Is today the day? How to overcome the feeling of dread?

Dear "CindyLo,"

I'm so sorry you are struggling with those feelings of dread every morning - it's anxiety (and maybe some anticipatory grief mixed in) and that is something very hard to control. I would get anxious whenever the phone would ring wondering is this "the call" about my mom.

I experienced it when I was looking after my mom from a short distance. I would constantly call to see if she was ok and even bought a life alert system for her to use. I had the same fear and anxiety that you did. It was really hard because I knew she had a pool and wasn't a swimmer. She had refused to have a pool fence built and I was so afraid she would lose her balance, fall in and drown (my elderly childhood blind dog did that so the fear was really ingrained in me). So I understand your feelings.

You are doing everything else right, you have a wonderful husband and family to help you out but, your consumed with fear of the unknown and uncertainty. We all go through this or similar things when caring for someone whom we love and whom we don't or aren't ready to let go of.

I think you have to try and prepare yourself for what is inevitable - that one day your dad will leave this earth. Then you'll need to find ways to deal with the anxiety and fear. There are a lot of articles regarding those issues. I myself have had to resort to medication for the anxiety as it eventually created major health issues for me.

We simply don't want to lose our loved ones - that's what you need to work with otherwise, you will keep waking up everyday and go through the same issues. It really is no way to live. What does your husband suggest in those moments?

God is in control, He is not taken by surprise with anything that happens in our daily life and He has numbered our days - we can't exceed them. When it's our time, it is our time. Hold on firmly to Him and He will help you through this.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you try to face each day - take care of yourself, dad and family to the best of your ability - that's all you can really do.

NobodyGetsIt has given insightful and compassionate advice and suggestions.    These are hard times for caregivers, and it's challenging to find coping ways.

A good friend who lost parents to cancer told me that he reminded himself while caring for his parents that he was doing the best thing he could for them, by supporting them, being with them, consoling them, and making the challenging and upsetting decisions at the end.    That was advice I took and reminded myself of it constantly.

Toward the end, his qualify of life was nil, it was so challenging to see him that way, and my approach turned from prolonging his life to seeing him relieved of his discomfort and pain.   I felt the same way when my sister died of metastatic breast cancer.   Her agony was palpable, she couldn't talk, eat, let alone stand or walk.   Her death provided her relief from that living h*ll.

But I also indulged in future planning, of what I would do with my life after my father was gone.   It helped create perspective, and a reminder that life is impermanent, and we need to capture the best of it while we can to help us in the next phase of our life.   Knowing that you're providing excellent care for your father, and take pride in that, even though the anxiety is always there.

What you're experiencing is a normal feeling in anticipation of a LOs death. Although we think of grief as something we experience after someone's death,"anticipatory grief" is the sadness we feel in anticipation of a LOs death. There's no "getting over it" so don't be afraid to express your emotions. Cry, be frustrated, dread tomorrow it's all OK. Be honest about your feelings. But you can choose to minimize your grief.

Some anxiety may come from not being prepared for his death. Are there any unresolved issues between you two? Have you made plans for his burial? Do you know his final wishes? Spend time with him.

See if there's an dementia support group in your area, learn more about his illnesses by researching on the web, find books at your library, discuss your concerns and feeling with your church leader, seek professional help from a councelor, talk to your dr about your anxiety, You can also research "grief" what it is and how to minimize it. Waking up every day and dreading the day ahead can lead to some physical issues of your own. Choose to address your grief by talking to others and educating yourself. You can help yourself. Good luck.

Hello. My mom is 91 years old and is in a nursing home with physical issues and dementia. It breaks my heart knowing that this is where she is spending the rest of her days instead of being the vibrant woman she once was living in her own space. Although she seems to be in relatively good health, I am still aware of her age and a heart condition she has had. Every day she enters my mind at some point and I am SO aware of her eventual death. All funeral arrangements have been made and paid in full. It is now just time to wait. I got myself into the frame of mind that I can only take One Day At A Time and I Have No Control Over When She Will Pass. I give myself the time to relax my thoughts by being active in the things that interest me. When the caller ID shows it is the nursing home calling, I feel as if I am as prepared as I can be if it is the final call. Take one day at a time, appreciate the time you have with your father. Talk to someone about your feelings, you will find many people have gone through the same thing. You will be okay. You can't control the circumstances but Trust Me. You are Stronger than you think. Be well.

I'm not sure you ever get over that feeling of dread, but thankfully, you can get through it. My husband was under Hospice care in our home for 22 months and during that time I was told 4 times that they thought the end was near. My husband spent the last 22 months of his life in a hospital bed in our living room. Each morning when I would go in our living room, the very first thing I did (for 22 months), was look at my husbands chest to see if he was still breathing. Sometimes I would get up over night to check as well. It's very hard to wonder every day, if today will be the day.
You really just have to turn it over to God, and know that He has everything under control, and when it's your fathers time to go, it will be his time to go. I know that is much easier said than done, but if you can do that, you will find that you'll have a peace that surpasses all understanding.
So please just take one day at a time, and make the most of whatever time you have left with your father. God bless you and your family.

I'm sorry for your situation. It's a terrible way to have to live. I feel very similar. I can't provide any easy answers. Is your father on hospice? My LO has been for 2 years and I have been told by doctors on multiple occasions that she is not well and doesn't have long, but, she hangs in there. The hospice social worker has helped me a lot. She explained that some of what we feel is actually anticipatory grief. Since, I have a head start on grief, I hope I won't grieve so long after she does pass away. Most of the time it seems like it's surreal to me. It's something that's difficult to imagine, unless you live it.

I hope you can find some support and maybe some ways to lift your mood. Music, little home projects, talking with friends, etc. helps me a lot.

I’m the same except he lives with my brother. I go every Wednesday Thursday to spend time with him. When I’m there I can’t really sleep in peace. Every time I heard noise from his room I have to go and check to see if he’s ok or falling. And when I’m back home if I don’t see him on messenger then I go in panic mode. I call everyone to see if he’s ok.. why aren’t he answering my call or play in his phone

Concentrate on the positive. None of us know how long we have on earth. My grandfather died at 81, my grandmother almost made it to 99, her brother died in his teens of heart failure... So welcome the day and make the most of it. You want to create good memories for yourself, your family and fun for your dad while you share life together.

I wish I had some positive answers for you. I just wanted you to know I am going through the same thing with my dear mother and I certainly understand the feelings of dread you have every day. Be thankful for the family you have with you. I have nobody so just keep in mind it could always be worse.

I understand this feeling. I often found myself tip toeing around my dad early in the mornings... wondering if he was still breathing... wondering and worried what the new day would bring. It’s very high stress caring for an ill, aging parent 24/7. If possible, find joy in the time you have with him. I know caregiving has many physical, mental and emotional ups and downs.

You just forge ahead and start the day.
I bet every new mom feels the same way when her baby first sleeps a bit late.
Is he on a routine schedule?
Wake at 7 am, shower, dress and breakfast? If not it might be a good idea to get a routine going that works for both of you. But if you don't want to do that there is no harm in checking in on him at 7 if he is awake you can ask if he wants breakfast, if he is still asleep check in again in an hour.
Because this is me I have to ask...Is your dad on Hospice?
Hospice can hep you through a lot of these questions and you will get supplies and equipment that you will need. You will also have a Nurse that will visit weekly, a CNA that will come in a few times a week to help bathe, change bed sheets, order supplies (if you want that type of help) Best of all you will get emotional support and education. (this is all covered by Medicare so no extra cost to you for all the services you will get)All it takes is a phone call to determine if he is eligible.

You just leave it in the hands of God and your Dad will pass when it's time. In the meantime, you just keep him feeling safe, happy and loved.

You could install a camera in his room where you could check on him from your phone or computer during the day without actually having to go in to his room.

Unless Your Dad likes you popping in every hour to say hi.

I have a 96 yr old dad with dementia and I have 24 7 Caregivers for him because he wants to stay in his on home and I know it's the best place for him.
I had Nedt Cameras installed so I can keep an eye on him and see that the Caregivers are treating him right.

It's also helpful so I can see that he is awake before I call to talk to him.

Im glad you have help watching your love one.

Juse appreciate the time you have and let God handle when the life is over as it is pointless to worry about something that you don't have control over.

At least it gives you plenty of time to get use to the idea and say and do what needs to be.
Your love one being with you is the best place.

People in Nursing Homes or Hospitals, Die Alone and that's so sad.

Prayers

I know how you feel, it would be a blessing no more pain😢

As someone else said, you may be feeling anticipatory grief. I found a wonderful book called "How to go on Living when Someone you Love Dies" by Therese Rando. She describes the different feelings one experiences depending on your relationship to that person. Talks about feeling like an orphan when your last parent dies. I knew that was coming and I dreaded it. I dreaded everything I knew was coming. But you have to take things one day at a time and cherish what you have today.

I understand CindyLo, I feel the same way about my Mom. If she hasn’t called me every morning by 9:30, I start getting anxious. I worry everyday, is this going to be the day she doesn’t wake up. She lives alone, but does ok for the most part, but she has a heart condition. I live two minutes from her, but I work all day.

I recently started taking Wellbutrin for the anxiety and stress. It seems to be taking the edge off, thankfully.

Prayers for everyone struggling with this issue.

Teresa

Yes, this is normal. I struggled with this daily for years with my mom, then with my MIL. Ever since my husband was diagnosed with a heart condition 13 yrs. ago, I check to make sure he is breathing at least 2x during the night. I thought I was alone in this for a long time. I am hoping for strength for all of us that go through this. Day at a time.

Bless your heart.

Instead of focusing on "that thought" try focusing on good things. Like how you can make each day "to be the best day" for your dad as you can.

Try to stay positive the best you can and put it into God's hand. He is in control.

I mean, we don't know. Just because we have this or that, we don't know.

I know a few people with CHF. They have had it a while. One has a defibulator and doing well.

My neighbor is 80 years old. He has had two tripple heart bypass surgeries and a defibulator with a heart rate 50. He works in the yard every day.

Hugs

I live with my 84 year old Dad. My mother died 2 years ago at home with my Dad and I by her side. And now I am going through the same thing you are. I think it's normal, just part of how we handle the knowledge that our parents aren't going to live forever. Some days I handle better than others. I had to have a talk with myself because I wasn't getting any rest which seemed to make me even crazier. My Dad wants to die at home if at all possible, so if I wake up one morning and he is dead, then it's ok. However, if I wake up with the need to check on him, I come on downstairs, look at him in his bedroom to see if he's breathing and then I go back up stairs and attempt to go back to sleep. It would make him sad if he knew I was getting up a lot, so I try not to fret. My main focus is to enjoy the time I have with my Dad (lots of westerns on the weekends, Jeopardy during the week and news when he wants to watch it), do my best to take care of myself and acknowledge that one day he will die. I know that it will hurt, I will cry, and it will be hard. But eventually, I will be ok even when there are days that I will feel like I'm drowning. I send you a very big hug and hope it helps you to know that there are so many of us doing the same thing you are.

I am at an age were I have witnessed the passing of elderly family members.. Some were lingering for a long time, one with major memory issues .The common thread was they were ready to go .They were looking to be released. They were looking to release the family from the stress of caring for them. With my moms passing ( bone cancer) , yes, I would check on her and yes, there was dread. But, there was also the knowledge that she was ready . She had no quality of life and she knew the amount of stress the family was under. During the last month she was semi comatose and there was no chance of reversal of what was going on . Hospice suggested we all give her permission to go “home”. It was shortly after that, that she passed. I was with her . There was a slight cough and her hand rose slightly and she was gone. She lived her life the way she wanted to. She married and raised a family. Her children were all successful. She worked at a job she loved . She loved the grand kids and traveled some. There are memories. Lots of funny ones and a fair number of not so funny ones. When she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we asked if there was something she wanted to do that she never got a chance to and her answer was, no. She worried about us as much as we worried about her. It was the completion of the circle of life. She was where she was suppose to be and there was no pain.

Imho, what you are feeling is experienced by every adult child of an elderly parent - and sometimes the adult child may in fact be much younger as is the parent. However, you are doing a STELLAR caregiving job and you must avoid panic - easier said than done, right? Try soothing camomile tea to ease your mind. Prayers to you, dear CindyLo.

Whether taking care of a declining parent, spouse, child or other loved one, the responsibilities and anxiety are very much the same. It sounds like your father and your family are in as good a situation as possible.

You cannot control when someone dies. You cannot prevent it by worrying that it will happen some day. You can only deal with what is happening at the moment. If your Dad is breathing in the morning, you begin your usual routine of helping whether it is toileting, bathing, dressing, feeding, whatever is needed.

If you or someone is in the house, then there is someone there if your Dad has an emergency. You might want to create a relationship with a Home Health Care Agency or Aide so you can hire respite help when you need a break.

I felt sad for many years as my father declined. It is almost the hardest relationship to see wane: a little girl's father is her hero and protector and even as adults our fathers still make us feel "safe." When a father becomes frail we feel a little less secure and we grieve for our defender.

Your father will live and die on his own schedule. Enjoy the time you have with him every day that you have it. As you say, it may be months; it may be years. Remember him and this time fondly when he is gone.

Like Heisenberg UNCERTAINTY, merely counting senior moments can never even begin to forecast the far bigger wave of eternal rest. After all, Seurat's Pointillism can never touch the Fauvist throes of Vincent van Gogh.

I have the opposite problem. I wake up every day hoping that my loved one has gone to Heaven. I don't like seeing her with this awful disease (Alzheimer's). I don't want her to suffer the worst parts of it. I want her to go peacefully in her sleep before she gets to Stage 7, and can't swallow or breathe. I hate seeing her have these awful hallucinations. I feel selfish for saying so.

I had my mom living in my home for 15 years. As she aged into her 90’s and her Parkinson’s disease worsened, my anxiety became worse.

I did the same as you. I checked on her constantly. It’s so hard to be a full time caregiver. Stress levels are high.

Caregiving is a mixed bag of emotions. I was greatly helped by this forum and when I needed more I went to a therapist and attended a caregiver support group.

Things are different now due to Covid but most therapists are conducting telehealth sessions. Some support groups are doing the same.

I hope things will improve for you soon. Hugs! Take care.