Is it normal to feel angry?

Dear Julie,

Its hard caring for an elderly parent. Your feelings are completely understandable. Its hard seeing our parents like this because we wish so much things could be different. My dad was very stubborn. Towards the end, I just gave up on him. I let him be and after his passing, I felt this was horrible mistake.

Are you able to talk to his doctor? Arrange for him to join a senior's daycare? Or for him to get out into the community or to the mall? Just something to get him out of the house.

It could he is good and tired and just wants to stay home and watch TV.  Its just so hard and I wish it was easier, but I feel this is one of life's hardest journeys to see our parents age and decline.

Hi there!
I don’t have any real advice, I just want to offer support. My mom is 93.. I live with her in her house and she does the exact same thing.

i get so frustrated because I feel she is so lucky to still have her health and mental facilities but she wants to just wither away away and die?

It ultimately falls to me to keep her going sometimes and I resent it so much! For her to want to give up and die when I’ve worked so hard to keep her alive?

Then sometimes I wonder how much more selfish can I get? Am I doing this for me or for her? Well, if she were in pain or had trouble breathing or some other medical problem I could understand better. It’s the not trying that gets me.

All i I can say to make you feel better is she goes in and out of behaving like this. She loses some strength every time she does this but she gets back on track depending on what she’s interested or how she feels about things at the time. I can’t keep things smooth around her. I wish I could, but I can’t control what the family is up to, or the news, or the weather. Being at home exposes her to life and that’s the good part of it for her, I’m certain of that.

I just have to share that lately, I see her sit in her chair and come up with things to get depressed about. She works herself into a good cry sometimes.

Thats hard to take but but at least she’s still moving around while she’s sad. It’s usually in response to me “yelling” at her. It’s true I have to yell all the time because she doesn’t wear her hearing aide. I need to watch my tone with her, I agree, one of my goals is to help her retain her dignity, and I need to keep mindful of that.

But its damned hard sometimes, that’s for sure.

My 92 y/o mother has now decided she can barely move............was doing fine with a walker, etc, but now she can't sit up on her own. Barely moves from the chair and has become quite a load for the caregivers to deal with at the ALF where she lives. I called her yesterday and said the following: Mother, if you choose to become a vegetable, that will cause you to be bedridden. If you are bedridden, we will have no other choice but to put you into a nursing home and you won't be happy with that, will you? Now suck it up and do the physical therapy with the therapists instead of cancelling the appointments with one excuse or another. Do YOUR part or the choices will become severely limited.

You, my dear, will become unable to care for your father if he chooses to put himself into a vegetative state. You certainly cannot lift him up if/when he falls, so you'll have to call 911 each time. Once he's hospitalized, they may choose to only release him to a rehab facility if he is THAT immobilized. This is the future of HIS choice, so he needs to make some wise decisions. My mother is famous for saying things like, "Just throw me out in the street and let me rot" or "Just let me die in peace" or other ridiculously inappropriate remarks which only exacerbate an already tense situation. What they refuse to realize is we're trying to save them FROM themselves. It's sometimes a futile effort, isn't it?

You have my sympathy. Good luck

McDonald's, Burger King, or just about any fast food restaurant, library, Grocery store like Walmart,. They're always looking to hire older people. It gets them out of the house and doing something.

I hope it is, because I'm furious at this very moment.
Mom thinks everyone except her has changed when she doesn't get her way. She fires her sitter at least once a week, and I have to play referee between them. At this point, she refuses to wear hearing aids, and denies that we all have to shout at her at the top of our lungs in order for her to hear us. I'm going deaf from my tv volume being on 80-100 whenever she wants to watch her shows. I have seasons dvr'd because she refuses to even consider watching my shows. And yes, I feel really sorry and guilty for feeling this way. So if it's not normal, then you and I (and I bet almost everyone on this forum) are not normal. But I think it is normal, and WE deserve our feelings too.
I am also dealing with my 36 year old daughter being diagnosed with medullary thyroid cancer and her upcoming thyroidectomy, but I can't tell mom because I don't want to stress her out.

What are you sorry for? Because you are a human and you cannot take the emotional roller coaster he is putting you on? He is old, he is stubborn, and it is going to get worse and worse until you end up like him. Perhaps you loved him at one time when he was more "normal" but it is obvious he is no longer that person. In the meantime, love the dog and feed the poor dog - not the dog's fault. Then find a place to put him where he can be cared for. And as to lashing out at him when he exhibits this horrible behavior, I'd be screaming at him too - because I am human and I should NOT have to accept or put up with this behavior, no matter what the reason or if he is God or the devil. Take care of yourself and that poor dog.

Hi JulieKac,

i know exactly how you feel. Been there and done that and yes, I got angry too.

I live with my 93 year old mom and for several months this past year she wouldn’t even get out of bed. I had in home therapists here 3 different times and she’d be ok with them but decline afterward.

I finally got the family to take notice of it in the spring of this year when she tried to pull it again. and she ended up in the hospital severely constipated.

The family was all all upset with her after second day being in bed soaked with piss when they literally picked her up and took her to ER. She’d been doing it for weeks at a time and I couldn’t budge her. When I told them they said, “she’s just old, tut tut.” They never even came to see us.

When she went to ER, She hadn’t gone to the bathroom for ten days and it took six more days before she finally had a bm in hospital. She could have been plugged up for weeks before that. I gave her a stool softener twice a day and thought I had it covered.

I dont know if that was the problem the other 3 times or not but I was in a constant state of rage. Yes, she lost a lot of mobility from it all. She’s diabetic but otherwise is healthy except for aches and pains.

I cant abide by someone acting helpless when they’re doing NOTHING to help themselves.

They create so much extra work for us then sit and whine about what they can’t do. Then she cried that I was so mean to her or hollared, “just let me die!”

I used to spend my days going to her bed and stamping my foot about her getting up all day every day, and try as I might to be civil to her I had to avoid her to keep from shouting at her, while I lived in a state of rage for months.

I love her and I don’t mind helping her even as she gets frailer every day. But I won’t stand around and watch her just give up and die right in front of me.

I kept thinking to myself myself during all that, “she’s not even sick! She’s here in her own home being taken care of, the bills are paid, there’s food in the fridge, she could go out and smell the roses if she would. Wtf is wrong with her?! She is so lucky compared to some poor old folks!”

I feel your pain. When she had physical therapist come in, the doctor ordered it for strength building and fall prevention.it was covered by her Medicare insurance carrier. Maybe you can try that.

Good luck, charlotte

Try enrolling him in a adult day care program 1 day a week to start. Maybe being around his peers will gi e him some motivation.

absolutely normal. it's your right

It is absolutely normal to feel angry, but you can get through it with the Lord's help with prayer and meditation on scripture. You may find this suggestion silly, but prayer works. You just have to believe.

Yes it is normal! We’ve all been there. I hope you will be able to rest and feel better soon.

I truly understand I have been taking care of my mom for three and a half years now I have four sister's but only one of them come to help me I get so burn out angry 😡 and frustrated at times I find myself getting angry at my mom like when I'm trying to give her her medicine and she won't take it because unlike your dad my mom is on different types of medication and sometimes she will not take her them sometimes she will not drink water for me or nothing like that and I get frustrated and I do raise my voice at her afterwards I feel so guilty about it until I find myself crying about the whole situation and then I will go back apologize to her and I'll explain to her how sorry I'm and didn't intend to do that because I know that you did not raise us that way and even though I apologized to her I still feel very bad ☹️ about it and disheartened because I feel like I disrespected her so yes I do understand

Anyone that says they have not been angry at some point is....lying.
Anyone that says they have not gotten mad at that person they are caring for is...lying.
These are all normal feelings
You feel anger, maybe anger is strong, frustration might be better, at the store clerk that rings up an item wrong, that decides to change the roll of paper just as you are next in line.
Why do we feel that we can not be angry at the person we are caring for? Is there some magic in having XXX condition that makes us think that it is wrong to have "normal" feelings?
The difference is you can not express the anger in a normal way. And on top of that most of the people we here are caring for do not know why we get angry.
What you have to do is change the way you think about what is going on.
If a person breaks a foot there is a cast and you know they can not use stairs, are limited in mobility, maybe can not do all the chores they were doing before.
But if the brain is broken there is no outward sign that there is a problem. so it is easy to forget that there are changes to what this person can and can not do.
While change is difficult for everyone it is much easier to change OUR thinking than to change the thinking of a person who has a broken brain.
So the anger is normal. You have to channel that anger, find a safe way to let off steam and vent the anger. There are a lot of ideas for taking care of the caregiver you just have to find one that works for you. Most important, do not feel guilty about your feelings.

side thoughts..
Your dad may also be depressed to a degree and that can have a profound effect on what he does or does not do.
And you are away from your home, friends...so the feelings you have are compounded. (you list 2 places New York as well as Turkey and your father in England so no matter where you are you are away from home and away from your personal support group.)

When you say he had a full check-up two weeks ago, what was checked?

IT IS NOT UNUSUAL FOR ONE TO BE ANGRY SO DON'T FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE YOU ARE. IT IS GOOD THAT YOU HAVE RECOGNIZED THIS AND WILL HELP YOU IN BEING ABLE TO TAKE ACTIONS.

IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY. RECOGNIZING THAT IS THE FIRST IMPORTANT STEP IN LEARNING TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER. I WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU TO SPEAK WITH A COUNSELOR WHO CAN HELP YOU CHANNEL THE ANGER AND DEVELOP SOME STRATEGIES TO HELP HANDLE THE ANGER. YOU MIGHT ALSO TAKE HIM TO SEE A COUNSELOR TO SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.

HAS SOMETHING RECENTLY OCCURED LIKE LOSING A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIENDS? WAS HE GOING OUT SOMEWHERE AND GAVE UP ON THAT? IS THERE ANYTHING HE LIKED TO DO BUT NOW CAN'T?

YOU MIGHT ALSO CHECK WITH LOCAL DEPT. OF AGING TO SEE IF THEY HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS.

WHO PAYS HIS BILLS, BUYS NEW CLOTHES, DOES TAXES? YOU MIGHT EXPLORE MAKING SURE HE HAS WILL, POA, HEALTH CARE DIRECTIVES
YOU SAY HE HAS NO HEALTH ISSUES - I PRESUME THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN HIM TO A DOCTOR TO MAKE SURE OF THAT?

DO YOU HAVE OTHER FAMILY TO HELP YOU? I PRESUME THAT HE LIVES WITH YOU?

My sister who is Now Dad's Caregiver since Mom Passed Away, Has Had similar problems but no Matter What, they love one another enough to Work it out.
Don
Don't feel guilty. Let Dad know when you are upset and that he doesn't Need to be Difficult, That YOU are There because you Care.

You have it good. My 89 year old mom cannot talk other than a few words..at best. She cannot do anything, and she does not even remember how to move her bowels or swallow food. Even getting her to walk or brush her teeth is a major stressful ordeal and this is my everyday life.

I felt the exactly the same way with my late father when he was 89. I used to cry every night to let my frustration out. Mind you, I’m disabled. Not knowing that he was dying of lungs cancer, the last thing he did was stopped feeding me, and he was so much in pain. I figured that my dad giving up life at that point.

Your father sound he is given up life, and ready to die soon. Be prepare for that. Did you ask him if he’s in pain Take him to his doctor, and let him be checked out. Maybe, he’s not telling you what’s wrong. Speak to his doctor for next step... Good luck, and hugs.

Julie. the first question social services will ask is: what does your father want to do?

If he wants to stay in his home, they will organise support. Yes he will have to pay, up to the stated threshold; but he may be eligible for various benefits and allowances, and in any case the important thing is to get him on the right radar. How long has he been living in this bungalow, and how long has he been registered with the careline?

If it is felt he would do better in a more sheltered and better supported environment, there may be quite a wide range of options short of residential care or a nursing home as such. It depends on where he is, it can be a bit of a post code lottery.

But most of all, get to the bottom of his health. Has he been referred to a geriatrician? Or an older age psychiatrist? His despondency, going by remarks such as "if I'm still here next week," needs addressing. More to the point: what *changed*? He'd been living quite happily with his little dog in his little house until a few months ago: now he's filled with dread and anxiety and can barely get himself out of his chair. You must surely realise better than I do that this isn't about a hidden water leak.

Getting a GP to agree to a home visit requires more than an acceptance that "oh, he never likes coming to the surgery." Do you have full access to his medical history? If the file is really as empty as all that, do you have full confidence in his GP? - 'cos I wouldn't, I can tell you.

This isn't a private GP, is it? Just checking.

Hey, I'm angry and I have a semi-healthy, still working DH at home.

BUT--he's like dragging a horse to the water trough to get him to take care of himself. He has quite a few health issues and one will be the one that takes him-- (liver transplant--14 years in, with a 20-25 year life expectancy---tho he's healthy now, he does think about maybe only having 6+ more years has brought on anxiety and depression)

He had 2 heart attacks last summer. Brought on by never exercising and eating garbage. He was such a jerk as a patient. I literally went to wash my hair about 6 weeks after the 2nd HA and saw that my hair growing in was pure white. Just stress.

He won't socialize. He works, comes home, eats dinner and is in bed with his phone on to Facebook and the TV blaring so loud the walls shake. This is his plan for retirement. Sleep all day. Which he does, all weekend, every weekend. And I don't mean "napping" I mean, he does not get up from Friday at 8 pm until Monday morning.

We've been through SO MUCH. And he is never grateful or happy. He is a complete 180 of the man I married. Never touches me or shows any affection.

Trying so hard to not be angry. I have five WONDERFUL kids on whom I lean as little as possible for love and support. If nothing else came out of this marriage, these kids did and for that, I am grateful.

I did reach out to his psychiatrist whom he will see next week. I am hoping she will up his dose of antidepessants--but I don't have a lot of faith. I'm not sure she even knows he's married, that's how little he cares.

I realize a marriage is a very different dynamic than caring for your father. But the end result is the same. Living with someone who is just crabby and uninvolved is SO hard.

My therapist told me to create a "single woman's" life. I am doing so, slowly, finding things to do that aren't in the least tied to him. Here I am, 62 years old and married to a man who acts like a 90 yo. He's angry, crabby, wants to argue with everyone about politics....and wonders why nobody wants to do things with us.

Anger is a secondary emotion. We feel it when we are frustrated and exhausted and tired and burned out. Finding the true emotion is hard.

My DH suffered from anxiety and panic attacks MANY times. I cannot tell you how many ER runs we did, b/c he always thought he was having a HA. SO when he HAD the heart attack, I kind of blew him off. (MEN don't have anxiety)

I learned to grind up his Valium and put it in a pudding cup or something--wait 1/2 hour and he usually was asleep in that time. I have an anxiety disorder and so I KNOW panic attacks are awful--but they are treatable.

Try to get away, disengage from him as much as possible and try to not take his cranky mood personally. (I need to take my own advice on that).

Bless you---CG is so hard.

I am sure Dad thinks he's reaching the end, and sometimes I admit I feel that too. It makes me very anxious as I can't really sleep properly. I get up every couple of hours in the night to check on him.

YES it's quite normal. I've been doing what should have been a two-week death watch for seven months now. It's very common for me to get in the car by myself and give a lengthy primal scream. My greatest personal accomplishment so far has been ridding myself of the guilt. When I took over the finances I discovered my relative had burned me for a substantial amount of money. That anger burned for weeks!!! I got past it by having a frank discussion with her - I told her I will do what I can to make her comfortable, take care of her meds, meals and doctors appointments, but don't ever expect any emotional support cuz I just ain't got it for her. She has church members and friends for that. We've reached an acceptable impasse and each of us wishes for this to end as soon as possible. I hope that helps.

Julie, being in the UK I am very much aware of how difficult it is to get a GP to visit your home, and how unusual it would be for a GP to prescribe Diazepam as a first line approach. What I'm asking is: what else has happened?

Six months ago your father had panic attacks. Why? What investigations have been done? Who has lead responsibility for his welfare when you are not in the country? Who is providing the regular carers? Is your father in sheltered housing, on his own in the community, or what?

The thing is: you quite naturally need to get home to your husband, but before you can do that you need to formulate a proper care plan for your father; but in order to do that you need a much clearer picture of what is going on with him. What options are you looking at?

What you are feeling is very normal. You have moved from child to parent and it does not feel comfortable. You are also dealing with a heavy dose of male depression. Do you have any idea what has caused it?
Yes, it is normal to feel frustrated and even lash out in anger. You are not really lashing out at him. You are really lashing out at the situation.
Having been there and now having a 20/20 vision because Mom and Dad are gone, I see these things that you might want to consider: 1) Tell him how you frustrated you feel when you see him like this. 2) Recognize his depression. Get some insight into depression in the elderly. 3) Find out if something is bothering him physically. 4) Get some advice from a mental health professional re: depression and care-giving. 5) Apologize and reconcile when you have a moment like the lashing out. You won't be sorry.
Hope something in there helps... Praying for you.

Don't feel bad about yourself, you are not doing anything wrong. I recommend you ask his friends and family to make regular visits. Perhaps someone could read to him, play some music or share a meal.

Do not serve him meals in his favorite chair. Make him get up and move to the table. Chair exercises are a poor substitute for standing and walking.

Your father is isolated and appears to have no social interaction. I would look at having him move to a senior living facility where he could interact with others his age. Then you can move back home with your husband...I suspect that separation is also a factor in your frustration.

Anger is common but dealing with it is individual. Caring for a parent brings back childhood memories. Often the parent was not nurturant so it's difficult to be in the position of providing for a needy , dependent parent who is unable to give back to the relationship. Boundaries are important. Carving out time. Having a support system. What was your Father like as a parent?

Anger is natural.
However, it's time you let go of trying to direct what he does or doesn't do.

I'm going to share from the other side.
He may not have health issues, from what you can SEE. Yet the body is very achy as you age. Joint pain and general stiffness is very uncomfortable!

And maybe he is giving you a message that he won't be around much longer because he's being intuitive. Maybe talk to him about it why he says that. He may reveal something to you that you don't know. Be curious and supportive.

You cannot make anyone do anything. At some point, elders realize that they are going to die, and verbalizing it is one way of accepting it and not being fearful. This is the last thing that he has power over. Let him do it his way.

Maybe hire someone to help you if you're feeling burned out.
And when you feel anger or frustration with, leave the room, walk it off...and let it go! Change your focus on what you need to do for yourself to stay in balance while he's going through what he's going through.

All the best to you and dad.

I think it is wonderful you have the bravery to express your anger in a safe place. I think as a caregiver it is a natural component of the job - and it is a job! I think you are only try to do the best for your father. You know him best.

Julie, are you going with your father to his GP appointments?

Diazepam does not get handed out freely any more. There must be some rationale behind it, and it certainly isn't obvious to me - it would, for example, not normally be px'ed to someone seeking help with low mood or depression. Did your father report difficulty sleeping or something like that?

What happened three months ago that made you take over as his primary carer? Was there a bereavement, a move, anything in particular?