Is it really all in my head? Am I crazy or has my 86 year old mother done damage to me emotionally? Am I "too sensitive?" (her words)

Your post describes a psychologically abusive situation. Your mother will never change her behaviors, and knows exactly what she is doing. It's not "all in your head." You are NOT "too sensitive"

I'll mention this 1,000 times, to get you to understand it's not your fault: your post describes a psychologically manipulation situation, where the mother abuses one and only one scapegoat (adult)child, whilst hiding that covert abuse from everyone else. That type of mother loves triangulating siblings against each other. Pitting siblings against each other in the same way that a 14 year-old pack-leader does with the pack of mean girls ... to gang-up against one group member.

Unfortunately, as you wrote, you will never get anywhere "pleading," with your mother, At this point you must google abusive mother to learn more, and grab at least two old fashioned books, titled:
1). Emotional blackmail by Susan Forward ... and
2). Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

My background is in counseling, which is why I cannot label anything more specific than generalized psychological manipulative abuse. As mentioned your post describes a situation that has you placed in a scapegoat role.

You are NOT "too sensitive," Those words are among a list of typical responses abusive asshats utilize as their standard replies, to shame their abused targets/victims/scapegoats as being "too sensitive." That's how abusive asshats get their victims to think it's the victim's fault, which in turn trains victims into thinking that the victims have control over the situation. When, instead the victim is being manipulated/guilted/conned to stay within the abuse cycle.

Tell your mother NOTHING about what you learn online. Most likely your siblings have been told their entire lives that you're the problem. Psychologically abusive mothers work hard to present a perfect image, so be careful.

And when you find information online don't tell your siblings anything about what you learn, usually siblings have very different experiences within a psychologically abusive dynamic. Your mother chooses to abuse.

Psychologically manipulative mothers have decades of manipulation experience portraying you as the problem, so it's best to learn everything possible, in silence. Sorry, "confronting," your mother will only hurt you further.

She will evict you from her life, if she feels that you're resisting her abuse. Manipulative people hate boundaries.

You're likely in a catch-22 situation. As soon as a scapegoat learns that the abuse is deliberate, that's when shock and whys, kick into high gear. Sorry, that you're in a bad situation.

Remember it's not your fault, abusive dynamics are carefully manipulated by abusive asshats.

Please read, then read it again, the answer from screennamed!!!! You are NOT too sensitive and it NOT all in your head. Please heed her words carefully....i will be thinking of you and hope you can find a way out of your mothers house and live YOUR life YOUR way. Will it be easy? Heck no, but you can be happy!! Love and blessings....Liz

You are not too sensitive nor is it all in your head! Your mother is emotionally abusing you. My own mother emotionally abused me to and my dad and brother never saw it. My mother played my brother and me against each other and my brother still doesn't believe it. In fact, people think I have a great and loving mom because they never saw her for what she really is...a hateful jealous back stabber two-face...

Screenname is right. Do you realize that this is your mothers doing not yours. There is nothing wrong with you. It is your mother...she is damage. I wish I knew why or how a mother could do this to their child. It is mine blowing!!

Stay on this forum even if you don't post (just read) because their is a lot of us who's mothers were mean, emotionally and psychologically abusive. You are not alone! I know you feel very alone, but your not! We are hear for you and there are some really smart people on here when it comes to this subject. I have learned so much about myself, my mother and our relationship. I know your hurt but you can heal from this...I know it doesn't feel that way. You just need to repeat to yourself that it's not you it your mother. Your mother will never change and she will never see your side of things, but she doesn't have to for you to heal. You just need to see it!

My heart breaks for you...I know your pain all to well!

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!💜

I think you have more than two choices. You can choose to set boundaries with your mother and doing so doesn’t require you to be mean to her. Setting boundaries starts with self respect and self love. We allow people to treat us badly. We can control ourselves and not treat others badly. You can choose to love yourself radically which makes you resilient and less likely to react to the words and actions of others. You can choose to respond to life rather to react to it. Reacting is what seems to others as sensitivity. You can choose to see a multitude of other choices available to you that don’t require you to be stuck in old patterns.

I am going to move you up! So you can get more replies.

Another thought.... how has this abusive and chaotic situation effected your two children???

You say you have ‘been in therapy for many years’. It doesn’t seem to have helped with your problems. Perhaps it might help to change therapists and start again, with the knowledge you now have that your mother is abusive and manipulative. Or stop paying for therapy, put the money into a ‘move out’ fund, and try reading about your problems. A good librarian can probably point you in a good direction.

Hi Itsallinmyhead,,, It seems to me that you two are fighting with each other. Probably both of you areto blame for the problems in the house/ you both even be very similar to each other..... so my suggestion is to ask your siblings if your Mum could stay with them for a week or two, so you can have a break from her..

You have a sensitive nature but that is not a bad thing. I looked this up on a psychology website for you and they had the exact words I wanted to say to you:

"I’ve long believed that “you’re too sensitive” is what people say when they’ve said or done something unkind and want you to believe that they haven’t. I’ve considered it a form of gaslighting. Still, when you hear something often enough, you eventually consider the possibility that it might be true."

It is not likely that you are "too sensitive" or "overly sensitive".
But if you are, one way to get over that is to care much less about what your Mother thinks about you.

Can you provide some more details about why you "CANNOT ever leave financially"? Can your mother still live independently? Because if she can, now is the time to get out.

What is this doing to your teenaged children?

Does your mother tell you things that never happened, and make you think YOU are the one who isn't interpreting things correctly? This is called gaslighting.

Please tell us more...

Wow! These answers are all great! I would like to add a few things. I'm 64. Most of my life I have dealt with people who called me "too sensitive". My mother took advantage of me in some of the ways you are describing. Although she has long since passed away, I still learn from that relationship. Many of the relationships I have formed in adulthood were similar to the one I had with her. Makes sense. "Mom" is the relationship we know best. I have had numerous relationships that repeated some of those abusive tactics, even ones that I did not enter into voluntarily, such as at work. That is because people who need to take power from others are very good at recognizing sensitive people and exploiting them. This is the dynamic that has played out in your family. Mom's attempts at taking power from her children were not noticed by your siblings, but you have to ability to recognize them. As a child, you didn't have a choice but to let Mom take power from you. As an adult now, you can choose differently. I'm going to make 3 suggestions. The first is to become educated about the types of tactics that she might be using. Two good, free resources on Youtube are "Dr. Ramani" and "Les Carter". These tactics have names. Gaslighting is just one. There are many more. Then, when you start to be able to recognize and name the tactics, you can start to notice how you react to them. Do you cry? Do you get angry back? What can you change about your reaction? This is a good thing to discuss with your counselor...or to journal, perhaps. Finally, you have to build up your own inner self. Being sensitive is actually a gift. Its a superpower. You notice and feel more than others. You are more aware. These tactics used by your Mom to control you do not have to control you. But you do have to have a way to transform them. Do you have a religion? or spiritual beliefs? What is your source of strength? Personally, I like the Heartmath techniques. You can learn these from their website. They strengthen the inner core of your being. This is what you will need. When you can recognize Mom's tactics and know how they affect you, your inner strength will allow you to, not resist Mom, but to let her tactics roll off of you. You are then in a position where you can choose to respond to her differently. Your siblings are right that she cannot change. But you can! Give yourself time and forgive yourself when you fail--because you will at times. This relationship has been this way, oh, only your whole life! Its a journey! Best wishes to you and I hope this was helpful.

My mother physically abused my dad and when he left for business trips, she was the same (beat me and gave me black eyes, etc) towards me. She always told me that she hated me because I look and act like him (He is a wonderful person). After years of self hatred and pretending that she was a good mom, I detached and have not visited her in 1 year.

My brother is clergy is in denial of everything. You have got to get out of there. I don’t know why your therapist is not helping you to become independent from your mother. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of her.

If you have no $$, look for employment & call the county/city where you live and get on a Section 8 housing list & get assistance. The situation is not good for your children either. I hope all goes well with you.

Its probably not in your head! My own mother is 88 and she still complains about the things her mother said to her when she was a child!! Sometimes I think "get over it already", but clearly it has affected her. I find myself resentful as well about things she has said or done to me, so I get it!

I'm not seeing the more detailed info.

Yes, classic gaslighting. The sickest trick in the book. She has the problem not you.
I hope you find some peace while dealing with this situation. Maybe you can't physically get away from her now, but you can draw some boundaries in your mind.
One of my issues when dealing with my Mom was to stop engaging with her.
Stay here with us. There are varying degrees of the same unhealthy relationships for most of us. Stay safe and hugs!

I feel sad when I read that '"confronting" your mother will only hurt you further', as I fear it is true but find it hard to square that with 'setting boundaries'. In my experience (57 years of a manipulative mother who scapegoats me), trying to set boundaries on how much we would do for her just ended up with her saying she 'wished she could die if my husband wouldn't take her shopping any more'. (He is the current golden child, which causes tension between us as he doesn't experience her as abusive in the way I do and likes to please her.)

I too have often been told I am oversensitive because I still react in the programmed way when my mother belittles/tries to control me. I am having counselling at the moment but am not hopeful that I can change ways of feeling and reacting that have lasted this long. One of my mum's worst tactics is to moan about/criticize someone I care about till I feel forced to defend them, and then turn on me for being upset. This drives me crazy, and I am trying so hard not to fall into the same old trap.

Until I joined forums like this I thought it was all my fault, that I am a bad person, never good enough, etc. etc. It has been sad but comforting to find there are so many of us out there, carrying the scars of mistreatment by unloving mothers. So, basically, no you're not imagining it and you're not oversensitive and, yes, your mother has most likely damaged you. I hope and pray you will learn ways of dealing with it that bring you peace.

Peekachu has great advice.
My first thought is you have to get away, out of the environment. You can not bring your children up in the same way you were.
This is a bad time to look for places to live but you can get started. Apply for jobs, many places are hiring and most are very flexible with hours as well.
If your therapist has not suggested moving and getting away from your mother I would be surprised.
A move would be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your children.

2 things to consider.

1 - Your mother is not going to change. She is entitled to her opinion and may never be helpful, kind, or understanding. Start realizing this truth and find ways to deal with it while you live with her. I am NOT, NEVER saying that you are not hurting or do not need help. Good for you to seek counselling and help in overcoming an abusive relationship.

2 - Your mother is going to eventually pass away. At 88, it could be today or many years down the road. What will you do when she passes? Where and how will you live? Spend a little more time on preparing to live without her. Whether you go to work (I am 58 and looking for a job now) or can live on savings/retirement, figure out that budget. Make those plans and act on them.

She could be a narcissist. If so it won’t end. My mother is 93 and end of life. Severe dementia. Rather than have her die alone, we started hospice at home with health care aids. She has verbally abused me my entire life. She seemed to no longer recognize anyone. She’s refusing food and drink but I gave her a sip of ice tea. She opened her mouth mid drink and dribbled it down her cheek. She turned her head, looked me straight in the eye , and said “ See what you did?!” Both the aide and I had to laugh. Once a narcissist always a narcissist lol
if you can’t escape realize it’s not you it’s her. She won’t change but you can change how she controls you. Don’t allow her to see it hurts you, don’t retaliate , just look at her like she’s nuts and walk away. They want to get a rise out of you to make themselves feel better, more superior. Don’t play their game. If they realize it’s not working it’s not fun for them

It’s amazing how someone who is sickly and frail could still maintain such power and control over another person, and inflict such damage upon their soul...

Hugs to all who are enduring such daily turmoil, anguish, and heartache...

You are 54 yrs old living with your mother, in her house, even if your childhood may have been a rocky one. When are you going to come to the realization that you are and adult and has been for quite sometime making your own decisions. Maybe, it's time to put away childish things and take responsibility for your life. It is easy to put the blame on others. The only was your mother actions are affecting you now is you are allowing it. What is your pay-off. You choose now how to interact with her.

I have a somewhat similar situation, but my issues are with my dad, I wasn’t close to my mom either but at least she wasn’t mean like he is. I’m an only child and 5 years ago when my parents were 92yr I was convinced by many family and friends that since my parents won’t move out of their home I should move in with them to help out a little bit and keep an eye on them (I did not move in as their ‘caregiver’). A little back story – I got married when I was 18yr to the first person that asked me so I could get out of this house. 10 months after moving in my mother passed so the past 4 years I’ve been alone in this house with my dad. In the beginning we fought often because my mother wasn’t around anymore to get in the middle and handle him. I would get so frustrated after the fights more with myself than him because I know the outcome is always with him ‘winning’ and he’d never understand or take in to consideration someone else’s opinion. I finally decided to try to let it all go and I found a quote that might help you – “Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective. Because if not, there’s absolutely no point.” I hate to tell you this, but your siblings are right, your mom (and my dad) are not going to change. When I finally came to terms with this and decided to ignore his ranting and raving and stop trying to explain my side of things, I have felt a little calmer inside. Of course, this doesn’t work all the time and there are days I still explode. I wish I could say something that would help you feel better and I’m thinking your situation is much more draining than mine since you also have teenagers to deal with. Also, if you haven’t yet, google what the signs of a narcissist is. I bet you find out what I did, my dad had many of the characteristics of a narcissist. It doesn’t help the situation but at least it helped me realize everything isn’t always my fault.

I am worried about the impact of this situation on your children. If they are teens, now, they have lived in this toxic environment for more than 1/2 their lives.

You say you "CANNOT ever leave financially and I tried so hard to get out" There always are options. But I am guessing in your case the option of staying in a toxic home is more comfortable than moving your children into a shelter or subsidized housing.

Your mother is not going to change. So that leaves it up to you to change. One of the changes you really can do is move out. Maybe not now during Covid, but yes, you can move out of your mother's house. It is not impossible. It may not be easy, but it is not impossible,

Your siblings will not see what you see as they have their own experience with their mother.

Why are there so many mothers scapegoating their daughters? Are they simply some of the garden-variety sociopaths out there and we're easy targets? I realize the helping profession has learned a lot in recent decades,
but, oh, how I wish I'd been told about this when I was younger, when I went for help and was told there was "nothing wrong with you, you just need to get married [true!] and, sorry, I can't talk about your mother because I've not worked with her." I went through hell most of my life trying to make peace with my mother. No matter what, she'd find ways to sucker-punch me, while, of course, portraying herself to others (my brother and his family, incl) as the model loving Christian parent. And then (toward the end, unfortunately), I learned in a conversation with one of her bridge club friends that she'd been touting my professional accomplishments as if they were her own behind my back while she completely ignored them or denigrated them to my face. It felt like rape. Twice I insisted on family counseling--my brother refused to attend and mother was "like stone" (the counselor).
My advice is to get as far away as possible from your mother as soon as possible. SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE. A year before my mother passed I walked out on her and have never regretted it. My only profound regret is not having done it long before. So much of my life would've been better if I had. You owe her NOTHING!

I have one question about the "years" of therapy- is there one subject or theme that pops up over and over. Maybe that's a clue or an answer. The other is- I know some of you have heard me say this before- CoDependants Anonymous is a 12-Step program that will help you untangle your awful, old family dysfunction and begin to make sense of where it went wrong. You'll make friends and stop feeling alone. There are meetings online and phone meetings. CoDA.org.

Good luck.
Betsey P.

Why can't you leave? People do start over. Maybe not at the same level they were accustomed to, but at a lower level and work your way up. Do you get child support? That would be some money to put towards rent or money you could have been saving for the past 9 years to get out. I think you need to ask yourself why you stay in a place that makes you so unhappy. List all of the reason that you stay. Then make a list of what you could do to overcome reasons you stay.

I cannot say you are 'too sensitive or it's all in your head" since we don't know what the reference is. With too much time on your hands, I can completely see where the brain would overreact to certain situations and create more sadness or depression. If you are not working outside the home, then try to find employment. Start small if you have to and get a few hours a day. It may help you to occupy your mind with other things. get you moving (being sedentary can also increase depression), and communicating with others. As you increase hours and income you may find that your goal to be on your own can be realized - IF, IF - you really want it.

Mom's way of dealing things may have always been to suck it up and move on. Your way may have been to dwell on things you cannot change. Both of you can change, but you changing her is not likely. You can only change yourself. She is the only person to do work on her own behaviors. So look within. What do you want and what are you willing to do to get there?

Just the fact that she says it’s all in your head, or suck it up shows her true character . Even if she thinks thT there are much gentler ways of communicating. I feel for you. Depression sucks.

First of all, the very first thing my therapist told me was, “There is no right or wrong way to feel. Acknowledge how you feel. Let’s look at this together to work on solutions.”

These words from my therapist helped me because I was being eaten alive with guilt and other confusing emotions.

You are entitled to your feelings. You can modify what needs to be adjusted later but for now at least accept your own feelings, even if you have no one but yourself to validate how you feel.

I didn’t know how to own my own feelings because ever since I was a child and tried to express how I felt I was either told that I was wrong to feel as I did, ridiculed, judged, questioned, etc.

My feelings were not acceptable to my mom if my opinion differed from hers.

It took getting away from mom to find my own feelings. Things fell into place after I was on my own. I found a healthy balance in my life and retained a relationship with my parents. I adored my father. When he died he asked me to care for mom and I did. She was living in my childhood home when daddy died.

Then years later, Hurricane Katrina hit, mom lost her home and I invited her to move into my home and she stayed for 15 years. By that time she was in need of more care. She has Parkinson’s disease.

Needless to say, this rocked my world. Of course, it was a challenge and became complicated. I have a husband and two daughters. It was hard to balance my children’s lives and mom’s life. Our children grew up and moved out of the family home. It was tough.

I felt a range of emotions. It became too much for me and I sought help from a social worker for advice for my mom and she recommended this forum for me to speak to other caregivers. I received wonderful support from this forum.

I decided to speak to a therapist as well. I asked mom to leave my home. I have a very limited relationship with her. We briefly speak on the phone once or twice a month. It’s a neutral conversation, more or less small talk.

I accepted that I will not resolve any issues such as past hurts or have any meaningful relationship or conversations with her. Do I love her? Yes, I do. Do I accept her for who she is? For my own sanity, I had to. I do not have the power to change anyone.

Am I at peace? Yes, finally I am because I surrendered. I let go of trying to control and it’s liberating. It takes strength to surrender. I always thought it took strength to hold on. My strength was in letting go.

It isn’t my place to tell you what to do. That is your choice. I wish you well no matter what you decide and hope you find peace. All I can say is for me, sharing a home became unbearable. It just didn’t work out.

It doesn’t sound like it’s working out for you. There has to be options for you to consider. You might even want a new therapist, a second opinion with an objective fresh perspective on your situation.

Keep us posted. We care. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. All the best.

One answer is you can't change others - you can only change yourself. So that means picking your battles wisely. Think of different things/topics to share with your mom. Acts of kindness go a long way. You might she her starting to feel better as well. When a GOOD topic is going on between the two of you it will help you both. YOU need to work on your relationship with her - she may not be right, but not feeding a bad conversation does help produce less stress for yourself. You probably both hate the positions you are in. My mom is no longer here but she was sweet and loving...however, I'd say lets go out for a cone of ice cream at McDonalds and we'd take a ride (as it was hard for her to walk far) so just spending quality time together can you both feel better. Prayers...

It's not all in your head. And she cannot tell you that you're too sensitive since she isn't you. Prayers sent to you.