Hi everybody, my 88-year-old mom lives about a 6-hour drive from me and has refused to start the process to find a senior facility close to my home. Understandably she wants to stay in her own house. Caregivers come in to her house to help her every weekday. But she's frail and fell last week and suffered a minor leg fracture. She's stuck in rehab for a few weeks at least. I've been staying at her house the week since her accident to provide support and frequent visits, but she thinks it's terrible that I am going to my home for a while and leaving her in rehab without me being close by. I'm currently unemployed but have a relationship and my own appointments where I live. I will try to come back soon but it's a $200 gas bill for the round trip for me.
I'm an only child, recently divorced, with no kids at home. Am I a bad son for not wanting to stay at her place the entire time?
Thanks for your thoughts.
She feels scared of her future, with you far away.
If it was me, I'd probably go ahead and stay at her home until her rehab stay ends, and help with any arrangements for her future care needs. Yes, I think that is reasonable, but I don't think you're a bad son for not wanting to stay there. You're feeling there's nothing you can do right now, and you want to go home. That is also reasonable.
Don't expect her to return home from rehab in the same condition as she was before her fall accident. She will likely be even more frail, and will continue to have mobility issues, and will fall again. This is a good time to consider what care she will need moving forward. She may try living at home with caregivers, as she wants, until she falls again. If she is open to the idea, it is probably a good time to check out assisted living facilities, or even skilled nursing. I don't think assisted living is going to be enough help for her if she is weak and falling.
At the very least, buy mobility aids for her to use at home; such as wheelchair, or walker. Also a portable commode chair, if she has difficulty accessing the facilities in the bathroom.
Like I said, if it was me, I would just stay there a little longer, because I wouldn't want to make that long round-trip drive again soon. But you have a life, appointments, relationship, and your own home you are missing. No need to feel guilty.
you are not a bad son, go home and live your life. She can move near to you. Very few get all we want in life.
You spoke about how strong her social network is in her current location; frankly, that could be of more support and pleasure to her than being closer to family. If you have the time to do it, I'd suggest vetting a few AL facilities in both locations, find what looks like the best fit for your mom in each, and then put it in her hands along with the explanation that you won't be visiting daily regardless of where SHE DECIDES to move :)
She should be in assisted living if she can't get around without falling. Don't ruin your life or happiness.
When she returns home, you can reassess what she needs and how much of that you are able or willing to do.
When she returns home, you
You must decide what you can and wish to do for her, and what the limits are, since nothing will be enough from her point of view. Stop expecting her to say “thanks, you have done more than enough” or “please go back to your own life, I’m managing fine here” as she probably never will. You don’t need her permission or approval. This isn’t about whether she loves you.
This holds true if she stays in her current area or relocates to a facility near you. YOU are going to have to decide what is reasonable for you in terms of calls, visits, errands, and all the rest. Perhaps one short call per day and one visit every 1, 2, or 4 weeks. Whatever you decide, just calmly explain it and stick to it. Don’t apologize. And don’t expect her to be happy about it.
If you have a life please return to it. This is the best time to do that while she is in care. Don't expect her to be happy about it. The end of life isn't about happiness and as an 83 year old I assure you of that. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You ARE responsible for your OWN happiness and that of your primary relationship.
The best time to save up for a visit is when Mom returns home and you can be there to set up her home going situation (IF homegoing is a possibility; if she requires 24/7 care that will, unless wealthy, be a problem).
Be gentle. Be firm. Expect tears and/or rage. She's very frightened and vulnerable now. Recognize that, and tell her you love her, but let her know your own life cannot be sacrificed to her.
Your Mom will hopefully enjoy being near her grandkids. Maybe get them to send videos of them asking her to move closer. If you can't get her to agree to move, then you will inform her that she will need to hire more aids since a 6-hr drive is totally not doable and you will go see her once or twice a year. You're not her husband.
Maybe you could use a session or more with a therapist to work on finding and defending boundaries with her. The boundaries are for you, not her. She won't respect them so you'll need to always defend them.
It's the first step to a plunge into disaster; I think you rightly recognize that. Don't take that step.
However, this should cause you to consider whether you actually should have her move closer to you. Is she going to be this inconsiderate, demanding, and guilt-tripping of you if you are nearby? If so maybe it's best to let her stay in her own home with the caregivers.
Does she have friends, a community, a social life, at her home? If so, having her give those up to move closer may make her overly dependent on you for her social life along with her logistical needs. Consider whether a senior facility in her home area would be the best option, when she is ready to go.
The theory behind having her move close to me is so I could visit her much more often, and she could see her grandkids when they visit mom and dad (we're divorced but live in close proximity). But I do feel like whatever I do, it won't be enough for her. And if she's unhappy with her situation after moving near me, I know she will blame me constantly, e.g., "I never should have let you talk me into this" is guaranteed.
Unfortunately I tend to be easily manipulated with guilt, something my narcissistic ex-wife used to her great advantage.
My mom does make friends easily and has a fair amount that visit her at her home. She's been pretty active, riding the senior transportation van with her walker frequently as she goes to Walmart and other places. She loves her church and has a lot of support there. So she'd be giving all that up and starting over if she moved. So I have considered that staying near her home her might be the best option.
Wherever she goes, I'd prefer it be her decision if possible. I don't think she can continue to live alone, even with caregivers, much longer. Her accident occurred when she let go of her walker to try to get something out of the fridge and lost her balance. With her severe osteoporosis, it was enough to cause a minor fracture.
She has good support from the state social services people that coordinate her caregivers. So they're coming to re-evaluate my mom's living situation after she gets home and tell us what they think.