Is it common for a spouse of many years to exclude their SO from their inheritance?

WorriedinCali
Right. That’s why she’s upset. Got nothing to do with the lying and deceit and sense of betrayal

she was good enough to work her butt off to put children through their education but not good enough to share “his money” with. Delusional

Also this should be a wake up call as to how much other money he has hidden from you. This won’t be the first time
this just happened to a friend of mine after 26 years of marriage. Husband had hidden 100’s of thousands of dollars from her and put it in a family trust made by her MIL and included the husbands 4 siblings as well so they all lied for decades. See how much he loves his money if you take 50% of everything including his inheritance

Wow. What a slap in the face
gi to a lawyer and get the facts of what you can and cannot do. Confront your husband with all children present. Then hear what he has to say. Then if he lies show him you have already spoken to someone about your rights
i think your husband and son think you will do as you are told
this is the way things were done in the “old country “. And a big FU to those who talked about it being his money and keeping wealth in the family. Bunch of wankers

I'd like to share with you how inheritance proceeded in my family.

My mother's cousin was very well to do. Estate of about 25 million when she passed away. My mother was this cousins best friend in the whole family. My mother passed away in 2000. At that time, her cousin invited my father over to visit every single Sunday from then on. They were good friends, talked for hours each Sunday, played cards together, bridge, and such. My father spent about an hour driving each way to go see her. My father would pick the cousin up and bring her to family holidays and get togethers, while I would take her back home after such events. Both my father and I had about 2 to 2.5 hour drives each event to bring her to the family events.

Said cousin passed away in 2010. She had made an addendum to her trust in 1998 and then again in 2010. In the 1998 trust my mother was listed as a beneficiary to receive 8% of the value of the trust, and her grand daughters to receive 2%. When the addendum was written in early 2010, my mothers portion of the trust was removed, since she was deceased and the grandaughters then received 5 % of the trust.

My father visited her for in excess of 10 years. The cousin died at the age of 102, she was very lonely and had watched all her friends die off, as she outlived them.

My father received nothing, not a cent, from the trust. My mothers portion was distributed among the grandaughters. The grandson received 2%. My aunt got the same as my mother would have, 8%, and my cousin, she got 7%. When my aunt passes away, depending on how much she saves or spends, my cousin will inherit that balance, so in total, said cousin gets 15% of total trust.

My two sisters got 15% each, I received nothing also, just like my father.

My mother and father always had separate accounts. I've never considered my family dysfunctional or unusual.

I won't be surprised if when my father passes away, he leaves his whole trust to me as the only son.... my sisters are quite comfortable since 2011.

Girlfriend and I are just fine and dandy with our arrangement, there's plenty of wise investments generating sufficient income to go around.

Given my experiences in life, I'd suggest that when the OP inherits, she's welcome to either deposit her inheritance in a separate account, and do with it as she sees fit. She always has the option to put some of the money in a joint account, if she sees fit. On the surface, it appears as if she will inherit well, from her side of the family.

I asked my husband how he would feel, and his response was “it’s your money to do whatever you want but I would hope we would talk about it.” I was relieved, as I feel the same way if either of us inherits anything.

Perhaps the husband could just be so overwhelmed with his mom passing and being executor of her will that he just parked the money somewhere until his thoughts had a chance to settle down. That’s what I would do — to keep it separate — until we were able to think clearly about what to do. At first I thought it odd that just 1 son was listed on the account. After reading a further response by the OP, I realize that makes sense as well, since the son is doing most if not all of the work regarding disbursement of the estate monies.

Yes, she is miffed, like anyone would be; and so many responses validated that. However, I do think assumptions have gotten a little out of hand — a classic case of imaginations gone wild due to emotions. Having a calm conversation I hope puts her fears at rest. It might not give her all the answers right now or the ones she wants (the money put into a joint account), but at least her thoughts would be based on what he says vs what she thinks is happening.

D2Peeps, I'm inclined to think that your son does not want to be complicit in this matter, and that's why he gave you that information. A heads-up, so to speak. Now that you have the info, you can act on it or let it be. If your son is a financial advisor, he would be the person your husband would work with. Especially if he handled his grandmother's finances before she died. Your husband may be protecting his children if and when he should die before you. Knowing they would make sure that you were taken care of into your old age.

An elderly friend of ours died and her husband blew all their life savings on a young girlfriend who, with the help of her husband, conned him out of everything he had, leaving their two children with nothing. One son had to care for him until he died. My husband thought he did nothing wrong, which makes me wonder if he'd do the same thing to our children with my mother's inheritence. Our children are not well-off. One of our children is a financial advisory and handles my mother's finances through me. I have DPOA and joint right of survivorship. It would be up to me to make sure they receive their share before I die. However, I wouldn't do it behind my husband's back. We'd sit down together with an attorney and work out the details.

So, yes, D2Peeps, you should be upset in the way DH handled the situation. But I wouldn't blame your son. He's in the middle. What did your son think you would do with this information? If there's way to approach hubby about his intentions, do it now. Also, let him know some trust has been compromised.

I believe 2peeps will come back once she's talked with her husband and/or an elder attorney. She got what she needed - validation of her feelings - and the conversations she needs to have are not easy. Let's give her some time and space. She may be acting on some of the advice we gave.

Thanks Barb!

I did see that after my post.

Unfortunately, it was buried as a reply to a reply - that was made several reply’s ago...

Im not too crazy about that feature -
the replying to a reply. Unless it happens to be really recent... other than that - things get lost.

The OP posted earlier:

Hey Joey: You really do seem to have a chip on your shoulder. First of all I will preface this by saying my inheritance will be quite comparable to my husbands which I had every intention of putting into our joint accounts. My question was to put this situation out on this forum as we appear to be of similar ages with caregiving as a commonality. While I stayed home raising our children it was my parents who took us on elaborate vacations, paid for the kids camps, Birthday parties and gave us their used cars instead of trading them in. They paid for the orthodontist as well as the addition on our house. I went back to work after 16 years to a lucrative income which put all our children through college. So shame on me for expecting to share in his inheritance. I saw the will and she left various amounts to her grandchildren and in no way stipulated how the money was to be used by anyone. You should not assume someone is a gold digger especially without all the facts. Everyone on this forum has been so kind in validating my feelings and giving me great advice which for all of them I am so grateful!

To put the legal question to rest:

“Statutory laws protect inheritances in all states. This means that if you receive an inheritance, the law declares that your spouse has no right to it during or after your marriage. However, it is very easy to undo this protection if you don’t handle the inheritance properly. The statutes don’t say that your spouse has no right to your inheritance under any circumstances whatsoever. However, your inheritance is your sole and separate property as long as you take steps to segregate it from marital assets.
When you commingle your inheritance with marital assets, you cease to shelter it. Commingling means you’ve put it together with marital money or property. If your inheritance is cash and you deposit it into an account held in joint names with your spouse, you’ve commingled it.”

I found this on a legal advice type website, although I can’t remember which one.

But I do think it addresses why the husband banked the inheritance in the manner he did - to not “commingle” and therefore keeping it out of his wife’s reach - ever.

The bigger question is: why would he want to or feel the need to do that? No matter how I turn this
over in my mind - I can’t come up with any well-meaning or positive reasons.

I agree with the position that it is not the money that is the issue - it is the way in which it has been handled by the husband and the son - that action in and of itself.

The whole situation just sucks. I do wish the OP would return and let us know how things are working out. But, I’m afraid we may never know. Another drive-by posting mystery.

WILL PEOPLE PLEASE, PLEASE SPELL OUT ABBREVIATIONS SO PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT? Thank you.

What is DH, what is OP?

I think what he did is horrible. It should have been left to you and your husband and if the children were to be included, then all of them should have been listed. I am furious just reading this. You need some way to talk to him and tell him how you feel and get an attorney involved. If he does not rectify this, then you have some major issues and you may need professional help - counseling and legal - to make things right for you. Good luck. I myself was in a slightly different situation. My husband had a son, highly educated, lots of money, good job, etc. I was barely making ends meet and he wanted everything divided equally. Well, without going into details, I did what I had to do - and it was not easy - but because I worked hard at this issue and did what was morally right, all came out o.k. in the end. But it was very cruel and heartbreaking to me.

I believe what the OP said in her most recent post is that she is expecting an inheritance from HER family which will far outstrip her DH's legacy and that she intended to place it in joint accounts.

It also seems that the OP comes from a family which contributed a great deal to the financial well-being of her family.

This of course, cuts both ways. DH may assume that since her family is wealthier, he doesn't need to share with her.

Money and families are very complicated, as many of us know.

In a newer post daughter2peeps has let us know that she also received some inheritance from MIL, that she planned to put in a joint account. But DH shocked her by putting his in a new separate account. I’m sorry there seems to be some secrecy around this. It would be very hurtful to me as well, since all our money decisions are handled by mutual agreement. We do have separate ira accounts, a left over from our working days, but share passwords and we decide together where money goes. If I found out he opened another account without telling me, the argument would be prefaced with WTF and the fur would fly.

Please don’t tippytoe around this. This will fester. It doesn’t have to be a big planning session, just “So what do you think we should do with that inheritance money? I’m not sure where to put it.” If you don’t like the answer, move yours to your own account as well.

In the chance that hubby DOES have "other" plans, it is still worthwhile to stick up for yourself. Mom and kids deserve part of the "family" inheritance and doing nothing could be dreadful. A sneaky idea would be to talk hubby into spending part of it on the house. Commingling ANY part of the money or giving the appearance thereof converts it to community property in many if not all states. Protect your kids if not yourself.

I doubt that any of this speculative bickering is helpful to the OP, if I were her I would have fled the discussion days ago.

This reminds me of when my mother found out that my father, with a wife and four young children, still had his mother listed as the beneficiary on his life insurance.

My mother was generally submissive to my father, but he got in big trouble for that, as he should have.

Men do stupid things.

You're worried about your sons name being on the account.... Yet you don't know in what capacity his name is listed on the account.

My father put my name upon all of his accounts. All of his accounts are in Trust. I am Successor Trustee. I also have sole POA, after my father removed two sisters, both from co POA and co Trustees, when their behavior and spending habits of a previous inheritance they got became apparent to him. My sisters did it to themselves, nobody else's fault, they don't want to be held accountable for their poor choices in life or poor spending / savings habits. Dad always told them don't come back to me, once you are married, asking or begging for money, yet both of them didn't listen, and did come back begging. My father is not one to be an enabler.

A person in such a position has a tremendous burden and level of responsibility to manage the trust in a professional capacity, or hire those that can manage the trust and assets in a professional capacity.

That you are named a trustee, it's inherent that the person that assigned you that responsibility put their trust in you, to manage it correctly. It's their assets, and their choice, solely. The trust spells out the distribution and beneficiaries upon death, as put in writing.

Facts are, despite all the hearsay info here, husband and son are in the right. That's the law.

Ya might try asking him - personally maybe he did it so your assets aren’t taken should you go in a nursing home or possibly your son will take care of you should the need arise!
I could not imagine he doesn’t want you to have it - do you?

As a few have mentioned, you may be afraid to approach your DH. Seek counseling for yourself, and perhaps later with your DH. I was caregiver for my FIL, who told me he hoped to die prior to his 60th wedding anniversary, because he did not want to celebrate a marriage that had ended in his mind 50 year ago. As a caregiver, it was stressful to be in the house with the 2 of them. Unfortunately, neither of them were able to communicate their needs. And the last 3 years he did not drive and they spent many miserable days together. He told me the reason he kept working until 86 y/o is to avoid her. She was resentful and short with him, because of his lack of affection. She is passive-aggressive. I call her on it when she is that way with me, since I now have to care for her. Prior to caring for my FIL, I had only casual contact with them. What I am learning is passive-aggression was the families mode of communicating leaving all the members feeling discontent with each other. My SIL told me not to question her because she is passive-aggressive, and I would not like to be the recipient of that.

Once the relationship is good, see an elder lawyer. Perhaps you and your DH need advice on planning the financial future.

I wish you well.

I just saw this and I will just throw in my 2 cents. You really need closure on this or you will become very resentful towards your husband and the rest of your married life together will be strained due to that resentment. You really need to explain why you may need at least a percentage to help you after he is gone. You have had a long and I am assuming, good marriage including having 4 children together. You are his family the same as any other member now. He owes you an explanation. He may not be savvy with finances maybe but thinks you will have enough but with inflation, you may need just a percentage to help you with whatever including a caregiver for yourself later. Talk to your husband and ask him what his reasoning was behind this decision. Some men think their wives will remarry later and they don’t want another man benefiting from his inheritance. Yes, that is petty and suspicious but some men do think that way. Women too. I admire the husband and wife who love each other enough to try to make sure the one left is secure enough. Not rich, but not financially stretched. Good luck to you.

If you both are, or were married.
When Joe received the inheritance.

Then no worries.
Anything acquired while married. IS COMMUNITY PROPERTY.
Have at it, enjoy community property.

I'm curious what did Joe say to you when he received the monies?

Seek counsel...

Good Luck!

Joe: You should be ashamed of yourself! Really?!?!

Daughter2: You should sit down with your husband and discuss this - why he did it - was he NOT thinking clearly - tell him that you are HURT.

Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel and ask why he did it

So Joe, what woman or women in your life abused you so terribly that you feel being so vile is appropriate?

Obviously you feel like a little nothing of a male to lash out at a woman that is asking for advice from what should be a safe forum.

It must be so sad being you.

Joe. CPA is not a title you deserve. In all of history no man in marriage has taken advantage of a woman,their spouse financially. But they could have them beheaded if they did not produce an heir. Did they have an advantage there? Stick around here. You will find yourself quite unpopular. Perhaps that is what you are seeking. Well if so congratulations as you have reached that achievement.

Let me guess, Joe - you’re not married, right?

Last I heard, when Peeps married this man 40 YEARS AGO, his “family name” became hers.

And, by the way - you pompous ass - “Irregardless” isn’t a word.

Joe; I think you are mis-reading here.

The OP paid for college education for 4 children out of her salary, rather than contributing to her own retirement funds. While she is the beneficiary of her DH's IRA, there is no will and no word about the house, pension, etc.

If I were in a marriage in which funds were co-mingled, and in which I was being asked for forgo my own retirement savings in favor of paying for college, I'd like my rights of inheritance spelled out. Like in a will. Or a trust.

And I'd want to know the terms. That's called standing up for yourself.

I can't believe all the gold diggers on here... First off, mother on your husbands side is the one that picked her grandson to manage and or handle the Estate or Trust. As such, if either of them are in the position of Successor Trustee or if the estate has gone to probate and son or husband are Exectutors, then they have a fiduciary duty to honor the terms of the Trust or the Estate. It is up to HIS MOTHER as to who she trusts with the remainder of her trust or estate. Either your husband or your son or both have a fiduciary duty to represent her wishes as to who she makes beneficiaries of the trust or estate. If your MIL wanted to exclude you on what her Net Worth was, that's completely at her discretion. It's None of Your Business. You were not left in charge of managing or receiving any of it, otherwise you would have been notified as such.

Your error is in your attitude of entitlement to Legacy money that is from his side of the family. It's very, very common to keep money of the family always in the family name, so as to not dilute the wealth of the family.

You are also entitled to any money to put in your name, that you inherit from your side of the family, and to manage it and spend it as you see fit, but you have ZERO rights to legacy money from his side of the family.

Secondly, your son has breached his fiduciary duty to his grandmother in telling you anything about the value of the estate, or that which your husband inherited... It's his choice and his decision whether through your previous saving or spending habits, he decides he wants to share his inheritance with you. The laws are written this way, because women have been gold diggers to that which is not theirs, forever. Just because you married up to a wealthier family doesn't give you entitlement to his side of the families money.

Your son should be relieved of his position for the errors in his ways, in not respecting his grandmothers or his fathers privacy, by informing you of information that is none of your business. Irregardless of whether you like it or not.

If I were you, I'd butt out. You never should have received that information from your son. Your son is a trouble maker and not honoring his grandmother's wishes. Any family member with money brings out the worst in greed in the rest of the family's behavior when they even get a hint of the smell of money that they can grab when said member gets close to being deceased. All women are like that... all of them.

This is why men nowadays are choosing to no longer get married. The internet has made it possible for them to see the true nature of women and their sense of entitlement and greed, to that which is not theirs.