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Hi all. Haven't been here in a while. My mom is 85 and has had 24/7 care since a stroke almost 2 years ago that left her paralyzed on one side. At first, she was able to sit in the wheelchair for a long time, wanted to go out to eat when possible, and was chatty and wanting me to Google certain celebrities and read about them to her. She's slowly become less enthusiastic about all of that, and her short-term memory continues to get worse. She used to want visitors. Lately, she never wants to get out of bed or do anything, really. She says she is never bored (she is "cogitating") nor is she depressed. I am an only child and visit her 2-3 times a week, but lately she doesn't have much to say and, in fact, seems kind of stressed about feeling like she has to engage. Even if I or my kids sit there quietly, she'll say maybe we should go. I think she feels self-conscious about not having much to say. Today I asked her if she ever thinks about dying and she said no, why would I ask such a ridiculous question. She has a tremendous life force and has bounced back after so many illnesses and personal tragedies. I don't think she actually does think about or want to die, yet she is definitely not living. I'm not sure whether to keep visiting her or just call. It takes me a while to get to her apartment. I will visit her, but maybe not as often. It seems somewhat stressful for her.

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Xinabess, thanks for coming back on the forum and giving us an update. I think you are right when you say "I think she feels self-conscious about not having much to say."

Here is an idea. Start doing a family tree. Then you can ask your Mom questions about her own parents and her grand-parents. Bring in old photos of people you have no idea who in the world they are. This might perk her up as usually elders are a store house of family history with great stories :)

Oh how I wished I would have done that. I don't know the correct names of my Mom's grandparents so the family tree stops on both sides of her family. Their photos could be right in front of me but I have no clue.
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Xinabess, every poster here is an individual with their own ideas and issues. It’s easy for us, even and especially if we’ve been through much the same experience to generalize and say do this or do that. Perhaps you just need a cyber hug and not really advice. That’s absolutely fine. My own mother completely disengaged socially when I placed her in a SNF. She also was a breast cancer survivor and suffered from constant UTIs. But I would never presume to compare your mom to mine. We here do, however, understand how you feel even if we are not privy to the minutiae of your life and relationship with your mom. We are only showing our concern for your situation and our desire to help you. Please know that we are here for you for whatever you need and whenever you need it. Open 24/7!
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Could you bring cards or a board game to play with her? Or a magazine or two to look through? You said she enjoys hearing about people in entertainment. “Living” is a relative term. Perhaps she is not living the way you think she should, but on her own terms. She may reason that she’s had a long and sometimes difficult life and she may be living exact,y as she wants to now.
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Xinabess, my mother is even less engaged than yours is and she has been that way for years, although I've discovered there are still degrees of almost completely absent because when I thought she had reached the bottom she continued to deteriorate even farther. But even so she derives some comfort from being around other people, when I asked she said she has no interest in moving to a private room and given the choice almost always asks to be left with the semi comatose crowd in the NH lobby/TV room after I leave.
I know it's hard to visit, I suggest that family and friends come as a group and visit among themselves with your loved one just listening in, that worked for us while my mom was still at home. Now sometimes I will just hold her hand while I read a book, or you could play music or an audio book while you knit if you are into that.
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Xina, thanks so much for coming back!

Two things, the brain damage that results in vascular dementia seems almost always to be linked to depression. Antidepressants made my mom's journey with dementia more bearable for her, I believe. I didn't tell my mom she was getting antidepressants; as her health care proxy, I agreed to them while she was in rehab from the stroke.

I visited my mom in the NH weekly, sometimes every other week. I learned to take an hours worth of material with me-- stories, Facebook posts, hand lotion, emery boards, cappuccino, muffins. I usually wheeled her down yo the lake to watch the ducks.

It's so sad, and hard. ((((((Hugs)))))))
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Yes it is worthwhile to visit. She sounds depressed to me from what you said. Maybe you can bring her favorite takeout in to her, find funny tidbits to share and just carry the conversations. I would talk to her doctor, isolation can cause very strange mental shifts and cause depression. You say her apartment, what kind of care does she get, 24/7? Are you and your children her only visitors? Please have her checked for depression and do not listen to her, you should go. Maybe, she sees you feeling awkward and it is to much with all she is dealing with, just a thought.
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My Mom's having trouble doing anything too. I can't get her interested in hardly anything. Sister 2 came by last week. She brought a new puzzle. (She has a way with Mom that fascinates Sister 1 and me to no end.) S2 told Mom: "I have a new puzzle but could you help me? I don't have time to get it started. Could you just help me find the edge pieces?" S2 opened the box and had a bowl for the edge pieces. "I would really appreciate your help."

Mom spent hours going through the box and pulling out edge pieces (though she lost her focus and started pulling out all pieces, but that's beside the point). The puzzle box is still here and occasionally I've asked Mom to help S2 out and she does!

It's hard, xinabess. Hang in there.
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I'm thinking along the same line as Isthisrealyreal, perhaps life would be better for her in a facility. I remember you moved heaven and earth to help her remain at home, but at that time she seemed to be in denial and expected to recover enough to resume her former life. An appropriate placement could provide her with something else in her life other than her few caregivers and the four walls around her, even if it is never anything more than passively observing the other people around her.

In the meantime, I find it helpful to visit my mother at meal times, the act of helping her and comments about what is on the menu can give purpose and focus to my visits.
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I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone. Honestly, I'm jealous of those whose parents are more engaged. I guess I do just need a cyber-hug - or someone to help me take care of her! My nerves and heart are frayed. I know you all understand that.
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How do we prevent ourselves from getting to this place and causing our own children/loved ones this pain? I think about this a lot.

Cwillie, I totally understand what you mean by the semi-comatose crowd in the common area of the SNF, and it's nice that your mother is OK with that and sharing a room - really.

That scene was, to me, a horror show. There was a woman who pulled down her pants and played with herself, a drooling man, and a woman who lay there in a stretcher, half-dead, parked right near the TV all day. My mother called me literally 20 times a day to get her out of there. I am incredibly lucky that I was able to get her 24/7 care in her home, fully covered by Medicaid.

I actually took a photo of the common room at the SNF and told my kids that if I am in a situation like that, please roll my wheelchair into oncoming traffic.  I'm not talking about nicer AL places, and I know that there are people who enjoy/tolerate the SNF, but I will do anything to avoid being in one of those places. 

I hope I have not offended anyone, but having seen that place, I want to write an advanced directive stating that I cannot be in one. 
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