Is it normal she's so negative?

Of course it is normal! But I do hope you do not completely walk away. Your family is first, but if you can, visit!

I have no advise, as you have written my story…

Prozac will stop all this ugly behavior. My dad had a potty mouth towards the nurse assistance and family members who visited him. The doctor prescribed him Prozac within a few days he was really pleasant to be around.

Jeweltone I feel your struggle. I’ve recently moved my mother into independent living and now all I get is negativity! Every time I call I get scorned for “how did you think I could possibly like...”, and “in a place like this you would think they would at least...”, and my ultimate favourite, “I’m very disappointed in ...”. I am overwhelmed!!
I’ve tried so very hard for YEARS to help with, or do anything that needed to be done for her; perhaps I’ve done this to myself?? It took me over 6 months to find a place that was clean enough, organized enough and had services enough that I thought she could possibly like it ... well let’s just say that all that effort seems to be wasted as she hates it and reminds me of that every minute of a phone call or visit.

There was no possible way that Mom could stay in our family home. Recently diagnosed with breast cancer, needing a hip replacement, and suffering from the onset of dementia she was falling and hurting herself, burning pots into oblivion and forgetting phone numbers. On my weekly Saturday visits I was constantly berated for things I hadn’t told her, even though I had at least 10 times over. It’s been 7 years since Dad died and everything just stopped working for her, or was a stupid thing to her as she’s lost the ability to work microwaves and answering machines. I had a million post it notes everywhere with reminders and notes.

I know deep down I’ve done the best thing to keep her safe. I also know that this isn’t easy for her - neither is it for me. What I don’t know how to do yet is protect myself from getting sucked into the negativity, how to get rid of the constant lump in my throat, or even sleep the night through again. I’m hoping with time, and with what I’m learning here with all of you, is that I will find the strength to weather this. I refuse to lose my marriage, my job and perhaps even my own sanity simply to care for a very negative Mom.

My 83 yr old mom's behavior is not new. She has always acted put upon and miserable. She thrives on sympathy and has created a wedge between me and a family I was once close to by lying to get sympathy from them. It worked every time. They no longer speak to me even though they know how she is. She is in independent living. Many resources of entertainment are available to her. She doesn't want to get out of her chair to go to any of them. Complains she is lonesome, bored, nobody to talk to. Pretty much same as I see here. I finally had to tell her that if she won't get up from the chair and go to some of the activities or find some way of entertaining herself, it's on her. I have no living siblings and dad passed a long time ago. Family got so sick of complaining they don't return her calls. Even the social worker got tired of her. SW told me she needs positive encouragement. I didn't say it but thought, you are in for quite the job, lady. She quit 2 weeks in. She will nag me to death to bring her things that I know she won't use. If I only had yarn and a crochet hook. Brought them. Never opened the package. Then it was knitting needles. Package still unopened. SPECIFIC colored pencils and coloring book from her house. Never moved from where I left them. The food sucks. Bought food. Threw it away when it spoiled. There is no happy for her and never will be. I told her this. Her response is the usual, crying, tantrum, threats to drop dead. It used to work. Not anymore.

I am going through the same thing with my 87 year old Dad always being negative and it drives me CRAZY! Just think if you lived with him...I ignore him a lot and sometimes I feel guilty. But I have to do something because I can't let that depress me or get me stressed. It's SO HARD let me tell you! Everyday all day he has something negative to say and the ironic thing about this whole thing is that he will be ALWAYS be positive about winning the lottery....lol
I love him to death, and I also need help coping with this. This post and comments has helped me some but my situation is different because I live with my Dad. But yeah just hang in there because I DEFINITELY understand and I might just make my own post about this myself.

People who were negative when they were young will usually continue to be negative when older. She is following life long patterns.

You don’t have the power to change her behavior but you can certainly change your reaction to it.

You can also break cycles. Don’t copy any of her personality traits.

If she isn’t willing to change her pessimistic behavior she will become lonely because most people will avoid her.

People like this are extremely difficult to be around. They will drain all of your energy.

Life! it does have its ups and downs.. I believe a person should do there very best. Mom is your mom and the only mom you will ever have. your mom maybe thinking negativity because of the things she have seen and have been going through. In fact, she maybe going through it. you can't absolutely trust what the people are saying about your mom. stop by there on a different day or hour to see for yourself. I'm not saying this is what's happening. I have heard stories of things happening. Listen to your mom like your mom use to listen to you when you were little. She means will. I never wanted my mom in any kind of home other than mine. Because she had lived in Va. I was in NYC she did not want to come reside with me. She had a home. i always say its better to be in your own home and get assistance. i know she worked you could have someone come to her. Everyone when there sick or dying and no one can or willing to give up there lives for whatever reason. should let them stay in there own residences i feel that way. everyone feels at peace and secure. just like your mom would get annoyed with you at times same goes for us. always put yourself in those shoes. Its not a guarantee your husband and or children will be there for you and if there listening to you talk about your mom they will do you likewise. i would ask my mom what do you want mom? i would also, get a therapist for her. there are ways to help her. if you would try not to be selfish. mom was there for you so do your best to be there for her. figure out what options are good for the both of you. this way you will not feel guilty. we can only do the best we can. As always pray about everything. Hope I'm not being harsh. I'm just being honesty.

Reading a lot of the responses here and I'm also going through this with my grandmother. I have posted here before about her and my grandfather and how they both starting ailing around the same time a couple years back while I still lived with them. I moved (best thing I've ever done), she recovered and is still at home, and my grandfather is in a nursing home, actually in the hospital right now due to some broken bones from several falls (that's a WHOLE other story). My mom and I are caring for both of them, visiting, etc., but my grandmother hates when anyone pays my grandfather any attention or visits him. She's been holding THE longest grudge ever over something he had done in the past (and he apologized for). She's been using COVID to tell us not to go visit my grandfather, claiming she's scared of catching it. Even told my mom if she goes to visit him to not come over to see her. I knew I would get this same speech when I went to check on her yesterday and I was right. She was trying to make herself cry and saying she's sick (she has CHF but has been doing pretty well). I get it but she then says things like "He's 92. He's lived his life already." and then goes into how much she's done for him and how he hurt her. It's infuriating. I've spent a good chunk of my adult life trying to look out for her and I have been tired of her mess for years. I told my mom after I take her to the doctor this week, I'm not coming over as much because I have to protect my energy. Normally she'd say something like "Oh don't do that you know she's older" but this time she completely understood.

My Mom is very negative and has alienated almost everyone in her life. Boundaries and Grey Rock are helping me but still difficult. I usually try to paint or draw when we talk by phone as it serves as a nice distraction and I don’t listen very closely. I also changed her ringtone on my phone to silent as hearing the phone ring was a huge trigger.

I am so sorry you feel this way regarding your own Mother but I can definitely understand your pain. I feel the same way about my MIL. She has been a burden to us for over 15 years. She lived with us 9 years and it was HORRIBLE!! I had vowed to never deal with her after we moved her right next door but being the caring person I am, I decided to help with limitations. I don't even see or talk to her everyway and she still gets on my nerves. She is negative, a liar, nosey, unappreciative, feels entitled, drama filled and just a plain ol good for nothing old lady. I am tired of her. I pray that my husband puts her in a senior facility so she can atleast be around othet seniors or people similar to her personality AND so we won't have to deal with her.
I think you should do whats best for YOU, not your Mother. Pray and ask God to take the guilt away. You dont owe your Mother anything but as her daughter you can help when you can or if you want to but if its too much allow the professionals to do it. Step back and stay involve with her overall care as far as making sure she is being treated well. I wouldn't stress out over it. You have a life too. I PRAY it all works out for you.

Hi all. I am somewhat of a lurker on these boards and specifically this page. I have written before about my mom, who will be 62 in June. She has had a series of strokes (talking maybe 7 or 8) since I was 12. I am now 24 and will be 25 in June. She has not driven since I was 12, and when my dad died at 14 years old, I was left to do much of her caretaking. Yes, we have family, but she unfortunately has alienated much of her siblings, mother, etc. I am an only child.

My mom lives off of disability and SS from my deceased dad. I recently married my High school sweetheart and boyfriend of 8 years, and her family decided that her 3 bedroom condo was too big for her now that I am married and no longer staying with her. There were also several times over the summer where she left burners on, left the oven on. Once the fire department had to come because of the excessive gas from stove being left on.

My husband and I bought our house on November 22, the day after, mom has another stroke. Instead of moving to an apartment, she decided she wanted to live in a 5 star retirement community (independent with options for apartment care or to move up to AL). My family pulled many strings to make this happen as she was adamant on wanting to live there specifically.

Well, she moved in March 2, and shortly after, COVID came through and made everything a mess. I worked several hours for several days a week for many weeks helping my mother downsize and move into her new place. Something about the move, while I agree can be stressful, has completely turned her into the most hateful person ever.

My uncle helps us a lot (probably out of pity and care for me), and when he didn't show up one day, my mom called and cursed him out and was so offensive. I asked my mom if he specifically said he was going to be there that day -- nope, he didn't say he was. I said mom, you cant get mad at someone for not helping if they didn't say they would be there. She says - why dont you leave your husband and go hook up with him. My uncle. Still cannot believe those words came out of her mouth. It has nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with her insecurity.

She also recently said to me, how on EARTH did I manage to raise a daughter with the compassion of a mosquito, how? how?!!! And freaked out on me. Mind you, this was after hours of moving and organizing her belongings.

She has called me a b*tch so many times I cant begin to count. The thing is - I never get nasty with her they way she does to me, I stay calm cool and collected. I say, mom, sometimes I think you say things you dont mean when you are overwhelmed. It's almost like she wants me to spit fire in her face right back. I refuse.

RECENTLY, she has been getting into trouble, and even threatened the staff at her new living facility all due to this Covid quarantine business. She feels she is being treated unfairly, forget that thousands of people are dying and especially in her communities age group/health status.

My relationship with my mom has been take take take ever since my childhood. I can distinctly remember even trying to talk to her about things and she says, Im not your friend, Im your mother!

I see all of you who are sometimes in your 50's, 60's, and beyond with the same issues I face. Will this be my life for the next 40 years? What can I do? It's becoming too much for me to emotionally bare.

Yes normal and you have gone above and beyond. Take care of yourself as well.

My 88 year old father was found to be depressed and have dementia after a neuropsychologist evaluation. The depression diagnosis was a surprise, not because he's always cheerful, rather, because he's always been very critical, mean, and vindictive to me and my family. Being put on antidepressants has made him much easier to be around. He still says mean things to and about me, but he is much more easily distracted. I try to focus on being upbeat and positive no matter how negative he becomes and I am also surprised to find that he often mirrors my attitude. I've even heard him repeating some of the positive spin I put on some of the mean stories he tells repeatedly. I'm not saying that this will always work with him or anyone else, but you might consider having your mother evaluated for both dementia and depression. Both can present with subtle mood and personality problems and/or changes.

nanotorand, who are you referring to? Who shouldn’t have access on here? This goes back to 2014 and has 1,300 answers on it. I don’t want to sift threw them all. What are you taking about?

This is so similar to my issues with my Mom. I too am an only child and Mom placed in Assisted Living 2 months ago. She was so angry that I only visited her twice in the first two months. She tells me how horrible it is there, how the food is terrible. Then when I talk to the Facility Director, she says Mom has made a couple of new friends, is eating well, taking her meds and is adjusting nicely. She just tells me it is horrible, but really she is being taken care of. Do not feel guilty. I need peace too. After a horrible journey the past 2 1/2 years with my Mom being scammed out of $80,000 by an overseas man that she thinks is in love with her, and all of the lies she told to cover it up, I'm ready for time with my wife and kids. We are going to visit the day after Christmas, so as not to have to deal with her negativity on Christmas.

Why are you feeling guilty? For what? For your mother's horrible behavior? I don't care if she has dementia or not - her behavior and attitude are harming you and will potentially destroy you and you do NOT deserve that. There are people like this and there is only ONE solution - remove yourself from them and do NOT spend time with them no matter what. The woman is safe and is being cared for and the people there are paid to do their jobs. Let them take care of her. Call once or twice a week and the minute she gets "negative", either change the subject and if that does not work, just excuse yourself to "answer the door" or "I have a visitor....have to go" and HANG UP. Do NOT subject yourself to this - it will harm you if you let it continue, She is not normal - you are and have every right and reason to resent her behavior.

Yes it is all normal. Shes probably feeling loss of independence. That would change anyone's personality and cause some to be negative. Having dementia makes it all even worse. I know with all that happened to my moms health and having dementia, she has changed. My mom also moved. Lost my Dad a year ago. Its so hard to see them change. once
positive people now negative is hard for us to fathom. I have to remind myself that it isnt easy for them. They probably dont realize whats happened as they cognitively declined. I can understand how you feel about not wanting to visit her. Me also sometimes. Myself, I feel and think of how much I love her and how unhappy she is and how alone she would feel if I didnt visit her. Its sad I know I feel for you. They need to complain to us as they want us to feel there pain and scared of what is happening to them especially when they cant remember and wonder why they cant. Hang in there. Take care of you

Thank you Shell38314

Sounds like my mom, negativity, stubbornness, paranoia. She’s in a good facility and has even made friends with some of the fellow residents. The contempt and rudeness is mainly for myself and main caregiver.

I know dementia probably has a lot to due with this unpleasantness. It’s
hard when she constantly calls me names and cruel for putting her in board/care. In my mom’s case memory is a big issue. I placed mom in a facility close to me very easy visits and outings, but for now I’ve decided to limit my visits to give her time to settle into new environment. As crazy as it sounds it’s comforting to know others are walking in my same shoes. Let’s stay strong for each other.

Negativity for mom gives her something to talk about. I honestly think they are horribly bored. The anxiety is what gets to me. So worried about everything!

Will someone please, please explain to me this - when people get dementia and physical problems, I say you should help them as much as you can especially if you love them and vice versa and the relationship between you during the years was a good one. But here is what I simply cannot understand. When their bad behavior and verbal abuse, not to mention all kinds of other problems, becomes so bad that it affects both the caretaker and the caretaker's life and family, WHY ARE PEOPLE ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN? If it cannot be stopped, and I doubt it can unless one gets very tough, something most people aren't capable of, you caretakers are feeling guilty, unhappy, depressed, exhausted, developing your own set of problems physically and mentally and everything is NOT going good, why are you doing this? There comes a time where you must be strong and recognize what is now and do something about it. That might mean removing them and putting them somewhere - but aren't you worth it? Don't you want a chance to live YOUR life while you still can? Are you willing to lose everything in life because of these people. God, I hope you don't feel that way. YOU deserve peace and a chance to live a normal life and if you can't have that with them in your presence, well, you know what you have to do. Be strong. In time you will learn you did the ONLY right thing to do given the circumstances.

It can be the dementia, it can be her anger at forgetting and being in a new place which confuses her. She thinks that you can move her if she complains to you.
My parent is that way just as her personality. everything is measured against her own likes and dislikes. Opinionated- not attractive and she has lost all her friends and other family from it. I protect myself and limit how often i see her.
So you know she is cared for there, she eats, then give yourself a break. Maybe less of an audience ( you) would cut down her verbal complaining?
Best wishes.

I think that she's just unhappy being there. I don't think anyone would be happy moving into a nursing home. My father is going through that for the time being. I would visit her more often and if you can, take her out on outings (Lunch, shopping, visits with family members), Maybe that will be something that she can look forward to on a weekly basis, maybe the complaining won't be too bad afterwards. Make the visits complaint free: You don't need to be given a guilt trip for placing her in there or listen to her complain about everything under the sun. About the bathing and hygiene, I would inform her nurse or social worker about this. Maybe they can help.

This person you are describing could be my Mum. Although She has not got dementia, like yours she has always been a very negative person, and moaned but like yours found some lighter moments, but now all it is is negativity and constant moaning and rudeness towards me mainly, we cannot have a conversation because she doesn’t listen to what is being said, and will constantly cut people off and start talking over them, usually changing the conversation entirely. I would like to walk away and not see her, but then find myself feeling guilty for thinking this way. Don’t know if to sit her down and try and talk to her and find out why she is so angry with me or just ignore it. I have tried talking to my sister but she just takes my mums side and doesn’t want to know. Any advice from any one would be appreciated.

My soon to be 96 yr old mother who’s in a nursing home going on 5 years gets really mean. I’ve learned( although it took awhile) to just say today’s not a good day to visit. I love you and will see you in a couple of days. At this point I’ve found a balance between my mental health and being there for her . It’s a constant struggle

This is so sad but YOU must be strong......you CANNOT AND MUST NOT ALLOW HER NEGATIVITY IN YOUR PRESENCE. I don't care why she is doing this to you, it has to stop at once. If you have done everything in your power to prevent this, medically, and otherwise, then you have to face the fact it is not going to stop, it will get worse and IT WILL DESTROY YOU if you don't get away from her. There is no reason on earth to feel guilty about not letting someone cause harm to you physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. You MUST put her somewhere safe where she is cared for but it cannot be in your space. It will kill you and you will be miserable. Don't allow it.

Glad I saw this topic. My mother always been a negative person but she had gotten worse over the years. She is now the type of person who sees life as every silver lining has a cloud. Nothing gets her laughing like those videos of people hurting themselves doing stunts or tricks. She has dementia, so she is very forgetful, but bad things lock in her mind and any good thing she is told she forgets in 5mins. I give her saint john's wort, a mild antidepressant, and it helps a bit. I want to talk to her doctor about a prescription antidepressant but so many actually can make symptoms worse in the elderly.

I myself take Celexa and Abilify. The Celexa helps with my depression from taking care of her 24/7 and the Abilify helps me get less irritated with her. Both have really helped. Sometimes you can't do much to help them but you can do things to help yourself.

Helpful to know it's not just my mom that is becoming more negative and complaining a lot! If I hear one more complaint about: CVS, computers, the TV, business names, telemarketers, etc etc. ......

It's the same crap over and over and over. Oh, perhaps a slightly new twist on the same old tired out theme.

Negativity from others does really burst my bubble and bring me down very quickly.

I realize this is not an option for a person with dementia, but I read something about a grateful journal. I'm going to pull together more info and prompts and try to get her to do this and I'll do it too so we can, voluntarily, share our POSITIVE thoughts instead of the nearly constant complaining. So tiring.....

There really is comfort in knowing that my issues are the same issues others are having. Thanks to all for sharing!

That is my feeling 100% but guilt is a trip