Is it just the way it is with dementia that your loved one just torments you?

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I mean I dont hate my hubby. I hate what he has become? Hubby is impossible. Mean. Hateful. Demanding and always right. When I talk to him and he responds it is not 2 seconds before he says "I didnt say that. You are delusional." You are the one with dementia. They need to put you in a home." I basically just don't even try to talk to him anymore because it always ends up in an arguement. It wears me out. Am I wrong to just want this to be over? How can I always me wrong?

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DOA, dementia is one of the worst things to happen to a person. It's not that he really wants to be mean or nasty, it's just that he's scared when he thinks of what he's forgotten. The disease makes the person different and you have many good comments here that say to go on and live your life. Go out with friends, go to a movie, go out to eat with a friend, go do something while you can as long as a care giver is caring for your husband. If you have done everything you can in the way of medical needs, you shouldn't worry about doing something for yourself. Don't feel guilty for enjoying life. It will usually get worse toward the end. Once the organs start failing, spend as much time with him as you can. He only has you to hold onto. You're like a life cord that connects him to his past that he's slowly forgetting and it's scary. Think of it as just his way to blow off steam and don't take it personally if he says something hateful. He really doesn't mean it, he just trying to fight back the disease. when it really gets tough, make sure someone is there for him and go treat yourself to a day at the hairdresser or spa or massage. You need tending to as well as he. Good luck in this difficult time.
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My husband is not really mean, but does not know what cooperation means anymore. He is 93 and has dementia. Worse sometimes than others. Good times are good, bad ones...so frustrating. Remember it is not your fault! YOU are not to blame, tho at times can feel that way. It is wise to have a little help so you can have time to yourself. It is really hard to overlook harsh words, bad words, lack of love and cooperation by the one with dementia. And if you could fix it all I'm sure you would. There are things/people to help if you find out. And keep follow ups with your doctors. Very important!
All is a matter of time! Knowing when to let care go to others is also important. That is the hardest for me. I am a DO IT ALL person, thus others being in my home, just may not work. Have not done it yet, but in time all will need to change. I hope I am ready for it.
Take care of yourself!
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We are human and the result of our experiences and genetics. No one is alike and no matter how hard we try, when someone becomes a constant emotional drain on us it is hard to be cheerful or patient all the time. So we punish ourselves for our feelings, thinking we should be Mother Teresa, and absorbing the guilt of our personal feelings deep inside where it works on our bodies. I envy the person who can keep calm and tolerate so much with no ill effects. Life changes us. I might have been one of those endlessly patient people, had my life been different but my first 45 years were hard physically and emotionally exhausting. (divorce, single parent, not enough money for my kids, hyperactive needy child, loneliness) I finally got my self out of it, found a good man and have made good life, retired to enjoy what is left of it. Then my grown daughter constantly dumped her problems on me for ten years, keeping me in a state of emotional stress and worry over her and grandchildren. Its hard to turn off those feelings, especially at night - it takes its toll. I'm almost 70 and have some health problems. Life is short and we should be relatively stress free by now, fighting health issues and making the most of it. But, moving back near Mom 20 years ago, has pushed me into a stress level I don't have tolerance for any more. She was a loving mother and I was close to her as a child and young adult (from a distance of several hundred miles) I never saw her faults. She was my mom, there for me when I needed her.
The past 20 (especially the past 10) years she has been a drain on my patience, emotions and time - taking all and giving nothing back.
When we are young, we have the resiliance to cope with young children and life's stresses. The older we get (at least in my case) not so much. Dementia parents act much like children, but our relationship with our parents is different, knowing they will get worse and worse (and yes, more difficult, maybe meaner to us, demanding) and they will not grow up. We can't guide or teach them and have no control over them or what they do to us.
Deadonarrival: my response is no matter if they were a good or bad parent, the worst of what they have always been comes out in triple, but they can't help it. Intellectually, I know that, but it doesn't change my inner feelings of frustration, sadness, anger and dread and my hope that it will not continue too much longer. Dealing with the guilt (those feelings that my Christian upbringing tells me are bad and wrong) is the hard part.
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Wow, how lucky you all are. You had wonderful loving relationships for so many years until the disease took hold. Some of us have been abused and lived in fear our whole lives until the tormentor died.
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This question hit home for me today. We're only 6 months from my father-in-law being diagnosed, and it is breaking my heart how much his personality has changed. We had 25 years of a fantastic relationship and now he is constantly mad at me (I made the mistake of telling the doctor about his falls, and now he thinks I'm making it all up). I don't have any advice except to say watch any/all Teepa Snow videos you can find. I've watched clips on Youtube and bought one of her DVDs and it has helped me separate the disease from the man I used to know. Using some of her techniques I actually had a wonderful conversation with my FIL for the first time in months. He still thinks I'm part of a conspiracy to 'put him in a home' (so not true), but at least for an evening he was friendly and lovely to me again. Lots of love to you because I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have a spouse change on you like that.
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Thanks! Reading these posts has been very helpful. I've sent the link to my sisters. I will ask my father's provider about this medicine. He currently takes anit depressants, but they wear off too fast....and you never know when he is going to have a melt down. I finally, had a family wide conversation with outside family members and friends....they didn't understand what was happening to him.
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I am new to this as well but if you can get him to a memory specialist he can prescribe meds for him that will make him a new man. I am talking about Seroquel. It has done wonders for my husband. We were almost at the divorce state. I am saying this worked for HIM. It may not work for your DH but you have to try something because he can't help himself, he really can't. And don't argue with him. Whatever he says is the right thing. We are the ones that have to learn to bend.....lest we break. Hope this helps
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Hello, I'm new to this. I'm helping with the care of my father who is a stroke survivor. The dementia is progressing at a fast pace and these days he is very mean to my sisters and mom. He has not been aggressive to me and I'm the only one who can calm him down. It is very tiresome. We feel very isolated.
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My cousin was difficult to deal with in some of her stages, but she has mellowed some. So there is hope that things will change. I'm not sure if it's medication that makes her less anxious and depressed or that she feels safe where she is now, but she's much more content and pleasant. She does have her moments, but they are rare.

I will add that we have a family friend who is 89 years old has had severe dementia for quite a while. She is mobile and can still talk some, but isn't very communicative. She makes some statements and can answer some questions. Language seemed to the first to go for her. It happened after she barely survived a horrific car accident. She's never been the same.

However, our family friend is quite pleasant. She doesn't repeat things. She doesn't say mean things and is able to function pretty well with assistance. Her daughter lives with her and they do great together. They come and visit us regularly. She has delusions, but they are mild, such as she will tell her daughter they need to end their visit in order to go home and relieve her mother of child care duties. She thinks her kids are babies.

This lady was a delight and blessings to so many throughout her life and she still is, even with dementia. She and my special needs niece chat and have a grand tine together when they visit. They seem to understand each other.
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I have been on Dementia Highway for a long time. I did the computer thing researching everything I could find on his and my condition. I did the meds. In the end the dementia always wins. It is strange that one can not out maneuver a damaged mind with an undamaged mind rhen I realized dementia alters everything. I collasped hubby's family collected him and finances when I got sick. I was left homeless and seriously ill while hubby and family lived in a beautiful house putting me down and talking crap about how indept I was. I am healthy today and happy but there is a sadness inside. I do remember how he was and it was off the chart awesome. Loved hubby mire than I could ever understand. He touched my life mind and heart like no one had ever touched it before. I know ut sounds corn ball and stupid but there it is. I truly loved every little thing about him. The Good. The Bad. And even the Ugky. Even now although it hurts soooi much. I am glad. I will never feel that way again but as they say "We will always have Paris". I try not to remember because I miss him so much and he is already gone. The unresolved issues and the whys are a heavy load to carrry. Thank you guys soiiii much. Ir is not that misery lived company rather it is having simeone who understands what I am unable to explain. I was alone fir a long time. Thank you for beung here for me. I hope I can help you guys too. Just kniw rhar there are constant tears running down my face while U am trying to type out this response on a oh so little keyboard battling through the vusyal distraction. Peace. Grace. And Love to all of you. My gratitude fir your comments care can not be bound by measurements. R.
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