I am a male only child who has cared for my mother since my father passed away in 2000. I was only 43 at the time. She was clinically depressed and agoraphobic when he died. She couldn't drive due to seizures, so I was her only connection to the outside world. I eventually got her to get out and enjoy being with people. She had TIA's and epileptic seizures for years, and I rushed home every time to make sure she was okay.
We moved her from her home into independent living in 2006. She lived there until November 2017 and she loved it. When she was no longer able to take care of herself we moved her to assisted living. She has always relied on other people for her well-being. She has called frequently to say she pushed the button on her pendant for service and no one has responded.
My mother has been in hospice for over a year but has now begun the end-of-life transition. I visited her today and she wasn't aware that I was there. She is 89 and has been quite comfortable up until this time.
I feel exhausted after looking out for her for almost 21 years. I think I've been a good son because she has always been well taken care of. I have no guilt. I called my female cousin today, who is very close to my mother, to tell her the end it near. She was bawling but I couldn't seem to muster a tear. Is it wrong that I feel numb now that she is at the end of her life?
First I want to give you a hug. You have fought the good fight. You have been a great ally for your mom and in spite of your numbness, you are going to miss your mom.
I too was numb when my mom died. I did not even want to help with her services or attend her funeral but my family insisted and I was too tired to resist. The exhaustion will be with you for awhile. How long I can’t say. My mom has been gone for six years and I’m still tired but I have my DH aunt still. My wish is that you give yourself all the time you need. The tears will come when you least expect them if you are like me or perhaps not at all. It’s okay either way. There is no rush. We each grieve in our own way. No right or wrong.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Love is an active verb. You loved your mother by caring for her. Tears don't "prove" your dedication or make your love for her more valid. Allow your grief to unfold in its own way.
My Mom opened her arms to our friends. And some didn't have it so easy at home. She treated them just like her own. So when one of these friends mention how good she was and that her home was a safe place to fall, I cry.
So, don't worry about the numbness. Its a safety mechanism. When the tears come you will be alone and will have a hard time shutting them off.
Here are the stages:
Stage 1 - Denial - a feeling of disbelief that the loss occurred or is occurring.
Stage 2 - Anger - a feeling that this isn't fair and being mad about the situation
Stage 3 - Bargaining - trying all sorts of ineffective methods to try and bring back what is "normal"
Stage 4 - Depression - feelings of sadness and maybe withdrawal over loss
Stage 5 - Acceptance - feeling that it is alright and loss doesn't hurt
She really doesn't have much of a life now and I wouldn't want to continue living like that so she probably doesn't either and she's ready to go home.
It's probably her med's that she's given to make her not know you.
Juse let her know you are there for her and love her and it's ok to go now and you will see her n Heaven when she wakes up.
Your tears will come but they will be tears of joy that she is no longer in pain and is now resting in Jesus.
You are more able to accept the death since you've been taking care of her and have seen the decline.
Every one handles it differently and the tears will come.
I know you mom appreciates all you did for her.
She was blessed with a good son.
Prayers
You
You have done well as a son.
Maybe you’re not numb but actually at peace with the life you provided for her. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Curious, though, why did you feel it necessary to begin by telling us you were a male caregiver?
Well done. Now....................... long exhilation.
You’ve probably done your grieving as a a caretaker - and bless you for for 21 years of care - and now you can rejoice that her spirit is taking a beautiful turn.
Remember, that your feelings are like your height and eye color - they belong to you, but you can't control what you feel. You will process your grief in your own time and in your own way, and what you feel will be yours and will be correct.
After my mom died, people were very sympathetic. I felt anger, because I had grieved for years over every cognitive decline and loss of memory and abilities that my mom had suffered, and they were only sympathetic then?