This is the first year — and probably my dad’s last Christmas. He’s 92 now with vascular/Alzheimer’s — I have chosen family over my elderly father, who doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him. He’s a bully and a pathological narcissistic. I think he also has borderline personality disorder. In years past, I have always made beautiful dinners and Christmas parties for my family. Thanksgiving, Easter, et cetera, too. I pick my father up and he enjoys a wonderful meal on each holiday. He goes back home and gets in trouble and my whole family suffers. He’s always been this way. It’s an odd situation. I know he’s had a lifetime of undiagnosed mental illness. We grew up in a house where he drank, raged, bullied and criticized. I’m going to Hawaii this year and putting him in a memory care facility (respite care) for 30 days guilt free. Hoping he doesn’t bolt, as he can’t smoke there.
Enjoy your time with your family. You deserve it!
My holiday routine for a difficult mother is to pick up nice holiday meals for her and favorite sitter who she adores.
She will enjoy it and refused the past years to go to anyone's home for a holiday. She dislikes children and dogs.
As for him being 92 years old and still smoking. Good for him. You have to insist that the an aide or some other employee of the facility take him outside to smoke. At least a few times a day. The memory care is getting big bucks for him to be there, so they can work for it. It's not such a big deal to do this. We used to do it all the time in the nursing home.
It's important that they take him to smoke. If they don't he will become impossible for them to take care of and you'll run into trouble. Have fun in Hawaii. You deserve it.
So.
Do your thing!
He'll have a nice meal at the MC, and have stuff to do while you're away.
When we sacrifice again and again with takers and never get anything in return, it’s incredibly draining. And although you say “guilt free”, somehow I doubt it. But, you know it *should* be guilt free so that’s a good goal to have for yourself.
Enjoy your well deserved vacation!
(And is it time for him to be placed in a facility? How long have you been taking care of him?)
When you say you hope he doesn't bolt...I would make sure the facility knows your concern that he might do this. Memory Care facilities usually are secured so that its residents can't wander. You might want to experiment with nicotine patches for him before you leave, because going "cold turkey" may increase his anger and agitation while in the facility and you don't want a phone call from them on your trip. Not sure how the adhesive will be on his thinner, aging skin. Not trying to stress you before your trip, but an ounce of prevention...
It won't be a possibility that taking his cigarettes away will increase his anger and agitation. It's guaranteed that it will. Even if he's given nicotine patches or any other smoking cessation product.
If OOMEZOOME doesn't want to get the "call" while she's on vacation in Hawaii, then she better damn well make an arrangement with the memory care or an outside person to take her father outside to smoke at least a few times a day.
Enjoy your trip.