Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
The negative attitude has always been there.
Suggestions get slammed down without a second thought. That is the most frustrating part.
I have spent hundreds on items to help her boredom.
I got her a Netflix account and she refuses to use it.
I know about being kind and so on, but the frustration makes it hard.
I refused to take part in any discussion about going home. Just left when it started. I don't ask anything and change subject when he complains. I stay positive and upbeat. Talk about TV programmes. The past and the other residents.
I still take deep breaths of energy before going in too.
I tried so many "tactics" to alleviate things, but want to share the one thing that actually did help a little.
It was when I simply stopped even trying to reason with her, and stopped arguing her, and just more or less agreed with her, that "Yes - It must be really hard getting old. I understand. It's sad not being able to do what you want. And it must be so tiring to do many things. I sure wish we could make you young again. If I could, I would." (stuff like that) And remind them that you love them.
That actually tended to shut the complaining down somewhat. I think they sometimes simply want empathy.
Needless to say, the visit was short and the sundae was thrown in the trash after melting to liquid. Some days you luck out and others you loose.
Sigh, I hope I'll be a happy old lady.
Just my experience.
It is going to take her having a medical emergency and then go to a nursing home she does not want but will have to because she can not live alone per dr orders with her broken hip/heart/etc.
She will not give me her power of attorney paper so i will have to come from out of town and to the house to get it in her safeby that time she may not still be alive.
When I told her she can't go home because she can't lift herself out of a chair, she changed the subject to the "terrible" care she gets. We called about the lift chair, and they simply walked into her room and plugged it back in.
She spends all her time complaining, calling and texting until our VM is full. It's really difficult.
I feel for you. I really do.
EDIT: I just saw how old this thread was. To the OP, I hope by now things have improved in your life!
and I’m always right. She tells everyone I’m her boss and don’t get her help. I’m now on meds to help with my depression and anxiety over her care. I have tried to involve her in activities both here and at a senior citizen center, but she does not interact with others due to her dementia. Hardest thing I’ve ever done! Trying to hang on as long as I can.
He complains about everything. We can visit for about 20 minutes. After that he starts talking about all kinds of injustices, near death experiences, (none are true). So we just say we need to go. There is no arguing with him, trying to help him see the good side of anything. We just tell him we are on his side, we love him and we are happy he is safe.
He just can’t handle any one disagreeing with him, he really believes what he is saying. For example, he thinks he got a bad haircut in the nursing home and refuses to let him cut his hair for $15.00. So he is cutting his own hair with his shaver. And he has a lot of beautiful thick white hair.
Dementia destroys brain cells. The cells that give us executive reasoning. You can not argue with dementia.
We are all on a very sad journey if someone we love has dementia.
A part of them knows they need more help, and life as they knew it has changed. Not many like change. Especially after living at home for decades.
I know my mom was always scared to death of nursing homes. I think she equates that with the big horrible mental institutions of the past. She always insisted she would rather die than go to one. But she put her grandmother in one, and saw she was taken care of just fine.
I also think she knew NH was the end of the line. That in and of itself is very scary.
Perhaps when the negativity starts, you gently remind the person that the visit will cease. And mean it. I think that might help. You don't have to be abused mentally. And then feel guilty for not wanting to be abused.
I'd give them fair warning to change the subject. Talk about something else. If not have a nice day. Get up and go. Especially if they are not mentally abusing the staff. I'
Give it a try.
Good luck.
Depression is often underdiagnosed or ignored.
I'd talk to doc about it. Don't let him poo, poo you it's nothing if it's not nothing.
Is she just negative to you, or all the staff, all the time?
As far as dressing, showering etc. There are staff that help with those things. They can help remind her its shower time. Then pick out her night clothes and lay out the morning clothes. Call them. The staff is there for that. It is their job.
stop and give up their lives.
I've found that when I'm in any crisis, my father's needs skyrocket or
he acts as if I'm a mentally challenged whiner. Either approach is
terribly stressful, and sends home the message, only his needs matter.
The frustrating thing is it was the same throughout my childhood, my
parents needs were the only thing that mattered. And both of my parents
abandoned their own parents without visiting them. That seems to be
a pattern for a lot of needy narcissistic parents as well.
No matter what she says, believe her, believe her, you are the only person she trusts, believe her. Your eye will show her your heart, even the person who has been diagnosed as dementia, they know how we treat them, they know from our eyes, face expression and body figures.
I am a RN, I have my own assisted living, love the resident, love, love, believe, believe, things will change, life will move on.
Smile!
ping
If the negativity is too great, I would limit the visit time for your own sanity. It will start to rub off on you, and effect your health. Good luck.