Is it normal she's so negative?

I feel your pain. I had the same with my mother . I settled with only visiting once or twice a week for no more than an hour . 1/2 the time it was shorter . Mom passed away . Now dealing with same issues with FIL. Limit your visits and cut back on the phone calls .

I am reminded of something that may be useful to you. I once recorded my conversation to prove I was being nice but mistreated. Later, I went to listen to it, and to ME it sounded like I was being mean or irritable, the opposite of how I thought I was acting, while KNOWING I was making the recording. I replayed it many times trying to figure out how that happened. Sometimes our defensiveness can appear as offensiveness is one explanation. I remember later stating that in one part I was holding my hands up, clasped together, begging the person to "stop it". Even that came out wrong on the tape because you couldn't see my hands doing the beg sign. That gave me a lot to reflect on because if listening to myself be nice or offended came out TO ME as being the opposite, how easy it may be for others who don't know my thoughts, to feel that way too.

I can't say if that's you, but I can tell you, Turn your phone recorder on while you meet with your mom and let it run for an hour. Catch what you say and your mom's "bad" responses, and then review it later that evening or the next day, OBJECTIVELY. Listen to how you come across, as if you were an independent observer. Be honest with yourself. You may find you are just being taken wrong, and can figure out how to change your delivery. Usually the brain on the second time through an event is able to process things differently, see things it didn't see the first time, and then as you reflect on it, maybe replaying a section, the brain will provide you with more things that stand out. Then you have to use that, to change.

This is not to say that I mean you are the whole problem, but that this is a problem that does occur for everybody. Have you never said, I know I texted that to you, but that's not how I meant it! because the person couldn't see your emotions and you wished they had seen your face so they would have known, right? Same kind of thing but this is just an audio issue, but like that. They hear or see the words, but they don't get your real intent, and I don't think your mom is lying. I think she's most likely just not getting your real intent.

If I treated you in the office, the best advice I could give you is to tape your conversation and follow the above instructions. If she also is contributing due to who knows what mental disabilities, at least this will help you, and her, to eliminate anything on your end of the equation. If this seems complex, it's not. You can do it. Let your recorder aid you. This divide between what we think and how we feel and are perceived often happens when we have high emotions about an issue we are talking about or trying to resolve. So remember to smile. A real smile. Even you are in tears, love, remember some wonderful thing she's done for you that always makes you smile, and smile, and that may make it come across completely different. But YOU will know after you reflect on the audio tape, and that change in you will help eliminate hopefully all of those negatives coming from her. If so, be glad you figured that part out. And don't blame yourself if you find the audio needs to be changed. You just didn't realize it like I didn't. My hope is it helps most of the negatives, and leaves you with less of them, and thus be more manageable for you both. Don't give up either, because I found that at the breaking point, my brain became focused on finding a solution so that I would not burn out, and it came through faith in myself and God that I would find a way, that there was a way, to make positives happen.

I recommend having her put on 1/4 reg Tylenol for general pain twice daily, esp. if it effectively replaces her already-prescribed daily NSAID; then change it from ibuprofen, naproxen, etc to acetaminophen (Tylenol). Most centenarians I know who do all their own business use nothing else but Tylenol for aches. There's a risk factor for liver conditions. But it's the only NSAID that enters the brain and it fights brain inflammation! Proven.

My Mom is the same. After heart issues and signs of an ulcer (me not her)I have changed my approach. Just agree with her or don’t answer at all.
How long has she been in her facility. Mine moved in in April and things seem to be getting better. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

What if its not normal? Or if it is? Deal with the problem and don't try to categorize it.

Negativity is the brain chemistry changing.
No, it likely isn't 'she just wants to complain.'

Google Teepa Snow. Read, listen to a few of her free offerings and some of her webinars. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. I studied with her for close to two years. Good information. Supports making educated, kind decisions - for both self and the other person.

Gena / Touch Matters

Your mother, perhaps, is in her negativity, is acting out her frustration... her feelings of not being in control of her life any longer. With her dementia, she is not fully in control of her emotions. When your mother is complaining, just let her complain. Do not let it bother you. Practice loving detachment. Love her and let her babble. When you walk away from the care facility, be able to raise your arm and say, "We did it, through the grace of Jesus Christ!"

I wish I had an answer but I share in your misery. And, even worse my mom now lives with me & my husband, She’s never been a pleasant person, always negative, always complaining and now badgers me daily and throughout the day that I brought her to my home against her will because she has her home and can care for herself- total loss of reasoning! It’s been 2 years and I’m already at my wit's end. I’d LOVE to place her in a memory care facility. I am trapped in my own home. And, on top of all this we give her excellent care. Believe me I can empathize but the mental abuse she puts me through is demoralizing.

You hit the nail on the head! I’m experiencing this with my grandma. She is 100 and lives with me for the past 5 years. Lately she has been very negative! I make her meals, help her shower and dress, do laundry, clean, I created her own patio for her with flowers and all her favorites and she still complains! I take caregiving a day at a time and I sometimes too want to run away! It helps me to look back at pictures and videos of how we used to be. Sometimes you cannot even remember that person anymore. I also find activities she loves or movies that are her favorite. It’s good quality time without discussing anything deep. Also I’m working on playing along with her reality, and that seems to help.

Yes. My mom was always a negative person still is..yesterday I was told “ the foods terrible, the residents are not able to play bingo and need to not go, the place is cold and damp, a man at her table never shuts up, her blanket is too big, the candy was stale, they always serve cookies and there are people stealing”. Mom had similar complaints when living with my brother in a gorgeous home..This place is new and she gets great food and care..it is exhausting.

Honestly I think you should decrease your exposure to her. If you go once a week to do her hair change to every other week. Complaints about seeing you less should be calmly responded with “You complain when I am here so I thought you would prefer I come less often, this is a result of the choice you have made to be negative”. If her behavior improves then come more often and do not reward negative behavior. The most important thing is to cut yourself some slack. If she cannot remember to stop being negative then she won’t remember that you aren’t there as often.

It is not your job to make her happy. That is her job! Visit and leave when it is too negative. Counseling was a great help for me. My job is make sure mom is safe and well cared for…not by her standards which will never be met but by my standards..Good luck!

I feel for you. Please heed the advice of HisBestFriend above.

And also DO NOT bring her to live in your home. You need space in order to retain your own health.

I cared for my mom who had her moments but was usually her sweet self....she would ask for a note card and pen so she could write a note to thank someone for the wonderful time she had with them the other day....these people where long dead but I gave her the supplies she asked for though she never wrote the note. She wanted me to sleep with her instead of sleeping with the guy down the hall ( my husband of 30 plus years and her only son in law )

Same same same. I finally spoke to a social worker who told me to stop trying to fix my mom’s problems and bad moods. Put her back in the driver’s seat: “I’m sorry you feel that way. What do you want to do about it?” Questioning them is the only way to defuse the negative, mean behavior. When I calmly ask questions I notice how my mother has to think about an answer and it details her tirade. You’re not alone, truly.

Is it possible she is punishing you for her placement there? My 92 year old mother could have her own wing in The White House and would complain that she could not have breakfast in the Oval office. She also lives in her own beautiful apartment in a great Senior Living community ..and feels that she should be living the same life that I am at 68..constantly whining at me.."Wait until you re my age " (I wont make it, at 68, with all the stress she heaps on me ) When I was 16, my wonderful dad had to take me prom dress shopping …Mommie D did not want my prom memories to compete with hers. I have a long long list...She was passive aggressive and jealous all her life ....Many like her who were very entitled by their own parents and husbands. Reality has set in and she needs to place her anger on you, couched in depression and negativity, so you can keep "rescuing "her. Im currently on another no contact break with mine and its very very hard not to do that.. Sending a hug.

Being negative or having memory loss in people with dementia are only two of many problems affecting their brains. For instance there are personality changes, impairment of comprehension, poor judgement, disorientation in time, place and person, a tendency to become obsessed and ritualistic, poor control of anger, false beliefs (delusions), false perceptions ( hallucinations), hygiene neglect, poor concentration, impaired abstract thinking, body incoordination, poor balance, indifference to the surroundings, reverse sleep pattern, repetitive behavior, mood changes, depression, anxiety, agitation, angry outbursts, aggressive behavior, desinhibición of basic instincts, etc., etc. These characteristics in various degrees and intensity will affect different demented people.

I feel very much the same but live with it every day! I consider you very lucky. You got her to go into assisted living. You have a life, maybe not full time perfect but at least you can go your own way most days and know your mom is taken care of.
I don't think I will be able to continue the way I have living with my mom is making me depressed and I am starting to resent not having a life. I used to be able to find some humor in it but her negativity is draining me!
It seems "normal" how you feel but I would say hang in there. She just needs to vent her emotions on someone who loves her as you do. You just have to learn to shake it off when you leave her side. Good luck!

I thought I was the only one going through this for the past two plus years…. You can’t reason with them. That is the hardest part. Trying to reason with the unreasonable. I hear you! I understand exactly what you are going through!

You do have a choice here. And I don't blame you at all for wanting to just get away from the situation. You have every right to.

ONLY CHILD HERE!
Her personality change is the disease. Whether it be dementia or alzheimer's. I recently (TODAY) have finally convinced myself of this very same thing. Things are progressing so quickly with my mother. We went straight to the nursing home in lieu of assisted living. The upbeat person I knew has been replaced with a negative Nelly.
Our Mom's who we knew are no longer the same. I am so sorry - I too feel guilty for wishing I didn't have to deal with it.

Well if its not normal, we are both in the same boat. My MIL went to AL 4 mos. ago. Just wants to sit all day and wet her clothes. The stench is horrible. Hardly talks to us when we go over. We do have a camera where we can keep an eye on her. Had it for 4 yrs when she was in IL. We look at her throughout the day. She's not smart enough to push the alert button hanging on her neck if she falls. Looked at her at midnight last week and she was on the floor trying to reach for a doorknob to pull herself up. Called to office for someone to help her up. That camera has been such a blessing. If something happens, you can go back and see it. I offer to get her up to brush her teeth and go to bathroom and change underpants, she refuses and waves me away. What do you do?
I read someone wrote on this site that their mother had the right to rot. I agree.
You can't let her live in your head. You will go nuts.

I can 150% relate to this. I’m in my mid-30s and an only child as well. My mother had me late in life and is 78 and not yet in assisted living. My father died in 2020 and she is still living at home. I do all I can to help her, but my help is never good enough for her and each time I leave she berates and manipulates me with new “issues” that arise that I believe she’s mentally concocting. I am planning to move her to the state I live in now but I am very concerned about setting the right boundaries. I’ve never had a child and much of that I think is due to the fact that I have a 78 year old one already….

Ask yourself this: If you had a friend with whom you were close and all was fine and you enjoyed one another's company, what would you do if the person became cruel, nasty, mean, no remorse, nothing kind about them any longer and they hurt you constantly - and you can't stop them. Would you stay in the relationship or would you move on? If you had any sense, you would move on - no matter what the past relationship was. Just common sense.

One word of advice and I learned it too late - I wish I had learned this long, long ago - it would have made my life kinder. When people change and are no longer what they were or kind and nice, you have two options: You can love them and tolerate all they do and say and destroy yourself or you can love them but at a distance which will protect you from their harm.

Your mother has dementia so just ignore what she says. As to refusal to wash, wear clean clothes, etc., don't even try - tell the staff they are responsible to make her wash and wear clean clothes AND MAKE SURE SHE DOES IT. Don't waste time and effort. As to the personality changes, this happens and it gets ugly. Think on her past if she was much better and to the extent possible ignore it. And because of her behavior, and I know you love her - but NOT at your expenses, why do you go away to see her so often. Don't go where you are not welcome and cannot bring happiness to her or to you - keep your distance. That would be the normal and right thing to do. Don't try to fix what can't be fixed when it is broken. Think of YOU.

OH my that is exactly how my mom is. My mother is 85 she is at a rehab in a nursing home because of effects of having covid. MY mom has always been negative she had a tough life as a child and also my dad was not a great father or husband also. SO she dealt with alot My mom sheltered her life never wanted to go out just stayed home and did her little routines in the house and thats it!! We as her children wanted to take her out and she would say i cant walk i dont want to see people blah blah blah. MY mother is very negative also what your mom does or say is exactly what my mom does and say to> I am the youngest so i took care of her more my brother and sister did not see or hear all the negative comments complaints everyday BUT what i did was baby her i let her do whatever and say whatever she wants and let her get away with it. NOW where she is in the rehab she is even worse she complains and complains everythime we call or we go visit she says people there are horrible place stinks she isnt eating they did not give her medication to her then when we ask the nurses its all opposite whatever you say to her like example: ma eat your food do the physical therapy listen to these people and you will feel much better her response is : IN A BABYS VOICE: WHY do you guys yell at me you guys are leaving me here to die i want to leave i hate it here you guys are doing this and that and they stink blah blah blah!!!! I cannot handle it anymore either!!! ITS constanly complaining and negative every single day and i noticed within mysel and usually i am not like this at all. THat i was getting sick and tired of hearing it and it was making me pull away from her. SOOOO DO NOT feel quitly for the way you are feeling there are alot of people out there going through the same thing we both our with our parents . YOU are a great daughter and doing the best you can. I rememember one person said to me once: YOu need to focus on the best care for you mom care and safety is the most important thing what is best for her! Even though she might not agree that is ok, We are her family wants the best for her thats #1 she might not like it but thats ok she is safe and getting the best help good luck and stay strong and anytime you want to chat here i am! I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU!

I just want to say here that it's not just dementia that causes tantrums, disrespect, needling and being overdemanding.

Sometimes, it's just lack of control, fear or both.

FMIL got cancer and FFIL had a stroke. FMIL was under the impression that we would be there every overnight but that wasn't possible. I was the one to bring up the idea of an aide, and she cried, then screamed at me, then offered to show me her checkbook about how she's helped out SO, then banished me "to my room."

Fortunately, she now loves the aide that Brother picked.

FMIL's cancer went into remission, but then it came back. She was offered an easier and newer option first, but they took that away at the last minute and said she would be getting a stem-cell transplant. A month in the hospital versus a week. No winter holiday season. The idea that a second caregiver be introduced.

SO asked her innocently one day if she'd started looking for this second person, and she BLEW UP. It was on speakerphone, and it was just ranting about MY HOUSE and I WANT and HOW DARE YOU.

SO said he needed to go and hung up.

Now the doctors are rethinking giving her the newer easier therapy. This reduces the hospital stay, makes it so that she can go to restaurants for Family Dinners, and obviates the need for a second or more skilled person, for now.

For now, she's gotten what she wants. And the defensiveness masking as grouchiness has dissipated. She's a friendly person again.

I know this is an old post from 2014 but see new posts on here as well.

I have been trying for so long to keep my mother at home. She is 96 and times of her being negative and nasty are increasing faster nowadays. I know she has dementia, but knowing that does not help when she is being nasty to my daughter ( 39 ) who also lives with us and has been a tremendous support to me in caring for mom and has helped mom herself A LOT !!!

But tonight, mother being so extremely nasty in a paranoid way to my daughter (who is the sweetest you could want!!) is hitting the tip of the iceberg for me. My daughter was in tears and was worried I was upset with her (not in the least! and told her that) and went to spend the evening with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, my mom continued her nastiness. I plan to call her NP tomorrow to ask for other medication ( ? maybe Seroquel) to get us through until I can figure out moving her somewhere. We can't afford continual caregivers at home, or assisted living, and pretty sure she wouldn't qualify for snf. So I will be starting the "what to do" process tomorrow.

LOL Mom was the same way, nothing but complaints about the food, the temperature, the aids, etc. Funny thing is she put on weight (food is awful), went to every activity and field trip (bored), didn’t trust the staff (they all told me how sweet she was) on and on. I would just say how awful, too sad, etc and change the subject or leave. Her glass was always half empty despite evidence to the contrary. I think it was just her nature to always look to the dark side of life. Maybe it’s a symptom of getting old, medications, not sure about dementia.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS ORIGIONAL POST IS FROM 2014. PRIOR TO THE MOST RECENT COMMENTS THE LAST POST WAS IN DECEMBER 2020