Is it terrible that I'm not visiting my mother for Thanksgiving? (What about the guilt trip I'm getting from her for it)?

Your mom may not be able to process or understand what you are dealing with. I'd try to not let it get to you. The facility will have a nice celebration for the residents and she will be fine.

I would not insist that anyone come to visit me in 8 degree weather and where they have to walk a long distance. That's just too brutal. So, that tells me, that mother is not seeing things clearly.

I might make a mental list of all that you do and what is reasonable under the circumstances. Accept that you can't always please everyone, but, keep in mind that you have to set reasonable boundaries and be at peace with yourself. You are not a slave to others.

Plus, if you're not feeling well, you need rest and not going back into a facility where you might carry a bug to seniors.

You have set a boundary and your Mum is pushing back. Stay strong, do not acknowledge her voicemail. If she calls again, wish her a Happy Thanksgiving and hang up if she starts ranting.

If you had just told her you were not feeling well and would not be there tomorrow as you need to day to rest and do not want to risk her getting ill, that would have been enough. By going into detail about weather and parking you gave her ammunition to attack.

You are allowed to tell her you will not listen to her abuse. You are allowed to delete voicemail when it is nasty without listening to all of it. You are allowed to hang up the phone, walk away etc, when she is mean.

You do not have to be at her beck and call. If you were dead, lived in another city, state, country etc, she would have to manage. If she runs out of something and it is not a day you planned to visit or shop, then she can wait or make other arrangements. You are not a slave to her 'needs'.

Keep up setting healthy boundaries. You will get push back, that is to be expected, but it will be worth your staying strong. It took 12 years of no contact with my father, for him to understand that I will not accept his crap. Dad acted up this summer and I reminded him that I would walk and never see him again. 3 years with my mother, after she betrayed my trust for the last time.

PS it also took me 3 years of intense therapy to recover from decades of abuse.

I can only sympathize. I faced exactly the same kinds of guilt trips from my own mother whenever we tried to celebrate a holiday without her. I always had to ask our hostess if I could bring Mum too. Not a nice situation to be put in. One year we even had our dinner at a friends house before visiting which she knew in advance and she still had dinner on the table when we got there.
Stick to your guns and stay home. you don't feel well and there is no sense in walking around in that kind of cold. A hot toddy and warm blanket is my recommendation. If you feel really guilty send mom some flowers.

Your mother was disappointed. Then she sat there for a few hours, ruminating on what you said about why you'd decided against coming. To the objective observer you gave perfectly sound - nay, very sensible - reasons: you're not feeling on good form, the weather is atrocious, and once you get there it's going to be a heck of a game finding anywhere remotely near her to park. But to your mother, after a few hours' chewing, they weren't good reasons, they were "feeble excuses" and the *real* reason was that you don't care to spend the holiday with her. You're leaving her all alone - in a cold, gloomy room, staring at the bare dining table, with nothing but the television to remind her of happy times gone by, while you gad about making merry in some way she disapproves of. Probably involving cocktails, and questionable company. Oh woe. Nobody cares...

It isn't that she wants to make you feel bad. *She* is the one who feels bad - disappointed and hurt. Hence the bitter accusations in her nasty voicemail.

I do not mean that you should change your mind, take it all back, and walk barefoot to her house. Not at all. But rather than ring her up (I know you wouldn't do this anyway) and accuse her in return of spiteful ingratitude, acknowledge her disappointment and point out something else that she has got to look forward to to cheer her up again. Who will she have her TG dinner with? If nobody, what's next on the entertainments schedule?

If it doesn't work and she's still in a grump, never mind. You've done your best, you're in the right, and if she insists on sulking... just let her.

You can always call her tomorrow and tell you are still sick, and the home will not let you visit while you are.. vomiting, have a fever.. whatever it takes to give you a day off to recover. And then relax and enjoy your day.. and don't pick up the phone after that!

Prehaps you could call her and talk to her for maybe 30 mins to hour. But you shouldn't feel guilty for not feeling well and it is to cold out.

Just a thought; the next time you go see her take her a small gift. I don't know if that will help, but worth a shot.

Hope you feel better & stay warm.

We all get disappointed sometime. And you know what, most of us don't have someone else who will tie themselves in knots to make sure we won;t feel disappointed. We all have to figure out a way to deal with it. Let her be mad. She will either get over it or die mad. Nothing you can do about that.

I've always had my parents over for Christmas eve and they would sleep over. Mom died in 2003 but Dad still did this. He is 91 one now and a lot of work. It is a job just having him over. He can barely make it up the two steps to get into my house so he would never get up a flight of stairs to the bedroom. I decided last year that he would only come over on Christmas day. Well you'd think the world was coming to an end. There was no way I could go through all the work to pick him up, wrangle him out of his AL room and into a car then take three of us just to get him into my house only to have to run him back there later and repeat early the next morning. How is this an enjoyable holiday for me if I exhaust myself catering to him.

This year I am concerned about him blowing through his money so I said maybe he should pass on giving Christmas gifts or at least cut back. He made the comment to me several times one day about how he wasn't sure we would want him there at Christmas if he wasn't giving gifts. I found it highly insulting he would say such a thing but I kept my mouth shut. Finally after the tenth time I just agreed with him.

My point is that when your mom said "well I guess I will just be alone that day", you should have said "yes it appears that way" and move on. She wants you to feel bad. You don't need to feel bad for doing something YOU want. She had other options, she just chooses not to do them. That is not on you. Hope you had a good trip.

You know she's guilting you Tiger.  You need to say a prayer and let it go.  Take care of yourself, precious one.  💙

You have to get in the mind set that it is OK for you to do something that YOU want to do. Her wants/needs shouldn't always come before yours. I think that is where the caregiver gets bogged down in. They think they can't do anything for themselves until the elder is completely satisfied. Has anyone here ever know an elder that was completely satisfied and happy? It just doesn't happen. The minute your focus is taken off of them they are unhappy again.

You do what you can and that will have to be enough. I moved my father to a smaller apartment last week. I was there Monday afternoon and Tuesday afternoon. My normal visit is a quick one every 3-4 weeks and here I was there two days in a row for several hours at a time. His parting words to me on Tuesday were "you'll be back here tomorrow right?". You give an inch and they want a mile.

You try and help your mom out but not at the expense of your own life.

OP - guilt trip. Been there.

If I even hint at a visit then he expects me there. No consideration of any outside influences. Come hell or high water I have to meet his needs.

I used to invite my Dad to our house for Xmas day. 30 mins drive each way so 1 hour round trip, then same again to take him home. He'd want collecting at 9am, I'd say no let me see the kids open the presents and he'd moan. When he got to our house, he'd expect my full attention. If I went off for 5 mins to play with the kids he'd sulk.

I'm not a drinker really but he'd say "You don;t mind picking me up do you and not having a drink, do you? You can have one later". Thanks for making that decision for me Dad.

He got ruder and ruder. Upset my family with his comments (he can't keep his opinions about things that are none of his business to himself). One year he criticised that we'd spent too much money on the kids.

Two years ago, he was convinced he was ill (he wasn't that bad and his doctor, hospital, various ambulance crew had told him so over the last few weeks). Played up totally when he came to us. It was obvious he was play acting. Then when I took him home - kept me there for hours threatening to call an ambulance because he felt like he wouldn't last the night - saw my 3 year old for about 2 hours that xmas day. (With hindsight I should have left him to get on with it).

So in the end I thought thats it. Brother lives a mile from him - I'd done this for 10-15 years every year. No more. He can come boxing day now and thats it.

I went to CA to visit my daughter and family for Thanksgiving and had a great time despite my mother’s belly aching that she would be alone for the holiday. She is always invited to go to my brother’s in-laws but doesn’t “like them.” She is notoriously sarcastic and couldn’t refrain from telling me after the fact “I hope you had a good Thanksgiving” inferring that she did not - to which I simply said “thank you”.

Maybe it's different for me but my mom had 7 kids. We didn't have much but I didn't realize it until I was older. I think I didn't know mom's struggles because we had the things that were most important. We had her undieing, unconditional, love. She sacrificed a lot for us and did without. She would have given or risked her life for us in a heartbeat. I watched her clothes being ripped from her body by people trying to keep her from going back into our house engulfed with flames where my 8 year old sister was left behind sleeping. I would do anything for my mom because I wanted to show her the same love and kindness that she showed me. When my dad passed she was lonely but luckily there were enough of us to see that she wasn't alone to much and it didn't weigh on one person. We were all glad to be with her. I was blessed to spend the last two weeks if her life with here. I had a recliner in her room and I didn't leave her side.. Just like she sat with me when I was sick, or afraid, or for whatever I needed her for. They are not here forever so do what you can while they are here. She left peacefully in 2010. Surrounded by people who loved her. She could do little things that could get to me but I would give anything to be able to spend one more day with her. I miss her so much.

lkdrymom and Paulfoel223, I DID day ' maybe' it's different for me. She really did not say that she was an only child, that's why I mentioned that we shared responsibility. IF she has siblings I was thinking maybe she could share her feelings and ask for their help. And she mentioned a couple of incidents that upset her. She did not say that her mother was always like this. My mom said things she would never have said before she grew older and ill. But I knew that it was all apart of her condition. It did not erase the memories of the wonderful mom she had been for over 50 years. I just saying, do what you can while they are here because once they are gone you have that peace knowing you DID do what you could. Instead of wrestling with feelings of guilt about something it's to late to change. Not that she is wrong but just the fact that her mom tried to make her feel guilty ( and she shouldn't) , those words may mess with her head later and who needs to deal with any extra emotions..

Tiger55 you sound like a saint! You've provided real genuine care for a mother
who abused you and still complains and guilt trips you. Wow.

Send a card or flowers for a holiday event if you can't attend and really feel like
marking the holiday for them. One thing that strikes me, is that abusive selfish
elders really don't care how their demands affect their adult children. Or how
the stress damages their adult children's relationships, finances, or health.
Something to keep in mind when sacrificing for people who burdened us in childhood and wish to do so again when many of us are struggling to prepare for retirement.

Another thing to remember as well. Many selfish or abusive elders will never be
satisfied regardless of our efforts. I remember once spending weeks living in a
roach motel to be there for my father's heart operation. He had a couple of
grifter friends show up for brief chats. And that's what he remembered. Not my
countless hours of help. Out of 2 weeks of 24/7 on call, by his bedside efforts,
he turned a 2 hour trip to the park, into me having a "nice vacation". Yep, living
at a hospital--better than the Bahamas don't you know.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Plan accordingly.

My answer is late for Thanksgiving, but NO!!! Never feel like you have to explain yourself.... YOU are important to as are YOUR needs and wants!!!!