A bit of backstory: my husband and I moved in with my MIL to help care for her and the house. It can be tense at times, but generally it is ok.
Recently, my car has take a turn for the worst. I am a teacher, and my husband works pt and cares for MIL the rest of the time (driving her to appts, hair salons, etc.). As I’m sure you’re all aware, cars are EXPENSIVE right now and we don’t really have it in the budget to get a new one. Husband has a truck that he uses for work as well. MIL does not drive anymore. We take her everywhere she needs using her vehicle. She is still paying insurance and paying on the car itself. Here’s the question:
Would it be unreasonable for my husband and I to request that I use the car for work, at least until the cost starts going down? We would take over payments and insurance of course. And, my husband and I would coordinate vehicles to the best of our abilities so that whenever MIL has an appointment, she will be taken in her car. We haven’t popped the question to MIL yet, but it makes sense in our mind that this is the best option for everyone.
good luck with your request.
You have taken a huge step in moving in with MIL. Bless your heart for your good intentions, just be aware that things WILL get worse. Your MIL's condition will continue to decline and she will need more care. You and your husband will become tired and the tension will increase. Do yourself a favor and do not create a complication that could become a bone of contention later. As the situation gets tougher, the family will tend to get more tense. Prepare for it by making sure that you take "sanity breaks" whether you need them or not, spend time doing things for yourself and your husband, and try to avoid things like this that could make for hard feelings at some point down the line.
MIL doesn’t qualify for Medicaid based on information from an elder care attorney. Between her pension and SS, she makes too much.
The can insurance is already in mine and my husbands name. She pays, but we took it on because her insurance prices were astronomical. She isn’t even listed as a driver on the car (she knows this).
I feel like we should take over the payment if she agrees to this. We don’t pay rent since we’ve moved in to help, and she covers the majority of the other household costs. It’s the only reason H was able to cut hours, but, it still makes things difficult for us.
We don’t fully have a plan for when things get more difficult for MIL. She’s quite stubborn and will not discuss it. But, she is practical and I think she realizes that there may be a point where we can no longer take care of her.
The house will be ours to keep (kind of) eventually. Unfortunately it was put into a closed trust between H and his 3 siblings. No one can sell it if we want to stay in it, but it will be a huge hassle if we want to sell to move in the future.
I don’t want to seem like we are taking advantage of her, but I do tend to have a guilty conscience. We do everything we can to makes things easy for her and to keep her happy. She often relays with grumpiness and anger. I realize she’s often in pain, but it can be a struggle.
We haven’t talked to her yet about details, but I’ve been driving her car on a daily basis. I go back to work tomorrow (teacher) and I’ll have her car.
I’ll update again when we actually talk.
You are not taking advantage of her and when she relays grumpiness and anger towards you, put her in her place immediately. You and your husband are the ones who uprooted your lives to relocate into HER home to be her caregivers so she could remain in her home. So, the crap-tolerating from her and anyone else involved ends today.
Or she can take care of herself. Or your husband's siblings can take responsibility.
Don't worry yourself about the property being in a trust right now. So long as the trust reaches it's five-year birthday (the Medicaid look-back period), should MIL need to be placed into residential care at some point. It would be a good idea to visit the lawyer who drew this trust up if possible. Certainly you and your husband should either be getting paid now for being her caregivers, or the two of you shou;d be entitled to a larger share of estate.
Unless your MIL is a millionaire many times over she will qualify for Medicaid at some point if she has to go into a care facility.
They will take all of her income and assets (assets that aren't protected) and Medicaid pays the difference. Don't worry yourself over that. If she needs placing at some point, you will be able to do it.
As far as having available three automobiles in the household, with only two individuals possessing a DL, wherein lies the problem as long as the automobile insurance has valid information, e.g. covering names of all operators of said motor vehicles?
1. If your husband's and your name aren't already on the auto insurance policy of your MIL, add both names
2. do NOT take over the car payment. Your MIL already has one of the sweetest deals on earth by having unpaid 24-hour live-in staff (you and your husband). You have made the shocking point already that your hubby stopped full-time work in favor of part-time in order to take care of your MIL. He has lost out on alot of pay, and is receiving nothing but more thankless grunt work. As MIL ages it is going to get progressively worse and more monumental, no matter how much you two love her. MIL paying for her own car payment is the least she can do, as minuscule thanks for you two upending your lives for her
3. offer to contribute partially to the insurance cost of the car, BUT do not take over full insurance payments on it since your MIL has what is effectively a chauffeur. Elite people with real chauffeurs don't demand that their chauffeur cover the cost of car insurance.
4. Do not buy her car from her, why would you two keep taking on more and more time-heavy and money-heavy responsibilities for your MIL? There is something very wrong with this picture all the way around, and although I imagine you and husband are trying to do all of this out of love for the old gal, if nothing changes the situation cannot get better, it will get progressively worse as her needs increase, and your lives will be irreparably damaged.
Please grow a spine before it is too late. I am not being harsh, I am being realistic.
You may not believe me now, but years from now when your husband is retired and his Social Security is just a disappointing fraction of what he had originally expected, because his income in his prime earning years suddenly fell by half due to now only being a part time worker in order to be his mother's unpaid lackey, it will be too late to do anything about the sad state of affairs. Make changes NOW.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if you may borrow her car, especially if you take good care of it and pay for the insurance, but I don't think you should kid yourself or her about the above point and I don't either think that you should take over the actual owner's payments unless you're planning to buy it from her outright. Are you anticipating any objections from her?
This. So your H took an income cut to go part-time. Does he have siblings? If so, do any of them do anything at all?
Is H your MIL's POA/HCPOA? What is the inheritance plan if she has assets? Are they to be split equally amongst H and other siblings? Meantime, HE is the one who is doing the caregiving. HE should be getting paid for that now.
What is the plan for MIL's further decline? Will there be in-home help? A facility? Or is your H the plan?
Yes, MIL should let you take the car for work.
(I am also curious as to whether or not you pay anything towards rent, utilities, maintenance, etc.)
Buying the car outright seems like the best idea. However, you need to find out if it has to be an arms-length transaction, meaning paying the current price. I don't know. Another thing to be careful about is insurance. I think you're talking about non-owner insurance, which appears to be tricky. Don't make assumptions about what kind of coverage comes with that kind of policy.
One really important point is that the darn thing needs to be driven. A car that sits long periods of time without being driven deteriorates. For one thing, the battery will die if it's not driven regularly as driving, particularly highway driving, charges the battery. And rubber parts dry out if the car isn't used. Don't worry. I have the scars to prove all of this.
And, as always, I am compelled to say that if your MIL is still competent to handle her financial and medical affairs, ask her if she will grant you durable powers of attorney. This doesn't particularly have to do with your question but it makes life a lot easier. In fact, if she is competent, urge her to have a trust and estate attorney draft an entire estate plan.
Unless it was a well-qualified eldercare attorney or experienced Medicaid planner, I would re-think DH giving up his own livelihood to care for his mother.
Do you and your husband take care of MIL's needs and her property for free?
The two of you relocated and uprooted your lives to help her. It would be more than reasonable if your MIL bought you a car.
She's certainly saving money by not having to hire caregivers for herself. Have her buy you a new car.
Three cars for three people, one of whom can’t drive, is clearly ridiculous. The fact that you are asking whether shared utilisation is ‘reasonable’, suggests to me that you haven’t really dealt with the rights and responsibilities of the whole arrangement. Start from the basics, not the car.
They should be paying nothing towards the household expenses. They are basically domestic servants. In addition to free room and board, servants also get wages.
It would not be 'three people, three cars'. It would be 'two drivers, two cars'.
Inheriting property is often the reason why someone takes on caregiving. It's certainly the reason why I did. No shame in that game.
Many times people don't inherit like you said. If the caregiving needs become too much and the elder needs pplacement.
For just this reason, the MIL should buy her DIL a car now. Someone has to do for her so they need a car to drive.
I agree about the cost of cars. I bought one for just a little over 20k 9 years ago a comparable SUV now is over 30k. So I guess my DH will be holding onto his 2010 and me my 2013 for a while longer.
Why does MIL not qualify for Medicaid.
The car insurance should be paid for by the MIL because her son and DIL take her around.
Caregiving should never cost the caregivers money. The caregivers should always benefit financially from doing it no matter how much they love the person, or how close a family relation they are.
Thinking more about your situation.
Here is a link that gives some general information on vehicles and how Medicaid views. You might want to look up MIL state Medicaid rules.
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/question/vehicle-exemptions-from-medicaid-asset-limits/
You and DH might want to seek the advise of a certified elder attorney to make sure you don’t inadvertently cause problems for MIL being able to receive Medicaid benefits should she need them in the future.
I also looked into it, and since we are in the household and still using the vehicle for her appointments, it would be fine even if she did qualify.
Your husband is only working part time to be moms errand boy. He should be getting paid for this as it is obvious this arrangement is straining your family financially.
It will be intersting to see what mom says when this is proposed to her regarding using her car.
I don’t think it is a good idea until you have tried everything you can to remedy the situation without asking MIL to give up her car.
I won’t go so far as to say it isn’t reasonable as I don’t know the family dynamics but if I were MIL I would be concerned I couldn’t use “My” car when I needed it. You are off in what was her car if you buy it and she needs to go somewhere and now she can’t. Wouldn’t work for me. You will have just solved your problem and given her one.
Why not use DH truck on the days he isn’t working so he still has moms car for when she needs it? Could DH take you to work?
MIL car will probably last a lot longer if it is just used for her use. Your driving it everyday will make the car wear out sooner. That car breaks down and then what does she do? Plus let’s say you want to trade her car for one you like better?
I am not unsympathetic to your situation but I would look elsewhere to solve the problem before I would go there.
If it is unreasonable to MIL then begin "charging" her for caregiving services.
I suppose in turn she can "charge" you for part of the utilities, portion of the house insurance and other aspects of home ownership.
this gets into sort of "picky" territory.
I think the reasonable thing would be that MIL lets you use her car. But is MIL "reasonable"?