Is it normal she's so negative?

Exactly my situation. I have ended up with stomach and heart issues because of the stress and she lives in Assist Living. My doctor told me to quit visiting. She told me to quit expecting Mom to be different, it’s not going to happen. It has only gotten worse. People have quit telling me the awful things she says about me. Last week she called friends in Canada and told them I took all of her money and bought a house in Florida. I could go on and on. Not only does she have dementia, she can’t hear so it does no good to try and explain anything to her. I am at the end of my rope. I have no idea what to do. I just keep telling myself it’s the dementia but it still hurts terribly.

Yup dementia intensifies a negative attitude. My mom is happiest when she is unhappy. She has always been that way…..non stop complaints of her AL and it is in an upscale retirement village! Staff “steals” , food is horrible, activity director cheats at bingo calling, staff too slow, coffee is bitter, not enough staff, too many cookies served, place is damp and cold, windows leak air, bed made badly, poor housekeeping, chairs too heavy etc. She also has told staff I hired a man to kill her….My visits are hell. I do searches for hidden items every visit. She hides soap, toothpaste, tv remote, baby wipes along with anything Lewy Body thinks a staff member might want! Even our weekly visits at my apartment are not enjoyable. After 27 yrs working LTC I expected complaints but NON STOP??!! UGH

Think about it … Put your self in her shoes .. Was she very negative before the diagnosis ? After starting to attend Caregiver’s meetings ,online , that is exactly what I did. I sat for a long time and thought about if it was me , if I lost who I was . If I could no longer do the things I love to do . If my freedom was taken away from me, I question myself on what my reaction would be. I would not be very happy . I lost my loved one early this month .The things about him that drove me crazy during our 30 plus years , got worse as his mind did. His brain was broken . His diagnosis was 6 years ago .I was able to keep him home until the last month .. I was not working and there was only the 2 of us . I watched him slip away day after day .. When He was giving me a rough time , it was because he was having a rough time . He also had something called Anosagnosia.. In the reality he was living in , with his broken brain, he did not believe anything was wrong with him . It was not denial it was a real thing . I arranged for him to go into a Memory community when I knew I was no longer able to keep him safe . If I had not connected with Caregivers meetings 4 years ago , I would never been aware of so the many things that helped me uderstand what he was going through. You are not alone. There is help for you out there .. You just have to look for it . The Alzheimer’s Association can head you in the right direction . It’s a vile disease. Early on, it would not have bothered me if he fell off the edge of the earth , but during his last year and a half it had been a heart break that will take time to heal .

My Mother is so inconsiderate of everyone. She has always been a very caring, warm person. In the past 2 years I don't even recognize her. She says hurtful things, argumentative, and demanding. I feel sad that after having a wonderful , warm relationship all our lives, now I don't even want to spend time with her, but I do. Her vision is poor, her memory is fair, she is in chronic pain from her back. She does have plenty to be crabby about. She is in a wonderful assisted living, plenty of attention, and activities. We visit often and many times take her out. I just don't want to feel like I want to avoid her.

Cut your visits back to once a week and calls twice a week. When she starts up with the complaining and negativity that is when the visit or the call ends.

Make sure to tell her when she starts up that you don't care and are not going to listen to her complain. If she doesn't stop, you get up and leave then the visits get cut down to once every other week.
Same with the phone calls. When she starts up you end the call the same way as the visit. If she continues with the complaining and negativity on the phone the calls get reduced to once a week and if that doesn't do it then once every two weeks.

When she gets lonely enough and wants your company she'll stop complaining and being so negative.

This question with its 1,000s of answers just tickles me.
We come out screaming and yelling and often seems to me we don't stop until we are dead for six months. As a species I find us overall somewhat negative.

Burnt Out Caregiver, I know we've butted heads before, but I have to say I am glad you don't care for anyone I love. Your name says it all... I hate that you are always coming up with some version of "take the old nag behind the barn and shoot her for YOUR own good."

Seniors, whether they are demented or not, predominantly suffer from loneliness. Add the uncertainty, confusion and depression dementia causes, and you have the perfect recipe for anger and upset. On top of that, when a Senior sits around all day with nothing to do and nothing to say, their mind (healthy or not) is going to look for what's wrong.

If mom had someone to talk to, someone to socialize with and someone to say "it's okay" when she complains (and maybe even do something about it), I can pretty much promise you her outlook will improve along with her mood and probably her health.

If I am not already ranting, please let me take a minute to go on a side rant...

We put our seniors in very expensive assisting living centers, hoping and praying it's going to be okay. We think they are going to get plenty of time to socialize, lots of care from the staff, great food and something out of an episode of the old TV show Fantasy Island.

In reality, the facility will probably have a 30:1 resident/caregiver ratio, and you expect the $15-hour caregiver who pops in on her once or twice every eight hours to be her mother, daughter, social worker, psychiatrist, doctor and caregiver too.

FOR EVERYONE READING THIS, ONCE YOUR LOVED ONE GOES BEYOND INDEPENDENT LIVING, THEY ARE GOING TO NEED ADDITIONAL CARE! And for anyone who believes the promises the commissioned salesman at the facility tells you, please call me - I have a bridge for sale!

Jewel, you are a gem for reaching out for help, and for not entirely wanting to take Mom behind the barn; I would offer you this:

Find someone who can spend a few extra hours with mom 3 or 4 days a week. It doesn't have to be a paid professional. Maybe she has a granddaughter or a teenager who needs volunteer hours for her college applications, one of her old friends, or a friend from church.

(Burnt Out, I know you don't think anyone is willing to do a good deed out of the goodness of their heart, but I promise you they are. Mom is already in a facility; an untrained volunteer can sit and talk to her.)

You mentioned Mom doesn't like the way you do her hair. Take her to a beauty shop or have a professional come to her. Maybe it's not the outcome so much as the dependency on you for help with something she's always managed on her own.

Bring pictures or memorabilia from her past. Bring cute (cheap) gifts to keep her occupied. Watch TV together and talk about the show during the commercials. Ask her for advice on something in your life! Talk to her about upcoming events and invite her to participate.

In other words, give Mom purpose and help her have a life worth living!

I have to ask...
Why is this still open for responses? This question is from 2014!
I doubt anyone having the same issues would read through 1K replies/ answers to get the gist of what the conversations are about.

Need...
I get that some stay open but if it is for a specific problem or concern anyone having the same issue will probably not look through old comments or suggestions to find answers.
I don't know...maybe I get perturbed when I see a question and go to respond and see that it is 9 YEARS old.
I will just try to ignore them and try to remember to look at dates before I reply

I am a new caregiver for my mom who has dementia. Regarding the comments about the newness of this post.....I was so encouraged to read it. Yes, it might have been here for months/years, but the issue is still very relevant. I felt so much better having read that so many people are feeling the same way I do, and the desperation associated with this disease. I am extremely grateful for all of your comments. I'm hoping to be able to print this out so I can get some reassurance when I'm about to jump off that cliff.

As you can see from the wealth of responses, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! While this behavior is common with dementia, it is often an extension of a person's existing personality, which only gets worse when dementia sets in. In addition to what others have offered as advice and coping, I suggest you go online to read/listen to videos about narcissistic parents. Dr Ramani is a blessing! Good Luck

"Her memory isn;t so much the issue.....her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all"
.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me."

Yesss, same here with my Mom. Add in her 'poor-me routines' anytime I bring logic and reason....Makes me seriously think that her strategic use of these 'skills', as she uses them to 'fight back' against logic(about stuff she doesn't want to consider), shows that she CAN reason quite well!

I have found BOTH Narcissism and Dementia strategies to be very helpful in dealing with her. And you tube is helpful along with this site.

PS @NeedHelpWithMom
Thanks! I'm going to check out "Jokes for Caregivers" topic next!

As my mother’s dementia and agitation increased, her doctor put her on a low dose of sertraline- an anti-depressant. It worked for her. Good luck.

Wow going through the same. No matter what I do or say she has a nasty comment. I just told her we had already seen a TV show she has on and she called me a liar. I just spent hours making dinner and all she does is complain. I'm so done.

If you can figure this out, please let me know. My mother wanted assisted living and dad did not. Has my father dementia has rapidly increased, he is the happy one. My mother on the other hand has become jaded and complains most of the time. I am torn as what to do. I can't split them up they have been married for 64 years. What do you do?

I love that this thread has almost 1,500 followers.
Seems it must be normal, then?

I will say, there's simply not a lot to love about old age. I say that as an 81 year old.

You mother not wanting to bathe is common. Depending on her condition she may need assistance in the shower or help in actual bathing. Many residents hate the intrusion of a stranger in the shower and they try to reduce bathing as much as possible. Does the AL have a competent psychiatrist in the facility ? Your mother may also be depressed. If she is not on meds for serotonin or dopamine, ask the doctor/psychiatrist if they think she can take them. Slow acting meds like these increase the hormone/receptors in the brain. Serotonin will increase the feeling of calm, peace, satisfaction. The dopamine will increase desire to do things, increase energy, improve appetite. Don't waste time with herbs or over the counter nonsense. Real meds are needed. These do NOT dope up the patient, they just adjust brain chemistry. It can make a huge difference in personality and attitude towards her living condition.

It is taxing, emotionally on you. I know.
I believe (and support you) that you need to do what you can comfortably do - in terms of visiting / contact.

The negatively may not stop as she may be very lonely, depressed or a combination of factors due to dementia and other health decline / issues.

If possible, find volunteers to visit. I called LITA (Love Is The Answer) and check out local churches. You must take care of your own mental, psychological, and physical health. You need to focus on your family.

She will not change and it may get worse. Ask her MD about medication.
You could also try gentle massage - either a volunteer or a professional. Or call massage schools to get students to give her a gentle massage (hand massages, feet massages, neck and back rubs are good - (I am a massage therapist). If you mom is open to being touched in gentle, supportive ways - easing into it with conversation first, it might help her feel better - feel more connected.

I wish you well in setting your limits and taking care of yourself.
A family member (you) can be both compassionate and set boundaries. In fact, it is necessary. Take care of you first.

Gena / Touch Matters