Is it Ok to be rude to dementia parent?

ExV, you have caller ID on your phone, yes?

Tell your father that you will no longer pick up any calls from Mom while you are at work.

Tell Mother that if she calls and is abusive on the phone, you will hang up. (I'd actually change my number and not give it to mom).

Tell Dad that if there is an emergency, he needs to call 911 (or whatever the equivalent is).

Tell Dad and your siblings EXACTLY what it is you are willing to do ("I will visit every other Subday afternoon for one hour and take them a cake and cofee" for example).

Do NOT let others, including your parents, order you about.

This is called setting healthy boundaries.

ExV; Why on earth do you think you sound selfish?

Because you want to live your life with the person you love?

Because your parents don't seem to think that you deserve any privacy?

Because your siblings have tapped you and said "You're IT" and run away?

I think it's the others in your life who are selfish, NOT you!

You can not “sit her down for a talk “ she will not remember 1 minute after the talk. Time to reassess & talk with her dr. Take her to a neurologist. Look into ALF. One thing for sure...she can no longer live alone. You don’t want to be her full time caregiver & quit your job. It will only get worse, not better. Hugs 🤗

Why do you think that telling her that will have ANY effect on her behavior?

Her brain is broken. Just stop answering the phone.

Being rude is never acceptable. but setting appropriate boundaries by not accepting phone calls because it is jeopardizing your work isn't rude, it's just a fact of life. And I suggest that you'll never be able to separate emergency calls from nuisance ones so just blocking them all and checking in once or twice a day at your convenience is a better option.

My dad has dementia and used to call at least 5 times a day. We finally turned the ringer off on the phone at home for periods of time just to quiet things down. My cell is either on vibrate or mute while I'm at work and if I don't want to answer it, I don't. That has pretty much stopped any calls during the day. I have been going to counseling for years and she taught me 3 things: 1. It's OK to say 'no'; 2. You HAVE to set boundaries; 3. The needs of yourself and your family come first. For my dad what made the difference and has gradually decreased this was the help of in-home care. They came a few days a week for 6 hours a day and that kept him busy and off the phone. They take him out of the house to run errands. Unfortunately the only thing that got him to move (against his will) was a recent hospitalization and the doctors saying he can no longer live at home on his own. He is in a beautiful assisted living but continually talks about moving back home.

I agree with Barb. You cannot "talk" to a Dementia patient. They no longer can process what you are trying to explain. In one ear and out the other.

Are Mom and Dad still in their home? If in an AL, take the phone away. If there is an emergency, the AL will call you. She doesn't need to be bothering you at work, your landlord or anyone else. If you have a way of screening calls at work, do it. Don't pick up her calls. Ask if there is a way to block that number. I also think that the rest of the family needs to get involved. You have a stressful job and need to be able to make decisions.

I also think it maybe time, if Mom is still living in her home, to place her somewhere. I bet she stresses your Dad out too. He may appreciate the silence.

Since your siblings insist your parents can still be managed at home, have THEM manage their parents and all these calls forwarded to THEM. Within one weeks time, your siblings will all be in agreement that it's time NOW to place the folks in Assisted Living or Memory Care.

Until and unless a person is dealing with the insanity on a daily basis, they just don't Get It.

It's not safe, prudent or sane to keep your parents living at home any longer. Nor is it going to accomplish anything to sit mom down for a hard talk. She will only forget all about it in short order, you will realize, as your phone starts ringing again. Do not apply YOUR logic to a dementia sufferer.....it doesn't work that way. There comes a time when placement is the only option. Sounds like that time is now.

Best of luck!

ExV; the fact that your siblings are selfish and idiotic does not make mom your problem to deal with.

And yes, for many folks here with uncooperative parents, it takes an accident to get them into a care facility.

Mom will fall or become ill and end up in hospital. At that point, you talk to the discharge facilitators and tell them that she lives alone with no assistance and will not accept any.

This will NOT be "your fault" although your siblings will tell you that it is.

You deserve a life.

Of course, Exvee, given your profession and your expertise you are the FIRST ONE to know that A) your Mom is now illness and age speaking, not your Mom and B) a good talking to will accomplish exactly nothing. In fact, go for it, because it is unlikely Mom will even recall a word you say.
Very good to hear from you again.
When is the wedding?
Is it still your intention to have Mom living with you?
Now, myself, I would be devising some sort of lovely soundproofing thing for the phones in the house, other than the needed one for your professional duties, and that I would think/hope is separate from the one Mom can access. After hours, you are correct, they should be accessing EMS if necessary.