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I started taking care of my grandma about a month ago, she has dementia/Alzheimer's. She is in denial and continues to say she is going to get better. Is it cruel for me not to help her if she doesn't specifically ask for help? I will give direction when I see her showering incorrectly or grabbing the wrong item but will not do stuff for her unless she specifically asks for help with a task. I just don't know what the right thing is. her cognitive brain is less functioning but she is mostly physically able and insists on walking without a cane also.

It's very kind of you to want to take care of grandma, but this is a case where she's only going to get worse, never better. She needs a team of professionals to care for her now. You don't have the training to do what they do.

Her brain doesn't know she needs help. You can instruct her about showering or other tasks, and she won't remember next time. If she insists on walking without a cane, she is a fall risk, and that can be the start of lights out for a dementia patient. Whoever got you into taking care of grandma needs to help you get out of it.

Good luck to both of you, and please ket us know how it's going.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I would not say it is "cruel" to do no more than she asks for.
But, please recognize, as her cognitive function fails, she will not know what to ask for. She may even ask for the wrong thing. Confusion will set in, and everyday tasks which we take for granted and do without thinking, she will forget or not understand. She does need you to step in and help more. But I do applaud you letting her try and be independent. Of course, let her do as much as she can on her own. But, when she fails to do it adequately, go ahead and offer a hand.

You will need to take over more, and know and anticipate what her needs are.
It's a horrible thing to watch our loved ones lose their cognitive function. They begin to resemble a small child. The person we knew is gone. All their strength, determination, intellect, and memories start to slowly slip away.

Recognize when caring for your grandma is beyond your capability. It's ok to get professional help, even if that means moving her into a care home with 24 hour professional care.
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Nietamayor:
Thanks for being participatory in the forum and for giving us the extra information and examples. It so helps us with the answers. Thanks for letting us know who you are and why you have CHOSEN to be caregiver here. Makes you very real to us.

On the basis of your answers to me and to others below I think you could teach a CLASS in how to do this. As an RN I spent a lifetime watching OT and PT work with elders, and speak to families and to other staff. They tell us to try to stay calm, to stop "doing it FOR them", to let them work with it and it will teach us patience, that everything we can do to HELP THEM remain INDEPENDENT as long as they can is an enormous gift to them.

GOOD LUCK. You are doing it, imho, RIGHT!!!!!
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DaughterByLaw Jan 12, 2026
Well said AlvaDeer!
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If Grandma is on her own, she should not be. I think we all are ill equipped to take care of a LO if we have no training. If you see grandma doing something she shouldn't of course you step in to help. Does she have a POA, for finances, who is paying her bills out of her bank account? I am so not for grandchildren caring for grandparents if their are children. You deserve to start your life going to College or finding a job not caring for someone.
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Nietamayor Jan 1, 2026
Thank you JoAnn. A little background: my uncle is her POA. Her children have a very wounded past with her and 3 of the 4 are emotional unable to deal with her full time, plus 2 of them don't live near at all so its me and 2 of her children. I am 35 and I have worked in many jobs in my field and have traveled a bit so don't feel too bad for me, this was a choice for sure. I do give her guidance when something is off, like trying to put soap on her toothbrush instead of toothpaste or forgetting how to rub lotion on. But i mean with something, like putting on a seatbelt, she is in the process of doing but she looses patience with herself. I have been telling her to take a breath and start over that there is no rush and that everything is ok, but i won't do it for her automatically or right away. Is not very many things like that. Just a couple of tasks. I keep thinking that the more she does the task the longer it will be possible for her to do it, if that makes sense, But im not grasping here I think.
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Let her function on her own as long as possible. We lose skills by not doing them.

If something is dangerous, certainly step in.
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LoopyLoo Jan 1, 2026
She is going to lose those skills regardless.
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Sorry but I don't understand.
If your grandmother isn't asking for help and you don't note that she NEEDS help with doing something (slicing carrots?), then why would you offer. It is very demeaning to take a job away from someone that can handle it, likely enjoys it, and can do it well.

The need is measured by whether there is danger involved. That is, if grandmother doesn't have the cognition to cook anymore, she would be in danger doing so. But if she DOES and loves it? That's GREAT and helps her maintain independence.

If grandmother is grabbing the bleach to brush her teeth she needs help.
If she's just a bit messy with toothpaste she doesn't.

To give a better answer to you, which you deserve, I think perhaps give us two or three SPECIFICS.
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Nietamayor Jan 1, 2026
Yes absolutely what you are saying makes perfect sense and that is how it is being done. She is very good with helping in the kitchen, she chooses how to participate and for how long and all of that. I do make sure to keep her safe. I mean with tasks that she might be getting frustrated with but its in the middle of doing. The best example I have is putting on a seatbelt, she will be in the process of doing it but seems to get a bit frustrated with it. I encourage her to try one more time and she usually gets it done that second time. I understand that it will get harder for her to remember how to do the things but I don't want to inpeed if she is actively working on doing something and its not an immediate danger of course. I am aware that safety is #1 and i wouldn't just take off in the car without making sure her seatbelt is on correctly.
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May I ask, why are you taking care of your grandma? Is she paying you to do so, or is another family member paying you from grandma's money? Are you getting at least minimum wage, with taxes properly paid, so that you get credit towards Social Security? It's very kind of you to take care of her, but you should not have your present life and economic future short-circuited if someone has guilt-tripped or pressured you into doing this.

Regarding your question, this would be something to talk with her health-care provider(s) about. You could check with them whether they could arrange for an occupational therapist or other professional to do an in-home consultation for you.
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Nietamayor Jan 1, 2026
not being paid. I am a granddaughter but I am not in my teens or twenties, im 35. I will absolutely make sure we bring it with the provider. Thank you for ur concerns and insight.
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Thank you for your response.

The thing is, they don't get better. Over time you will be doing a lot for her. You gave the seat belt as an example. Yes, let her try to do it herself. But don't let her get frustrated. When she has tried a couple of times say "let me help you with that, they are tricky" or just put it on her when you help her in the car. Just do it automatically. I thought the same way, let Mom try, but she lost the ability anyway.
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Where are you parents? They should bear responsibility for this situation, not you. You should not take this on. I would suggest that you never move in with Grandma to save you rent money in exchange for helping her. Helping her will become a more than full time job. You will have no life of your own. If Grandma is not wealthy, and has to go on Medicaid to get into a nursing home, the government will take the house to pay for her care, and you will be left homeless, with no skills that will transfer to a good job, unless you want to care for other old people, which by then you will not. Get out of this situation before it goes too far down this road.
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I don't care how "wounded" her kids's pasts are and that some of them live far away. She is not your responsibility. Her kids need to put their big girls panties on and take responsibility. We are all wounded in some way - guess what - nobody cares! Life goes on and responsibilities continue. They can get her into a facility, and you can visit and help that way. Time for her kids to get off their rumps and get the situation under control, even if it is just to place her in a facility.
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