My 102 yr old grandmother died expectedly, well-cared for in a nursing home/hospice in another state. My brother and in-home aids provided care for her until she was no longer safe at home, which unfortunately coincided with the start of the pandemic. We have had weekly Zooms with her since then, but I have not visited in person since the pandemic. My sister and I live in the same state about a 13 hr drive away; she, BIL and nephew are driving to go to the funeral. I helped care for my parents, my mom died almost 3 years ago, my father 4, and my husband's brother died in a MVA last year, and I got covid a year ago, and quite frankly, I am not in a great mental space, but I'm working on it (while I am "relatively" young (49) and without serious medical conditions, the stress of the last 4 years and now pre-menopause has left me depleted). I feel that I said my goodbyes to my grandmother and since my grandfather and parents are deceased, as well as all close family/friends (except for my siblings), I honestly don't want to go, due to the travel and cramped quarters if we all stay with my brother. I have depression, fatigue, GI issues, and am abstaining from alcohol, as I used that to self-medicate after my mom died and it got pretty bad...my family drinks and I'm afraid I will too if I go and then deal with severe depression afterwards. My siblings are both older than me (by 10 and 12 years), and even though my sister said she wants me to do what is best for me, I am struggling with guilt and anxiety, primarily due to old family dynamics, shame, and Catholic guilt (even though I left the church). If my mom or my grandfather were alive, I would do whatever I had to do to be there for them, but since it is just my siblings (who have spouses), I don't feel the same obligation, especially during crazy holiday travel and risk of covid or flu. Can anyone relate and give some perspective? Thank you.
Please consider seeing a mental health doctor to get adequate treatment for your depression and anxiety. Medications can help calm the symptoms while you work with a therapist to build new coping strategies.
That is what counts, your relationship while she was alive.
My condolences.
Your own perspective is just fine.
Maybe someone can Zoom the services for your grandmother.
I have never in my entire life with her done anything to her to hurt her or make her life miserable. She blames me for everything--so mental illness is def at play here.
For me to go to a funeral for someone who wished I'd died when I had cancer--and told me so many times--who hated my mere presence at any family gathering--it would be a lie and I won't be a part of it.
You are not obligated to go to your grandmother's service. Esp with all the family drama that you mention. And not feeling tip-top. Funerals can be extremely triggering for anxiety and depression, even when the person for whom you are honoring had a good relationship with you.
In these days of COVID, and we're not out of the woods by far--I have been to 4 'services' held outdoors and socially distanced. I expect that will be how it is for some time.
Do what your heart tells you and don't worry about what others think.
None of my kids will be attending their grandmother's funeral either, out of a show of solidarity with me. I didn't ask them to, they just have no relationship with her.
Last year, my SIL's father died unexpected and I truly wanted to be there to honor her (SIL) love for her father. I foolishly was willing to risk getting COVID because my deep basic human instinct to be there was stronger than my fear of getting sick (which was definitely there). Another brother was very assertive and said I SHOULD NOT GO - this was very out of character for him to try to tell me what I should or should not do and it made an impression on me. I did not go and I think hearing my brother's strong opinion prevented any unnecessary guilt feelings from coming up.
If it helps, let me be the equivalent to my brother for you and tell you that going to the funeral does NOT seem to be "best/doable" for you at this time in your life.
My mother is 99 yrs old and when she passes I would never judge one of her grandchildren negatively for not being able to attend her funeral. Yes, it was great when everyone was young and in the same city/state, but years take their toil on everyone and people can't follow the same rules that worked for them years ago. I guarantee your grandmother knew and understood this.
I would do what is right by me meaning if you can't do it don't do it. Why put yourself at risk of covid. Even though we are vaccinated it doesn't protect us from getting it again it just makes it where the severity isn't as bad or die from it.
You have said your good-byes in the zoom leave it at that everyone who knows you will know this is right for you. And your grandmother wouldn't want you to get sick going to her funeral.
Prayers for you.
Based on your question, with all the caveats and side stories, you absolutely don’t want to go. You must be feeling guilty, though, or you wouldn’t have asked a group of strangers whether that choice is acceptable.
Certainly attending would be the most respectful and unselfish thing to do.
I had another thought that might help you feel better about not going. You write a letter to your grandmother and have a person at the service read it aloud. You can talk about your favorite memories of her, either moving or funny, and how much she meant to you.
This might help you, other attendees, and your grandmother feel more like you're actually there.
So be honest, don't go, and do something else to mark your grandmother's passing. Nobody who counts, God and your grandmother in particular, will hold it against you.
As your brother is the would-be host, it would be courteous to call him and thank him for the offer of hospitality, taking the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart if you're on such terms with him. Don't ask permission, though: *tell* him that you have decided against making the journey. Truth be told, I can't see how you won't just be saving him and his a little bit of extra work.
The best tribute you can give her is remember with love & teach & tell your family what kind of a woman she was . In that way your respect for her will last generations .
You need to deal with yourself as you say here: "I am struggling with guilt and anxiety, primarily due to old family dynamics, shame, and Catholic guilt (even though I left the church."
These are deep rooted, serious, difficult, challenging issues / feelings. I would encourage you to get into therapy.
All our "yes-es" do not mean anything if you feel as you do.
We are frosting on the cake that needs new ingredients ... poor analogy. gena
And it’s true for you, too. You’re doing the best with what you’ve got, but without the people there that you would feel obligated to look after, your grandma would want you to look after yourself! Spend the day listening to her favorite music and looking through old photos, remembering the good times.
We’re desperately trying to get back to how life used to be, but we’re not there yet. And that’s okay. It’s messed up right now, but it won’t always be. I would hope that she wouldn’t want you to stress yourself over it.
Don't ask a group of internet strangers what to do here...........get rid of 'guilt' and what you think you 'should' do based on other people's opinions, and give your grandmother a eulogy of your own, from your kitchen table, where she will hear your words and appreciate every one of them as if you were sitting beside her casket at the funeral.
Don't put yourself through undue stress or emotional upheaval for no good reason.
My condolences on your loss. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace and the strength to allow yourself to grieve in the way YOU feel to be appropriate.
Funerals is a way to get family together and reconnect. They are for the LIVING not the one that has died.
NO ONE should "guilt" you into going.
You should not feel "guilty" for not attending.
I think the better idea would be to have a gathering later, when you feel more comfortable, feel better mentally, emotionally, physically. You will get more out of being with family then than you would now.