Is my stepfather's anger normal?

I don't care if it is normal or not, it is unacceptable. Do they both have mental issues? Perhaps speaking to the doctor can tell you how to handle this issue. Is he in denial? Does he feel you are interfering? I am not sure but this is just wrong. Can you speak with her privately. Go to your doctor and the local office on aging and see if they can come up with ways to help this situation. Somehow you need to know what is going on and have the right but I am not sure where to start.

Are you an only child or are there other siblings who are also asking questions and making demands of stepfather? As others have posted, offer help so he can get out once in a while to do whatever he wants to do. He may be fearful of having his wife "taken" from him and placed in a facility, it happens in families with step parents and children, maybe relieve him of that worry. Does he enjoy coffee or tea with fresh bakery? Stop off and pick some up to share with him, sit down and talk with him, not to him, and ask what you can do to help him out. Don't make it about mom and her medical issues, make it about him, his needs at this time.(Time away, cleaning, meal prep, helping him to get assistance via senior services.) Just going out for 5 mins. by myself was a luxury when I was taking care of my MIL. I had reprisals from her youngest that I should've taken mom with just to get her out (MIL was not left home alone, her son was with her) promises were made for assistance but never came to pass. I say this because he may feel burned out, depressed and unappreciated. He could also be of the generation that you don't speak of certain things except to a doctor or other medical professional, that family business is private. Conversation starter could be, I know this is hard for you not only because you take care of mom but also because you have to witness the woman you love slowly disappear, what can I do to help you out? One thing to remember about alzheimers and dementia, depending on what stage mom is in, she could be putting on a show for you so you don't know how bad she really is and the reality of the situation is much worse than you are aware of. He may or may not be receptive but it is worth a try. Wishing all of you peace during this trying time.

Imho, there are two sides to every story. Prayers sent.

You should read your rights under HIPAA. You can find answers. Maybe he thinks he has to maintain her privacy bc of that. Or is worried about finances, or that you will see hes not doing a good enuff job and take her from him to your home/nursing home, or take his money to care for her somehow. Has he always been controlling or just crotchety? Maybe his health isn't good. Maybe he thinks you go to see her & not him? Dunno. Only you know him. I dont.

Perhaps you can find out her status from nursing if she is at a facility. Or call her doc. Worse case they say no. Now you know where you stand. Or check from your county's dept of aging, or look online at what your rights are. Do you know if you are poa? Or is he? Did your mom ever discuss with you? If your in good with mom there shouldn't be problems.
You can always go to a lawyer or ask on a web site. I think its 5 bucks To ask a lawyer. But I'd research for free first of course. Just so he can't decide your no longer allowed to see her, or cant know anything. Some people are control freaks. If he is, I would find out my rights. It can't hurt.
I know I'll get hammered for trying to stir up trouble where there is none. But I learned the hard way. Had at least 6 different people who didn't know each other tell me things that were wrong. Or I should say in their favor. Its always good to know your rights. And one more thing. If your stepdad tells you something that doesn't sit well with you. Research. Its your gut telling you dont take that as fact. Your instinct is gonna be right. Good luck.

It sounds to me like he is burned out big time. Next time, if mom appears to be ok, talk to him to ASK what you can do for him. Does he have kids of his own? Offer to stay w/mom to give him a couple of weeks off and out of the house. For a period of time, don't make conversation about mom. Make it about him. The visit w/mom separately. You might ask if he'd like you to clean house for him, do laundry on regular basis, or even pay someone to go do chores for him. It might take a few visits to turn it around, but worth a try

did you have a good relationship before your mom apparently got sick?  has he always been this way?  some people just don't want others to know anything.  who has POA? Is your mom still at home?  have you tried asking him questions (general) ones about how he is doing, etc?  maybe he feels left out.  maybe just don't talk to him at all.  its a hard road to travel but wishing luck.

God, yes. My sister, who lives two states away, was sure my brother and I were riding roughshod over my mother's feelings because on one of her annual visits our mother had a brief freak-out about something unmemorable, and we merely calmed her down and distracted her. For us, some yelling is a pretty common occurrence; for her, it was terrifying. She (our sister) was sure we were doing everything wrong. So we were a little miffed. Our older brother, who was local but not living with us, thought we did nothing but live rent free. So every time we picked her up off the floor, hid the caffeinated tea and cereal so she wouldn't try to have breakfast at midnight, or tried to convince her that it was indeed midnight, we got a little angry at him. So read the book. Ask him what he needs that you can give him. Right now he's the expert on your mom.

It is not easy being the caregiver, especially when your charge has dementia. Take his advice and read up about Alzheimer's disease. Then, contact him - when you are not visiting mom. Let him know your concerns are not about him doing a "bad job" but about how you can be an asset, a help, to both of them. Keep in contact with him when you are not "visiting" so that your in-person visits can focus on connecting with your mom.

Teepa Snow

Im sure we haven't heard both sides of the story.

Do you adk a question or have you been drilling him and your questions feel more like accusations like maybe he isn't doing enough for your mom?

I'm sure he is coping the best way he knows how. It isn't easy.

Actually reading up on alzheimers is actually a very good idea.

The Book will be able to give you a lot more answers then he would anyway.

You would need to put yourself in his shoes, it's very sad having to go thru living with a loved one with alzheimers.
I'm sure he's got a lot of questions himself and wonders what's going to happen next and when the time will come that she won't be able to live at home any longer.

You should let him know that you want him to know how awful this must be for him.
You should offer to to spend the night or a whole weekend once a month to give him a much needed break.

Let him know that you understand him not bring there when you visit, he needs to be away and get a break at least once a week.

Be pleasant and bring gifts when you visit.

Bring or buy flowers, a meal or dessert.

Clean up the place a little while you're there visiting your mom.

No one understands until they do it, that being a 24 7 Caregiver is horrible.

Prayers

I agree with most of the other comments here and can speak from my experience. My husband’s daughter comes around to visit and asks questions as if she is second guessing my (and his doctors) decisions for my husband plus she can be very condescending. I have mailed her the 36 Hour Day book but I can tell she hasn’t read it. She has no clue plus I think she’s in denial to a certain extent and doesn’t want to accept her father is not the same person anymore. My saving grace was that she lived out of town and wasn’t around all the time. Now she is moving here so I may have to nip things in the bud if she becomes overbearing. I have been generous with information but I cannot allow her to “upset the apple cart” if her visits/questions become too much. I don’t know what questions you are asking your SD but please come from a place of concern and not judgement and after you have done some reading up on things. Offering him respite is a good idea.

Oooh, now.

This SO much depends on what questions you're asking.

Have you done the wider reading as he suggested?

It's only a guess, but judging just by what you've said in your post I would say that his anger would be completely normal for someone as stressed as he sounds being asked what he might consider to be dam'-fool questions.

He is probably depressed himself. Moreover he will not feel like running everything by you - it depends what your relationship was like before.
My stepfather was not very forthcoming about my mother at times and it takes a while for everyone to readjust to the changes. As our parents age we ask more questions out of concern but maybe it feels like intrusion. Over time it becomes the new norm.

Since he said "read a book about it" maybe that is what you need to do. There is a you tube show TippaSnow? (Someone will correct me) that explains what happens to a person suffering from a Dementia and how to deal with it. At you tube put is "search" "Alzheimers videos". A list will come up, pick the one with the yellow brain. Takes you thru the stages.

Other than visit, do you help at all. Like asked, do you bring a meal. Do you clean. Do you give SD a break. Stay long enough for him to get out for a while. Take Mom for a ride. Caring for someone 24/7 takes a lot out of someone. You are dealing with, basically, a toddler. Mom probably has no short term memory. Doesn't have the ability to reason or have empathy. Can't appreciate what her DH does for her. She probably asks the same questions over and over. Thats why he is tired of answering yours.

There will come time when SD cannot do it anymore and may need to place Mom in an AL or even LTC. Be supportive. Unless you have cared for someone with a Dementia, you have no idea. Maybe you should give SD a vacation. Some respite. You care for Mom for a week and then you will see how she is.

I don't know how you are asking the questions. He may be feeling that he is "being questioned" if you know what I mean. That he is taking care of her, and you are there instead of with support, with questions. You can imagine his life now is nothing BUT questions, from his wife, your Mom. And from medical personnel. I suspect he is very frustrated.
What questions exactly do you have for him. Could you give us a few for instances? You understand that your Mom has Alzheimer's. HAVE you read a bit on it?
How about just visiting and saying "Dad, how about you go watch a game and relax; take a ride and relax; go to the workshop and relax". Take a casserole with you so Dad doesn't have to worry about meals. Ask how you can help and what you can bring. Tell him that you want to support him in his excellent care of your Mom and tell him to let you know what ways you can help.
I suspect your Dad is depressed, and anger often is a manifestation of depression. I can't know what you are saying or how he is responding. Or if you ever had a strong relationship the two of you. But these are just some things to try, and I wish you the very best of luck.

Maybe not anger, probably frustration and burnout. He is her primary caregiver and tired. It is very difficult to care for AD 24/7, some do not want to talk about it. It is quite the emotional rollercoaster.

Have you offered to help? Maybe accompany mom to the doc? Have you sought out caregiver support groups? Try reading the 36 Hour Day.

What can you do to support dad? Are you critical of how he cares for mom?

If he is mom's POA it is actually his job to keep mom's information private. Maybe is honoring mom-s wishes to not want to bother you with health issues?