Is it okay to lie to avoid visiting your elderly abusive narcissistic mother in the retirement home?

Hi Newdawn.

Let me start by saying that I read your profile. Your mother isn't controlling your life from behind the walls of the care facility she lives in. If she's preventing you from living your life, then you are choosing to allow her to.
You do not have tolerate her abusive behavior. If you are on the phone with her and the abuse starts up, you end the call.
If you're visiting in person and she starts with it, that's when the visit ends.
Your mother does not control your life or how you choose to live it unless you enable her to. You can't control her behavior. You can control your response to it. Or can choose to not even have contact with her.
On this forum we hear a lot about 'conditioning'. Sure, for many of us our parents have conditioned us to feel guilt and shame over everything that isn't about and for them. There comes a point in our lives when we become adults and can decide for ourselves what we think it right and wrong.
I want you to do a favor for yourself. Every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed, I want you to look in the mirror at yourself and say out loud:

'I am a capable, grown adult. I make my own decisions. I decide who I share my life with. I have no regrets and will never be sorry for choosing me'.

Say this as many times as you have to until you believe it because it's true.

I have not spoken to nor seen my MIL for almost 3 years. I had to make the decision that she could not treat or speak to me in the manner she had adopted for 43 years. Every visit, every conversation was her putting me down, blaming me for everything (she literally blames ME for her chronic insomnia!)...Dh has chosen to not be involved, said I could fight my own battles.

So I did. Last time I saw her, she wouldn't let me sit in a chair, I had to stand on a rug to keep her kitchen floor clean. DH didn't even notice that I was standing there for over 45 minutes and my back was screaming in pain. I was also still doing chemo for cancer, so I didn't feel well at all.

Long story short---she would not let me sit, and I was not allowed to go anywhere else in the house, so I said "I'm done, just done. 'V' I will never speak to nor see you again. That's my gift to you. I slapped her on the back and went out the back door, giving it a good slam on the way (she didn't hear it as she's almost completely deaf). I sobbed almost the whole way to my sister's home--about 3 blocks away. By the time I got to Sis' home, I was calmer and at peace.

I have not seen or spoken to my MIL since. My DH thinks I need to apologize. For what? Not choosing to be her whipping boy anymore?

She said I am not to come to her funeral and I did say "what ever made you think I would come in the first place?"

I am amazed that someone could be so nasty, hateful and angry all the time. It's been a mystery to me.

The family doesn't 'get' it. My kids do, they saw too much and heard a lot. My Dh thinks I should be the bigger person, but she exhausted me, completely.

Yes it is. Dont go visit her the rest of this month and enjoy the holidays. Then visit once a month if you have to (I wouldn't even do that). If that one visit is abusive I would consider not visiting anymore. She doesnt have the right to abuse you. Just because shes old doesnt mean you have to be abused.

you have every right to protect yourself.

imagine a stranger wants to kick you. do you ask, “is it ok for me to move out of the way to avoid the kick?”?

no, of course you don’t ask that. it wouldn’t occur to you to ask that. you’ll instinctively move out of the way.

as i learned recently from another thread, verbal/psychological abuse isn’t just bad for you, it kills you a little every day.

abusers try to kill your soul, your self-confidence, your happiness, etc.

after a while, you might not recognize yourself anymore.

protect yourself.

she’ll never stop abusing you.

You aren't a child anymore. You don't need to get permission.

This comment relates to more than just visiting your mother. Make it your mantra.

Take care of your mental and physical help first. People will get angry, but someone else's anger is not your problem.

Stop allowing fear, obligation and guilt rule and run your life.

It’s more than ok. it’s necessary.

You say that your mother suffers from Alzheimer's/dementia and won't let you live your own life (in your profile), but she lives in managed care. Are you aware of how dementia damages the brain and causes the elder to become mean and say ugly things? That's not to say you should put yourself in the line of fire, but you ought to understand what's going on in order to prevent yourself more upset and/or a potential nervous breakdown over her behavior. She's cared for by a staff where she's at, hopefully, so your involvement can be limited. As my mother's dementia progressed and her behavior towards me got worse and worse, I shortened my visits with her, never went alone, and left if she became too toxic. It was important for me to lay eyes on her and to see that she was well cared for, to bring her what she needed, and for staff to know I was involved. It was not important for me to stay for long periods of time and be treated like garbage.

Visit your mother on YOUR terms and leave if the toxic fumes threaten to asphyxiate you. Remember that she's no longer in her right mind and chalk a lot of what she says off to the dementia. Not that the words don't hurt....they do....I know. But don't make YOURSELF sick over HER condition. Live your own life....she cannot prevent you from doing so unless you allow her to.

Best of luck.

I wouldn't even tell her. Just go when you feel strong enough to cope with her.

Making sure that she has the care she needs, making sure the facility knows she has you as an advocate is really enough.

You DO NOT have to accept her abuse. It is okay to tell her to stop, walk out or hang up when she starts in on you.

That's not a lie. It's the truth.