Is it too often to call my grandpa daily in a nursing home?

Hello Staceya,

I hope you are well, and that you are staying healthy during these trying times. We have been going through something similar with my mother. My mother had a fall and was hospitalized due to it, and because of her overall health. After a few weeks, she was moved to a care home that was not allowing visitors due to Covid. We would call her every day, but her phone would run out of battery, and the nurses had more pressing issues to tend to, but we still called them every day, to talk to her.

Especially regarding language issues, it is important for your grandfather to feel at home by hearing someone speak to him in a language he understands. I understand that nurses are understaffed, under-appreciated often, and underpaid indeed, however, I do not think you should feel bad for wanting to talk to grandpa daily. The emotional reward he gets from hearing a familiar language, and perhaps sometimes a familiar voice is a vital part of his life quality.

YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING! If you feel that grandpa benefits from the daily calls, try to talk to the people at the facility again? Maybe you can set up a particular time you can call where they would be better equipped to receive your call and facilitate the conversation?

I wish I had better advice, but we just kept at it, kept calling and insisted on taking care of my mothers emotional wellness through daily contact. These are strange times, and I hope that you get to some form of compromise with the care facility to where grandpa gets heard, and you get to communicate with him regularly.

Sending healing energy to grandpa, and strength to you.
You got this!

Any chance that you can send another charging cord with a large tag with grandpa's name on it?

I would speak to the director of the facility about the fact that these cords are going missing. Does grandpa know how to plug his phone in? Can you get him a simple charging pad or dock?

I don't think wanting to speak to him every day is at all unusual, given the circumstances.

Who is in charge of your grandpa's care? You or another family member?

Whichever person it is should make a formal request to the care home that a daily phone call is included in your grandfather's care plan. For example, in his lunchtime routine it could say "accompany Mr X to the booth and support him to call family."

It will be easier for the staff to do this as a routine task requiring a known length of time than for them to run and get him when you ring up.

You have not done anything wrong. The annoyance of the person who told you not to call so often was understandable - they're almost always overstretched - but not appropriate. If she has an issue with frequency of phone calls she should bring it up with her supervisor, and if it's really a problem the home's managers could ask all residents' families to limit their use of the phone booth.

The home has a duty to your grandfather to support his relationships with his family, and at the moment that's going to make telephone communication all the more important. Of COURSE we all have to make allowances for these terribly difficult times and be considerate, but that doesn't mean it's okay that they've failed to assist him with his cellphone and are now being snippy about calls to the booth. It is for THEM to sort this one out.

And actually.... yeah, it IS the staff's job to bring him the phone or wheel him to the booth! And what have they done about his chargers' going missing? [Misplaced, my foot. How do you misplace something that stays plugged into the wall socket?]

I don't suppose staff has time to look for missing chargers. Grrr. Would Grandpa be moving them? The watches, jewellery, dentures, hearing aides I would find in strange places, behind the CDs, in with the socks, with the toothbrush... Or quite likely, in the staff tearoom!

If Grandpa can recharge OK, can someone drop in another charger?

I agree it's important for his social.needs - especially considering the language barrier & no visit situation.

I am calling my Mum everyday too. She also finds herself in care in lockdown & confined to her room. I feel so bad for her without any visitors. She is hearing impaired & struggles with the different accents anyway & now cannot lipread due to the masks.

I agree that a regular time may make it easier on the staff.

Ask staff about Google translate too. It can be a lot of fun & helps so much. Just to say hello or ask how are you today? A small thing that is easy to do & would make him smile.

We bought my mom a Facebook Portal so we can video chat. Even with her demetia, so far at least she shas been able to answer. If he can still operate a phone ( my mom cant, plus she would also store chargers in weird places, and I couldnt go in and find them) they should be ok. It looks like a digital photo frame when not in use, and would just stay plugged in all the time. Its nice because you can also see their condition also.

I just set up a Facebook account for her for that purpose only and added friends and family only. I added a photo album to that account so that a slideshow of pics displays while not using it for talking. Occassionally she does unplug it, but we just call and an aide will plug it back in. That would be less work than wheeling him to a phone booth.

You have every right to check on your grandpa, but first thing I would do is discuss it with whoever is his POA in your family. The director of the hospital needs to be informed of this. They need to make a special effort for our elders, they can't see their loved ones physically, but they can at least try to make it better by helping them keep in touch with family. I know if I was in your shoes that is what I would do. Don't worry about bothering them, it is in the best interest of your dear grandpa. You are doing the right thing by showing you care. My brother was in the hospital recently for about 3 months, I called at least twice a day, once to his nurse and once to my brother directly. One day my brother was upset about his care and not doing well, I immediately asked to speak to the nurse on duty, no return phone call after a few hours and then I called the director. I got a call back from the nurse within a minute after the phone call to the director. No problems after that. We have to be advocates for our dear loved ones.

One of the worst emotions someone living in a care facility experiences is loneliness. I can imagine the loneliness your gpa feels. He's in a strange facility where he knows no one and no one speaks his language. You might suggest that someone in the facility learn to speak his language or you be allowed to call him daily. It might seem facetious, but that's what I would tell them. Most families don't call daily, according to the staff, because their LO can communicate with others in the facility... your gpa can't.

Does he have a dresser or other furniture in his room? You may want to somehow permanently attach another charger to that furniture, maybe with screws. He may not be able to tell you, but I'm sure he enjoys your calls. Keep it up.

You have every right to call your grandfather. I would talk to a higher up or the NH director about this. Because he communicates with another language, you should have the right to call him. It just burns me how NH's try to take over everything, including personal issues, with residents, yet they are neglectful about other things. It seems it is just a matter of being an inconvenience to THEM. Each resident should be treated with respect, and that includes the right to a daily phone call from family. Talk to a higher up, social worker, and the director of the home and state your case. I wish you all the best!!

I’d slap the nurse that told me not to contact my loved one daily.

Call as often as you like. That is your grandfather's home now and the staff are there to do things for him. They are getting paid to do that. My mom cannot answer the phone or call by herself any longer, and needs help. The staff don't always like it, but I insist they do it.

That’s horrible .. that you can’t talk to your LO ... I would speak to the director about this. .. actually think it’s abusive! Some staff are mean and uncaring and shouldn’t be working in care homes. .. so I would take matter further. I don’t understand why you can’t visit .. every home here is allowed up to 2 family members a half hour visit everyday !!! Check current regulations in your province/state under public health ... but definitely don’t let this stand !!!
it’s not their family that they’re isolating...
good luck !

Why does he have to use a cell phone, doesnt the nursing home have phones in the rooms?
If there are no phones then by all means go to the administrator and raise hell about them losing his chargers.
You have to be an advocate for anyone placed in a nursing home, otherwise their care will suffer
And call as much as you want, don't let them tell you not to call..
Good luck

And it is their job to bring LO the phone... chargers probably stolen

Who are they to tell you how often you can call your Grandpa. Hell no!! That made me mad, so no you are not overreacting. I agree with other post and would contact the administrator about phone charges and what you were told. During this stressful time your Grandpa needs that familiar voice of assurance.

No, the home he's in has staff who aren't capable of leaving a charger plugged into an outle. It's not that difficult. I bet they took both of them. Your grandpa deserves to hae at least one conversation a day in a language he understands. You might want to point out to the staff that you wouldn't NEED to call them if they'd leave the charger alone.

It is not too often to call him under these circumstances. It must be so difficult for him not to be able to communicate. Since he has dementia, communication aids that require reading are not going to be useful.

I am going to just hope that the nurse that told you that was having a really bad day. She is out of line and really not compassionate. Maybe you can ask if there is a time of day that might be easier for them because they are less busy but you should never be told you cannot call your LO.

Check and see if they have a phone line set up in his facility in his room. Some places have that option already and there is no charge. Where my FIL was, they had a phone jack in his room and all we needed to do was plug his phone in; it had a direct line and was free.

If there don't have that option, here is something that may help. My mother was in a facility and her cell phone broke. It was the kind with the sliding keyboard and they don't make them anymore. To put a landline in her room required getting a new line with AT&T that would cost more than $100 and high monthly fees, the cheapest we found was $50 a month as well so we did not want to do that.

Instead we got her a wireless home phone base pad. It is a little device that connects to cell towers like a telephone but it sits in one place and you connect a phone to it. We got her a normal looking landline phone; it has big numbers and also a place where we could pre-program numbers; each number has a spot to put a picture so all she had to do was look at the picture and press the button to be connect. True she does have to be in her room to answer but this has worked out really well.


I am having trouble putting links in so here are the details. I don't work for any of these companies or anything.
We got the phone base pad from Consumer Cellular. Just search under phones and devices; it is the only one they have. Currently on sale until end of Sept. for $25. Monthly fee is $15/month but you can sign up for AARP (well someone who is old enough at least) and get a little discount.

There are all kinds of phones like this on Amazon. The one we got had space for 3 pictures; but some have lots more. I would get one that will amplify calls as well. Price range varies.

You can cancel his cell phone service and just use this. We have had this for over a year and it is working fine. It is certainly not free but the cost is minimal and the other advantage is that because it is a landline phone, she had no problems using it.
Hopefully it helps.

The reason they don't want you to call daily is because
THEY first have to find the portable phone
THEY have to take the phone to him (or bring him to the phone)
THEY have to hang around until the call is over or THEY have to come get the phone when he is done.
Continue to make the calls. If possible let them know what time you will call so they can have him ready and the phone ready. Ask them when is a better time to call. Try to avoid early morning when they are getting residents up for the day, avoid meal times.

Is he on a first floor where you would have access to a window? Even if it is not a window in his room a hall or common area.

Staceya - I just went through a similar problem. My 92 year old Mom was in a nursing home for short term rehab after breaking her leg.

Due to some hearing impairment and the phone not being placed near her, many times she was unable to hear the phone ring in her room. Also, due to some dementia, she had difficulty using the phone. We were totally dependent upon staff to help her answer her phone.

After 3:00pm weekdays and all weekend it was next to impossible to get anyone to answer the phone. We were told they do not have a designated secretary on the wing to answer the phone; it was up to the aids to answer it. Apparently they couldn’t be bothered.

Many times when someone did answer the phone, we could hear the irritation in their voices that they had to go help someone with the phone.

A could of times the person answering the phone was irritated, and we were told “we have TOLD YOUR MOTHER that she has to answer her phone”.

They did not keep track of or care that she is hearing impaired and has some dementia.

It was a constant struggle to communicate with my Mom on the phone. (Rehab ended and she is now at a different facility. We are looking into other devices we might purchase to help facilitate communication.)

Ignore what that nurse told you and continue to call him as often as you would like. Especially during the pandemic, they have to facilitate communication between residents and loved ones.

It may become necessary for you to speak to someone with more authority or to the Ombudsman in your state for assistance. (Every state has an ombudsman to help when there are problems. The name of the ombudsman — or at least the number to call — should be in the paperwork you received when he was admitted to the facility.)

Hello
I m going through the same issue. Grandma is in SNF. Has no one left in California. I m the only close relative and I live in Australia and I signed up to be her RP.
I call everyday . Some nurses are great and some are dismissive so I choose my battles . I call after handover and that works when a different nurse is on. I have also figured out their Med pass time so I don’t call during that time .
There is a particular nurse who won’t even let me talk and says “there is no change!! She is doing fine. Seems like she gets annoyed . But she doesn’t realise that I am calling not to ask for change. I just want to talk to my grandma regardless of the facts that she doesn’t even know who I m most of the days . It’s hard and given Covid I can understand facilities are under a lot of pressure. But don’t give up. Just call at different times and see if that work . Hope this helps 🤗

California law says nursing homes must provide residents with a phone for phone calls.
I don't know where you are but I suggest contacting an ombudsman about this.

Hello Staceya,
The nursing homes prefer for families to not visit. It is less work and less chance to bring covid into the facility. We took my Mom to a nursing home a month ago due to her dementia getting worse, and due to the fact that we could not care for her at home anymore. It's been a painful month. Your desire to speak to grandpa is very normal.
My observation of the last month is that they try to deter is from calling and window-visiting because there is always not enough aids to help mom come to the window, or hold the phone for her so that we can speak with her. It's so much easier to keep them sitting in the wheelchairs. Be persistent. Don't give up. It's very hard work, daily. That's what I do. I don't know what else I can do.. Best wishes to you and your family.
Lucine

You’re very sweet to be calling and checking on your grandpa. It’s exactly what you should be doing and an alarm bell about the nursing home that they would discourage you. It’s well known that residents with involved family do better in care, and are also better cared for. I’d keep calling and also look into another placement for grandpa, one that appreciates family involvement. This does exist, we had it for my mother. I’m glad you care

ABSOLUTELY call your grandpa as often as you want! Do t allow a nurse to dictate how often you communicate with a loved one during a pandemic who doesn’t speak English! I’d go a step further and report the nurse go a supervisor, or contact a social worker to let them know what you were told. Ask for clarification about the rules for communicating. It does not matter what “other people” do!!! My father was in a dementia unit for 10 weeks prior to passing away, and I was there every day, sometimes twice a day, to visit him.
Heres an idea for the phone charger: get a long piece of wood and fasten the charger wire to it. Keep it plugged into the outlet and make sure the charging port/phone is resting on a night table. Paint or write his name and room# on the wood. It’s less likely to disappear if it’s cumbersome to move around, and it will be more like a “house phone”
And please, call grandpa as much as you want... and don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you can’t! I’d give anything to be able to talk to my dad again, but unfortunately, he died in February.

Tell them you have a right to call him every day, especially since noone speaks his language, you have to intercede for him if he has pain or not.

Tell them That you will be more than happy to visit instead if they will let you.

I would buy one more Cell Ph and tell the Nurse to attach it to something where it won't get lost.

You should also Face Time with him every day.

If no one can speak his language, that is awful especially considering this time with no visitors.

You should also have a camera installed in his room so you can watch what goes on.

Yes, please stop. The cords are missing because they can’t deal with this demand. Nursing homes are overwhelmed right now and are extremely short staffed. Are your parents involved at all? Please designate one person to be the voice for him. He needs care as they all do. The call is probably helping you but not necessarily him. I’m sorry this covid has dramatically changed the reality of what nursing homes/assisted can do. We are advocating for one persons per resident to to able to go into facilities to help LO. Caregiver for compromise because isolation kills. Is a fB group you will find tons of useful information there. Get your families involved phone calls aren’t best use of your time now.

You absolutely have a right to speak with your grandfather every day. I would recommend a dock or charging pad that stays plugged in, so there is no chance of "losing" the charger. I just brought my father home a few weeks ago, but when he was in a nursing home for rehab I spoke him as often as 10 times a day on his cell phone. He needed to stay connected to me and he was bored and miserable without our phone calls.

Bless you for taking the time to call your grandpa. More people should be doing the same. People DO do this. In fact, my sister and her husband physically visited his mother every day for several years when she was in assisted living, then nursing care. I sort of thought that they were going overboard, but kept my mouth shut because it was their business, not mine. Right now it is not possible to visit those in residential facilities, so those phone calls are really important. If it helps your grandpa, call him. It will be some comfort to you to know that you did your best for him after he passes. Your familiar voice will be a comfort to him and, as you pointed out, you can pass messages between the staff and your grandpa. As others have suggested, try to schedule convenient times with the staff. The staff should be obliging, but most facilities are understaffed and the remaining staff have a hard time getting all the work done. There is not a lot of time for doing favors for residents--though that may be one of their more important tasks, all things considered.

You might also try an internet search to see if there is a device that will secure a charger to something larger to discourage "borrowing." I once had a cable that plugged into the side of my computer, then went around the leg of a bed. To steal the computer, you would have had to dismantle the bed or take it too. You get the idea. Good luck to you.

Bless you for being the caring grandchild. I can imagine your close relationship and how your contact with your grandfather helps. My grandmother was in an out of state nursing home and I didn't get to help, visit or talk to her much at all...but when I did see her, one thing I will never forget, is that she sure as heck could feel love. And when I told her I loved her, in spite of the dementia, she told me she loved me too...I cherish that moment. So do not ever ever feel you are overreacting or being a problem for a staff. It's too bad if that is how they perceive family members being cut off from their loved ones. They may try to claim it's an exceptional time due to COVID 19. Then I say ADAPT to it. It would no doubt be hard to bring Grandpa home; obviously he's there for his well-being, but I am very afraid that what has happened during this health crisis has destroyed much of the remaining mental health of the residents/patients, I wonder how many are dying of broken hearts because they miss family or don't understand why they are not coming...I have compared this before to Katrina the hurricane...only after did government come to their senses and realize what had to change including that pets had to be allowed in shelters. For your particular situation I think someone else suggested asking when would be a good time to call...clearly they must know about his language issue and they should recognize that and I'm thinking there may be some sort of governmental requirement to meet that need. I would move up the ladder if you don't get an adequate response. Right up to the top administrator...and, in the meantime, see if your area has an Area Agency on Aging for advice, particularly a referral to the local Long Term Care Ombudsman who can advise you. In the end, if it is not resolved, your only choice will be to investigate other nursing homes and ask your questions prior to a potential move. I.e. if it will be problematic if you call daily....I'm not techie enough to know if there's a gadget that could connect you two as well...I bet you are...You are a blessing in his life...hold your ground:-) Hugs from another granddaughter in Cleveland...

Maybe you can explain very nicely to them the reason you need to speak with him daily and thank them profusely for being cooperative (if they are). If they cannot communicate with him, it should be obvious he needs someone who can. And imo any caring facility would certainly understand the need for more phone calls during the pandemic. I visit my husband in AL every other day and FaceTime him on the days I don’t. He’s nonverbal and he needs this daily routine. I felt bad at first because the employees were having to use their own phones, but they’ve been very nice about it. This is a smaller, privately owned facility. Good luck to you.

You need to talk to an administrator about the situation. How do they 'misplace' his phone cords? I mean, you plug it in to the wall and there it should stay. Not to mention that even if the cord is misplaced, most cords these days are interchangeable - if they lost it, replace it.

If there is no one there who speaks his language, how do they ask him anything? How do they check pain levels, find out if he's hungry, etc? Those are questions you need to be asking the administrator. The answer to that will be very interesting. They may say they call an interpreter when they need to talk to him, but you can bet if they are too busy to get him to a phone booth, they aren't spending time with interpreters either. More than likely, they just don't talk with him. This place doesn't sound like it is a very good fit for him. People without language barriers are neglected in these facilities even when you can go in - most do not hire enough staff. Patients w/no visitors, in normal times, have no one to be their voice and often medicated/diapered because it makes the job easier. You are annoying to them because they would prefer that you not ask them to do what they should already be doing. Continue to annoy.

You let them know that you will be talking with him daily due to his language barrier and because of his dementia. In fact, you prefer to talk to him several times a day. Even a day of not talking with that disease can mean the difference that he knows you today and may not in two days. If you can't reach him by phone, due to missing cord again, you will notify someone to have him at the phone booth at a designated time to coordinate this call. It is up to them to figure out a way to keep the cord in his room even if it means making it part of the nightly round to plug in cord/phone and allow it to charge while he sleeps. Perhaps a note on his door and over his bed would remind any staff member who enters to do this nightly.

Go buy another phone cord - a very long one - that ensures it can go to wall and where ever he sits to use the phone. And put his name/room number on the cord in several places along the cord. Use tape/label to create some name tags.