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For 21 years, 77 year old Spouse has had serious health issues: 3x cancer, heart, later on diabetes. On May 30th was the 4th of his ER visits in 30 days and I drove him there each time as he moaned and cried in the seat beside me. One month later, he is on a steadier keel and improving, except for the hand tremors which are worse so I am doing the driving. My question is: on May 30th's night as I awaited news on when or whether to pick him up, I didn't want him to come back home. I didn't want him 'not' to come back, either. I realized I could handle it either way.


Since June 1st, the VA assigned a caregiver 3x weekly for 3 hours each time. It's been a godsend; after 3 weeks, the first caregiver quit for another job and now there's a new caregiver to get used to. It's still better than before, though, because I am 66 and do not have the endurance as I used to.

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Are there income limitations with the VA? While my father is far from wealthy, he has a pension/SS.
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JoAnn29 Jul 2020
You need to contact your VA rep in ur County. If Dad served during a war, is 65 and in need of care, there is Aid and Attendance. I suggest you take Dads records and talk to a VA rep. With the VA alot depends on when you served, how long u served, if during a war and if you retired after 20 years. Not all Vets get the same benefits.
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pronker: Let me expound on my previous post. Imho, while you MAY have experienced burnout on 5/30, you were still able to think clearly and you were able to handle it either way for your LO - coming home or not.
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pronker Jul 2020
Yes, I was leaning towards /not/ because IMHO, if I actively wanted him to stay away, it would seem like burnout. This feeling on 5/30 seemed liberating because the anxiety heretofore experienced over the span of 21 years diminished - I was okay either way.
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Imho, no, it wasn't burnout.
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I echo what EmmaSue says about the VA. There are other programs that might help.
And for VA Aid and Attendance there are restrictions and there are forms to fill out (it's the VA !) but DO NOT pay someone to help. There are Veterans Commission Offices that will help you and possibly help get even more benefits. And their services are free. FREE... They can get copies of your husbands paperwork and help determine if ANY condition he has is what is considered a "Service Related Disability" this will assign a % to the disability and benefits increase the higher the %.
There are Day Care Programs the VA will fund as well so if he can go to Day Care that can help with your burnout. The VA also has Support Groups and you should ask about that. You can learn a lot from the others in a group.
You can also ask about Home Based Primary Care, the nurses and doctor will come to you if it is getting more difficult to get him to appointments. (for specialty appointments you would have to bring him to your local VA or CBOC though.
And if you need supplies from medications, briefs (tab type to pull up), gloves, ointments, equipment ask and you most likely can get them delivered. (and ask if he qualifies for "catastrophic coverage" if he does there is a 0 copay)
And I do not know if it is still available or available in your area but there was a program called VIP (either Veterans In Place or it might have been Veterans Independence Program) that provides you with a budget that will enable you to hire caregivers as well as other help that will enable you to keep him at home.
If this is not an option and you can not keep him at home again depending on the % of disability he may qualify for one of the Residential Communities the VA has. (The types vary from area to area. )
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pronker Jun 2020
Good advice, thanks for the swift reply. The VA already designated 'non-service related' in his first interview with them 20 years ago and the benefits are less than service-related, but still good. Briefs, gloves, etc. are all supplied by the VA. I am considering joining a telephone based support group from the VA to call once monthly.

It was a strange but welcome feeling to consider that I didn't care either way if he returned home. Before during all the other health crises throughout the 21 years, the plan had been 'what to do once he returns home.'
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Yes it sounds like it. God bless you. And just an FYI if he is a veteran and needs care in the home the maximum amount of hours you can receive is 16. You may want to ask for that. Also you can get 30 days a year respite as well. And if there is an adult daycare facility nearby the va will pay for him to go there. Are any of his problems service connected or were they caused or started while he was in the service? You may be able to file a claim and receive extra funds due to his disabilities.❤️
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pronker Jun 2020
Good to know re the max number of hours, thanks. I didn't know about respite or the daycare. No, 'non-service related' is the term from the first VA interview 20 years ago and the benefits are less, but still pretty good. One thing about the 9 hours weekly is that I need to leave and have him know that I am gone, or he calls for me to do X regardless if the caregiver is right at his elbow or not. I therefore feel somewhat forced out of my own home for 9 hours weekly. So far, the pluses outweigh the minuses of this situation.
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