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This is the first year — and probably my dad’s last Christmas. He’s 92 now with vascular/Alzheimer’s — I have chosen family over my elderly father, who doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him. He’s a bully and a pathological narcissistic. I think he also has borderline personality disorder. In years past, I have always made beautiful dinners and Christmas parties for my family. Thanksgiving, Easter, et cetera, too. I pick my father up and he enjoys a wonderful meal on each holiday. He goes back home and gets in trouble and my whole family suffers. He’s always been this way. It’s an odd situation. I know he’s had a lifetime of undiagnosed mental illness. We grew up in a house where he drank, raged, bullied and criticized. I’m going to Hawaii this year and putting him in a memory care facility (respite care) for 30 days guilt free. Hoping he doesn’t bolt, as he can’t smoke there.

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There's no accommodation for his smoking? Not a smoking porch or nicotine patches? You may want to address this with your father's doctor. Nicotine withdrawal can be hard on someone 92 who already has dementia - both physically and on his interactions with the staff.

Enjoy your trip.
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Yes, enjoy your trip!

When you say you hope he doesn't bolt...I would make sure the facility knows your concern that he might do this. Memory Care facilities usually are secured so that its residents can't wander. You might want to experiment with nicotine patches for him before you leave, because going "cold turkey" may increase his anger and agitation while in the facility and you don't want a phone call from them on your trip. Not sure how the adhesive will be on his thinner, aging skin. Not trying to stress you before your trip, but an ounce of prevention...
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2021
Geaton,

It won't be a possibility that taking his cigarettes away will increase his anger and agitation. It's guaranteed that it will. Even if he's given nicotine patches or any other smoking cessation product.
If OOMEZOOME doesn't want to get the "call" while she's on vacation in Hawaii, then she better damn well make an arrangement with the memory care or an outside person to take her father outside to smoke at least a few times a day.
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I hope you aren't using your money for the respite at the MC! Enjoy your trip!

(And is it time for him to be placed in a facility? How long have you been taking care of him?)
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OOMEZOOME Oct 2021
I've been taking care of him since my mother died in 1982. He is just a difficult guy. He gets in legal trouble -- DUI's -- since we were teenagers. I'm exhausted. My sister passed in 2014, so I'm alone with him, now. I've been doing full-time, everyday care for 2.5 years, and I've done at least 5 years of 75 percent care. I'm just wiped out. He sleeps a lot now, so that is good. He does. not leave the house, except with me, as his mobility is very bad, now. I think we're getting close to the end, and I have to say it will be hard, even though it will be a "God send." My husband is the nicest guy, and he's exhausted too. He's a very forgiving and selfless man, and my dad is just the opposite, so my husband has put up with a lot, as have my 2 daughters. We are all exhausted. Thank you for your kind words.
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You’re not leaving him alone - he’ll be well cared for, and you’ll have peace of mind.

When we sacrifice again and again with takers and never get anything in return, it’s incredibly draining. And although you say “guilt free”, somehow I doubt it. But, you know it *should* be guilt free so that’s a good goal to have for yourself.

Enjoy your well deserved vacation!
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Enjoy your Holiday you deserve it. And now you have him in Memory care, if he has the money, keep him there. He should not be left alone in his own home. If he gas no money, place him in LTC with Medicaid paying for his care.
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At some point if the family member has dementia you're doing the holiday thing for yourself and your desire to provide it to your family member/friend. Last year my Mom and I had a lovely covid Thanksgiving with just us, my dogs, and the cat. I used my grandmother's good china, the whole shebang. Cleaned up and we went for a nice walk as the day wound down. Left the tablecloth and flowers out. Mom gets up, walks into the room the next AM, stops, and goes..'Oh., pretty! What's the occasion?' LOL.
So.
Do your thing!
He'll have a nice meal at the MC, and have stuff to do while you're away.
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If you have the legal authority to put your father in a memory care facility for even one day then it's your choice (not his) whether or not he goes home. So if you decide that he's staying there permanently then he is. No worries about him bolting because a memory care (a.k.a. dementia unit) is kept locked at all times. The doors have locks that use a number code that has to be put in or they can open by swiping a card (normally these cards are also the ID badges of the employees). So he's not getting out unless someone takes him out.
As for him being 92 years old and still smoking. Good for him. You have to insist that the an aide or some other employee of the facility take him outside to smoke. At least a few times a day. The memory care is getting big bucks for him to be there, so they can work for it. It's not such a big deal to do this. We used to do it all the time in the nursing home.
It's important that they take him to smoke. If they don't he will become impossible for them to take care of and you'll run into trouble. Have fun in Hawaii. You deserve it.
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Your dad will be fine and he probably will not even remember it's Christmas.
Enjoy your time with your family. You deserve it!

My holiday routine for a difficult mother is to pick up nice holiday meals for her and favorite sitter who she adores.

She will enjoy it and refused the past years to go to anyone's home for a holiday. She dislikes children and dogs.
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Yuppie1 Oct 2021
You're a thoughtful person. God bless. Won't let me "helpful answer" your comment. 😑
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Enjoy your trip! You deserve it.
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