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My 67 year old mother came to live my fiancé and I about two years ago. She wasn’t living in the greatest neighborhood, and we wanted her to be safe. We were also trying for a baby, and thought it would be nice to have her around to help out if we were successful. We don’t charge her any rent, or expect too much from her.


About two months after she moved in, she started acting different. Her memory started to get bad, and all of the sudden she was completely incapable of independence. For example, finding her way around town on her own was impossible. We live across the river from where she was, so it’s just a different suburb. You’d think she was living in a different country. She stopped making her phone calls, running her own errands, etc. The simplest tasks like using the washing machine are like rocket science to her now. I have to do EVERYTHING for her now, and needless to say she is zero help to us. This happened so quickly after she moved in that I’m hesitant to believe it’s dementia. The doctors are too.


My mother has also always had a habit of being parasite- like when living with other people. She sponged off of her sister, then my late grandmother. However, she could still perform basic tasks and figure out how to get around. This is a woman who moved to Europe (to sponge off a naive man), and quickly figured things out. Lastly, she’s been taking prescription narcotics daily since long before I was born. I believe that is a large part of the problem.


My partner and I are becoming more and more frustrated by this, and don’t want her living with us anymore. We both work demanding full time jobs, and have a baby to focus on now, which she provides no help with. He has to go to a babysitter because she can’t handle it.


She also retired with no savings, and completely burns through what little money she gets every month from social security. I’m perplexed by this, seeing as how she has few bills, and pays no rent or utilities.


We don’t want to just kick her out if she has a legitimate issue, but we are also feeling taken for granted.


Any insight or help would be most appreciated.


thank you.

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I feel your frustration and doubts. My Mom has more or less become a fixture in my home. She does have several illnesses that she has been diagnosed with such as COPD, Dementia and Parkinsonism. She is definitely capable of moving and at least getting out of the recliner to walk around my very small home, but, she just sits and tells me her illnesses are stopping her. That is definitely not true. We had PT coming out to get her up and moving, unfortunately that ended because of Medicare as she used up the 3 months of therapy. The physical therapist told me that she could walk and should get up and walk at least every hour, but I feel that my Mom is just lazy and has no intention on getting up during the day. Her bottom is beginning to break down now. She sits in that recliner from 6:00am until bedtime at 8:00pm. However my Mother was always a very LAZY women. My Dad kept the house clean when he was alive and it went to complete crap after he died. She is also a hoarder and her home was unreal when it came time for me to clear it out to move her in with me. I refuse to allow her to hoard in my home.
I am feeling that because I care for her, that she is taking me for granted and definitely taking advantage of me.
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Txclayton61 Feb 2022
I have a live-in MIL that sounds like your mom’s identical twin. I cope by changing the soundtrack in my head of all the things I want to call her and say to her. If I let that keep playing, I will be the one to lose my mind before she does. I recall positive affirmations about God and his beautiful promises, and pray when I get a few minutes alone.
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"...has been taking prescription narcotics since before I was born"????????

Who is supplying her with these? For what ailment?

The doctor doesn't "think" it's dementia? Based on what investigations?

It sounds as though your mom has had some lifelong mental health challenges. In your shoes, I think I would get her to a geriatric psychiatrist and start there trying figure out why the sudden change in mental status.

I would also call the local Area Agency on Aging and find out where in your area there are low cost subsidized housing for the elderly. Get her on EVERY WAITING LIST you can. Sometimes they are years long.

Find out if Medicaid in your state will cover the cost of Assisted Living and get her on waiting lists for those places as well.
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Sometimes wanting our parents to be someone they never were and never will be gets us into trouble, like in your case. Respectfully, you knew she had a drug habit and sponged off people before you invited her to live with you and you did it anyway. So now, what would be a legitimate issue that would change your mind about keeping her in your home? Nothing.

Is it possible she could have a UTI, which can cause dementia-like symptoms? Sure. She could have a thyroid problem, diabetes, vitamin deficiency, HBP, or other illnesses that would cause her change in behavior. She could even have early onset dementia (which can only be diagnosed by discounting the other illnesses). BUT the most likely culprit is her prescription drug habit and that's why she "completely burns through what little money she gets every month from social security".

Does she have Medicare so she can go to the doctor to get tested to discount other illnesses? Are you willing to go with her to help get this done while she's in this impaired cognitive state? Does she think she has a problem and is she willing to go? If not and you are not her PoA then you have no power in this situation except to move her out. Call social services about Section 8 housing to see if she qualifies. She won't like it but you have no choice, really. You must pull your head out of the sand and l@@k at the reality of who she is and will continue to be (barring an actual other medical diagnosis). I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
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I am reading you post/question and in my head I am screaming the same comments that BarbBrooklyn is saying.
the "doctor" that is hesitant to call it dementia...has he/she tested your mom? has your mom been referred to a Neurologist? or a Neuropsychologist? She should at least see a Neurologist.
It is possible that she has been having mini strokes. Vascular Dementia is a possibility.
HOW is she getting the narcotics? WHY is she getting them?

and stupid question here but have you sat down with your mom and told her that she is not contributing, she is making more work for you not less and that it can not continue. If she does not begin to do more she will have to find another place to live.
Give her a deadline. If things do not change she has to be out by March 1.
(you will have to be tough with this if you give a deadline so before you give an ultimatum you have to be ready to stick to it)
Research a few places that would work for her. Independent Living if that is an option, Assisted Living, (both expensive) An apartment or condo (something she can afford NOT supplemented by you) Senior housing or if you can find a group home in your area.

Also begin to research what other services might be available to and for her. Adult Day Care? Is there a local Senior Center that she can go to and get involved in activities. If she is doing nothing around the house I can see where it might be boredom, it could be depression if she has no motivation. It very well could be dementia, depression and rather than being lazy if we are dealing with dementia it might be that she does not know what to do, how to get started and how to follow through. If you are dealing with dementia it is not going to get better it will get worse. And if that is the case looking at Apartments, Condo or Independent Living or even Assisted Living is not going to last long she would have to transition to Memory Care.
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rackel1213 Feb 2022
Yes, she’s been to a neurologist and they claimed to find nothing wrong. Her regular doctor thinks it’s just depression and gave her an anti depressant. She’s been getting her prescriptions from doctors all these years, claiming to have all kinds of different pain. They handed them out line candy to her back in the seventies, and now she’s on a low dose “pain contract” to wean off of them. Too little too late as far as I’m concerned.

I applied for Medicaid for her and a social worker is going to contact me on her behalf about assisted living.

I know I probably should never have had her move in with us to begin with, but I was genuinely concerned for her welfare and believed it to be the only option.
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Well, if you're 41 and mom has been using narcotics daily since long before you were born, her brain is probably fried now as a result. Maybe she started taking more narcotics when she moved in with you and that threw her over the edge, making her lose her memory and become lost and bewildered. That CAN happen. Drug use for decades has a way of decimating ones brains!

Get her a cognitive evaluation and go from there. If she does have dementia, she likely can't live alone, so you'll need to apply for Medicaid on her behalf for facility placement in long term care, I guess.

It's too bad you took her in to begin with. No good deed goes unpunished, it seems. I wish you the best of luck trying to get mom out of your house and situated safely somewhere else so you can enjoy your new baby in peace.
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Get her a geriatrician and have her sign Hippa forms for you to be included in medical conversations. Have her evaluated by a neurologist. Get answers before you judge her.
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