Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
EDIT: I just saw how old this thread was. To the OP, I hope by now things have improved in your life!
When I told her she can't go home because she can't lift herself out of a chair, she changed the subject to the "terrible" care she gets. We called about the lift chair, and they simply walked into her room and plugged it back in.
She spends all her time complaining, calling and texting until our VM is full. It's really difficult.
I feel for you. I really do.
It is going to take her having a medical emergency and then go to a nursing home she does not want but will have to because she can not live alone per dr orders with her broken hip/heart/etc.
She will not give me her power of attorney paper so i will have to come from out of town and to the house to get it in her safeby that time she may not still be alive.
Just my experience.
Needless to say, the visit was short and the sundae was thrown in the trash after melting to liquid. Some days you luck out and others you loose.
Sigh, I hope I'll be a happy old lady.
I tried so many "tactics" to alleviate things, but want to share the one thing that actually did help a little.
It was when I simply stopped even trying to reason with her, and stopped arguing her, and just more or less agreed with her, that "Yes - It must be really hard getting old. I understand. It's sad not being able to do what you want. And it must be so tiring to do many things. I sure wish we could make you young again. If I could, I would." (stuff like that) And remind them that you love them.
That actually tended to shut the complaining down somewhat. I think they sometimes simply want empathy.
I refused to take part in any discussion about going home. Just left when it started. I don't ask anything and change subject when he complains. I stay positive and upbeat. Talk about TV programmes. The past and the other residents.
I still take deep breaths of energy before going in too.
The negative attitude has always been there.
Suggestions get slammed down without a second thought. That is the most frustrating part.
I have spent hundreds on items to help her boredom.
I got her a Netflix account and she refuses to use it.
I know about being kind and so on, but the frustration makes it hard.
It's the same crap over and over and over. Oh, perhaps a slightly new twist on the same old tired out theme.
Negativity from others does really burst my bubble and bring me down very quickly.
I realize this is not an option for a person with dementia, but I read something about a grateful journal. I'm going to pull together more info and prompts and try to get her to do this and I'll do it too so we can, voluntarily, share our POSITIVE thoughts instead of the nearly constant complaining. So tiring.....
There really is comfort in knowing that my issues are the same issues others are having. Thanks to all for sharing!
I really like your idea of the thankful journal. I have done that with my own special needs daughter and we are doing 99% better than last year.
My problem mom is very negative and doesn't want to do really anything except maybe be taken to the casino. It is a big chore as it takes both my sister and me to get her into the car, but the biggest issue is the toilet once we are there. The handicapped restroom only has grab bar on one side and the back. Mom needs sister to lift her rear off toilet and I hold walker steady in front for mom to hang onto since so decent close arms near toilet there. We have done this a couple times successfully. Mom called last night wanting to go again but chose the one day all month my husband is off and he said he wasn't going. I explained to mom that he could stay home but mom didn't like that answer.
The saga continues and today is another day of it. I will definitely try your idea though and even if Mom doesn't want to write something grateful, maybe I can can model doing it.
I myself take Celexa and Abilify. The Celexa helps with my depression from taking care of her 24/7 and the Abilify helps me get less irritated with her. Both have really helped. Sometimes you can't do much to help them but you can do things to help yourself.
Dont be guilty. She chose her attitude. She is an adult.
If she has changed from being nice to angry then have her evaluated for dementia. That is a sign. In that case you cant talk them out of it either. You have to release the parent you knew to a brain disease.
My parent is that way just as her personality. everything is measured against her own likes and dislikes. Opinionated- not attractive and she has lost all her friends and other family from it. I protect myself and limit how often i see her.
So you know she is cared for there, she eats, then give yourself a break. Maybe less of an audience ( you) would cut down her verbal complaining?
Best wishes.
I know dementia probably has a lot to due with this unpleasantness. It’s
hard when she constantly calls me names and cruel for putting her in board/care. In my mom’s case memory is a big issue. I placed mom in a facility close to me very easy visits and outings, but for now I’ve decided to limit my visits to give her time to settle into new environment. As crazy as it sounds it’s comforting to know others are walking in my same shoes. Let’s stay strong for each other.