Follow
Share

I've been caring for her the last four years with no days off. 24-7 I literally do everything for her with no help from sisters. Brother has POA now and because of his hate for me, I'm the youngest, he has cancelled my insurance and cell phone and doesn't allow mom to help me nor does he allow her one dollar. He transfers mom's S.S. check to his personal account as soon as it's deposited. I've sacrificed everything, which is fine, but they don't help at all nor do they respect my mother's wishes. If she was to pass today I would be without a home, job or money. So it's more about me having something to fall back on so I could quickly find a job when it's time . They won't help, not even a few hours a day for me to work P.T.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Bravo, I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

How do you know, for example, that mom's SS check is deposited into brother's personal account?

Is mom's name on on that account as well (they have a joint account)?

That was certainly the case when MY mom was alive. My brother with POA was mom's representative payee for SS; she also "never saw a dime" of her money because she was no longer able to manage it.

Mom also no longer had her CC, because we'd taken and cancelled them.

People with dementia, even mild dementia often become paranoid and report that people are stealing from them.

Please make sure that you aren't basing what you're reporting here on a dementia patient's paranoid fantasies.

DO arrange to leave. Your brother will simply need to make other arrangements.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Bravo, you are the only one who can make things change. The police normally don’t like getting involved in a ‘family dispute’ where they are likely to hear different versions from all the people in the dispute.

Perhaps the most straightforward thing to do is to quit with M and immediately inform APS that you are quitting and that M will not be adequately cared for. You can add in all the complaints about brother. But you will need to get out – wherever you go, even to a shelter if you can’t find a friend to couch-surf with for a couple of weeks. It’s hard, but it’s a case of ‘least worst’, not a ‘good’ solution.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks for your responsiveness to our suggestions, Bravo. Notgoodenough makes the point that my advice to you to get an elder law attorney to check on brother's management of your Mom's funds may not be possible for you due to financial constraints. If that's true do consider calling APS (Adult Protective Services) and report your suspicions re bro's mismangement of mom's money and his failure to provide for her needs you currently fulfill. They will open a case with no charge and have the power to ask for an investigations.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Bravo, you REALLY need to contact the police. It is totally illegal for your brother to take moms social security check and leave her using your credit cards to eat. Your sister should be prosecuted for stealing moms credit cards.

Obviously none of this is easy but, not doing it through the legal system can leave your mom in serious trouble if she ever needs medicaid.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
notgoodenough Nov 19, 2023
I agree totally
(1)
Report
Wow , thank you all . I read them all . Everyone made sense and I actually feel better see clearer and ready to follow through with some of everyone's advice. Man I feel so much better. I don't know which I miss more . Work or girls. Easy it's girls just a bit more. Thanks again everyone
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I agree with everyone that from a legal/labor perspective Bravo should be compensated as a caregiver or alternative paid caregivers should be hired. But no one is taking into consideration the emotional toll on mom of her son walking away after being her caregiver for 4 years.

It also concerns me that mom isn’t allowed one dollar of her own money? OP probably doesn’t have the money to hire an attorney, but yes, protective services should be called if POA is transferring moms money to his personal account as soon as it is deposited leaving mom with nothing.

It seems a lot of information is missing here. How is mom paying for groceries, meds, etc?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
cwillie Nov 18, 2023
Things won't improve for mom either unless the OP forces change.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
One of my cousins moved in with his elderly parents. Quit is job. Cancelled the aides the POA had hired.

After second parents' death, attempted to go back to work. Had developed chronic physical issues and deep depression. His POA sibling didn't hate him, but didn't get why he thoughts HIS care was better than highly trained aides, and eventually VA NH for his dad, whose mental illness and dementia was finally treated.

Committed suicide. Please don't be my cousin
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

If you suspect your brother of mismanaging your mom's finances by transferring them into his PERSONAL account, then report him to APS or consult an elder law attorney to ask for a financial accounting of the management of your mother's assets.

Your brother has a right to manage all finances now, as POA for your mother.

If you are "doing everything for her" then it is time to tell brother that you cannot continue to act for your mother nor "do everything" without financial compensation. That is to say--tell him "I quit as of now". It is not wrong to ask for compensation, BUT it must be done formally and there must be a contract of care for time and expenditure. Something that would hold up in court, as your brother is now LEGALLY accountable for being able to prove every single cent he spends of your mom's money, as her POA. He must have records that will stand up in court if he is being called to account. Your brother has a choice to hire help for her or do it himself.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
notgoodenough Nov 18, 2023
If OP can't afford to pay routine monthly bills, there is no way OP will be able to afford an elder lawyer's fees. And since OP is NOT POA and has no access to mom's funds, we can't even give the oft-touted advice to use MOM's funds to pay for the lawyer.

Other than that, I agree with the advice you offered.
(3)
Report
See 6 more replies
I agree with those who recommend leaving. Stop being the PoA's convenient solution. He may appreciate you once you're gone (or not). Give him a few weeks notice so he can find a replacement but offer no reason (so he can't negotiate with you). If he can't figure out why you're leaving then he's a dunce. Then when the deadline comes, leave no matter what.

Also, if he's depositing your Mom's SS checks into his account, this may delay or disqualify her financially for Medicaid. Maybe he's doing this because you're currently joint on her checking account, but still -- not a good strategy by him. In NV the Medicaid look-back period on the application is 5 years...
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You say that you've "sacrificed everything" but I can only guess by what you've written that there was much to be gained by your "sacrificing" like free room and board and having your bills paid so you didn't have to work outside your moms home right?
And now that your brother has stopped paying your bills, it's time to man up and get a real job and put your 2 week notice in for being moms caregiver. And of course that will mean moving out as well, even if it's to a homeless shelter for the time being. They do offer programs that will help anyone that is looking to be gainfully employed, so I hope you will take advantage of that.
Your brother will now have to be the one who steps up and decides what moms care will look like whether it be in a facility or in his home. So hand over the reigns and don't look back.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You've been sacrificing your life (and your future) for four years without compensation, what makes you think asking will get you anywhere? I'm not sure why yo are fine with the idea of being the family slave but unless you are also fine with the idea of being homeless once their need for you is over you need to break this abusive cycle. I doubt reasonable asks are going to work, you will likely need to do as Barb advises and leave, the only way to force your family to find a new solution is if you are no longer in the picture.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I want you to look at it this way, Bravo. Mom, due to age and disability has other options and entitlements for care.

You don't.

When mom needed care with "everyday tasks", she could have hired help, gone to Assisted Living orca Board and Care home. Your brother, as POA should have been looped in on getting this done.

You have no one but yourself to rely upon for income and for retirement.

Get out and go back to work.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

How did your brother cancel your insurance and cell phone, unless they were really his insurance and cell phone? Your mom can always call Social Security and have the checks deposited back into her account. She could even cancel the POA if she wished.

Either way, just walk away. Your brother has POA, let him figure it out.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

You need to get out and get back on your own ASAP. You tell your mother and siblings you need to earn money to support yourself. Then you go out and find a job. Are you employable? That's just a straightforward question with no malice, and I ask because unfortunately there are many among us who are not employable due to mental/personality disorders, poor social skills, substance abuse, etc. Your siblings may view you as unemployable, and a leach and therefore stuck. I hope that's not the case, and I hope you can get a job and leave, because you're right, once she passes you likely will be out on the streets anyway
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I see from your profile that you are a son. I don't know what the rules about shelters for men in your area are, but my advice stand

Get out of this situation. This is NOT what your mom would want for you, daughter or son.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Inform the POA that you are leaving on December 1.

Find a women's shelter. Find a job.

You are volunteering for a life of misery and poverty. Please take back the ability to direct your life from your selfish siblings. You can't fight this level of dysfunction.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

There are no Laws Protecting Caregivers you are being screwed. You should demand a salary weekly from your Brother or let him Pay Private Caregivers . believe me act Now Or you will Be sitting on a Piss Pot with Out a Penny . You are Being Used and you will Suffer in the end. You should be getting $2500 a week . If he can't pay you that Hire a elder attorney and do a will and Have your Mother make you executor. The person doing all the Caretaking should have POA and Healthcare Proxy . He is elderly abusing your Mom and she can have Him removed as POA and the SS should be going Into her account Not his account - he can be reported to the social security office . You need to stick up for yourself - have the Mom remove the POA from him and she should Have her own checking account which you add your name On . Screw your brother . Dont be Used By these people . In the end you will be sorry .
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Absolutely not wrong to ask to be compensated for your time and effort.

Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
MargaretMcKen Nov 20, 2023
Never wrong to ask. Not necessarily justified to sue.
(1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter