My mom is 82. She lives with my sister and her family. I spend my time between helping with mom (in PA) and going home (NJ). For the past year my mom has become so obsessed with everything being done ASAP. She mentions something and if we don’t get to it immediately she does it. It is driving us nuts. We are busy, we all work outside of the home and we do things on our timeframe. Example: mom will say we need chicken from the freezer downstairs. If someone doesn’t go down and get it immediately, there she goes downstairs to get it. UGGGH. Another example…I could be on a meeting, she will knock on the door and I shake my head no. She will then write a note, open the door and want me to read the note. The note was not important and could have waited. I am getting so frustrated! Oh the washing machine dings it is done…she tells us, we don't jump to transfer it and there she is transferring it. Help!
Stop jumping and let her get more exercise.
I GET that she has cognitive decline. I GET that she can only see her needs and nobody else’s. I GET that I have to be the adult and the patient one, but F&@K, it’s HARD.
I have 5 dependents right now. Two are under 8 years old. 3 are over 75. Plus, I have to run a household, manage appointments, caregivers, food, laundry, oh my, the list never ends. Would it kill her to just WAIT a few bloody minutes?!?!
My MIL doesn’t do it herself. She knows she can’t. She glares and yells.
Of course you don’t want an 82 year old woman going up and down basement stairs - let her do that??? Not sure what other people are thinking…. Of course, they’re not going to go with you to the ER when she falls and needs an ambulance…
So, in terms of helpful advice, I’d put a hook latch on the basement door, just out of her reach. It will help keep her safe, if nothing else. I don’t have much helpful advice beyond that, I’m afraid. Just commiserations, and be glad she doesn’t scream at you like a banshee for not getting exactly what she wants, wanting you do drop everything you’re doing and cater to her. I swear, the house could be on fire, but she’ll be screaming that I don’t turn off all the lights (to prevent sundowning) and so to get off my butt and turn them off.
*sigh*
Honestly, one day at a time.
We can teach people learned helplessness and to be overly dependent by not letting them do what they can while they can still do it.
I have a friend that is 90 years old and does stairs whenever she can. She is careful and capable of doing them. Since OP said her mom does them, I assume she is capable of managing them or they would have already put a stop measure in.
Do I worry about her falling? No, because life happens and she could trip over her own foot and crack her skull on a flat surface.
I learned a long time ago that you can't protect others from themselves and it does NO good to worry about "what if?"
I am a firm believer that we can pull things in by worrying about them, like self fulfilling prophecy stuff.
That's what I was thinking with my answer.
Look into Memory Care Assisted Living if things become too unmanageable for you or if she starts wandering or getting into too much trouble at home. In order to be able to care for a demented elder at home successfully, it has to work for ALL the family members involved without anyone having a nervous breakdown in the process!
Good luck!
I had an incident with a client today. She called and texted me multiple times while my cell was off. I was dealing with some personal things. My phone was off for all of 20 minutes. I later discovered she had called four of my co-workers insisting that they call me on her behalf.
I called her as soon as I could.
It took an extra 20 minutes out of my day having to reassure the people that she called that it was not urgent (deadline for her paperwork is more than 2 months away.)
I told my boss, that tomorrow I am setting boundaries with her. I have other clients, she should not expect an immediate reply, but I will call her back in a timely manner. But on my time. She is not to call other people in the company, who cannot help her as do not have access to her records, due to privacy regulations.
I am a financial planner, not a medical person or care giver who is ignoring her urgent medical needs.
Watching this effect now myself. Interesting. With the moderate/severe one - I'll say "yes" (but not do the thing straight away). Sometimes I get away with that.. 😅 coz The Thing has been passed on & sometimes that's enough.
The other, while much milder, with intact memory CAN wait. Well says CAN wait.. but has access to a 'flying monkey' who flies into action to coralle others to do The Thing. (I haven't yet worked out if the monkey is being being sent or is self-appointed).
thank you for the replies. I keep telling my sister it is because she is afraid she is going to forget and does not want to be forgetful. However this crosses over to us….meaning it is not her “job” to let us know the laundry stopped. I get she thinks she is being “helpful” but it is maddening. Always reminding us what needs to be done, always reminding us what we have to do or where we need to go. It is all part of the process and I get it, was just wondering how others are coping with it or is there a way to cope. Mom has her limits and mobility is an issue, I also get she has stopped doing independent things such as driving, cooking dinner etc. we encourage her to do her embroidery to keep busy and she has her own suite that she can puts around in.
i explain to my sister it is only going to get worse and we just have to figure out how to cope and deal with it.
What can she do that will physically wear her out?
Can she vacuum? Can she fold, hang up, sort the laundry?
Can she dust?
Many of these older women are used to being busy and productive, that mentality doesn't stop when they get old. She obviously needs projects that make her feel productive and burn her physical energy.
Maybe she can cut up old clothes for rags, make small blankets for animal shelters, embroider bags to donate to DCS to hand out when they are removing children from their homes, something encouraging or? Maybe she can make the bags before she embroidered them. One project at a time to keep her focus off what you should be doing.
The reasons for the constant urgency on everything stem from being bored and wanting attention, or the elder is testing everyone to make sure they are going to be obeyed and still in control of everything and everyone.
My mother tries at this behavior all the time and it worked on me for years. It doesn't anymore. With her everything is an emergency and a crisis. The "I'll do it myself then" is also part of it. Elders often use that one as a threat. So if mom falls down the stairs trying to get a chicken out of the freezer and it will be your fault. Everyone will blame you for not jumping up at once to get the chicken. Believe me when I say, when this behavior is starting, the elder getting attention is worth the risk of getting hurt . Put a lock on the downstairs door so your mother can't get down there. This is what I had to do in the house. Baby-proofing and elder-proofing is the same thing.
My mother will demand I cook something many times a day or threatens to do it herself. I take the knobs off the stove, so good luck with cooking. This might sound petty and knit-picking, but I assure you it isn't. The elder has to get used to the world not running on their schedule. Even if they have dementia, they must adapt to no one dropping everything and rushing to attention because they've become fixated on some ridiculous thing or another. It's called ignoring with love. I've worked for many seniors even with dementia where everything had to be immediate and an emergency. I never jumped to it and they adapted. The fixating and everything being a crisis behavior stopped with me during my time with them. Like with children when they're not getting attention, they stop. Then they'd pick it back up when the family came home. Until a family sets strong boundaries that they all stick to.
My mother if her instant demand isn't immediately fulfilled will then instigate a fight if she's bored. I Grey Rock her an walk away. Then she'll move on to the next person in the house my nephew. He does the same thing.
You must set strong boundaries with her. The same as with children.
Unacceptable and overly demanding behavior = 0 attention.
Instigating and looking for a fight = 0 attention.
Orneriness and complaining for the sake of complaining = 0 attention.
My mother learned this math quickly when I got serious about it. So will yours.
Think about the situation in these terms and it will make sense.
Do adults leave work or drop everything instantaneously because the child demands candy that very second?
No. They do not. In fact, if the child goes too far and throws a tantrum about it they get punished.
Don't drop everything instantaneously because the elder demands chicken.
Then talk with the rest of your family about finding mom something to do with her time. Explore adult daycare a few days a week. Maybe her town has a senior center where she can go during the day. If she refuses, then be very clear that the choice is to comply or she can't remain living in the house. Make her understand that all of the interruptions is putting your job at risk. The constant demands is putting everyone's health at risk too. If she's not willing to be open-minded about a senior day program stay true to your word and move her into a facility.
You learned how to cope and have managed fairly well just as you say.
I'm so sure the whole world didn't stand at attention waiting for you to make a demand that they will fulfill immediately.
There has to be boundaries. Elders have to adapt to ridiculous demands not being immediately met. The same way children have to adapt to not getting their own way every second.
I was in a meeting at work, my cell phone rings it's my mother and my cell phone especially during work is "supposed to be for emergencies". The emergency, the store on her side of town was out of hot chocolate mix. So I told her that I would gets some at the store after work. I get in the car to go home phone rings again. It's of course my mother. " I know you are driving home but I used the recipe on the side of the cocoa box to make hot chocolate so you don't have to go get cocoa mix" Before I could say anything she hangs up.
If the call is important, call back. If it's total nonsense, ignore it.
In nursing homes and care facilities things are done on a schedule.
There's a medication schedule. A meal time schedule. A showering and hygiene schedule, and even a toileting schedule. The aides make scheduled rounds and that's when diapers get changed., bedpans given, and trips to the toilet are made. Nursing homes are not hospitals. They don't have that much staff. Even in a hospital people sometimes have to wait to get changed or taken to the toilet. No nurse in a nursing home is going to change a diaper. So if the aides aren't available immediately because they have other duties, then the person waits their turn or until the scheduled time for toileting and diaper changing. Most nursing homes use an every two hours schedule for toileting residents and changing diapers.
I live in a 4 level split with 3 sets of stairs 6 steps a set. Mom was in our lower level with a bath of her own. She suffered from neuropathy in her ankles so needed help up the steps. Many a time I put up a baby gate to keep her from coming up the steps. Especially at night. Bi-levels each set of stairs has up to 14 steps. Is there a way that a baby gate can be put across the stairs on tge main level?
If Mom has no money other than SS and maybe a pension, Medicaid may help with Daycare costs if she fits the criteria. Your state may pay for AL. Check with ur Social Service office,
Well mom is just doing what she is use to doing.
She's not going to change so either choose to ask how high when she asks you to jump or don't let it bother you that she doesn't wait.
As far as bothering you when you're on a call, ect you need to have a talk with mom and make some ground rules and stick by them.
Maybe if your door is locked, don't bother you unless the house is on fire or she is sick.
Is your mother living with your sister's family going to be feasible for the long haul?
Can you make us a list of what we need at the store? Here come sit at the kitchen table. I'll get you a cup of coffee. Your such a great help. We could use your help, since we are so busy. Thank you ma. Give big hug.
Mom I got a nice puzzle for you, how about doing it at this table? It's a great one. Kills 2 hrs.
Ma can you set the table for dinner. Your always so helpful. Ma can you empty the dishwasher, I'll put the silverware up here on the counter for you. Ill get the plates and set them on the counter so you can put them away one at a time. That way she's not bending over if she is unsteady on her feet. Ma here is a great 1940 show on TCM. It's a classic! Did you dress like that as a young woman with skirts and stockings every day? I bet you looked so pretty. Did you really set your hair with curlers, or did you do a wash & set down at the beauty parlor? Things like that. Ma here is a great cooking show on the cooking Channel. This meal looks good. Have you ever made that.
How about everyone have a meal together and she can tell you stories from her childhood or being a young married woman with her new house before the kids were born. That must have been very exciting. Or what your dad did before he met her. How did they meet and court? What kind if car did he drive? Or about what was going on in history then. My dad would light up like a Christmas tree telling stories when he was a young man in the military.
You won't get that chance after she is gone. I know with my parents there are so many questions I wish I could ask and can't.
I know I would love hearing stories like that before it's too late. I heard stories about my great grandmother after her passing. I would have loved to find out more, but it was too late.
Maybe she won't feel so alone. Everyone is busy, but if they make time like a nice family dinner she might calm down with the do this right now thing if she gets more attention for a little while. She feels like she is there, but not important. In the background waiting. Worth a shot.
You guys are all really busy. She is SOOOO BORED and so when the washing machine goes off it's time to get it out in the dryer. Its the only thing going on in her life at that time. She sees it as something to be done now bc shes got just that 1 thing. You guys have 10 other things going on, and 20 more that need to get done that day, so you see how it is important to her. She's got nothing going on. Give her something to fo.
Maybe that will calm things down a bit. Good luck.
This is a sign of age related memory loss. Another cause is many elderly have nothing else to keep them occupied other than these small tasks, and it makes them feel relevant. If she is able to do some of those tasks, like transferring the laundry - just let her do it. You may also be able to disable ding on the washer and dryer. I would install a hook and eye lock up high on the basement door so she's not going up and down those stairs. Not much more I can offer here.
She might also need something to occupy her time and her focus. She may not have anything and feels bored or lonely.
It's all the same. It's all emergent. They do this especially to paid Brother's Wife, and paid Brother's Wife parrots this to "family" to help for free unlike her. However, when the indy comes, the demanding stops. They have more boundaries with the indy.