Is there any point in “correcting” an aged parent when they’ve done or said something inappropriate? Does anyone else have these issues?

I doubt he will learn to think differently. He might learn to stop the comments when you say I have to leave the room now, in surprise, if nothing else. You might regain calm more quickly if you separate for awhile.

A daughter who is the parent's caregiver is not as effective as a male speaking to them. The daughter's are usually the ones who get the abuse too. That's how it is with us women.
Your husband is the one who should be having a word with your father.
He can speak plainly to him and say that either he stops with the innappropriate comments, guilt-tripping, and disrespect towards you or he will no longer be welcome to live in your house.
Then you and husband should approach your siblings and both of you speak very plainly to them. Either they step up and start helping with your father (and by helping I mean they take turns taking him to their homes on weekends), that you will be placing him in a care facility. Then they won't have to worry about their inheritance because there won't be any.

Please understand that dementia is a disease, and your father cannot control his behavior, neither can you. Do yourself and others a favor to save yourself. Place him in a facility and get yourself a professional to work through your problems, in including guilt and gaslighting. You won't do anyone any good if you wind up sick, even dead from the stress. Thanks for reaching out to our forum. I want to know your updated decision, and all the best to you, your family and friends.

Favegirl1,

I've just read through the thread and I honestly hope that you take the necessary steps to get your father into care as soon as possible. The caregiver role is hard enough with advancing dementia, without the added history of 'psychological smothering and over-protectiveness' that are but one aspect of the toxicity meted out by even mildly narcissistic parents (if there is such a thing as mild narcissism).

You'll never know how much of his behavior is disease-related and how much of it's intentional gaslighting and I doubt that he knows, but you need to have him placed in care to save your own health and sanity. This cannot continue and no amount of correcting or redirecting will change anything. You need your home back; our home is our refuge and right now, you have no refuge. I feel for you, I truly do because I came too close to placing myself in the same position.

It seems that your siblings have failed to realize that his estate is just that: His. Estate. It's not for their futures and it seems as though they don't care enough to take him in while expecting you to preserve his estate for their future enjoyment. His estate monies are for his care and to be used accordingly.

You mentioned that your brother is POA, does this include Medical POA? I only ask because you need to have medical evaluation of your father's cognition and behaviors and then use that medical documentation to have him placed in care. I would not wait until Christmas, I too see that as a stalling tactic being used by your sister.

I'm it for my Mom, I'm her sole solace and while she's still able to, she has someone call me to aid her out of the confusion and hopelessness that she finds herself in. We talk daily and I visit her weekly, as much as possible. I have to take time for myself, my grandkids, estate maters, etc. and I try to not feel guilty when it's never enough.

When my Dad passed suddenly from CoVid, I wanted to bring her home; mainly out of guilt over all that my folks did for me and mine throughout their 42 year marriage. Once in a MC unit, I fairly quickly realized that despite our solid relationship and my being a retired RN, I could not possible care for Mom 24/7. And now that all has advanced, I'm grateful that she is where she needs to be. I've been trying to have her moved closer to us, but most places have long wait lists due to critical staffing shortages. That is something you may wish to consider: getting him on the list for the facility you feel will best meet his needs.

I've seen others post about having to film their parent in their unfiltered behaviors in order to convince others of cognitive issues, cruelty, or whatever the case may be with family members and others in denial. Do your siblings care about you, your health and sanity? In my dysfunctional family system, I was the Scapegoat and perhaps some lingering family dynamics are in play here. You need to stand up for your own needs; it appears that your siblings won't.

If you can find an Elder Care specialist or care team nearby, bring your father in for eval., start looking at places for him, seek some type of Respite care in the interim, and stand your ground on your father moving elsewhere, with a sibling or in care. If you reach the point of believing that your brother is failing to properly administer estate funds and they all continue to be overly content to leave you holding the bag, then reach out to state aging services and explore your options.

You don't have to remain trapped and you cannot go on like this. The father you've loved and the complex relationship you've struggled with has reached a different place and he is perhaps now more cognitively impaired than he is the father you've always known.

If it's any comfort to know, it's possible that once dementia reaches later stages, you may again have glimpses of the loving dad you knew; the gaslighting and all the rest of it fades and they can become more kind and loving. One can hope.

Favegirl1: Before you actually do have a medical event such as a heart attack because your father has pushed your buttons one too many times and you are on your last nerve due to his irritating comments, place him in a managed care facility. Unless your siblings want to take over the care, tell them the inheritance means zilch to you as your health is paramount. Best of luck and do not become the PATIENT.

My wish for you is that you dont wait until Christmas for that talk with sister who is POA because you know she is just going to delay it until after New Years and beyond. Please tell sister that she has 30 days to find a place to move dad to. After that date you will do an ER dump and wash your hands of all of them.

I suggest, here, that you are feeling overwhelmed. May I further suggest that you need to find ways to give yourself some needed relief from your caregiving. You would not want to endanger your marriage either. Somewhere down the road, using your acquired wisdom, you will have to place your father in a facility. Some resist placement in a facility, but with the passing of days and growing familiarity with the professional staff they feel comfortable.

To all of you who
have contributed kind meaningful and sound advice, I thank you sincerely. I
will hoped to have resolved this situation asap but I shall tune out of this forum for a while now until the issue has been discussed. It may be a long while . God Bless all of you and your equally, if not more difficult roles as caregivers.

Sad that OP is going to continue in this madness. Why?

My Mom has always been a narcissist to some degree (large at times). Now that she is in her 80’s and knows (somewhat) that she has alienated several family members and burned some bridges along the way, she tends to want to hang up the phone when I (and siblings) bring her unacceptable choice of words to her attention. She rarely listens when I talk to her, therefore, she doesn’t remember what I do say. She will regularly ask me the same questions over and over. I then remind her that I told her that yesterday. She will say I don’t remember what you said. When I tell her that I am concerned about her memory, she gets very angry. She will say that she has a better memory than mine. It’s hard to tell if it’s narcissism or if her memory is really failing. She’s been on pain management for a long time. It could be affecting some part of her memory. I’m not sure if I could ever live with her. She’s a gas lighter too. I do love her very much. However, sometimes I don’t like her. I’m guessing that your Dad may have been narcissistic before his dementia. I can only imagine how difficult the situation must be for you now. It can be hurtful. Try approaching him like he’s your patient instead of your Father. When he gets cranky, try to remember that his brain cells are dying and he probably feels like he’s losing control because he can’t remember. His frustration is understandable, but so is yours. I would say only what I have to-to him. Try writing things down and posting them in the house where he can see them so that he is constantly reminded of normal things without you having to say it all the time. Or, just do what you would do to help him (fixing meals, cleaning him up, etc.) without always asking what he wants-because he probably doesn’t know. Maybe you could get an Aid part time to help with some things-laundry, bathing, cleaning, etc. Listening to music, favorite tv shows, or a preacher daily that he likes might be helpful too. This year, I lost my Step-Father to Alzheimer’s in March and my Dad to Alzheimer’s last week. Additionally, I lost my Godmother to Parkinson’s Alzheimer’s at the end of March. The Lady I helped take care of for 8 years passed in June, and my former Mother In Law passed last week. It’s been a very emotionally challenging year. I do miss them, but feel relieved that they are no longer suffering. My spiritual faith keeps me grounded most of the time. Thank God!

Hi all, just an update on my situation.
my sister has just told me in the last couple of days that she has been diagnosed with possible Hashimoto disease and that all the depression that she has had to deal with in the last forty odd years of her life has been caused by our father’s treatment of her. Yes my father was brutal and he was physically abusive at times. But now he has dementia and can’t remember anything anymore. and if anything we should have dealt with it at the time.
But then she went on to play the blame game with me. How when we moved Dad in with us, he wanted to get rid of all his furniture and valuables. He nagged and nagged us. I asked my brother to help us but he was too busy playing golf every weekend. So when my husband and I did get rid of it, we were the monsters in a big conspiracy against my siblings. She bought that up and went on to say that i shouldn’t have had him live with us. Yes we shouldn’t have and it was a mistake but my siblings offered no help, no other options than what we did. To top of this melodrama, she then told me that all she cares about is the money and she doesn’t want to sacrifice any of it by putting him into care. So it’s my fault for trying to do the right thing was the message I got. That my feelings and life with my husband and father means absolutely nothing to her. Nothing has been resolved. I feel like shit.
it’s all about her and always has been.
i got off the phone and was enraged . I just can’t talk to her. I’ve silenced her calls and messages on do not disturb.
the way I feel now and shall from now on, I just can’t feel any joy at the prospect of inheriting anything now. Thank Heavens my husband is financially secure. So as far as I’m concerned is that she and my brother are welcome to all my Dad’s money when he’s passed. I haven’t and won’t mention this to my Dad as there is no point upsetting him. My reward will be having no future contact with them.

My grandmother has alzheimer's and dementia and when my mom talks about it with others, she tells them to just roll with it and not argue.