My mother lives with my sister and she agreed to give my sister 400 a month for rent to live there. My sister recently put herself on our mother’s account while my mother was sick with a UTI. Now my mother has discovered that my sister is also taking another 700 a month for living with her. Combined with the 400 it’s almost half of her social security.
Don't complain if your mother is being well cared for and looked after by your sister 24/7 for $700 a month. Your mother is the one getting the sweet deal here not your sister.
Your sister does not have to allow your mother to live in her house for free and does not have to take care of her for free. If there are plans for Medicaid at some point beccause she may be getting placed, they do not expect a person to have been living for free and getting free care. So not to worry.
You should count yourself lucky that you aren't the one who has to do the caregiving.
The sister is concerned about the cash, not the mother's living arrangements or medical treatments (UTI.) MY interpretation of the question. And there are several others here who read it the same way I did - those of us with firsthand experience. So before you tell someone "you don't know what you are talking about" reflect. In this instance, ask yourself which sister paid for the UTI treatment/meds, or was that part of the $400 arrangement?
We are all here because of similarly shared experiences and provide answers based on those experiences and opinions. I'm not sure why I received your ire today. Comments like "If you had the ability, you would encourage / recommend this writer contact an attorney. Clearly, you do not." are axiomatic of issues you are facing other than differences of opinion. Good luck to you.
Well said.
You may have to get mom to contact bank to find out how sis added her name to bank account without her authorization. Or mom needs to go to bank to update and remove sis's name.
* Depends on if your mother is deemed mentally unable to manage her own affairs due to dementia. Has a diagnosed been made? Is your mom of sound mind?
* Is there a paper trail? Does your sister have anything in writing?
I would think verbal approval of transferring funds or taking a parent's money is not enough to do that, legally.
* Do you have authority to get bank statements or a copy? Are you on any legal documents to manage her care / finances? Can you do this? Someone needs to manage her finances and get copies of statements.
- I would immediately get authorization from your mom to manage her finances / banking and get your name on her accounts - even as a 'co-signer' - I would block your sister from being able to make transfers - however you need to do this (change passwords, etc.).
* What is your mom's living situation? It sounds like your mom (and sister) are paying rent). And, that your mom has no other financial resources besides ss. And, that your sister is taking half of that.
* See an attorney if you feel it is necessary. If this were my mom, and sister, I would contact an attorney.
Gena / Touch Matters
Please THINK before you sarcastically respond here.
You do not know what you are talking about.
Caregiving is one issue - and not this one.
Stealing from a mother - taking all her income is quite another.
In addition, the writer NEVER indicated anything about caregiving.
And, if that were / is the situation, clear documentation of what daughter is doing, hours etc., payment records need to be upfront.
This appears to clearly be a fraud situation.
If you had the ability, you would encourage / recommend this writer contact an attorney. Clearly, you do not. Your post should not have been allowed to go through.
-If your mom is not of sound mind and now requires someone else to manage her finances, there is no more "discussing things" with your cognitively declined mom. If she could handle it, you and your sister wouldn't be involved
-I don't think this is just "renting your mom a room" for $400 a month. If your mom needs care.....fed, housed, meds given, never left alone, taken to dr appts, grocery shopping, bills managed, taxes files, laundry washed, help with bathing ect.... $400 doesn't touch it and quite frankly neither does $700.
- Do you think your mom drinks and eats $13 worth of food per day (3 meals total)? That alone is $400 a month.
- Call an assisted living facility to see what they charge to let your mom rent an efficiency apartment that includes meals and you will understand what I mean
-Or better yet, take on your moms care and get back with us and let us know if $400 is appropriate compensation for changing your life and taking on the responsibility of another person (.56cents per hr).
I am not trying to be harsh, I just think that the majority of the time when one sibling has taken on the responsibility, the other sibling doesn't have a clue what is involved, how hard it is and what it cost.
Btw just a thought... What are the other siblings contributing to moms care if anything? Umm if the answer is nothing then that is not right. Imho parents look after kids and it's our duty to do the same if at all possible. If that means physically caregiving financial or whatever it's only right. Otherwise id have to tell siblings to mind their own affairs. Mom deserves excellent care and surroundinga and id ur sister is providing that then I see no issue.
My mom is stage 4 Inflammatory breast cancer and on in home hospice. She's on a fixed income and I work as much as possible until I can't any longer due to moms health BUT mom and I split everything to make this situation possible.
Hope this helps...
Those who (like me, igloo and notgoodenough) think Mom is getting a HUGE BARGAIN here are RIGHT.
Those who (like Temple) think that Mom is getting bilked and the wolf at the door in the form of little red riding sister should report at once, may also be right.
It depends.
And the moral to this tale is that when you take in an elder DO GET THAT CARE CONTRACT.
It is so important for so many reasons.
It was RealyReal here who taught me that there is a world of difference in wording things under the law as "shared living costs" as in no taxes, rather than rental. That and a million other things I learned right here.
Our OP needs to learn to report not to a Forum of strangers but to APS and simply ASK that they check for suspicious activity whether it is elder abuse or not. When they check they can advise care giving sis to get a care contract. Mom can also put anyone on accounts she wishes but there's better ways to do it. It's all a learning process.
$1,100 all-in to pay for moms room & board with meals, utilities, cable, “chaffeur” service, laundry, maid services, medication management & companionship. What a deal. There’s lots of us on this site who would love LOVE to have a sibling set up to do this and do this for a parent with dementia and has had a UTI and who knows what other infirmities and do it for only 50% of monthy income.
$1100 a month is $275.00 a week; and will suss out to be under whatever your State has as its minimum wage. Even if your in a crappy wage State - like mine or my adjacents (LA, TX, MS) that has $7.25 hr min wage.
The cost for AL abt $4K - $7K and most do medication management and any transportation costs as an added on a la carte cost.
NH run 6K-18K. MC somewhere btw AL and NH.
Your mom is getting a deal. That Sissy even does this and continues to do this is amazeballs.
Who advocates for those caregivers who are falsely accused, I wonder?
Do you really think in this instance, even if sister were "pocketing" $1100 a month, that's an unreasonable sum of money to live on? I would say in just about any neighborhood in the US, that would be considered, at the least, reasonable, if not cheap. Throw in caregiving to boot? Really? Who is being taken advantage of here, in all honesty?
So, are you getting this info directly from mom - who, according to your profile has ALZ/dementia? In which case, are you completely sure she is in full understanding of the facts? Could it be, for instance, that your sister, with whom your mom is living, "added" herself to mom's accounts so mom's bills would be paid on time because mom was starting to forget what and when they were due? Or so the bills could be paid while mom was in the hospital, especially if that's a common occurrence?
At the end, I had to take on the paying of my mother's bills, because even without dementia, she was not keeping on top of her payments. Things like her health insurance, her estimated taxes, her utilities and the like. I didn't have to "add" myself to her account, because we did everything through online banking, but there are a lot of people who still want to write old-fashioned checks, perhaps your mom is one of these?
Or is it possible that mom is so deeply into her illness, that she is being paranoid about her money, which is also a symptom of dementia? Like maybe that $700 is an auto payment for something, and your mom can't understand that, so is accusing your sister of stealing it?
And if it does come down to sister "charging" mom $1100 to live with her, I still think that's a bargain. Especially for someone who is receiving caregiving along with the "rent".
Before you start making accusations, I think I would do a little more research as to what, exactly, is going on. Unless you want to create a rift between you and your sibling that might not be fixable when all is said and done.
If there is no relationship here between the sisters so that this sister cannot simply ASK, and if she is coming up with accusations when she isn't the caregiver, I think it arouses suspicions.
Go figure all that. It just keeps going up. Happily so do my interest rates I get on my CDs.
Unhappily so does the interest rate on our national debt!
There we go.
Igloo above says Mom's getting a big bargain, and she IS.
But it would be good to get that in writing to keep the wolf (dressed as little red riding ) from the door.
A joint account can be closed by only one of the account owners. It happened to me. My mom had my sibling & myself on her account and sibling closed it and opened a new one without my name.
When I contacted the bank they told me that any one of the account holders could have done this
So something is quite wrong with this story.
Have to spoken with your sister, or is this one of those cases where the siblings cannot get along?
If you mother made your sister POA (which hopefully she did) then the sister would be on the account as the POA for mother, and yes, she would write checks for the rental costs.
It is a shame that someone isn't POA seeing an attorney, because the payment of "rental" is taxable while the payment of "shared living costs" for rent and food and whatever is NOT taxable. And there needs to be a really good paper trail of any payments for anything if mom in future is to qualify for any help from Medicaid should it be needed.
If your mother wishes to make YOU her POA you can address all of this.
You can also take your mother to an elder law attorney because if your sister is STEALING From mother then she can be investigated.
If you have concerns that you sister, who is rendering full time care to your mother (and 700 would be CHEAP for that) is abusive then call APS or see an elder law attorney.
A UTI (in most cases) does not preclude putting someone on your accounts, by the way. Most people do not go dotty with UTI, tho some do suffer some confusion.
This is a LEGAL MATTER. You require EXPERT advice, as those of us on Forum can do little but throw our hands up in the air with chagrin or offer our sympathy.
Check it out and I hope you will come back to update us about what you find after investigation.
My Mom (94) lives in the house next door, which my husband and I own. She pays rent enough to only cover the expenses for the house. This is basically half her SS check (she has other assets as well). I create an invoice every month and she pays me via auto transfer so that it's the same amount, same transaction description and payment happens on the same day of the month. I also buy all the food and do almost all the cooking, so she contributes a token amount for this as well. Even so, the cost of everything is outstripping her SS (and many other seniors as well).
If your Mom has dementia or memory loss, she may not remember agreeing to the financial arrangement. If your sister is your Mom's PoA, this also probably had to be done in person in front of an attorney and notarized by a notary. Usually the attorney privately interview the principle (the person creating the PoA) to determine capacity. It's a low bar, so even if she has a tiny bit of dementia and memory impairment, she probably "passed". But if you think there is financial abuse happening, you will need to take your actual proof to an attorney to sort it out.
Also if mom doesn't have a DPOA, this might be the time to get all her legal documents in place.
Hate to hear this but it can be resolved.