I was tasked with this after both my parents died. I cleaned out my mother’s belongings first, and then my dad’s a number of years later, then sold their home. It brought a sadness to see it all go, along with a little guilt over a few items that I knew were precious to them but not wanted by anyone in the family. It also brought relief to see a chapter close after some really hard years for them both. And it also brought hope, their belongings could be used by people who needed them, who could enjoy them anew. Their home could bring a new family times of happiness and memories just as it had for us. I guess it’s often in how you view it and shifting your thoughts is helpful. I wish you peace
Yup, certainly in the normal range. Hopefully, it's not too too bad. It's got to be done so we have to "put on our big girl panties" and do things like this even when they're uncomfortable.
I think it is normal, although I’m not a fan of the word “guilt” as I know logically there is no reason for me to feel guilt. Having said that I did feel guilt/grief/sadness/betrayal distributing my husband’s stuff and selling our house when I was about to marry again. I asked his friends to choose things that were meaningful and they did. I knew I would certainly never ever forget him.
Cleaning out my mother’s house I feel more frustration than anything. How did the previous generation get talked into acquiring so much stuff? Everyday dishes, everyday cutlery, everyday cups and glasses and mugs, luncheon china, dinner china, silverware, crystal... figurine collections... It seems such a waste. I resent being made out to be horrible because I don’t want to get rid of all my junk to make room for her vastly superior and clearly more tasteful belongings. <a sarcasm font would be handy here>
My daughter feels just as you do! But as a practical person, and as a professional appraiser, she has already told me exactly what she will keep, and what she will sell when I expire. I have told her she can put it all on eBay for all I care…I won’t be around to care!
Well, “guilty” means you did a naughty thing, and of course you didn’t! What, precisely, would have been your other option? Setting up a museum with all your parents’ old stuff? Preserving it for posterity?
When old people die, leaving a houseful of things, this is what you do:
1) You and your siblings fight over the valuable items, like good antiques, artwork of value, and the silver. You may need to call in an appraiser for this part, to divide it all fairly.
2) You have a tag sale for the rest of it, the stuff not even Goodwill wants. You’d be surprised what junk browsers will buy!
3) What remains unsold after the tag sale, you put in a dumpster.
You'd be surprised at the money we "junk browsers" make at tag sales where people are selling loved ones possessions they want to be rid of but have no idea of their value! 😊
My mother didn’t have so many ‘things’, and my two sisters and I split most of them between us. When we visit each other, the ‘things’ are on a shelf and usually prompt a conversation about our mother and where things were when we were growing up. Having just something is a good way to avoid ‘feeling guilty’ in throwing or giving away items that were special – you can pin all your memories on something small, instead of thinking that you ought to keep the lot.
Our mother had moved long before her death, but when my sisters were here for the funeral we went to the house where we grew up and asked if we could visit to remind ourselves about it. It turned out that the people who originally bought from us had lived there for 30 plus years and made very few changes. It had been sold recently, and the new owners were genuinely interested to hear some history for the house and the neighborhood.
It’s an emotional time, but don’t think that everything has gone and you will have nothing to remember!
I think it's good, sometimes, depending on your relationship with the deceased. My MIL and I got along before dementia set in. I visited the people that bought her house. Told her what was then, what's under that coat of paint, what changes had been made by previous owners (we had sold the house then it was sold to the current owners). They were actually happy to find out what was under that coat of paint, what that room used to be used for, etc.
I recently visited my old family home. This elicited a lot of memories and anger at one of my brothers. I understand Mom and Dad, being in advanced age couldn't keep everything fixed and pristine. Brother lived near them, he took it upon himself to let things go, rent to floppers. The current owners called it the "frat house". They were happy to find out what and who was where when we grew up. What used to be. They had completely redone the home back into the era it was built and beautiful again. That was comforting to me.
Of course. It's their 'stuff' after all, and they can't make the decisions themselves. It would have been lovely if they could have, so it can be a bit of a sad time. You just have to do the best you can, and know that you're doing it in their best interests.
It's normal to feel grief; grief that she won't be needing those things any more, grief at the end of her life as it was, grief at what her life has become. Regret that you can't fix those things. And maybe a little frustration and even anger at the amount of work involved.
Guilt? You didn't cause any of these woes. Guilt assumes malice aforethought, planning to hurt someone, responsibility for the pain. You have none of that here. The best G-word would be grief.
And yes, the emptying of the memories of a lifetime carries enormous grief, and over time sometimes a sense of finally letting go, knowing that we can none of us take our beloved "stuff" with us. I have finally, at 81 got myself down to my Dad's confirmation bible from his mother (Ca. 1916). And a baby shoe, leather, of mine and one of my bro's. The rest has gone, or gone in case of special jewelry or whatever, to my daughter. Even with THAT, my "guilt" now rests with leaving her too many pictures from the 20s and 30s. I have a note on the box, "look once and toss".
Sure, it's very hard. We know the joy and love people took in their "stuff", whatEVER it was their treasured. We identify it with the person themselves. It's very tough to let things go, but what a service it is for our kids, who already have too much "stuff" of their own.
Yes, it's normal. If we could shrink down and box up our loved ones homes and possessions and save them forever, most of us "sentimentalists" would do just that. We feel like we're giving away our loved ones themselves when we have to sell off their belongings, or donate them. And selling the house feels like the family home is going to someone else who won't value it like WE did.
Realistically, save some mementos in Memory of your loved one, and realize how impossible it is to save everything. You're not doing anything wrong or anything any one of us didn't go through already. It's hard, that's for sure.
But the memories live on in our hearts and minds forever, not in objects anyway.
Nothing to feel guilty about. I have 2 brothers but I did the work. It was something that had to be done. The OB only wanted a couple of things. There were 4 of us and I had 4 boxes with each of our names on them. As I found pictures of them and their families I put them in the box. If it was a gift they gave to Dad or Mom, got put in their box. I gave some stuff to friends and family the rest I donated to thrift shops. Furniture, I called Habitat for Humanity.
Me, after cleaning out Moms house I started on mine. What is left should get my girls some money. I hope to really downsize in the next few years to a smaller place so there will be even less.
I think it's different for everyone depending on the relationship. I went through alot of anger and resentment combined with feelings of betrayal and confusion, topped with an affection formulated over the last few decades with me as his constant. The past and present provided a sort of cognitive dissonance when cleaning out the house. That said, it was cathartic and good for me after it was all saidn and done, which is why I had refused to let my spouse help me. I threw away, and even destroyed all of the " family history" while working through the family trauma. Guilt wasn't one of the emotions I had to deal with. I certainly understand it though...Make sure you lean into what you're experiencing and feeling though, and don't avoid your feelings. Thank you for sharing.
I boxed up and sold our childhood home. Mom was living with me at the time. I packed up some items that I knew she treasured over the years. When I unpacked them, after my return from the closing, she did not remember any of the items and had forgotten their importance. They were precious to me because they were important to her but dementia had stolen those precious memories from her.
I confess that I sat on the floor of our old home and cried my eyes out. I did not feel any guilt but a deep, deep sadness.
That's a great way to think about all of our loved one's treasures. They don't remember them, you do, but you also can't always hold on to what was. No one ever comes back, but memories do. Keep the memories, get rid of the posessions.
When my husband and I cleaned out mommas house before she went into assisted living with no help from siblings I was sad. That house was the last time I saw dad alive. Momma on the other hand was resentful towards me that I got rid of too many things. She went from a 2400 Sq ft house to a one room studio apt. Everything wouldn't fit? I included her in the decisions of what to keep and what to get rid of but thats momma. She has been very resentful of me since we lost dad and I became poa and primary caregiver.
After my dad passed, I had two very vivid dreams where he came back, and was upset/feelings hurt that I’d sold his house, closed his accounts etc. It was awful.
Rather than guilt, I think I felt deep sadness as we took care of my in-law's home and belongings. Fil designed the house and laid every brick in it in 1957 and in 2012 we sold the house after they both passed. We knew no one would love that house the way my husband's family had. As it turned out, the next door neighbor bought it for his son. But I don't want to go back and visit the old neighborhood because too many things were changed on the house and it triggers my husband (dementia).
i have no children, and all my siblings are now gone and all their pictures make me sad and i had a stroke and i have someone come in to help me shower 3x a week from care.com. my niece and nephew or a nursing home will get my house. its only pictures.
I felt a deep anger at my in-laws when I began cleaning their house for sale. My FiL passed the previous summer and never threw a piece of paper away (ie taxes, work papers, etc). My MiL shopped and shopped and had more shoes than Imelda Marcos, costume jewelry crap, the same outfit in a rainbow of colors with the tags still on them, more curtains in their packaging, clothes never used, etc. The house smelled f urine and dog poop since they didn’t walk their dogs. There was rotten food in the fridge. The house was falling apart.
It was a travesty and my husband was so angry at his mother he didn’t want to clean the house, deal with her or anything. It took 1.5 months to clear all the trash out and about 6 months to fix everything and put it up for sale. My MIL was angry the house was sold but she wasn’t going to return. She thought it was haunted.
My MIL is a crazy nut, difficult, angry and demented. All the frustration and anger is really directed at her that she didn’t do to make life easier for her family to help her.
Your MIL didn't die right? Of course you have a right to be angry, but to be honest I'd be angry with my husband and his siblings for not doing this long ago with things that didn't need to be kept. I just went through that with my husband's Aunt. We owned the house. Hubby inherited from his mother who had given the Aunt life tenancy for $300 monthly. That wasn't enough to pay taxes, do repairs or pay the insurance. She never bothered to tell us when something needed to be repaired. At least she wasn't a hoarder. Her not talking to us cost us probably $50K loss on the sale of the house. I only wished I'd told my husband or MIL when she was still alive that the amount she set should be adjusted a certain rate as the economy changed.
When my mother passed, my father was still living. I was angry at him that he wanted me to go through my mother's things and get rid of them. She was barely in the ground. I cried the entire time. I still miss her and it's probably been 15 years. I still have the love for my mother I'd always had, but I also knew getting rid of her things wasn't going to bring her back.
When my grandmother passed (mom's) I helped my parents and an uncle and aunt clear out the house. Thank heaven gramma had the foresight to label who got what piece of furniture, nick-knack or what. I had the memories of holidays there with her. I felt no sadness, only happy memories and one last connection.
Different things, different emotions with different can elicit many different reactions.
BeckyR2023: Actually extreme sadness is what I felt when I left my mother's house for the last time, having had to live there to provide care for her and then marketing the house for sale since I did not reside in the same state.
Same for me. My parent's house was 85 miles away and across a state border. And it was primarily me by myself clearing most of it and getting it ready for sale. It made me so sad to sell the place that was where I had loved my parents in their elder years. Dad passed a few years ago, and I'm not sure mom even really remembers much about that house now. She hasn't asked about it in several months.
I’m one of those people who has a hard time getting rid of things in general. Right when my wife died my sister helps me get rid of most of her clothes. But now I am faced with all the other stuff. The longer I wait the harder it gets it’s only been 8 weeks. The hardest items are all the medical items like the hospital bed. It brings back sad memories (it’s for sale). There are things she loved that are hard to get rid of too. But then there are other days I just want everything gone so I can start a new life.
Yes it's normal, but it's also necessary. You have a future and a life to live and shouldn't be burdened by possessions that aren't serving a function. Do what's necessary for yourself to move forward. Take pictures of sentimental objects that you can't keep. You can enjoy them in pictures. Don't worry, you won't forget your loved one. You don't need "things" to remind you.
It was 7 years ago yesterday that my Husband died. I still have some of his shirts in a closet. (I don't use that closet so I don't realize the clothes are there until I need to grab something out of that room) I still wear some of his shirts, I wear his flannels like a light jacket. I have over the years found items that my s-kids would like so I pack them up and send them south or up the street.
I think what you are feeling rather than "guilt" is grief, mourning, loss, an end of a time. Emotions are sometimes difficult to figure out, we are to quick to use the word "guilt" What you are feeling is normal. What you are doing is normal. BUT...If it makes you feel better pack a few things in a box. Put a note on the box. Word it this way... "If by November 1, 2024 this box has not been opened do not open. Discard or donate." I have at least 2 boxes in a spare bedroom labeled with a note that basically instructs my sister to not open the box, to discard it after my death. The boxes have all the notes from caregivers and his medical printout from Hospice. I could toss them now, maybe I will get around to it this winter. (I now have a project!)
But if there are items that you want to keep like an old shirt, a sweater do not let anyone discourage you. You do what feels right to you. Just know that what you are feeling is normal.
I think it’s normal. You have to do what you have to do depending on your circumstance.
In my circumstance, I lived and cared for my LO at home until the last six weeks of her life. She fell and was in the hospital then rehab where she died Nov. 2, 2022.
I continue to live here, everything in our home is in the same place it was when she died.
Even her eyeglasses are still on the kitchen table where she spent time.
Somebody will have this place when I die, so I decided to leave everything as is, and let the next person clear stuff out.
Think of it as the opposite of guilt. You would end up as a hoarder. Just choose a couple of small items for your own memories. Take photos if you like. In the end, you will feel so much relief. Remember that even as you age, you will eventually need to downsize some of your own belongings.
If their belongings spark emotional responses in you, then you may have a hard time letting go of their things. Think about "rehoming" their belongings to those who will truly enjoy/benefit from them. This can create loving memories as you struggle to "let go".
I wish I can sell the house right now, but we cannot.
But when that time finally comes, I will happily obtain the biggest dumpster I can find to get rid of every last bit of everything. There's nothing of value, and I don't want a damn thing anyway. It's all just a reminder of how freaking miserable my life has been dealing with my parents issues and how it will continue to be until this slog is finally over. I don't want to bring any toxic reminders of it into my home.
This. Absolutely this. I told my DH I’d set a match to it all if I could. He’s talking about getting a dumpster etc. There is a huge box of photos from my early childhood, and when my parents were still married. Some happier photos when we’re teens before we knew really how many problems my mother had. I don’t even care to save the photos, because they will smell like her house.
Good luck.
Cleaning out my mother’s house I feel more frustration than anything. How did the previous generation get talked into acquiring so much stuff? Everyday dishes, everyday cutlery, everyday cups and glasses and mugs, luncheon china, dinner china, silverware, crystal... figurine collections... It seems such a waste. I resent being made out to be horrible because I don’t want to get rid of all my junk to make room for her vastly superior and clearly more tasteful belongings. <a sarcasm font would be handy here>
When old people die, leaving a houseful of things, this is what you do:
1) You and your siblings fight over the valuable items, like good antiques, artwork of value, and the silver. You may need to call in an appraiser for this part, to divide it all fairly.
2) You have a tag sale for the rest of it, the stuff not even Goodwill wants. You’d be surprised what junk browsers will buy!
3) What remains unsold after the tag sale, you put in a dumpster.
Our mother had moved long before her death, but when my sisters were here for the funeral we went to the house where we grew up and asked if we could visit to remind ourselves about it. It turned out that the people who originally bought from us had lived there for 30 plus years and made very few changes. It had been sold recently, and the new owners were genuinely interested to hear some history for the house and the neighborhood.
It’s an emotional time, but don’t think that everything has gone and you will have nothing to remember!
I recently visited my old family home. This elicited a lot of memories and anger at one of my brothers. I understand Mom and Dad, being in advanced age couldn't keep everything fixed and pristine. Brother lived near them, he took it upon himself to let things go, rent to floppers. The current owners called it the "frat house". They were happy to find out what and who was where when we grew up. What used to be. They had completely redone the home back into the era it was built and beautiful again. That was comforting to me.
And yes, the emptying of the memories of a lifetime carries enormous grief, and over time sometimes a sense of finally letting go, knowing that we can none of us take our beloved "stuff" with us. I have finally, at 81 got myself down to my Dad's confirmation bible from his mother (Ca. 1916). And a baby shoe, leather, of mine and one of my bro's. The rest has gone, or gone in case of special jewelry or whatever, to my daughter. Even with THAT, my "guilt" now rests with leaving her too many pictures from the 20s and 30s. I have a note on the box, "look once and toss".
Sure, it's very hard. We know the joy and love people took in their "stuff", whatEVER it was their treasured. We identify it with the person themselves. It's very tough to let things go, but what a service it is for our kids, who already have too much "stuff" of their own.
Realistically, save some mementos in Memory of your loved one, and realize how impossible it is to save everything. You're not doing anything wrong or anything any one of us didn't go through already. It's hard, that's for sure.
But the memories live on in our hearts and minds forever, not in objects anyway.
Me, after cleaning out Moms house I started on mine. What is left should get my girls some money. I hope to really downsize in the next few years to a smaller place so there will be even less.
I confess that I sat on the floor of our old home and cried my eyes out. I did not feel any guilt but a deep, deep sadness.
It was a travesty and my husband was so angry at his mother he didn’t want to clean the house, deal with her or anything. It took 1.5 months to clear all the trash out and about 6 months to fix everything and put it up for sale. My MIL was angry the house was sold but she wasn’t going to return. She thought it was haunted.
My MIL is a crazy nut, difficult, angry and demented. All the frustration and anger is really directed at her that she didn’t do to make life easier for her family to help her.
When my mother passed, my father was still living. I was angry at him that he wanted me to go through my mother's things and get rid of them. She was barely in the ground. I cried the entire time. I still miss her and it's probably been 15 years. I still have the love for my mother I'd always had, but I also knew getting rid of her things wasn't going to bring her back.
When my grandmother passed (mom's) I helped my parents and an uncle and aunt clear out the house. Thank heaven gramma had the foresight to label who got what piece of furniture, nick-knack or what. I had the memories of holidays there with her. I felt no sadness, only happy memories and one last connection.
Different things, different emotions with different can elicit many different reactions.
I still have some of his shirts in a closet. (I don't use that closet so I don't realize the clothes are there until I need to grab something out of that room)
I still wear some of his shirts, I wear his flannels like a light jacket.
I have over the years found items that my s-kids would like so I pack them up and send them south or up the street.
I think what you are feeling rather than "guilt" is grief, mourning, loss, an end of a time.
Emotions are sometimes difficult to figure out, we are to quick to use the word "guilt"
What you are feeling is normal.
What you are doing is normal.
BUT...If it makes you feel better pack a few things in a box. Put a note on the box. Word it this way...
"If by November 1, 2024 this box has not been opened do not open. Discard or donate."
I have at least 2 boxes in a spare bedroom labeled with a note that basically instructs my sister to not open the box, to discard it after my death. The boxes have all the notes from caregivers and his medical printout from Hospice. I could toss them now, maybe I will get around to it this winter. (I now have a project!)
But if there are items that you want to keep like an old shirt, a sweater do not let anyone discourage you. You do what feels right to you. Just know that what you are feeling is normal.
In my circumstance, I lived and cared for my LO at home until the last six weeks of her life. She fell and was in the hospital then rehab where she died Nov. 2, 2022.
I continue to live here, everything in our home is in the same place it was when she died.
Even her eyeglasses are still on the kitchen table where she spent time.
Somebody will have this place when I die, so I decided to leave everything as is, and let the next person clear stuff out.
Is it normal to have bad feelings - totally! Iff you did not, it would be unusual!
But when that time finally comes, I will happily obtain the biggest dumpster I can find to get rid of every last bit of everything. There's nothing of value, and I don't want a damn thing anyway. It's all just a reminder of how freaking miserable my life has been dealing with my parents issues and how it will continue to be until this slog is finally over. I don't want to bring any toxic reminders of it into my home.
I don't feel sentimental in the least.