Is it Ok to be rude to dementia parent?

Yes it is ok to set boundries!! It's not being rude if you are busy at work OR at home. You need your concentration and focus to be on your patients at work AND on your relationship with your fiance at home. Mom will never be happy unless she is getting her way. Don't forget that older brothers also EXPECT you to be there 24x7 365 so they don't have to. I'm not sure if you have an aps or equivalent where you live but it may be a good place to start. Maybe they can assist you to get her admitted in an AL/MC facility or even help parents get in home care. She is having a temper tantrum, how would you deal with a 3 year old doing the same. MIL just got out of a sling, NO lifting or carrying anything, break not 100% healed but enough so she can do minimal passive exercises so muscles do not atrophy. Catch her carrying her cellphone many time, pouts, gets belligerent towards me, its FINE! I can do what I want. After a few times of that I told her that it was unacceptable behavior and that SHE would have a time out. Did it again, while complaining to SIL, Walking around with cane, holding phone in bad hand bitching about how she can do what she wants when she wants. Told her again, your actions are unacceptable, we have gone over this multiple times this morning, you were warned you would have a time out. Say goodbye and that you will talk to her in 1 hour, that's when you will have your phone back. Took her phone, turned it off and placed on top of fridge so she couldn't reach it. Returned it in 1 hour. She was PISSED but I also told her if it happened again she would lose it for 2 hours, add 1 hour every time she disregarded doctor orders. That I will not let her harm herself. SIL had a fit, tough. Got the point across really quick. Caught her starting to get up out of chair with it in bad hand again, looked at her (mom look) asked if she was after 2 hours, she put it down, said no and went on her merry way. Complained to DH when he got home. I had already informed him so if waylaid by SIL or MIL he was up to speed instead of blindsided. He told her if it was him she would've lost it for the day instead. Major poor me pitty party. It is the new norm. Doesn't help that your brothers (as my SIL) reinforce her beliefs that YOU'RE it. You've been doing this on your own too long. Time for them to get the help they need, you the peace of mind you need, the ability to exceed in your chosen career, and even more importantly the time and energy to give to your relationship.

PS Dads usually aren't too quick on the uptake, they get deer in the headlights look because they are not use to being the family "fixer", that's usually "mom's" job.

My dad has dementia and used to call at least 5 times a day. We finally turned the ringer off on the phone at home for periods of time just to quiet things down. My cell is either on vibrate or mute while I'm at work and if I don't want to answer it, I don't. That has pretty much stopped any calls during the day. I have been going to counseling for years and she taught me 3 things: 1. It's OK to say 'no'; 2. You HAVE to set boundaries; 3. The needs of yourself and your family come first. For my dad what made the difference and has gradually decreased this was the help of in-home care. They came a few days a week for 6 hours a day and that kept him busy and off the phone. They take him out of the house to run errands. Unfortunately the only thing that got him to move (against his will) was a recent hospitalization and the doctors saying he can no longer live at home on his own. He is in a beautiful assisted living but continually talks about moving back home.

ExV; the fact that your siblings are selfish and idiotic does not make mom your problem to deal with.

And yes, for many folks here with uncooperative parents, it takes an accident to get them into a care facility.

Mom will fall or become ill and end up in hospital. At that point, you talk to the discharge facilitators and tell them that she lives alone with no assistance and will not accept any.

This will NOT be "your fault" although your siblings will tell you that it is.

You deserve a life.

You can not “sit her down for a talk “ she will not remember 1 minute after the talk. Time to reassess & talk with her dr. Take her to a neurologist. Look into ALF. One thing for sure...she can no longer live alone. You don’t want to be her full time caregiver & quit your job. It will only get worse, not better. Hugs 🤗

Since your siblings insist your parents can still be managed at home, have THEM manage their parents and all these calls forwarded to THEM. Within one weeks time, your siblings will all be in agreement that it's time NOW to place the folks in Assisted Living or Memory Care.

Until and unless a person is dealing with the insanity on a daily basis, they just don't Get It.

It's not safe, prudent or sane to keep your parents living at home any longer. Nor is it going to accomplish anything to sit mom down for a hard talk. She will only forget all about it in short order, you will realize, as your phone starts ringing again. Do not apply YOUR logic to a dementia sufferer.....it doesn't work that way. There comes a time when placement is the only option. Sounds like that time is now.

Best of luck!

ExV; Why on earth do you think you sound selfish?

Because you want to live your life with the person you love?

Because your parents don't seem to think that you deserve any privacy?

Because your siblings have tapped you and said "You're IT" and run away?

I think it's the others in your life who are selfish, NOT you!

Reasoning with your mom is likely an impossibility and fighting with her will just be more of a frustration, she has dementia and this is part of her disease. But that doesn’t mean you need to put up with or encourage her behavior by putting up with it. It sounds like your dad is capable of calling 911 or a family member in the case of an emergency so there isn’t any real reason for you to be “on call” 24/7 and if you aren’t an only child caring for and making decisions for/with your parents there is no reason you should feel the need to deal with mom’s calls especially at work.

If I were you I would either let all the calls from mom or the house if you can’t differentiate between mom and dad, go to voice mail, turn off the ringer on your cell phone for that number or whatever works to keep you from even knowing a call is coming in. If there is a true emergency one of your siblings can call you or you can have a set up for someone else to call you. Then establish a pattern, you call mom and dad once a week, once every other day or every day, whatever works for you at the time that works for you. It’s during those check in calls that they can tell you if they need something or you can discuss plans for appointments or visits, on your terms. Maybe you take dinner over every Wed after work or groceries every Sat, whatever you decide and if they need more than that you have siblings who can chip in their time too, after all they feel mom is still fine at home. Maybe they are right or maybe they need to be more closely involved in what it takes to care for her and dad, as well as the toll it may take on dad of course but you need to stop making it easier for them to be in realistic about the situation, maybe mom will start making these demanding calls to another sibling once she can’t pull your strings anymore. I am not saying fight with mom or treat her like a child, its likely she doesn’t have that kind of control but if she is no longer getting whatever satisfaction she does from calling you she may either move on to someone else or stop all together. Even if neither of these things happen though, you can stop engaging and allowing yourself to be so affected. You are still doing everything in your power to help care for mom and dad, your just spreading it around better and caring for yourself and your family as well better. I can’t imagine how hard this must be especially since you are trying to support your dad too, it’s obvious you love them both very much. Good luck!

Of course, Exvee, given your profession and your expertise you are the FIRST ONE to know that A) your Mom is now illness and age speaking, not your Mom and B) a good talking to will accomplish exactly nothing. In fact, go for it, because it is unlikely Mom will even recall a word you say.
Very good to hear from you again.
When is the wedding?
Is it still your intention to have Mom living with you?
Now, myself, I would be devising some sort of lovely soundproofing thing for the phones in the house, other than the needed one for your professional duties, and that I would think/hope is separate from the one Mom can access. After hours, you are correct, they should be accessing EMS if necessary.

ExV, you have caller ID on your phone, yes?

Tell your father that you will no longer pick up any calls from Mom while you are at work.

Tell Mother that if she calls and is abusive on the phone, you will hang up. (I'd actually change my number and not give it to mom).

Tell Dad that if there is an emergency, he needs to call 911 (or whatever the equivalent is).

Tell Dad and your siblings EXACTLY what it is you are willing to do ("I will visit every other Subday afternoon for one hour and take them a cake and cofee" for example).

Do NOT let others, including your parents, order you about.

This is called setting healthy boundaries.

Being rude is never acceptable. but setting appropriate boundaries by not accepting phone calls because it is jeopardizing your work isn't rude, it's just a fact of life. And I suggest that you'll never be able to separate emergency calls from nuisance ones so just blocking them all and checking in once or twice a day at your convenience is a better option.

I agree with Barb. You cannot "talk" to a Dementia patient. They no longer can process what you are trying to explain. In one ear and out the other.

Are Mom and Dad still in their home? If in an AL, take the phone away. If there is an emergency, the AL will call you. She doesn't need to be bothering you at work, your landlord or anyone else. If you have a way of screening calls at work, do it. Don't pick up her calls. Ask if there is a way to block that number. I also think that the rest of the family needs to get involved. You have a stressful job and need to be able to make decisions.

I also think it maybe time, if Mom is still living in her home, to place her somewhere. I bet she stresses your Dad out too. He may appreciate the silence.

Why do you think that telling her that will have ANY effect on her behavior?

Her brain is broken. Just stop answering the phone.