are rude to them or they ask inappropriate questions or they get agitated. Maybe they are too needy or maybe they stink horribly and they refuse to take a bath.

My sister's MIL is on the path to no visitors. She is demanding and totally clueless about anyone else's time. She also speaks bad of others. She has done this for the last 25 years, its just worse now.

My mother has no visitors other than me. Her "friends" have all passed away. Her only living brother no longer drives, and my Mom was a bully to his wife. When one of my cousins visits her, she tells everyone that she doesn't know who she is and will tell them to go away and refuse to talk to her. There are days when I no longer want to visit her as she is argumentative, and hurls her verbal threats. So I then take a break from visiting her for a day or so, then I go at it again.

Thankfully, the facility brings in therapy dogs once a week and they encourage all the residents to get out of their room.

Do I feel sad? No. However, it has made me rethink about getting old.

We must all be forgiving and kind to those in their last days, weeks and months unless they are a criminal. but if they were just hard to get along with or understand, selfish, they still deserve another chance. After all they did the best they could with what they knew and had.