Is there any point in “correcting” an aged parent when they’ve done or said something inappropriate? Does anyone else have these issues?

You won't be able to correct him. This is one of the things that drove me nuts about my mom. What I did is I came to know when one of her inappropriate remarks was coming. I would beat her to the punch, head her off at the pass, and say something nice. It stopped her in her tracks.

Sounds like it's time to find him somewhere else to live if his being there effects you and your husband so much.

It is time for respite. You need a break. As long of a break as you can manage.

You mention that you have no children but I’m sure you have noticed with those that do have, that the children are sent out to play, that they are given naps, that they are sent to bed a few hours earlier than the parents. Those breaks don’t just benefit the children. It also helps the parents cope.

You need daily time to refresh, to relax and to enjoy your life. Perhaps he needs a “play mate” to come spend some time with him so that he has a new target and you feel like you have a chance to escape.

Don’t keep doing the same routine and expecting things to get better on their own. The usual course is when one behavior stops, another pops up.

I also notice you have a tough history with your dad. It really isn’t good for your mental health to spend so much time with him.

Big hugs and I hope you decide to put yourself first and enjoy your marriage instead of putting up with your dads BS.

It’s good to read that “he cared for me and did things to help”. That’s not what he’s doing now. He’s driving you around the bend and upsetting your husband too. Whether it’s gas-lighting or dementia doesn’t matter much. Try to get that respite you so badly need, and use the break to consider any other ways to cope with his remaining care needs.

Your “siblings don’t care as long as it doesn’t interfere with them getting their inheritance”. Other ways will definitely interfere – see if one of them will step up to the plate?

I sure hope you can get a break!

What wasn’t ideal but helped me around my mom who talked INCESSANTLY was what I call , “ practicing non-listening.” People who love to talk for talking sake and not conversation tend to not notice you’re not paying a whit of attention. I would turn up the volume of my own thoughts and throw in a few “ Hmmms” at random as a bonus. I know this sounds cynical but I did claw back some of my own brain space this way.

Good luck !!

Maybe this will help you, if you haven't already seen it:

Rules for Engaging Our Loved Ones with Dementia

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force


The overall goals should be to:

1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible 
     (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)

2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people

3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing

4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive) 

5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)

The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.

Here is another rule for dealing with dementia patients who are driving you to have panic attacks in your own home:

Get them placed in Memory Care Assisted Living asap and tell the greedy siblings you don't care about their "inheritance", just about dad getting great care and you living your life in peace and harmony.

If they disagree with your logic, have THEM come pick dad up. You'll have his bags packed and ready to go by 3pm.

My mother lived her best life in Memory Care Assisted Living and I was able to maintain my sanity at the same time. I wound up with no inheritance as a result, but would play my cards exactly the same way again if I had the opportunity to do so (God forbid). Trying to care for a demented elder at home often reaches the point of insanity, as you are seeing firsthand. And nobody "gets it" until they're in the trenches 24/7 dealing with the myriad issues that go along with the horrible condition. Never in a million years could I do it. Rethink this living situation because it's costing you your LIFE for the next who knows how many years, as dad's dementia worsens.

Best of luck

Its not a family decision. Dad needs to be placed period. You need to tell your siblings that you no longer will care for Dad. Your husband needs to back you up in this. Christmas is 3 months away.

In the meantime, Grey Rock him. Only talk to him when you need to. Walk out of the room if he gets started. When sister said something about Christmas you should have then said, with a raised voice NO! I need a break NOW! Really not a break, I need him gone. Seems Sister holds the financial strings? Again, maybe DH telling sister "He needs to get out of my house. I am tired of the way he treats my wife Dementia or no Dementia. So make it happen"

I struggle with this. FIL has NOT been diagnosed with dementia. In fact if you ask his current primary - he has "perfect cognition" (eye roll - we are asking for a second opinion since this was stated in a form letter than FIL needed for some paperwork about 8 months ago that his primary did no formal assessments on, just sent FIL a form letter using those words) But we feel like he definitely has some age related cognitive decline without doubt (in combination with his deep seated narcissism and isolation) that is really beginning to get to worse. So in a lot of ways we do approach him as if he is declining.

That being said, since we don't have a formal diagnosis AND much of his behavior has been bad prior to his age related decline- we DO often find ourselves attempting to correct him.

It's likely useless - in fact - we pretty much know it is because he has been like this for as long as I have known him (30 years) but it is DEFINITELY getting worse as the age related decline gets worse. But he used to be better at knowing his audience and at least didn't say things in front of people outside of family as often (not that being in front of family makes it ok, mind you) So we have gotten to the point where we correct the most egregious and let the rest go. It's not easy to let a lot of it go if I'm honest.

But the most egregious stuff - I'm sorry y'all - even if it is for nothing I can't just sit back and not say anything. Especially since he does this stuff in public now. We correct him regardless of public or private. But we end up apologizing for his behavior in public and letting people just draw their own conclusions about his mental capacity. It probably is a waste. We know it does no good.

And as GladImHere said when we can head him off we do. He will start sentences with "I know I shouldn't say this" or "I know it's not acceptable to say this" and we immediately interrupt. But sometimes he just let's things fly that are just mortifying and we just immediately react. He has NO filter. So we have done our best to talk to him about what is acceptable and he says he knows but he says he doesn't care because "I'm old and I can say whatever I want to say."

A couple of suggestions about public unpleasantness:
1) Don’t apologise for him. Say to the others there that he is a stupid old food, just ignore him if you can. If you apologise, it doesn’t upset his sense of entitlement at all. He just laughs at YOU.
2) Don’t take him out. Let him know why.
3) It would be a good idea if being truthful means that he decides that he doesn’t like living with you.

I would normally say you should not put up with behavior that is upsetting to you or other members of the household.
BUT your dad has dementia. So correcting him can be an exercise in futility. Either he will not remember the correction or / and his "social filters" are gone.
Pick your battles.
If it gets to the point where you are upset more often than not then it might be time to consider placing him in Memory Care.
Part of being a caregiver is to know boundaries and keeping yourself healthy and safe. If it becomes upsetting to the point that you are on edge it is no longer "mentally or emotionally safe" for you to care for him. Your mental / emotional health will effect your physical health as well as the atmosphere in your house there by effecting relationships with your spouse.
If siblings are so concerned about inheritance that they resist Memory Care for him then a sibling can have dad move in with them and they can take on the role of caregiver.

Favegirl1, You do not HAVE to be the only caregiver.
What happens if you got hurt and could not care for dad? What happens if your panic attack is a heart attack and you are unable to care for him for 6, 8 weeks and then have to follow strict routine after?
there has to be another plan.
Who is POA?
YOU can not be the ONLY one that is responsible for his care. YOU are not trapped, you have to advocate for YOURSELF.

OP doesn’t give any details about Dad’s dementia, just his increasing narcissism. It was BlueEyedGirl who has dementia diagnosis issues. Gaslighting and manipulation may not be related to dementia. Geaton’s rules for coping with dementia are not really the point.

OP has just said ‘I’m a gutless wonder. I could never stand up to the sodding bully’. Spot on, probably. OP needs encouragement to see that she can refuse to live with Dad, whatever her siblings say.

dear OP,

you mention you’re trapped. i think some people really are in very difficult situations, and are indeed pretty much trapped.

i have a friend who was in a very similar situation: mother with dementia, saying awful things to her two sweet, helping daughters.

my friend told me some of the cruel things her mother says. she tries to tell herself, “it’s the disease, it’s not my mother”, but even so, the cruel comments hurt.

she (my friend) didn’t want to put her mother in a facility. but it got to a breaking point. it was all too much. last week, she put her mother in a facility. (after years and years of living with her).

the facilities where my friend lives, are awful. she knows that. but there really was no choice. it was too much.

i’m not at all saying your father should be in a facility. i’m saying some people really are in tough situations, and they’re indeed pretty much trapped. or at least, currently trapped. i understand you.

i hope you find a good way forward.

words do hurt (dementia or not), and often the mean parent was mean before too.

i hope not, but you probably notice the effect of all the stress on your body, your face. your mind.

no matter how tough you are, hurtful words will affect you. not just hurtful words, but being treated badly in general.

hug!

bundle of joy

Thankyou to those who have given helpful advice.

Favegirl1:

You are not trapped. Decision must be made today to place your father into a facility. Inheritance happens after someone dies. Unfortunately, his money pays for his care until he dies. Sorry, if his money gets spent down to Medicaid level, nothing is left for inheritance, and in most cases is not. Also, you and your family should not be personally or financially burdened, nor yourself be manipulated. That's what a facility is for: to care for anyone no longer able to care for themselves.

“Yes but unfortunately they have already let me know that they refuse to do this. So I’m trapped.”

Your siblings need to be told that they step up and help and maybe work something out so each one takes him for a few months at a time, or you will place Dad and that’s that. To hell with what they want at this point. Your life matters too.

Oh the triggers. That's been an issue for me as well.

I think that we get into trouble when we expect that we can re-orient our parent and then they'll realize the error of their ways and correct, or behave. When they can't or won't and it drives us crazy.

No one can push our buttons like a parent because they're the ones who installed them.

My mother will deny deny deny and always has so why stop now?
All of my life she has dismissed me and my feelings so why stop now?

She spits bits of food onto the floor instead of putting it into a napkin. I used to fuss at her but now I say nothing and clean it up. She likes grapes and she will spit out the skin onto the table or she'll wipe it under the table like a child would do. I just clean it up.

She's been living with me for 5 years and it's taken awhile not to get triggered by everything she does.

Put him in respite care now…..see how he does and how you do.
As far as correcting? That is an interesting point. When I was caring for mom and living together, I was overwhelmed with her thoughts that were derogatory and totally false. I corrected her a great deal because the imprint was so negative and it would make her even more upset with the ugly thoughts and words that she said. I tried to ignore and not respond to her specific statement and tell her what I knew which was positive and uplifting. She wore me down!

She went to respite for 3 months so I could have some time to see my husbands family and our grands. She loved it!!!! I didn’t put a lot of personal items in her home but enough to make her comfortable and got an alexa show so I could drop in and talk to her face to face. I also got Blink camera so I could see how she was doing or to run down the situations she described to me (which were all in her mind). She was content that I “ran” down each complaint and that she was safe and I was glad she told me. (By seeing what was actually going on with the camera, I was able to make up a conversation that I had with the staff and all was okay now.). Prior to the camera, I was concerned about calling the facility as much as mom dictated because it was false!
Respite him now and at Christmas, go see him with your sister and let her see how he is doing. If your sister wants to take him, then she can do it whenever is convenient to you and you will not be waiting on her or hearing about why it is delayed ;)
Btw, you teach people how to treat you!
FYI, If he is in MC, there are more staff for care. My mom is in AL and not quite ready for MC. I got her a aide to help her with showers and 2 meals a day; escorting her to events, walking, socializing, and drinking fluids. I paid good money for the AL extra care and it was worthless! Mom would refuse or delay and it wasn’t done and they still took the money BUT they didn’t tell me that mom was declining. The aide I got was cheaper than paying for their services and that person communicates with me. I have the aide text me at the end of the shift every day she works with a brief overview. Example: “shower day, mouth care, ate good at both meals, walked and drank 2 bottle of Propel, she was in good spirits”.

Don’t correct or point out anything he says that wrong or inappropriate. His “gaslighting” is the dementia. It messes with your mind in every way. The things he says he believes, at least the split second he says them, then they are forgotten or scrambled inside his mind. He’ll just claim he never said it or that it’s true, because he thinks it is true. As you’ve said, it just leads to arguments.

You have to do your best to ignore. Hopefully others who hear him can be educated in the fact that lying is a common dementia behavior. The dementia patient doesn’t see it as lying, that’s why it just leads to arguments to correct.

Your response of crying is totally normal. The tears shed over this dementia would be enough to drown the planet 1000 times over. If you can take a break to compose yourself in the moment. Just go in another room, go outside, just breathe. Join a support group online, in person or both. I had to start antidepressants.

You are doing fine. It’s hard to stay focused on the dementia when hateful things are being said to you and about you.

It is so hard to get to the point where you laugh off what they say or let it roll off of your back, but you will get there. No point in correcting or arguing with them. Just change the subject and move on. I am not making light of how frustrating it is or painful sometimes depending on the topic, but just know that they are demented and there is no making sense of anything going on in their head. Divert, divert divert the conversation.

Asking my mom an unrelated question usually throws her off of topic. Try it, you might be surprised.

You are reaching your saturation point but try to look at this problem from another angle. Your Dad has dementia, his mind isn't "normal" and he has no lasting control over it. When you get upset, so does everyone around you. If this were your friend's Dad you would have a much better understanding and be more tolerant - possibly amused! Next time, try to think of it like that. With humor, gently re-direct the conversation to a more neutral topic. Try practicing this approach and see if it helps to alleviate the tension and anxiety you're feeling around Dad.

When someone has dementia, they lose their sense of manners and appropriateness, and arguing or trying to reason with them doesn't help. Sometimes they are not interpreting things correctly. My mother was in a class and heard the teacher say "get out of here." She thought the teacher was telling one of the students to leave the class. Get therapy (maybe even grief therapy) for yourself, if you are not able to step back and accept him for what he is. My father, who was also quite deaf, would say whatever he thought very loudly in public. It could be embarrassing. Sometimes I'd just walk away. Try to accept your father day by day as he is. Try to see the humor in what he does and says. Try to be positive and helpful with him. I was able to do this better when I kept lowering the bar of my expectations of my mother and just tried to be happy, loving and helpful when I was with her. It's very sad to see a loved one decline mentally and physically, and not to be able to do much about it. I also sometimes went to a private place when leaving my mother after a visit and just cried. Have a plan, in case his care gets to be too much for you. Connect with a local social worker and elder care services to find out what his (and your) options are. The two basic choices are in-home caregivers and moving him to a memory care facility. If you have caregivers coming into your home, lock up your valuables and personal papers.

Let me share.
The endless lies, fabrications, and flat out fantasies never stopped. Once in a restaurant, my mom quite loudly LOUDLY told me she was having sex with her fiancee. No problem except she was not engaged, the supposed fiance did not exist, and he was invisible. Her endless stories were nonstop. There was no more conversation possible - the man next store was an ex-priest, the man across the street sends her coded messages with his car dash lights every morning, and the woman on the other side was beaten by her husband.

I know what the experts say - smile and nod, say 'really', go gray rock, but I could not handle it. All we ever talked about was endless fantasy about her. She began to lie about her age. AND the lies were never enough, she demanded that we agree with each lie. [was she a controlling woman in real life? YOU BETCHA] Once, in utter despair, I brought up the US Census online for the year she was born to show her age, her name, and her entry. She said the US Census was wrong.

This I could not do anymore, I accept an objective reality, as in gravity works, for example. I was simply not the person for her. I could not do it . Frankly, I did not want to do it. I was either furious or bored. For example, she let my brother die in her house and did nothing to get him help. The coroner told me he had been dead for days.

She told others that actually he moved and is in a rock band in Utah!!!

Looking at what I have written, I can see the psychology in her stories - keep her safe, keep her loved, keep her from guilt - I get that. I just could not handle it.

My psychology could not participate and I guess I did not love her enough to even want to try. Of course, I visited less and less. I talked less and less. Took medication before each visit. Left as soon as I could.

To you I offer - it will only get worse. See your doctor and get chemical help. If you have religious faith, use it. MOVE your father into a facility, if possible. You have a right to sanity. Just because his brain is gone doesn't mean you have to be damaged too.

Everyone here will be very helpful and give you tips. Just know that some of us could not manage the tips, and were near utter despair by the constant assault on reality. You are not alone.

Just know that this is going to happen. I was the worst daughter in the world, is what my Daddy would say to complete strangers. I had to just let him talk and I would look at the strangers and mouth ALZ. Then you could see the caring in their eyes and how they would just sit and listen to the rambling. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel believe me. Before my Daddy died he did say I was the best. I hope you can just swallow and walk away. If you have kids or little ears try and explain to them that he is sick and sometimes when someone is sick they say bad things. This is how I explained it to my Daddys great-grandchildren.
Prayers for you and yours.

I have a sort of mantra I repeat to myself quietly, “Where there is no memory there is no learning.” It’s possibly the saddest thing about Dementia. There is rarely if ever a course reversal. A child learns from mistakes, a patient does not. It helps to sort through various strategies to understand what will and won’t work. I feel for children caring for parents; when my father was failing he would say horrible things and they would cut like a knife because they always did. Now I am caring for my husband and I have learned to keep a sense of perspective. I rarely (not never) take his insults personally.

if inappropriate things around the family is a problem, then maybe speak to a pastor to see how you can deal with this! it's difficult to hear these things from a parent esp your father. my dad use to think i was his wife and say let's cuddle - things like that. i felt very awkward and somewhat 'dirty'. Since you believe your dad has dementia, that's another problem bc you said you don't think of that as much! Yeah, I get the sibling thing, they don't have to deal with this and God bless your husband. I would def speak to someone like a pastor, priest, therapist who deals with behavioral issues. Good luck

Hi Favegirl! My mom with mild/moderate dementia lives with me and hubby so I totally feel your pain! My mom and I used to get into arguments before her issues progressed to dementia. We'd not talk for a week! I didn't really mind cuz our conversations barely qualify as such. I also felt like a monster for being mad at an elderly woman with issues! It's so hard.

My hubby is a saint. He helps out and will make dinner for them when I am babysitting our grandkids until 8 or 9 PM. He chats with her like I am unable to do. They're both storytellers where I am more of a conversationalist - back and forth interaction is what I much prefer. And I never get it with mom. Just stories I've heard 100+ times before.

I KNOW so many things that I shouldn't do, shouldn't think, etc. BUT it's virtually impossible for me to do so. Sometimes I try to correct her and catch myself thinking "what are you doing??? Just let it go." I keep working on it. Ignoring the weird and annoying things. Hard for me.

Sorry that your siblings are hung up on the inheritance. It's not theirs to have. It's for the person that earned it. So, talk to your siblings and tell them that you are DONE. Tell them that if they'd like to be involved in the process, that'd be great. But within 30 days you need an answer to which path is going to be taken. Or you will make the decision yourself.

Good luck

Sounds like the solution is separation with love = placement. Call "A Place for Mom" and/or the care advisor on this site. A meeting with a Social Worker to get him accessed and a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can prescribe medications should help immensely.

Favegirl1, you are doing a wonderful thing. Don’t be concerned about breaking down once in a while. It really IS a depressing thing to see your loved one going through this. I try to change the subject whenever possible. I learned long ago to abide by the stuff I’ve read re memory loss. You just can’t argue with it! Hang in there.