Is it normal to feel angry?

Is it normal to feel angry and frustrated? Yes ! It would be abnormal if you did not feel that way at times- but give yourself a break - what you are doing is difficult and it’s also hard to watch our parent or spouses become less than the person they were !

Anger normal? Yes!! You have a right to your feelings. You didn’t expect to have to babysit a grown man who is refusing to do anything for himself. Something is not right and needs to be diagnosed. Has he been checked for dementia. I agree he could be depressed but you can’t give someone meds against their wishes. Get the doctor on board and have a private chat with him before he sees your dad.
Have you thought of leveling with your dad and have a face to face talk? Tell him this is extremely hard on you and you can’t go on like this much longer. He must do something about his apathy if he loves you. Otherwise he will have to move. Then see what he says. If he wants a cup of tea, tell him where the fixings are and if he wants it badly enough he will make it. So far, he’s got you going ahead and fixing it. You’re not his maid servant. It sounds like he’s quite capable. I assume you’re in the UK because you said "biscuits " for cookies. Can’t you take him to the NHS doctor? You deserve a life. Go with him and be blunt in front of your dad and the doctor and explain this is too much on you.

Are you able to get CBD oil where you live? If you aren’t familiar it is made from the hemp plant. It’s very good for anxiety. A drop under the tongue a couple of times a day is helpful. He might also notice an increased appetite and that he sleeps better.
Also check out the book “Being Mortal, Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande. You can google it and get an idea of what it’s about. You might find it helpful for this time in your and dad’s life.
One last thing is if he will eat an egg a day, it will help with frailty. It must be frustrating to be away from your home and husband. Try the cbd oil yourself before you give it to your dad so you can see how subtle the effect is and you will notice it helps relax you as well.

Diazepam is anti anxiety, not an antidepressant. It will not get him moving more, rather the opposite. It might be worth talking to his dr about an antidepressant.

If he doesn't want to take that, could you crush up a half dose and give it to him in apple sauce or pudding? A lower dose will lessen the side effects and may still help his mood. Then increase it once he is used to it. If he has another panic attack you might try that with the Diazepam.

Mother was canny, and knew right away by the effect on her when they were giving her meds, so she refused them. But it works for some people.

I am sure he is depressed but he would never admit to it. The doc gave him some Diazapam a few weeks ago as he had panic attacks but he's not used to meds so he didn't like the drowsy feeling he had with them.

Oh, and BTW, yes it is normal to feel angry. You are probably doing some grieving seeing your dad decline. It is painful to watch and hard to adjust to the new realities.

Get him into a senior center program where he can make some friends and be encouraged to at least a little activity - even if it's just walking across the room to pick up his own coffee/tea.

A checkup might be in line, just to make sure he's okay and see if he's depressed. Would he agree to any therapy for his legs?

I get why people who are 89 years old might say things about it being near the end. In a way they are right. Can you think of a few ways to put some spark or interest back into the day? I know it's hard, but, sometimes visits from children or long time friends help lift the spirits. Would he be up for a drive to the seashore or a lake? There is really only so much you can do.

I'm of the belief that seniors really have the right to just relax and do what they want as they turn into their 80's and 90's, as long as it's safe. Goodness knows they must be tired. For some people, getting out of bed, bathed and dressed for the day is a big deal. As long as he's content, I'd support his wishes. Maybe, he's content and just resting. I'd try to accept his choices and not impute upon him the way you think he should be behaving. Sometimes, kindness and support can be the best remedy.

I agree that trying an antidepressant is a good idea. He may be depressed and he may be declining and not feeling well, or both. We don't live forever.

A thorough medical check up could be a good thing to rule out any health issues.

Meanwhile, take it easy on yourself. This journey is not over and worse may lie ahead. You can only do what you can do -keep him as safe as possible, nourished, and with proper medical care. He will get frailer eventually no matter how much he does. It is a matter of his age. You need to look after yourself so you can care for him. Good luck!

You are a wonderful person for trying to care for this 89 year old man. Been in the business for 15 years. This age gets so they just don't see any point in living anymore. So they think if they just sit and do nothing, they will die. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way!
Now my Mother in Law is 97. She keep asking me WHY AM I ALIVE? So you go over, make sure they are up, dressed. Feed the dog, don't let him neglect the dog. The dog is being more mature than he is! If he sits there all day, he sits there all day. Make sure he is safe. Check for signs of nutrition. Like dirty dishes, or food gone. They play games with you. They say those things for reinforcement that they matter to someone. Turn into a detective. My Mother in Law eats, then gets rid of all the evidence. But I know where to look. Then go home and take care of yourself and your life. You have done your best.

Take him to the doctor to see if he needs an antidepressant.