I boxed up and sold our childhood home. Mom was living with me at the time. I packed up some items that I knew she treasured over the years. When I unpacked them, after my return from the closing, she did not remember any of the items and had forgotten their importance. They were precious to me because they were important to her but dementia had stolen those precious memories from her.
I confess that I sat on the floor of our old home and cried my eyes out. I did not feel any guilt but a deep, deep sadness.
That's a great way to think about all of our loved one's treasures. They don't remember them, you do, but you also can't always hold on to what was. No one ever comes back, but memories do. Keep the memories, get rid of the posessions.
BeckyR2023: Actually extreme sadness is what I felt when I left my mother's house for the last time, having had to live there to provide care for her and then marketing the house for sale since I did not reside in the same state.
Same for me. My parent's house was 85 miles away and across a state border. And it was primarily me by myself clearing most of it and getting it ready for sale. It made me so sad to sell the place that was where I had loved my parents in their elder years. Dad passed a few years ago, and I'm not sure mom even really remembers much about that house now. She hasn't asked about it in several months.
I was tasked with this after both my parents died. I cleaned out my mother’s belongings first, and then my dad’s a number of years later, then sold their home. It brought a sadness to see it all go, along with a little guilt over a few items that I knew were precious to them but not wanted by anyone in the family. It also brought relief to see a chapter close after some really hard years for them both. And it also brought hope, their belongings could be used by people who needed them, who could enjoy them anew. Their home could bring a new family times of happiness and memories just as it had for us. I guess it’s often in how you view it and shifting your thoughts is helpful. I wish you peace
Of course. It's their 'stuff' after all, and they can't make the decisions themselves. It would have been lovely if they could have, so it can be a bit of a sad time. You just have to do the best you can, and know that you're doing it in their best interests.
Think of it as the opposite of guilt. You would end up as a hoarder. Just choose a couple of small items for your own memories. Take photos if you like. In the end, you will feel so much relief. Remember that even as you age, you will eventually need to downsize some of your own belongings.
Yup, certainly in the normal range. Hopefully, it's not too too bad. It's got to be done so we have to "put on our big girl panties" and do things like this even when they're uncomfortable.
Well, “guilty” means you did a naughty thing, and of course you didn’t! What, precisely, would have been your other option? Setting up a museum with all your parents’ old stuff? Preserving it for posterity?
When old people die, leaving a houseful of things, this is what you do:
1) You and your siblings fight over the valuable items, like good antiques, artwork of value, and the silver. You may need to call in an appraiser for this part, to divide it all fairly.
2) You have a tag sale for the rest of it, the stuff not even Goodwill wants. You’d be surprised what junk browsers will buy!
3) What remains unsold after the tag sale, you put in a dumpster.
You'd be surprised at the money we "junk browsers" make at tag sales where people are selling loved ones possessions they want to be rid of but have no idea of their value! 😊
Guilt? You didn't cause any of these woes. Guilt assumes malice aforethought, planning to hurt someone, responsibility for the pain. You have none of that here. The best G-word would be grief.
And yes, the emptying of the memories of a lifetime carries enormous grief, and over time sometimes a sense of finally letting go, knowing that we can none of us take our beloved "stuff" with us. I have finally, at 81 got myself down to my Dad's confirmation bible from his mother (Ca. 1916). And a baby shoe, leather, of mine and one of my bro's. The rest has gone, or gone in case of special jewelry or whatever, to my daughter. Even with THAT, my "guilt" now rests with leaving her too many pictures from the 20s and 30s. I have a note on the box, "look once and toss".
Sure, it's very hard. We know the joy and love people took in their "stuff", whatEVER it was their treasured. We identify it with the person themselves. It's very tough to let things go, but what a service it is for our kids, who already have too much "stuff" of their own.
Yes, it's normal. If we could shrink down and box up our loved ones homes and possessions and save them forever, most of us "sentimentalists" would do just that. We feel like we're giving away our loved ones themselves when we have to sell off their belongings, or donate them. And selling the house feels like the family home is going to someone else who won't value it like WE did.
Realistically, save some mementos in Memory of your loved one, and realize how impossible it is to save everything. You're not doing anything wrong or anything any one of us didn't go through already. It's hard, that's for sure.
But the memories live on in our hearts and minds forever, not in objects anyway.
I confess that I sat on the floor of our old home and cried my eyes out. I did not feel any guilt but a deep, deep sadness.
Good luck.
When old people die, leaving a houseful of things, this is what you do:
1) You and your siblings fight over the valuable items, like good antiques, artwork of value, and the silver. You may need to call in an appraiser for this part, to divide it all fairly.
2) You have a tag sale for the rest of it, the stuff not even Goodwill wants. You’d be surprised what junk browsers will buy!
3) What remains unsold after the tag sale, you put in a dumpster.
And yes, the emptying of the memories of a lifetime carries enormous grief, and over time sometimes a sense of finally letting go, knowing that we can none of us take our beloved "stuff" with us. I have finally, at 81 got myself down to my Dad's confirmation bible from his mother (Ca. 1916). And a baby shoe, leather, of mine and one of my bro's. The rest has gone, or gone in case of special jewelry or whatever, to my daughter. Even with THAT, my "guilt" now rests with leaving her too many pictures from the 20s and 30s. I have a note on the box, "look once and toss".
Sure, it's very hard. We know the joy and love people took in their "stuff", whatEVER it was their treasured. We identify it with the person themselves. It's very tough to let things go, but what a service it is for our kids, who already have too much "stuff" of their own.
Realistically, save some mementos in Memory of your loved one, and realize how impossible it is to save everything. You're not doing anything wrong or anything any one of us didn't go through already. It's hard, that's for sure.
But the memories live on in our hearts and minds forever, not in objects anyway.
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