Is this reasonable?

We could no longer afford the facility and I took my mother into my home. It has been really hard on all of us, I wished she could have the companionship she had there, I just can't give her all of what they offer.

Have heart it does get better, once she gets into some of the activities of the facility she will love it. My mother really loved it, the activities kept her going. As long as she can afford it keep her there. It's good for her as well as yourself.

No matter what you do your mother will never, ever be happy again. You cannot replace your father/her husband. Most families nowadays are nothing like those 100 years ago when mom, dad, grandparents, and perhaps aunts and uncles lived either under the same roof or very close together. You don't want to live with her. Recognize that your mother is trying to manipulate/guilt you into moving her into your home. She has a home where she has peers to socialize with, and that's important.

The reason I suggested a pet is that;
*Mom "needs NO help with ADL's" (so she would be able to feed and clean up after it)
*She lives alone in Independent Living. This means she can take care of herself and her home.

Obviously she qualified to live there so I'd assume she could also take care of a bird, fish or cat fairly easily. It doesn't sound like she has Alzheimer's and her daughter visits 6/7 days a week, as a backup. 

There have been many studies showing that pets are good company for seniors. They are used in Nursing Homes frequently.

She could adopt an older cat from a shelter. If you're worried about longevity, then they both may pass away at the same time.

Where are you getting that "she will absolutely loathe and reject the beast until it is damaged"? What's THAT all about? Did it come out of some novel?

Who says the animal would end up with someone not wanting her or hurting her? Wow! Arrangements could be made ahead of time.

I have 4 cats and 3 dogs. I've made arrangements for where they would go if my husband and I pass on (not too likely right now.)

Why does this situation spell death and doomsday? It's a pet, they usually give unconditional love. 😽 🐶 There would be no animal rights broken here.

Sheesh!

Oh, I agree, Gershun..... You said what I was thinking and should have said when I read the post; it would be cruel to subject any pet to the situation. One of my own is old and declawed, and it breaks my heart to think that she could end up with someone that didn't want her and might hurt her. No, a pet is not the answer, Plains.

Please don't get your Mom a pet. Even an old, declawed cat. Why? "she will absolutely loathe and reject the beast until it is damaged" Please.....don't get her a pet!

In fact, I totally disagree with getting any elderly person a pet. If they can't take care of themselves properly how do you think they are going to take care of a pet. Plus the pet may outlive them and then ends up at a shelter.

Plains: Google "sundowning" and see if you see any pattern to what time of day your mom seems most needy and forgetful. It't something to mention to her geripsych if you see a pattern.

When my parents moved to independent living they had folks who were their welcoming committee who would go with residents to events and introduce them around. You might ask if your mom's place has anything like that and suggest it if they don't. It can be hard for new residents to break into established cliques. But most places you eat with the same folks at meals so you can develop some friendships that way. But your mom has to make some effort too for that to work.

Your mom probably has some level of cognitive impairment with her memory loss. It could be from stress or medications or just brain deterioration. My mom had no short-term memory. After my dad died, she became very isolated (she was 92 at the time). I used to worry that she was so alone, but I finally realized I was putting my values on her experience. My mom was happy in her apartment. Your mom is kind of like a little kid who doesn't want to go to bed. You just have to wait her out and stick to your boundaries on visits.

DO NOT move her in with you. As others have said, she's hoping to move to "happiness" with you, but she won't find it there. On these boards, many, many parents ask to "go home" when they are already in their home. Once their brain starts to go, they want to go back to a happier time, sometimes even their childhood. As much as we love them, we don't have the power to turn back the clock. Your mom won't find the happiness she's seeking in your house.

Your mom is living in a good place, she has a daughter who loves her and she has what she needs. She's a very lucky woman in the overall scheme of things. So realize that you're doing a great job and you don't have to give up your life to try to make your mom happy, which is probably an impossible task, no matter what you do. She has to want to be happy and that's a job for her to work on. You can support her but you don't have to be with her 24/7 to do that. {{{Hugs}}}

It took my client/friend at AL over a year and a half to settle in, mostly because the other residents are pretty insular and cliquish, but she finally is friendly with and sits for meals with a couple people; goes to all the activities she can - she doesn't see much. It was hard to have to listen to her tell me how bored and lonely she was and that she wanted me to come more than once a week, which I can't do, but things are better now.... ride it out.

Chdottir:
Damn.

I'm concerned about your Mom saying she doesn't remembering telling you that don't need to visit so often. It could be that this is beginning of dementia, and that this memory problem also plays into difficulty starting new activities and fearing you won't come back. It is something to mention to the psychiatrist.

When my Mom developed dementia she stayed with me and my siblings until an opening was available in assisted living. During this time she was not very happy and was really looking forward to having her own apartment in AL. Once she was in AL, in a very nice apartment, she was unhappy and wanted to live with one of us.

Our opinion was that she was just unhappy because her brain and body were no longer working the way she wanted. After 3 months she is now settling into AL, although I wouldn't say she is really happy. But now she is making the best of things, and enjoy our visits when we do come over. Very gradually she is making connections there.

Whether there is dementia or not, I bet your Mom sees a move to your place as a move to "happiness". And I am guessing she would not be any more happy there. I agree with others that you will back away so she can learn to be by herself. It isn't healthy for you or your relationships to have her tied so close to you.

Good luck.

Sue: As hard as it is, you need to "pull back" to give yourself a break, give your partner more time with you and let your mom "find her way", guided by the activities director at the facility.

I absolutely will do this.

My partner has alredy endured almost 2 years of my extended and nuclear family dying off, with me “there” 4.5 hours away, and not really present at home.

I know i am a mess. I just really appreciate the input from the forum. So desperately in need of perspective, permission, support!

SueC...I was just thinking about this! mom is a “dog person” and disapproves of cats... but i think a cat would be AWESOME company! Yes she is allowed, but I know she will absolutely loathe and reject the poor beast. Until the said beast is frantic and damaged...then Mom might begin to accept. I think an older, declawed rescue might be just the ticket.

If pulling back was only for my benefit, I don’t know if I could do it. But it is CLEAR thAt Mom has no conception of normal, so by gosh we are going to do “normal” at the IL before we move her to ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT of my home, which will inevitably be both last resort AND a huge disappointment.

Is your mom able to have a pet in the IL?

An animal could change her focus from you to it...a win-win situation.

As hard as it is, you need to "pull back" to give yourself a break, give your partner more time with you and let your mom "find her way", guided by the activities director at the facility.

Mom reports that nothing is happening, no activities. But when I remind her of activities tomorrow, she says she doesn't care at all about that, does not want to do it, and just wants to be near me. All the time, in the same home. She thinks if I leave her in my home she will know I will come back. She says terrified i will die and leave her like everyone else has. Terrified too that i will get tired of her and leave her that way. I tell her I have more than proven i will stick with her. I tell her that we MUST be able to spend time apart. i tell her that it may not be possible that she is as comfortable with anything as she once was with Dad.

I am NOT having a good time.

Ok, friends...so i visited my Mom yesterday, sunday. She had taken xanax and was therefore calmer and less intense. She volunteered that I should not visit every day, and have more time to myself. So we agreed I would not visit today, and I stayed home to work.

Tonight she does not remember saying any such thing, and believes she simply needs to be in my presence, when can she move to my house? When? When?

I reminded her that we see her geriatric psychiatrist next Wednesday for a med check, and that my partner and I are having house guests the first weekend in April, so...since nothing is actually wrong, i will come to see her tomorrow, and she must just look forward to these events and get involved in things at her IL and understand that we MUST be able to spend a day apart without this kind of pain.

I feel ridiculously on-my-own in this.

I really appreciate frank input from people who have “been there”. I have never used a forum for caregivers. Amazed at the quick and accurate responses. I am inspired also to look into caregiver groups meeting my area. I obviously need objective input.

You said she doesn't drive. The IL should have transportation so she can shop.

ThePlains18: Adult day care is a good idea -it certainly helped my MIL. Even though your mother is not sociable, she might enjoy the activities offered that she can do on her own at day care. Plus the benefit to you - several hours of care + breakfast, lunch would free you up. It made transition to assisted living, an now memory care easier for MIL.

Everyone here is on the same page. You seem to have your mom under a microscope, mostly because you’re with her so (too) much. It sounds like she doesn’t even blow her nose without you handing her a tissue. I understand her pain and loneliness are your’s. You are sharing your grief. But you are encouraging her behaviors by your constant presence. It’s a double-edged sword. I was always available to my mom, too. And when I tried to pull back, I could tell she was hurt and lonely. It was up to me to phone her. She seldom called me. She “didn’t want to bother” me. That just increased the guilt. It was up to me to draw the line.

It’s time to cut the “apron strings” and let the chips fall. Your mom may be like mine was. Not happy unless she’s unhappy. As long as she’s safe, you can’t be entirely responsible for her moods, her entertainment, her involvement and maintain your own happiness.

Wow. Even before reading the previous answers, I had the same idea. I thought I had problems establishing boundaries with my needy mother (and I do) but your are helping your mother so much it is hurting her. Keeping her from socializing and making friends in the community, helping her to get to grips with the fact she has lost your father (which I am sure is very sad for her) and basically ruining your and your partner's life in the meanwhile.

My mom's IL had a geri psych who visited patients in the facility. She chatted with each person in the privacy of their apartment. My mom found this very therapeutic.

Antidepressants can take several weeks to show their full effect. They often take enough edge off the anxiety so that talking to a new person doesn't seem as life threatening as it used to. Take heart!

Is what reasonable? You spending so much time with your mother? Probably not. Is it helping her? Possibly, but not enough.

This poor woman has lost the love of her life, her familiar home, and therefore some of her independence. That is a lot to absorb in a short timeframe. It may take her quite a while to settle in at IL. Give her that time. Also give her some space. Cut back on how much time you spend with her. Let her regain some of her confidence and independence. Let her discover that doesn't need to be lonely -- there are other people she can relate to besides you.

What kind of doctors are work with you on the depression and anxiety? A referral to a geriatric psychiatrist might be appropriate.

Just saw countrymouse response, too. Thank you! Excellent.

Thank you.
We have started seeing ger psych, and has anti-depressant now that I can see is an improvement but it does not take care of her mood, of the “empty”. Has never accepted a grief counselor or any talk therapist, though it remains on the table. She can’t drive anymore, so as homebound, we may be able bring in a therapist, but in those conditions the selection of same will be small.

Thanks again. I am headed over there now to do lunch and library. Really appreciate getting a sanity check.

She won't be alone. She'll be living within a community which as things stand you are obstructing her from settling into.

A year, for a lady of your mother's age and her length of marriage, is not very long at all. And of course you want to console and support her. But think on: you HAVE been consoling and supporting her, and she is now more dependent and anxious than she was when you started.

Withdrawing your support - and *replacing* it with different, healthier support, is the thing - is not unkind. It's in your mother's best interests.

You don't vanish. But you don't work from her home, and you don't visit more than once or twice a week - say, a weekday supper and Sunday lunch, or whatever suits you.

I wouldn't make it too gradual a winding down, either - because it won't work fast enough and you'll get upset and stressed out. Talk to the co-ordinator at the facility and ask for help with rebooting her adjustment; then *trust* them to know their job.

Don't take her into your home. Don't wait for HER to conclude. You can see that it would be a terrible idea.

My mother had a traumatic childhood. Her father died when she was 2. Her mother had to go out to work, and I've never really been sure who cared for her between 2 years and 6? The local nuns? Her abusive older brother?

My dad died when they were both in their 70s. Mom lived alone. She became frail physically and very anxious at 88. We didn't realize it, but she'd had a stroke and developed some cognitive impairment. She moved to an IL and very slowly found the people she could connect with.

We visited when we could. I set up her pill box once a week. My brother and SIL might stop by to bring her a treat. But oh my, none of us saw ourselves as the entertainment committee?! Why would we do that? She was paying 5k a month to live in a place with meals and activities.

Is your mother seeing a geriatric psychiatrist? It sounds as though her mental health issues may go beyond simple anxiety and depression. Is she seeing a grief counselor? Someone for talk thrapy?

I just have to say though...isn’t living alone is a tall order for an extreme elder who from time of age 17 until Dad passed, never lived alone a day in her life? She had a traumatic childhood...repeated abandoned by both parents. It is just a rough road.

Good input about enabling.

I do attend activities with her when they don't conflict with my job. I will start attending without her, too. I have “sent” Mom to activites, without me, and she goes to dining room alone for coffee and for lunch when I can’t leave work.

Still...I was considering myself incredibly strong that I don't cave and visit her on the “very bad day” that Saturdays always are. I frankly do not want to. So the perspective on enabling is supportive.

There is a lot of emotional pressure to bring her into my home. But I have been insisting we should get completely settled and comfortable in IL and just try her VISITING my home.

For 35 years she and my Dad lived in a different state than me, and enjoyed living their retirement years in their home town. They disliked the town I live in, and never enjoyed my house, and never really found a connection with my partner. I think if Mom visits more frequently, she will conclude on her own that it is not comfortable for her.

Why would your mother socialize at the IL if you are there all the time?

Next time you are there, take her to an activity. Participate yourself even if she won't--it's called modelling. Talk to the other residents and introduce your mom.

Cut your visits back to every other day and limit them to a time when there is an activity that you can take her to.

You are, in my opinion, enabling her loneliness and dependency.