Is this grief or should I just "get over it"?

Oh dear. Normal. If you ever find it DO let me know. Just had my 80th and still looking.
Midkid, you are dealing with a shocking and unexpected loss, and you are dealing with a family attempting each in his or her own way to deal with the same thing, and deal with all those around who are dealing.
Oh, hey add in a dollop of all you have gone through in the last years. Then add in heart issues????? Oh, dear, oh my. Did the ablation AT LEAST burn out that little arrhythmia or whatever they were after? Didn't work for my partner; and I've been in Fib for 20 years!
So, given all this (and grief is harder when a relationship was unsettled; easier in my opinion to grieve my near perfect parents), I think you are doing GREAT. Just great.
Let the feelings come. Consider them weather fronts. One day stormy, one day overcast, one day a bit of sun, one day hot and one day cold. Let those weather fronts come and go and pray that the hurricanes are rare, the earthquakes hold off.
Love out to you. You're doing fine. My heart out to the rest of them, as well. And oh, by the by, you are so right. The executor is the one to take this on now, difficult as that is for the caregiver to understand after all this time.
Best out to you.

Im so sorry for your loss and stress. Understandably you're going through a lot right now. Please take care of yourself

Hi midkid,

You've been through a lot. It is grief even if it does not feel like it and it will ebb and flow. A death or illness will always raise issues that may long have been buried to the surface, you brother being so used to being the caregiver, feeling he needs to finish out his role or duties such as he sees them whether they are or are not. Maybe trying to close out his role as fast as possible made him make those hasty decisions with the house contents.

I'm sorry your DH reacted in this way, that must have been hard. He may have often seen the impact your visits with your mom had on you (ending up in tears) and not understanding that one can have a difficult relationship with someone and still grieve for the loss.

You seem to show a lot of compassion toward your siblings and I guess my only advice would be to continue to do so and most importantly compassion for yourself. Be gentle and loving with yourself and no need to just "get over it". That is impossible. Don't be surprised if a certain event (like the estate settlement) does not bring an expected "closure". I don't know that there is such a thing!

Nothing is normal. Be gentle with yourself.

Mid, I don't know how you do it.

5 kids, a MIL who hates you, a "DH" who throws you under the bus on a near daily basis, cancer and cardiac issues...

Plus, you hold yourself to a high standard as a person of faith. You don't expect much of anyone else--your parents allowed your OB to abuse you, your husband doesn't provide emotional support--but you give and give and give, to us as well as to your family and your community.

Who to YOU talk to? I know you've got someone doing med management, but do you have a talk therapist? I finally admitted to myself a year ago that I was going down the tubes and signed up to do telehealth sessions with a trained a certified SW. Slow work, but it’s helping...

Mid,

Besides your long list of other stressors, this is still your MOTHER that you lost. Any child, no matter how old, could, you’re darn right, still be grieving at 5 weeks!

A hundred fifty years ago, we might have worn black for a whole year, then purple, for another 6 months.

Your husband is WAY off with the comment that you should get over it. I’d love to give him a nice SMACK for that. Let’s see if he feels off when HIS mother passes. No matter how awful she is. I predict he will be a basket case.

Give yourself permission to grieve for AT LEAST 18 months. There is a lot to grieve for.

And, remember, YOU MATTER.

I really feel for you, and you ARE grieving, on many levels and for many reasons, and it sounds normal to me. It's all complicated by the anger you (probably rightfully) feel about some the things that happened with YB immediately after your mom died. You had to deal with a distraught YS, frantic YB, and non-confrontational brother who's now executor. It sounds as though you are feeling as though you have little control in the situation but want things go smoothly; you had a fraught relationship with your mother, so there's ambivalence there about her passing; you want the sibs to stay on good terms. And having a husband who is clueless probably doesn't help (do I recall he's "on the spectrum," and would formerly be labelled as having Asberger's?). It's not surprising you are having nightmares and panic attacks! Having someone (therapist or other) to talk to definitely seems like a good idea for now. In addition, can you have a change of scene to some place you love that is calming and restorative, where you can enjoy nature, get mild exercise, eat nice food, indulge in reading or watching light "junk" if this is something you like? Wishing you continued healing and peace.

P.S. My husband died unexpectedly in June, though the sitution was less complicated than yours. I'm trying to follow my own advice, and also the advice I heard from another widow, which is to "never say no to an invitation."

Yes to grief and no to just get over it. (((((((Hugs)))))))) You have just lost your mother and even if you didn't have a great relationship with her she still counts as a major factor in your life.

Your grief journey is in it's early stages. Be kind to yourself even if others aren't. Your family has lots of issues and you are inevitably involved. Do what you need to do for you.

Almost anything is normal for grief. And each journey is unique in it's details. The first year has many milestones. Do take care of your health. You have been through enough.

Midkid,
So very sorry for your loss of your Mother.

You are a sensitive person, and with that may come blessings and curses. (Not talking about the occult, not magic, not eerie spiritual things here).
Things could be going on right before your eyes that you will not see or understand, but will sense instead, that something was awry. Whatever happened (in addition to the passing of your Mom), it has you lost and feeling weird.

You saw this:
"She lived in YB's house and he began to clean her apartment as soon as they had taken her to the mortuary. We sibs met up at the house the next morning, not even 24 hrs later, and YB had bagged up 80% of her stuff and hauled it to the dump. wow. That's NOT what we sibs spoke of doing, so we were all on edge."

You said: "Is this normal? Or is anything normal? I'll never have closure on some important things and that is bothering me."

No, YB's behavior was not normal. He was frantic and making rapid, thoughtless decisions. His actions are similar to someone who was trying to hide something.

You can think on it for a brief period of time. Maybe acknowledge something went on but there is nothing to be done about it now. Maybe discuss with Rick, briefly, if he has discovered anything. But then, you might need to let it go. Simply acknowledging the facts may help you.

Your Mom, did however, live to the age of 92. God Bless her. Again, sorry for your loss, and that you are hurting.

You don't want to be someone even 5 years from now, trying to figure out what YB did, what he tried so frantically to hide.

I hope peace for you, the peace of God which surpasses all understanding.

So sorry for your loss and for the sibling trouble. Consider that your lack of feeling might be a coping mechanism because to feel things all at once can so often be overwhelming. It allows you to put off the full impact of your mom's death while you heal from your surgery. Nightmares might be doing the job of feeling for you. Just pay attention to them and take your time with all this. It has not been very long since her death.

It took me a little over a year to feel I was picking up my life after Mom died. Even going to the kids' games felt weird because I didn't need to arrange Mom's care or arrange to park in a handicapped area so she didn't have far to walk or later to roll her chair. I would break out crying just packing my backpack with snacks and a blanket last year. This year there is still a sense of sadness that Mom isn't along, but it passes quickly. I think having a schedule of games helped me. Maybe something similar would help you too, along with time to adjust to the changed family dynamics.

Of course this is grief; even if it wasn't the end of a loving relationship it is the end of the one you had, and a realignment of the family relationships that were connected with it. Your DH is a self centred ass who can only pretent to feel empathy, for a limited time, when reminded.

I pretty much hid my lack of grief after my mother died. My mother was difficult for me to handle emotionally. She lived to be 92-almost-93, and was NOT happy in this life. I felt good when picturing her united with my father and other loved ones.

Perhaps my feelings were muted because I'd already been subjected to the sudden death of a child. There was NO comparison (for me....I know there is no grief Olympics, some people think the death of a pet is equivalent, etc.).

I remember your telling us how your mother knew about and ignored the abuse you suffered from an older brother. You did far more than what I would have done for someone like that.

I always have read your posts for several years now. We share some similarities in that I am your age and my mother is 92. However I am an only child.

My mother is declining greatly but lives on. She is in SN and bedbound. She called me yesterday with help from staff. She can't figure out how to use her phone any longer. I was barely able to understand her. I told her a book she wanted was in a drawer and to ask someone to open the drawer to get it. I see her once a week. I don't think she will even ask that of someone but will wait until I come.

Each week I just see suffering and declining. I can't even imagine what I will feel once she is gone as she is so hard to reach now. This has never been a relationship I would have wanted with a mother. We are so different in so many ways and have been for so long. However she is a kind and decent person,just a hard one for me to relate to.

I think we will always grieve what we didn't have yet find it hard to understand those who miss the ideal relationship once their mother has passed. I honestly don't know which is more difficult or how I will feel. I know I have felt burdened for a long time.

I can understand your YB's reactions, since I did a "whirlwind" through my mom's stuff right after she died as well. I mainly got rid of the stuff that was an in-my-face reminder of how sick she had become; I just couldn't look at it anymore.

I'm not quite as understanding about your husband's behavior. And that's all I'm going to say about that; you're not a stupid woman, I'm sure you have good reasons to put up with him, for which you don't owe anyone an explanation.

MidKid, there is no "normal" way to grieve, or to show that grief to the world. You are allowed to be "selfish" with it, if that's what it takes for you to get through it. My mom was "selfish" with her grief when my dad died when I was a kid; I just don't think she had it in her to be able to comfort anyone else, at least not in the beginning. As scripture says, this too shall pass.

I am very glad to hear you took care of your heart procedure and did not put it off!

Please don't consider therapy "wasting money that you could give to a charity". You need to put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else with theirs's. Whether or not you were close to your mom, you are still going to grieve; you have suffered a loss and the way you lived your life up until that loss is now forever changed. You have to cross this river in order to get to the other side, but you can do things to make that crossing easier.

Prayers for you during this time of loss and sadness.

Everyone grieves differently. It seems like YB had a manic episode. One suggestion to help you grieve...try writing a "final" letter to your mom and YB. Do not send it right away and hold onto it for a couple of months. Then look at them again and see if you have the ssme or different feelings before you share with family or keep,

Very normal, and just know that no one event, like closing the estate, is going to make this all go away. You may feel "off" for a year or more.

There's a void in your life whether you got on with Mom or not, and it's a little hard to wrap your head around. It hard to realize you've moved up as the oldest generation in the family, too.

Also, when someone dies, there are things to do. You arrange funerals, write notes, clean out and sell the house, settle the estate. Those don't require emotion, so emotions tend to get pushed aside, OR in your brother's case, they get heavily entangled in his rush to get things done as though clearing out the house will assuage his feelings. I think it's better tackle the tasks first, then the emotions will shake themselves out in due course. It's rarely a conscious choice, though.


Eventually you do wrap your head around it all, and you move on with your life.

My husband and I took full care of my sister for almost 4 years. After her funeral, I went through our house like a "whirling dervish" and bagged and tossed out most of her "personal" things...e.g., clothing, prescriptions, caregiver notes, lab and Doctor papers, some of my sister's written ramblings. As it turned out, I kept a jacket of hers - it was in a different closet and so it escaped my "purge." My older sister took the jacket and says that every time she puts it on she feels like she is being hugged by my younger sister. I have since wondered whether I purged too quickly, almost frenetically, like it sounds your brother did. I have to believe it was a reaction to the incredible loss from my every day life, tinged with some underlying relief. Watching someone die, day by day, does something to you. I would forgive your brother (especially given the generosity he showed in his caregiving) and recognize that your Mom does not exist in "things" but in your heart and in your memories.

Midkid, I don't think there is such a thing as "normal" grief. It's as personal as the individual who is experiencing it.

I can only comment based on my own experience but everything you have expressed sounds familiar. I was my mom's POA and when she died and my older sister took over as executor I was a little flummoxed I must admit. Having been running around like a rooster with her head cut off doing everything to suddenly finding myself obsolete was hard. Keeping busy had helped keep my grief at bay. When I suddenly found myself with nothing to do (for mom) I was left with my thoughts which was horribly difficult.

We cleared my mom's place out while she was still alive since she had been placed in a nursing home but my older sister thinking she was helping took it upon herself to have most of my mom's possessions taken to the dump as well. They charged $1000.00 to do it. She just did it and then wanted a cheque from mom. My mom had wanted stuff donated to charity.

I think you need to be prepared for all sorts of emotions throughout the grieving experience midkid. You'll have good days, bad days, confusing days, days when you feel great, days when you feel like you've taken steps backward. Be kind to yourself. (((Midkid)))

MidKid58,

I am so very sorry that in addition to losing your mom so suddenly, you are suffering, but for others now, and not yet for yourself. It's perhaps best that the sibs were spared the emotional trauma of going through what remained of your mom's belongings, although a true shame that many treasures were lost and not given to those whom she had intended. It's perhaps understandable that your YB acted irrationally because grief hits all of us in different ways.

There is no normal for grieving although there are stages. You should give yourself a good three years of slowly and gradually processing the loss of your mom. Although not close in recent years, we have such deep ties to our moms that part of what you're grieving is the loss of those early and very tender bonds.

I would ask that you reconsider your feelings of not feeling worthy of your inheritance and instead, do as your mom wished and accept that final gift from her. Remember that you provided her with every bit as much joy as your other siblings as babies and growing children. estrangement in later life doesn't change the joys you gave her throughout the earlier years. Use some part of your inheritance to do something for yourself, maybe find something to serve as a memorial to her, something that reminds you of her, or for a trip somewhere special to a place she spoke of but was never able to go herself.

Grief comes and goes in waves and the numbness will pass. You'll be hit with unexpected waves of remembrance and deep feelings of loss. And for heavens sake, you're recovering from a procedure that requires healing and was likely scary to undergo. Grant yourself some grace and forgiveness. and allow yourself time to heal from all of this.

I wish you grace and solace.

I had a lot of nightmares & feelings of anxiety after mom died, for months, actually, and still (she died Feb 22nd) have dreams about her sometimes. Not good visitation type dreams, but disjointed and ugly dreams which are anxiety based in nature. And it's 8 months later. I also have a very supportive husband (who's helped me a LOT), who would never say things like "What are you grieving about" or "get over it", which is ridiculously cold and thoughtless for ANY 'loved one' to be saying to his wife after her mother died. I tell you, I'd have a Come To Jesus Meeting with the man he would NOT soon forget, in short order, b/c it's long overdue in my opinion. You need support now and this man has been everything BUT supportive to you for a very long time. When is it YOUR turn to get some empathy & love from him? Never? How about RIGHT NOW!

That said, you're grieving, you feel lost & lonely because who's there helping you through this? Nothing feels normal right now b/c your world has been shaken up. Your mother died. Whether you were 'close' or not doesn't really matter because your MOTHER DIED. She was the last layer of protection between you and facing your own death. While our parents were alive, we knew they'd die before we did. Technically, that's how life works. Once they're gone, we're next. That feeling is what sort of hits us in the face (whether we recognize it or not) and makes us feel weird, and then it's made worse by the fact that the woman who technically loved us unconditionally is now gone. We can never call her again for any reason, so that's gone, and we're on our own in life now. Even though we've BEEN on our own for decades, now it's official. You know what I mean? I don't know if I'm even making sense. But it's how I feel so maybe it's how you feel too.

I think it's important that your loved ones rally around you now and that your DH takes his head out of his arse and gives you some support & shows you some tenderness. Yes, you can get through this b/c you're tough & yada yada, but sometimes we feel like little girls again when things like this happen & we just need a HUG. A kiss. A shoulder to cry on. Someone telling us It Will Be Alright, You'll Get Through This. That's what a husband is for.

Plus you had to go through a heart ablation (no doubt ALONE as well) recently, which is stressful, heaped onto your plate along with losing your mom. Everything you know in life just got broken apart and when that happens, nothing feels normal & everything feels odd. That's when we humans need a bit more love and affection and tenderness from others. Ask for it b/c your loved ones may be too dense to know what you need and think you can just soldier your way through this event like you have all the others.

It's okay to feel like crap. It's okay to ask for what you need. It's okay not to be tough & strong. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel lost (albeit a foreign feeling, I know). It's okay to feel whatever way you're feeling and to just go through it until you come out to the other side, still motherless and lonely, but bolstered a bit by your family members who came to your side to lift you UP in your time of need. That you had to ask for them to do so means you need them as much as they've needed you all this time. And that's okay too. It's the thing that makes us human.

We only lose a mother once in our lives, which is once too many. God bless you and keep you, my friend. I pray that you are able to ask your DH for what you need, and that he's able to help you through this difficult time in your life, as you've helped him for decades.

No, he did not stay at the hospital when I had my procedure. Dropped me off and went to breakfast. Honestly, I was so anxious having him there would have been worse.

He's the kind or person who needs to be TOLD in bold face letters, how you FEEL, what you NEED and you have to also repeat yourself. For some reason, today, he has been super sweet. I wrecked my back catching the raccoon as he leapt off the kitchen counter yesterday--so I have been in some major pain. Dh just doesn't do 'feelings'.

(FYI--the 'raccoon' is my 4 yo grandson who has no fear and no sense of boundaries. Jump into Nonny's waiting arms? Why NOT!)

I'm not going to defend why I stay with him--at 66 after major cancer TX and the heart thing--I'm not going to live 20 more years. We have 5 fantastic kids and 14 grands. I'm NOT breaking up this family b/c my DH is a thoughtless person. That decision was made and put to bed years ago and I'm not entertaining thoughts now. I have a few really good friends and a wonderful family. Most people I know pretty much just 'tolerate' their spouses by this stage in the game.

He's like an annoying brother to me. And that's OK.

Of course you don't need to defend why you stay with your spouse.

I have an "annoying brother" at home too. I hear ya!

Once I had a bad fall off my bicycle. We went to the hospital. I was in the hallway with one of those neck braces they had put on me just to be cautious so I couldn't turn my head. My hubs had everyone in the waiting area practicing the eye chart they had on the wall. Yep, yep, yep.............His concern was shall we say underwhelming?

SO many thanks to those of you who wrote such thoughtful, insightful and kind things to me. I see things a lot more clearly now, and am grateful to this community for your support. Talking to YOU has made me feel better.

I must add, in DH's defense, that he never really got to know my mom. We would go MONTHS and not see the folks, or I would take the kids alone. DH traveled about 75% of the time and so, he simply wasn't around! How can you have a relationship with someone you don't ever see or talk to?

Maybe women have to have those connections with people. DH has only a couple of friends and so when we moved to our new house, he simply had a different garage to pull into after work. Nothing for him has really changed. I was close with MANY people in our old neighborhood and trying to 'keep up' relationships AND trying to make new ones is flat out exhausting. Losing mom, and nobody really knowing about it, since obituaries are online--only very few people knew about it. None of my new neighbors do FB or know my maiden name, so they wouldn't have known.

He hadn't seen mother in over 2 years when she died, & due to covid, he never went to see HER and she was in YB induced lockdown for over 2 years. It would NEVER have occurred to him to call my mom--yet back in the day, when I was trying (pointlessly it seems) to have a relationship with his mom, I would call her weekly and make sure she had lovely gifts on Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday. She, of course, assumed DH had chosen, purchased and wrapped all said gifts. Nope, not one.

So I can see why mom's death didn't impact him at all. She simply was never on his radar.

I'm going to YB's house to help cull through the remaining few things that are there. Mom had a ton of books and maybe there's some I want to read, IDK. There's nothing left in the apartment, and I kind of want some closure.

I know this will take time. I just hate that every day I feel different and unsettled, and that is normal.

Today I am making my granddaughter's Halloween costume and she is ecstatic to spend a day alone with me. That will lift my spirits, I know. And the Utah Utes play USC tonight so I can enjoy me some college football!

Everyone responds to death differently and grieve in their own way. I have been told that I am cold and uncaring because I didn't cry when either of my parents or my husband died. I did what had to be done and moved on. That's how I deal with most things. I grieve in my own way and it's not necessarily obvious to others. I'm not an overtly emotional person. Never have been.

Grieve how you want. It's up to you when it's over. You'll know.

Thank you all again.

I was too 'meh' to get up and go to church this morning. Just...couldn't. And church is a big part of my life--that's where I am getting to know people and it's on me to reach out to meet my 'new' friends.

DH went to visit his mom. He feels so much guilt because he absolutely HATES going to see her, but she needs him for small fixit stuff and I know with my mom dying (his mom is the same age) he suddenly felt like 'oh this is going to happen to my mother, too.) He did give me a mini-lecture about my lack of a relationship with his mother, but, really? 5 weeks after mom dies and he wants me to go to his mother's and make small talk? She didn't even offer a word of condolence to me when mom passed. Actually, DH just wants me to be the 'buffer' between him and his mom, and I have done that for YEARS and won't do it again. He can only see his side of things--and if he wants to think I'm cold and uncaring, then he is welcome to do so.

Having a great win over USC last night was a spirit lifter. Made me realize I need to focus on the good in life. There's really nothing left to do for mom's estate. The geneaology records and stuff--I'm not bringing all that into my house. It's all digitized and these are the actual originals and just a waste of space. I think the one thing I CAN do is get mom's feral cockatiels re-homed. After YB's manic cleaning, he just...stopped. Those birds should have been gone immediately after mom died, that was her wish. PLUS, I am madly allergic to them, as is about half the family. YB went from manic to depressed in a couple of weeks. He'll actually feel better when he gets the inheritance. He does not know that we're gifting it to him. It was always my plan to do so and when I mentioned that to my OS, she said 'I'm going to do that too, $10K won't make a scrap of difference to us."

That should happen next week, there was no property, just a small savings, an annuity, and a life insurance policy. YB said it was simple to do.

Thank you again for all the sweet, calming thoughts. I am feeling like a lot of sleep is in order to help my brain (and quite literally, my heart!) heal. As my heart heals from the ablation, I can feel a slow rise in my emotions and physical well being. I hope that continues.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You express yourself so well that it's no wonder your family members impulsively acting out, or the opposite, not accepting or expressing emotions, is frustrating. Between that and the health problems it must feel very disorienting. I hope you can find someone to confide in regularly, a counselor if possible. Is a vacation too much to hope for? Sounds like you could use one!

Thank you Iameli,

I do have a counselor and have an appt with her in about a month. And on her cancellation list, so I will get in sooner.

Everyday is a new day with new feelings and emotions to deal with. I babysat for the raccoon and came home from that and literally went to bed at 4 pm and was down for the night. I always feel that if I can sleep like that--I must need it. Since I had cancer, these epic 'sleep-a-thons' have been more a part of my life. When you are asleep, it's like your brain cleans itself out.

One day at a time! The will has been dealt with, the money is all ready to be disbursed, next week, one day we'll get together. IDK, I don't think YS will come, she'll take her check and I won't see her for years.

I know that one of the things I'm grieving is the 'glue' that held the sibs together. That was mom. Now she's gone, there's no purpose in trying to maintain contact. It's just an odd feeling, is all.

I'll continue to reach out monthly to my sibs and stay in touch vis email, but I don't expect to see them much.

Again--to all of you--thank you so much!!

It is very normal to feel numb after someone close dies, and there is a period of shock at the loss, Whether the relationship was positive or negative, there was significant emotion involved, and suddenly it is not there.
There is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. You do NOT need to "get over it." Your mother has not stopped being dead.
Take as long as you want to to process your emotions. Pay attention to what you are feeling or not feeling when the thoughts come to you. Do not push them away. Think them through as you choose and then continue with your day.
You will always carry the grief with you in whatever form it takes, but grief is not the entirety of who you are.

Grief counseling alone, and with the group, may be very beneficial for all........look for a Geriatric Psychiatrist to oversee a healthy grief counseling process and who is permitted to write prescriptions if necessary.

Grief is different for each person, so it's very important to calm those who are reacting with anger and delusions of grandeur.

(copy and paste) - https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

Midkid58: I am so very sorry to read that your mother has passed away. After my mother died, with whom I lived with out of state, I sought short term counseling including anti anxiety medication. When I started crying openly in church when signing a hymn that my mother liked, I knew it was time to seek professional help. Perhaps you could benefit from seeing a counselor. Perhaps your brother was a bit overzealous in organizing your mother's possessions and I am sorry about that. The remarks your husband made were callous and unwarranted to say to his beloved wife, who had just lost her mother. Deepest condolences. It's so incredibly difficult to lose your mother.