I started taking care of my grandma about a month ago, she has dementia/Alzheimer's. She is in denial and continues to say she is going to get better. Is it cruel for me not to help her if she doesn't specifically ask for help? I will give direction when I see her showering incorrectly or grabbing the wrong item but will not do stuff for her unless she specifically asks for help with a task. I just don't know what the right thing is. her cognitive brain is less functioning but she is mostly physically able and insists on walking without a cane also.
Her brain doesn't know she needs help. You can instruct her about showering or other tasks, and she won't remember next time. If she insists on walking without a cane, she is a fall risk, and that can be the start of lights out for a dementia patient. Whoever got you into taking care of grandma needs to help you get out of it.
Good luck to both of you, and please ket us know how it's going.
If your grandmother isn't asking for help and you don't note that she NEEDS help with doing something (slicing carrots?), then why would you offer. It is very demeaning to take a job away from someone that can handle it, likely enjoys it, and can do it well.
The need is measured by whether there is danger involved. That is, if grandmother doesn't have the cognition to cook anymore, she would be in danger doing so. But if she DOES and loves it? That's GREAT and helps her maintain independence.
If grandmother is grabbing the bleach to brush her teeth she needs help.
If she's just a bit messy with toothpaste she doesn't.
To give a better answer to you, which you deserve, I think perhaps give us two or three SPECIFICS.
Regarding your question, this would be something to talk with her health-care provider(s) about. You could check with them whether they could arrange for an occupational therapist or other professional to do an in-home consultation for you.
Time for grandmas children to step up and figure out what her care is going to look like that doesn't include you.
If something is dangerous, certainly step in.
But, please recognize, as her cognitive function fails, she will not know what to ask for. She may even ask for the wrong thing. Confusion will set in, and everyday tasks which we take for granted and do without thinking, she will forget or not understand. She does need you to step in and help more. But I do applaud you letting her try and be independent. Of course, let her do as much as she can on her own. But, when she fails to do it adequately, go ahead and offer a hand.
You will need to take over more, and know and anticipate what her needs are.
It's a horrible thing to watch our loved ones lose their cognitive function. They begin to resemble a small child. The person we knew is gone. All their strength, determination, intellect, and memories start to slowly slip away.
Recognize when caring for your grandma is beyond your capability. It's ok to get professional help, even if that means moving her into a care home with 24 hour professional care.
Thanks for being participatory in the forum and for giving us the extra information and examples. It so helps us with the answers. Thanks for letting us know who you are and why you have CHOSEN to be caregiver here. Makes you very real to us.
On the basis of your answers to me and to others below I think you could teach a CLASS in how to do this. As an RN I spent a lifetime watching OT and PT work with elders, and speak to families and to other staff. They tell us to try to stay calm, to stop "doing it FOR them", to let them work with it and it will teach us patience, that everything we can do to HELP THEM remain INDEPENDENT as long as they can is an enormous gift to them.
GOOD LUCK. You are doing it, imho, RIGHT!!!!!
The thing is, they don't get better. Over time you will be doing a lot for her. You gave the seat belt as an example. Yes, let her try to do it herself. But don't let her get frustrated. When she has tried a couple of times say "let me help you with that, they are tricky" or just put it on her when you help her in the car. Just do it automatically. I thought the same way, let Mom try, but she lost the ability anyway.
There are memory issues but feelings of self worth, accomplishment and joy are intact. If your heart is in the right place, and you continue to learn you will be a fine caregiver. UTube videos have good information.
She will 'insist' on everything. She doesn't know what is in her best interest / welfare. She won't be able to ask for the help she needs --- she doesn't have the cognitive ability (brain functioning) to do so ... if she does, it is confused 'thinking' reflective of how her brain functions (confused, hallucinations, etc.)
You cannot 'do' anything she says. You must do what she needs.
She needs 24/7 care / supervision.
Please study / educate yourself on what dementia is (how the brain changes) so you will be better able to manage yourself and cope.
And, absolutely NOT - you are not cruel. You are taking care of yourself and know your limits. This is not easy for any of us. Knowing what you can and cannot handle / manage is critically important. It is REALLY GOOD that you wrote us here and asked.
Discuss this with:
your parent(s) - or her adult children.
her MD
Whoever has legal authority to make decisions on her behalf.
You absolutely SHOULD NOT be doing this 'work' as you are inexperienced and it takes a person who understands dementia and has 120% patience and on 24/7 to manage.
Hopefully, she isn't living alone.
Get out of this situation ASAP. Others / family / state need to step in.
Gena / Touch Matters