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My husband has had a memory problem going on 6 years and I really didn't know he had the disease of dementia back then. Now my husband is at the point where he is regularly forgetful. He can stand in front of the napkins on the counter and ask me where they are. If he wants cereal he goes and gets one of my plastic mixing bowls. We have been married for 48 years. Here's the problem. If I try and help or direct him he becomes agitated and sarcastic. Its getting worse. Its as if he's turned against me. I'm the bad guy. He accuses me of changing things on him. For instance I washed his sheets and put them back on his bed. He says I changed them and he doesn't like the ones on the bed. There are many, many stories I could tell. I really am at my wits end. I look at him and barely know him. I wait on him hand and foot. I try to anticipate what he needs. I am crying quite a bit. Once in a great while I will see his soft side. I know the rules of how to respond to the situation but its so hard when he is at me all the time. He told me the other day that I play victim. He also tells me that "he's back" that his memory is ok. I never correct him on this point. He watches fox news 10 hours a day and he retains pretty much what he hears. I think this is good because it challenges him. He won't exercise which his neurologist heavily suggested. He also refuses to go back to see him. He used to be a walker but now he just sits in front of the TV. We do have 2 yorkies which he adores. He kisses them and holds them and really shows love, he rarely shows me the same affection. I am so confused. When he initially had a cat scan it showed he had 2 mini strokes. When we are in a group of people he will tell them that he had a stroke, he refuses to say the word "dementia". We recently had another cat scan and his regular doctor told me nothing seems to have changed since the first scan. My husband is on Memnatime and Dopezil. He takes the max dosage. My husband will turn 79 in a few months. I am 68. I am lost and don't know what to do. My concern is he will get more verbally abusive.

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yatzeedog: You're welcome and sending prayers! T.I.A.s do happen without the patient being aware that they did. And even a saint can have a week minute or two!
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You are very wise 97yroldmom. R u actually 97? It has been a very rough weekend. I went next door and helped painting a porch. My husband became furious when he saw me painting. He came over and said a couple of nasty comments to the neighbor which is also my favorite cuz. I got him home and I became so mad at him. I told him he doesn't own me. I know its a waste of time to expend anger on someone who doesn't understand any more but my capacity and tolerance for his harshness is at its end. Next morning got up and took care of a few chores. My husband also got up at the same time which is unusual. I was putting a picture frame together for his bathroom mirror. Its 44" X 44" so its large enough to be awkward. I went and got the stepstool so I could get on top of the vanity and place the frame. I lost my balance and fell off the vanity hard. Wrenched my back and messed up my ankle. After I gathered myself and yelled at myself for being careless, I limped out of his bathroom and went upstairs to my bedroom to change and lay down for a few minutes. That's when it hit me. I have no one watching my back. I need to be much more careful. Well that is not the end of my bad day. I noticed my husband wiping away the sleep from his eye. He kept on wiping it until the corner of his eye looked bruised. I got him a mirror and told him to look into it and see what he is doing. Of course he threw harsh words at me and looked into the mirror. He said he got whatever was in there out. I saw nothing. Then a short time later I saw him digging at his other eye. Again the corner of his eye looked bruised. I pleaded with him to stop that he was only making things worse. He continued. I finally broke down in big gulping sobs and couldn't stop. He saw I was crying hard and he came over and stroked my back. My crying went on for an hour. Crying only makes you feel worse. I hate to cry.
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NYDaughterInLaw May 2019
You are lucky that your fall from the vanity didn't result in any broken bones or a head injury. Were something to happen to you, what's going to happen to your husband?

Uncontrollable crying is a sign of caregiver burnout. There's also compassion fatigue. Your husband's needs are only going to increase. Please do not wait until something catastrophic happens to begin looking at options for your husband's care.
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I know exactly what you are going through. I too have become my husband's enemy. I get blamed for him having LBD, because I am in "cahoots" with the doctors. I am also constantly being accused of having affairs and having my lovers shine spot lights into the house to "piss" him off. I also have to wait on him hand and foot because he can't get out of a chair or the bed without my practically doing all the lifting. I am so exhausted, I barely have time to take a shower much less have these numerous affairs. I can try to redirect him, but he's like a broken record and keeps on and on with his accusations. What we do is not easy and some family members don't understand, because since he can carry a conversation with them for a few minutes, they think he's fine and I'm just exaggerating. So, "yes" our marriages are over because our husbands will never be the same and neither will we.
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Has your husband had the gold standard for dementia - an M.R.I.? I wouldn't classify the marriage as "over." I would classify it as being "changed."
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
Thanks for your response. He's had MRIs and CAT scans. The MRI was first and it showed he had 2 mini strokes without knowing it. CAT scans showed nothing new thank God. You are right that my marriage isn't over, its just changed. The day I wrote my question I was broken. Had a bad week and couldn't stop crying. My crying binges are less and less because my expectations of life getting better have also changed. I know it won't. What I don't know, and neither does anyone else in my situation, is what is next. Not every case is the same. I find this site as my way of coping. I can't join a group and go talk it out. It seems senseless. There's enough on the internet to go to if you need answers. I can't imagine sitting there sharing your situation without bawling uncontrollably.
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I don't have any suggestions for you. But just so you know, I feel for your situation and so hope you find peace of mind. That's probably not the most helpful response, but just so you know. And, there are people here that can help you.
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Has your husband been examined by a doctor to diagnose his mental state? Has he been diagnosed as having dementia? There are many degrees of dementia and everyone is different. You will have to figure out what your alternatives are. There may be a point where you will not be able to care for him by yourself. With my mother who has a slowly progressing dementia over a period of years, I have had to continually lower the bar of my expectations. Now I am just making sure that she is well cared for and living as good a life as she can, given her condition. You have to balance your needs with his.
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
Yes we've had two different neurologists test him. My husband is on the drugs of memantine and dopezal. One is for keeping the swelling of the brain down, and one is directed to the brain's tangles. BUT remember there is no cure so...…. I could live like we are now indefinitely but my fear is what is coming at me. The best thing we did was hire an excellent eldercare attorney who walked us thru everything. Wills were made out and a POA was put in place. He answered all our questions about our fears of losing our house, in-home care and everything in between. We didn't know what to ask so he started with a list. Just feeling relief knowing our savings won't be touched and that the house will not be touched, if and when I need round the clock help. There are restrictions as to how much you have in your savings so talking it over with an attorney is a must. Ron will not go into a facility. He will stay home with me with extra help. I'm praying to God Ron's dementia moves slowly. However I have noticed it getting worse. Almost in bursts. He'll be at one stage for a long time and then all of a sudden I start noticing changes. Last year he wasn't so argumentative. He's always asking if me now if I trust his judgement. That's new. He also has changed this year as to being stubborn. If he wants something changed and I I try to redirect it, he keeps coming back, and back until I lose patience and give in. It's just easier but I wonder if he's playing me at times. My brother has nicknamed in Mayhem. Don't know what I would do without my brother's sense of humor.
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I saw this happen with my parents. My dad has gone through the 7 stages of Alzheimer's disease, and in some of those stages he was horrible to my mother. He accused her of cheating him, having boyfriends, deceiving him in any number of ways (bear in mind, she was nearly 90 at the time), you name it. After that, he would get irritated when she tried to help him or redirect/distract him. He changed for the better as the disease progressed. We all knew that it was not him, it was the horrible disease he had. Eventually he became friendly and compliant again. I know it's hard, but keep in mind it's not him, it's his disease.
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With the verification of him suffering two mini-strokes, I would say apart of his problem is vascular dementia. That can cause personality changes. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease with vascular dementia in 2014. I cared for him at home as he progressed until two years ago when he was admitted to the Senior behavioral unit at a local hospital for evaluation. After he was placed on several pysch drugs, we decided that I would be unable to care for him at home. He was having hallucinations, delusions, and was unable to walk more than about 10 feet even with a walker. Since he was 87 and I was 82, I was anable to care for him. We had had income caregivers for about 8 months preciously but he had become too sexually assertive with them, that they would no longer accept him, so I had been doing it on my own for about 6 months. It was very hard to place him in a memory unit care center, but my life began to return to more normal and I was able to attend church and get out with friends which I had totally given up while he was home.

I suggest you keep a list of his actions, and other observations you have, then just give it to his Dr. rather than voicing your concerns in front of him. You should talk to the Dr about his driving, since that could become a problem and he will not respond favorably to anything you or a family member says, but probably will accept a Dr's. When the psychologist told my husband he really shouldn't drive any more, he accepted it and never offered or tried to drive after. He still had his driver's license, and would tell people that he could still drive, but he never tried. I always made sure I was available to take him wherever he wanted to go as long as he was able to get in the car.

It is a hard decision, but one that must be made and I still cry on the way home after visiting. I try to visit at least every other day for a couple hours, as the care center is 45 miles from our home. Couldn't find one closer that would accept him with this diagnosis. They are very caring and put up with his mood swings.
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If you can get some respite care for him at home a few times a week, you should do it. You need to have private time for yourself and others in your family. Don't feel guilty!
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
We are still at a point that I can leave without worrying too much about him. He's so attached to our 2 yorkies which keep him company while I'm away. I have gone for 4 hours but call each hour to see if everything is ok. So I am lucky I can do this for now. I'm puzzled that I don't try to get out more because some days are unbearable. Weeks go by where I just stay 5 feet from him. I feel responsible for his well being and care.
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It sounds like he needs either a home health agency to help you or he needs to be placed in a facility. As hard as this may sound, you need to stand up for yourself when he becomes abusive. I'd also suggest you go see a counselor to help you assert yourself. Hope this helps you.
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
In my eyes he is far from needing outside help just yet. If someone were to come now he would be so distraught to think I would get someone in to stay with him. He's pretty functional. He does his own laundry still - it may look a little crazy on the hanger, but he tries. He can work the microwave, he baths and shaves every day. He dresses fine. His driving isn't bad at all but then again we live in the country where there isn't congestion. He is very selfish with my time. My favorite cousin just bought a summer house right next door and I know he dislikes me spending time with her but I refuse to stop. I couldn't live under his thumb. Even when he was okay he was selfish about me spending any time with someone other than himself. That was always a problem but I still stood up to him. My husband is a loner since the day I met him. Me, I'm a social butterfly which is hard.
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Lot's of good advice below, one thing I would add is to your question, no your marriage isn't over but it has and will continue to change. It's just different, well should you want to continue it of course because you do have the power and right to end it, that doesn't sound like an option for you and I support that. There are many facets to a marriage one of the mainstays of a good one is friendship, kindred-ship which is what I hear you describing about political discussions and everyday conversations is exactly that. It is also caring for him because keeping his mind active is an important thing. I can't imagine how much it must hurt to see him show love to your animals and not you in that affectionate way but as you know he has a disease and perhaps you can find joy in knowing he still able to feel and express that emotion at all. Just having those day to day conversations with you and probably in a very odd way even giving you a hard time are his ways of showing how important you are to him. I can only imagine how hard it is to be going down this road with your life partner.
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
Thank you so much for your insight. I will never place him outside our home unless he becomes physical which I pray to God that won't happen. I cherish those days where he seems happy with me however those are few and far between but they are enough to keep me going. Its just so frustrating when he totally ignores my input into a given situation. Example. He is now fixated on our security lights around the house. He keeps saying we need new ones when in fact we do not. He did a balancing act on our front porch railing last night around 7 pm trying to put them back together after we loaded them with batteries. I pleaded with him not to stand on the railing but there was no listening to me. We made it through the exercise without broken bones but God it scares me when he is determined to do things like that. I truly appreciate you taking time to respond to me. I hate telling my friends anything b/c they have no idea how to support me. A couple friends have shut down on me and no longer converse with me. I understand because they do not. Thanks again.
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Blessings to you as I have experienced some of what you describe. I, too, find it hard to be "on call" 24/7 and like you, I am saddened to see my love one's decline. I am also 11 years younger than my loved one, as you are. And sometimes I feel robbed because of the age difference.
First, I would like to tell you that you are not alone. Many others are in similar situations. Second, it helps me to realize that I have a choice to go, and a choice to stay. I choose to stay. There is some strength and power in realizing that I get to make that choice. Another source of "power" (empowerment) for me is God. I know that this caregiving is a spiritual opportunity for me to love my loved one even when he's difficult. I may need to step back for a few minutes, a few hours, or 1/2 a day, but it is a huge area of growth for me. I'm growing in patience, in tolerance and especially in NOT being defined by what another does or says. That's been a core lesson for me. I've been learning that lesson for a very long time. I've also asked for help so I can get away and renew myself and my commitment to the "project". AgingCare.com has many mentions of community and governmental resources as well as help from friends and family. I am learning to ask for help... and to accept it.
Another resource for me is gratitude. I try to remember what I can be grateful for in my life and in my loved one's life. There are plenty of things. When I jot them down, I'm amazed.
Wishing you peace of mind, health and a fruitful journey. Not everyone can do this work. It's the hardest emotional work I have ever done. But if you choose to stay, and if you choose to see the "gifts" of the work, you will be changed forever. Sending hugs and more hugs.
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
Thank you for responding. I choose to stay the course. Unfortunately I have no faith in God because of this terrible disease. My God would not put people thru this.
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My husband is 44 and actually worse.

We have 2 little girls who are afraid to be around bc don't know which daddy from one minute fo next.

Has been hard and I feel guilty all the time bc I should be more patient.

I asked for patient care coordinator but told I don't need by Sloan.

I'm about to have major surgery soon and cooking non stop, freezing meals.

I don't know how will make sure doors not just locked but closed. That stove is off.

I wish I had a better answer.

I use a lot of sticky notes.

Take pics and weigh food so he has evidence no one took anything from him.

I wish you the best.

God bless

Kim
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
Kim, I am so sorry to hear your husband is worse. You are one strong lady handling his disease and your little girls. The first thing that comes to mind is I hope you take time for yourself to regroup. You are way too young to be going thru something like this.
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I think sometimes people take their stress out on the person that is closest. It’s terrible when that person is you.

Maybe you can talk with his doctor privately about his emotional changes to see whether his medications could be contributing. I think I would feel depressed if I had his dx. Maybe he needs something to help with that.

We are mostly here (at this forum) because we have significant loss of a close relationship (or a significantly changing relationship that will eventually become a loss). It may not help you to know you are not alone on this terrifying rollercoaster, but you aren’t alone.

Make sure you you are doing little nice things along the way to make your life better. Enjoy things that you once didn’t notice (the beauty of the carnation in the vase at the diner), nature’s fireworks - a sunrise/sunset. A great book (not related to your painful situation).

Take care of yourself. Be gentle. Go on a nice walk, play with those darling Yorkers, ask for extra conditioning when you get your haircut. Don’t forget to live while you are going through this confusing time of change. You may have to work hard to remember sometimes to look out for yourself. Please be good to yourself.
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Ahmijoy May 2019
Great answer. Took me a looong time to learn to be good to myself and not sweat the small stuff. Still trying.
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It sucks big time to be with someone so long and try your best, only to be ragged on whenever anything goes wrong. The verbal abuse despite all the solid aid you give him is demoralizing. I hope and trust this forum helps in real ways to show how to ameliorate the hurt of feeling hated in your own home.

Spouse accuses me of stealing from him, hiding his food, and at the worst times, being uncaring of his welfare. I have learned to don mental armor and not to ask him questions or helicopter because he sees this as intrusive. If your husband refuses to say "dementia," he realizes that all is not well and is fighting the world and you're the part of the world that he lives with, so you get both barrels. It's such a war zone and trial; I wish you the best. How nice that you and he share doggies' love.
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Thank u all. When my husband and I got the official diagnosis we saw an elder care attorney. We changed our wills and did the paperwork for a POA. That meeting was gut wrenching. I will never divorce my husband, it’s a knee-jerk reaction I have when I feel hurt by him. What is so confusing to me is a lot of the time he seems “normal”. We have conversations mostly political. He laughs at the puppies and plays with them and then WHAM he turns on me. He is insistent that we should move. Should I play along with this and hope that he will move on to something else or be direct with him and tell him we aren’t moving. I don’t want to move but I try so hard to give him what he wants. I’ve done this all my life. I’ve always put him first. Here’s something I left out - he’s still driving. I always accompany him. He was a sales rep all his life and is able to drive without any incidences. I know when he shows signs where he can’t be trusted to drive I’ll take over.
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Ahmijoy May 2019
we have been married for 44 years. I think you and I are of the era when we DID put our husbands first for many reasons.

I get the feeling that placating your husband is uppermost in your mind. Tell him what he wants to hear and he won’t turn on you. Unfortunately, this is a never-ending circle. I’d like to insert here that as his disease progresses, if at any time he becomes physical, call 911. It has happened to other posters and it worries us here. Dementia is a nasty, unpredictable disease.

Move? Yikes. That would be a massive undertaking. It’s difficult enough when you are young and carefree and when you’re a senior citizen it’s even worse. Don’t flat out tell him no. Tell him you’re considering it. Learn how to tell the therapeutic fib. Divert and redirect.

When a loved one has dementia, those of us who care about them can feel like we’ve been dumped in OZ. It’s overwhelming, not fair and so very stressful. Arming ourselves with understanding and knowledge of what’s to come helps. We have to be open to what others, who’ve experienced this have to say.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. It’s the best way to survive.
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I think a lot of people (without strokes and dementia in the house) have a marriage that is not entirely different than what you described.

If you crave an emotional connection, try your hardest to be affectionate and loving toward him. I know it’s difficult, especially since you feel things have changed, but he is going through his own crisis with these diagnoses.

Try your best to love him for who he is now. If times get harder down the road, you’ll wish you could go back to the way it is currently.

I’m sorry things have changed. I know it hurts.
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The marriage you knew has changed. Since he has had strokes, there. Is a good chance he has vascular dementia in addition to other diagnosed.

Our mom after first month in memory care said she had graduated from it and could now go home, so her dementia was special and she was going to get better. She knew because, well she just did.

Huh. Of course that did not happen and she has been failing for last month, significantly so in last 2 week's. This disease whether straight up ALZ or mixed,which what my mother has per hospice Medical director, takes some pretty wild turns at times.
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It’s tough. You should be preparing for what comes next. Do you have family that can help you with this?
definately speak with the doctor and ask for guidance with where to get help and advice. You need to get respite and you need to speak with a social worker to guide you and where your nearest carer support group is. Wealth of knowledge there. Good luck. Let us know how you go
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yatzeedog123 May 2019
I don’t know what’s next. I know the disease will eventually destroy him.
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Yatzeedog,  (((hugs))) this is so hard to go through.  I had therapy and a caregiver support group while my first husband went through cancer chemo, which was too strong for him to handle.  It affected his brain, and his whole personality changed.  At first I argued back, then I considered divorce, but my therapist said a lot of terminal cancer patients push their loved one away with anger.  He said it is not intentional, but it is a way of separating when they know they may die soon.  He was also just very angry that chemo was failing, angry with the disease, etc. 

Get away as much as possible.  Get support for yourself. I wish we could come give you hugs.  Before choosing to leave for longer than respite, see a lawyer about your options, insurance, your home, etc. Decide when rested and having talked it out. Know that you are not alone.  Many of us understand.
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Yatzeedog, of course you have the right to divorce your husband, but after 48 years, you’ve been with him longer than you were anyone else. Could you live with yourself if you left him? Can you live with what your family and friends will say? Would you truly be happier alone?

Alzheimer’s presents in different ways for everyone who suffers with it. My father-in-law was meek and mild. He wasn’t particularly delusional and didn’t have many hallucinations. But my mother became even more snarky and self-centered than she had been before she got Alzheimer’s.

When your husband goes off on one of his accusatory, nasty rants against you, if he is at all capable of understanding consequences, seriously and without anger in your voice, tell him you are very sorry that he is not happy with you and what he sees you are doing or not doing. Tell him you are going to start looking for someplace for him to go where he will be happier. Tell him you are not leaving because you are not the one who is so unhappy. Repeat this every time he gets nasty. 97yroldmom is right. You need to detach emotionally and try to not take this so personally. Your husband is depressed and unhappy with himself and the way things have turned out. He’s taking it out on you. Innsome way, when he sees the hurt in your eyes, he feels vindicated. No, it’s not fair. It’s the disease.

If you do decide to divorce, get an attorney on board immediately. Your own attorney. Find out what your rights are. Don’t make threats to him about this. When you decide to do it, do it. And prepare yourself to live with your decision.
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yahtzeedog,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The emotional toll must be devastating. Typically, with dementia, the one they interact with the most is the "bad guy," and sadly you are "It."

Your marriage isn't over, but the dynamic between you and your husband is forever changed, and you must change with it. He's not the man you once knew. His brain is broken.

Will he go for a walk with you if you ask? Tell him you're taking the Yorkies out for a walk, and would he like to go?

His verbal abuse may or may not accelerate in the coming months or years. People with dementia don't always follow the same predictable path. But at some point you won't be able to leave him on his own. Take as many opportunities as you can to get out and away for awhile, for your own sake. In the meantime it's not to soon to explore options for his future care. At some point (perhaps sooner than you think) his needs will exceed what you can manage, and it will be reassuring to have a plan in place.

Caring for a loved one with dementia is so hard, so painful. ((((Hugs))))
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shad250 May 2019
Brain is not broken it's dying
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Hi yatzeedog

It sounds like you have lost the husband you knew. I’m sorry for that. It’s such a kick in the gut. If he had died, you would be grieving him but he wouldn’t be mistreating you any longer. So it’s worse in some ways.

Somehow you will need to detach emotionally. You will need to look for support in other places. He is no longer able to provide it. Somehow you have to equate his hurtful words with his illness and not your memory of him or your own self worth.

I don’t know how you can be expected to do that. It’s cruel.
We, as a society, expect the spouse to suck it up. That’s just not fair. And you do have to remain strong to take care of the both of you. So put you, your own care, at the top of the list.

Seek help from a therapist so you can sort these very complicated feelings out. You are grieving. Support groups and even forums like this can support you going forward but you will have decisions to make about your future.
See a certified elder attorney to make sure you have your essential paperwork in order.
Let his doctor know about his behavior in case there are medications that can help him come to terms with this awful disease that he is dealing with. He will change as his condition progresses. Sometimes that makes him easier to deal with. Sometimes it’s worse.
Factor in time for you away from the situation.
Keep practicing with the rules until you hit on a way he will be soothed by what you say instead of reacting negatively.
You are important too. It can’t be all about him. Any level or layer of help is beneficial. A little bit of help can go a long way in making your life easier to manage. There is a poster who was on this forum for years, JeanneGibbs. She posted often about her long journey with her husband who had Lewy Body Dementia. Do a search for Coy on this forum. That was his name and you’ll find many of her posts. You might find some help in how she managed his care and her attitude toward him.
I am glad he has the dogs for now. They have a big job countering 10 hrs of Fox or any news program.
Hugs
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