Is it okay to lie to avoid visiting your elderly abusive narcissistic mother in the retirement home?

Take care of your mental and physical help first. People will get angry, but someone else's anger is not your problem.

Stop allowing fear, obligation and guilt rule and run your life.

That's not a lie. It's the truth.

No lie necessary, no explanation of any kind needed at all. A great joy of being an adult is not owing explanations or justifications for your choices. Do what’s safe and healthy for you. Your mother does need someone to oversee and advocate for her care, this can be done from a distance if that’s what’s needed. You visit the home, check in with the staff, see how mom’s care is going, get any concerns dealt with, maybe see her from a distance, and leave. Never feel like you have to take abuse. I wish you peace

Don't tell Mom anything just cut back. If she starts, leave. "I will come back when ur in a better mood." Same if she calls. By the way, if ur the only one she calls, lose the phone. Tell the Staff though u took it so they r not looking for it.

Please realize that the Dementia is at play. Her mind is dying. You may still be a child to her. You need to set boundries for yourself because she no longer recognizes them. You do not have to visit everyday. She may not even notice u haven't been there, their days run into each other. Time means nothing.

I would ask a staff member to be honest with you. Do your visits not only effect Mom for the time you are there but do they have problems with her after you leave? Look at it this way, cutting down on your visits will be good for Mom. The agitation and anxiety she feels when ur there is not good for her either. You maybe a trigger. Good reason to stay away.

Mom cannot control you from the facility. You visit, u leave and do what you want with your life. She is cared for. You may have some things you need to pick up for her but they can be dropped off. Lets say you tell Mom you went out for dinner with a friend and she says "u didn't ask me first". Just let her go, then say "I am sorry Mom, I thought I did". Do not argue with her. Her reality is not yours. In her eyes you may be a teenager. In my Moms I think she thought I was her Mom at times. Your Mom is not the person you knew. You have to learn to play the game. Allow her to think she is right. She will forget all about it and here you are still upset.

I agree, you need time away and then work back into visitations. Tell the Nurse and staff that you will be away until New Years. You are available by phone for emergencies only. You will be taking no calls from Mom. I may stop in if they have party and give Mom her gift but leave at least Christmas day to yourself. Enjoy those holidays.

I have not spoken to nor seen my MIL for almost 3 years. I had to make the decision that she could not treat or speak to me in the manner she had adopted for 43 years. Every visit, every conversation was her putting me down, blaming me for everything (she literally blames ME for her chronic insomnia!)...Dh has chosen to not be involved, said I could fight my own battles.

So I did. Last time I saw her, she wouldn't let me sit in a chair, I had to stand on a rug to keep her kitchen floor clean. DH didn't even notice that I was standing there for over 45 minutes and my back was screaming in pain. I was also still doing chemo for cancer, so I didn't feel well at all.

Long story short---she would not let me sit, and I was not allowed to go anywhere else in the house, so I said "I'm done, just done. 'V' I will never speak to nor see you again. That's my gift to you. I slapped her on the back and went out the back door, giving it a good slam on the way (she didn't hear it as she's almost completely deaf). I sobbed almost the whole way to my sister's home--about 3 blocks away. By the time I got to Sis' home, I was calmer and at peace.

I have not seen or spoken to my MIL since. My DH thinks I need to apologize. For what? Not choosing to be her whipping boy anymore?

She said I am not to come to her funeral and I did say "what ever made you think I would come in the first place?"

I am amazed that someone could be so nasty, hateful and angry all the time. It's been a mystery to me.

The family doesn't 'get' it. My kids do, they saw too much and heard a lot. My Dh thinks I should be the bigger person, but she exhausted me, completely.

I wouldn't even tell her. Just go when you feel strong enough to cope with her.

Making sure that she has the care she needs, making sure the facility knows she has you as an advocate is really enough.

You DO NOT have to accept her abuse. It is okay to tell her to stop, walk out or hang up when she starts in on you.

Hi Newdawn.

Let me start by saying that I read your profile. Your mother isn't controlling your life from behind the walls of the care facility she lives in. If she's preventing you from living your life, then you are choosing to allow her to.
You do not have tolerate her abusive behavior. If you are on the phone with her and the abuse starts up, you end the call.
If you're visiting in person and she starts with it, that's when the visit ends.
Your mother does not control your life or how you choose to live it unless you enable her to. You can't control her behavior. You can control your response to it. Or can choose to not even have contact with her.
On this forum we hear a lot about 'conditioning'. Sure, for many of us our parents have conditioned us to feel guilt and shame over everything that isn't about and for them. There comes a point in our lives when we become adults and can decide for ourselves what we think it right and wrong.
I want you to do a favor for yourself. Every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed, I want you to look in the mirror at yourself and say out loud:

'I am a capable, grown adult. I make my own decisions. I decide who I share my life with. I have no regrets and will never be sorry for choosing me'.

Say this as many times as you have to until you believe it because it's true.

You say that your mother suffers from Alzheimer's/dementia and won't let you live your own life (in your profile), but she lives in managed care. Are you aware of how dementia damages the brain and causes the elder to become mean and say ugly things? That's not to say you should put yourself in the line of fire, but you ought to understand what's going on in order to prevent yourself more upset and/or a potential nervous breakdown over her behavior. She's cared for by a staff where she's at, hopefully, so your involvement can be limited. As my mother's dementia progressed and her behavior towards me got worse and worse, I shortened my visits with her, never went alone, and left if she became too toxic. It was important for me to lay eyes on her and to see that she was well cared for, to bring her what she needed, and for staff to know I was involved. It was not important for me to stay for long periods of time and be treated like garbage.

Visit your mother on YOUR terms and leave if the toxic fumes threaten to asphyxiate you. Remember that she's no longer in her right mind and chalk a lot of what she says off to the dementia. Not that the words don't hurt....they do....I know. But don't make YOURSELF sick over HER condition. Live your own life....she cannot prevent you from doing so unless you allow her to.

Best of luck.

You aren't a child anymore. You don't need to get permission.

This comment relates to more than just visiting your mother. Make it your mantra.

you have every right to protect yourself.

imagine a stranger wants to kick you. do you ask, “is it ok for me to move out of the way to avoid the kick?”?

no, of course you don’t ask that. it wouldn’t occur to you to ask that. you’ll instinctively move out of the way.

as i learned recently from another thread, verbal/psychological abuse isn’t just bad for you, it kills you a little every day.

abusers try to kill your soul, your self-confidence, your happiness, etc.

after a while, you might not recognize yourself anymore.

protect yourself.

she’ll never stop abusing you.

Yes it is. Dont go visit her the rest of this month and enjoy the holidays. Then visit once a month if you have to (I wouldn't even do that). If that one visit is abusive I would consider not visiting anymore. She doesnt have the right to abuse you. Just because shes old doesnt mean you have to be abused.

It’s more than ok. it’s necessary.