Is it common for a spouse of many years to exclude their SO from their inheritance?

Did your husband tell your son to take of you if he dies first? Do you and your husband have a Will? Sounds like you have been blessed with a good family, smart children and have had a good marriage.

Your husband apparently did this quietly and it is high time now that you go to an Elder Law Attorney to ask about your rights. Because this ISN'T "right" at all. The money should be left for you, however that is done. You are the one who may need care in future. You have not worked enough through caring for others to even earn good social security due to your care for others. I am truly very very worried about you.

How shocking this must be. But suggest instead of guessing his intentions ask him about it. How you want to map out your future together and care for each other. And be honest that you saw this and are uncomfortable with it. Hopefully it will open to an important conversation about money and the future.

I think an attorney who specializes in elder law is an excellent idea. Elder lawyers preserve income and assets for use while you are still alive. And the more I think about your accountant son, the more skeptical I become about his motives. He may well be setting himself up to be his father's POA and take a salary for managing his dad's affairs.

My thought is maybe your MIL (and not your husband) had your son set up the account this way. She may have by-passed you in favor of her grandson (blood relation). Just trying to make sense of it.

I think you are entitled to his inheritance because you guys are married; you should get half. You should just give a quick call to a lawyer and find out.

Sit down and talk with your husband. Get his answer as to why it is set up this way. It could be possible that he trusted son to put it in an account for both of you and son didn't follow dad's wishes, but instead set it up so that he benefits because he feels that "you being on the 401k is enough".

Then, after you talk with your husband, you and husband together go meet with an estate planning attorney and get everything straightened out the way that you BOTH agree upon. Do not tell son about this or involve him further in the financial planning. It sounds like he can't be trusted.

Lots of questions to be answered. 

My thought was maybe MIL had advised Hubby that the $ was for the children. My mother had accounts that she had told me were for my son for his education. When she passed I went to the bank and had any of those accounts placed in my name in trust for him. She also directed me that any of the funds left in the IRA she left for me should be named with him as the beneficiary if I passed before all the funds were distributed. On that one I had to have my husband sign off in agreement.

Daughter2peeps, have you talked to your husband yet?

Ask your husband. This needs to be sorted out now. I’m trying to deal with questions now that my husband can no longer answer because of his dementia.

Seeing a lawyer sounds like a confrontational act. But it is up to you to do what you can, now, to try to secure your future in the event you outlive him, or you don't remain married to him. Do consult a lawyer and/or qualified financial advisor to protect such assets as you already have control over. It's the smart thing to do even if there is no funny business afoot.

While I have NO experience in this arena - or area, I'd say:
1. Talk to your husband first. It seems to me that this is the major important detail for you to know before allowing yourself to spin into emotional and psychological painful scenarios.
1a. I question or wonder why you didn't talk to him first, before asking here in this forum?
2. Tell him you are going to an Elder Estate Attorney and ask him if he wants to go with you (he might if he is handling things as his inheritance asks).
2a. If he says NO, he won't go (and perhaps asks "why are YOU wanting to go?), how will this affect your relationship with him - now? Trust issues, hurt.
3. Share with your husband how you feel and clear the air.

I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ three years ago, just as we were working on setting up our Estate and all the legal niceties. My DW and I after a lot of discussion decided that the best route for us was to set up a Living Trust in only my DW's name. Ownership of all of our property was put in her Living Trust and I released all ownership in property, we also put in a statement saying " I am making no provisions for my husband." We named our adult children and one of my BIL's as alternate Trustees. This way we will be sure that all of our ;property would pass to our children in equal shares. We sat our adult children down and made them read the entire Trust, and gave them a chance to ask any questions about it.
I also stated in my Pour Over Will, I have made no provision for my oldest (38yrs Old) previous marriage, due to his receipt of a personal injury lawsuit my DW and I financed with no help from his mother. He fired me as his Trustee a couple of years after the lawsuit and named his mother Trustee, he then blew all of his settlement money. What he received in that settlement far exceeds anything our three children will ever get. My oldest got his share and I wanted it spelled out in case he tried to contest my will. I don't believe he would, because, I explained all of this to him. We have about 2 1/2 yrs until the Trust will be established for five years and my DW will have everything to herself. All the other paperwork, medical directives, DPOA, burial requests etc was done by the Estate Attorney's and looked over by an Elder Law Attorney offering advice to review the Trust after a couple of years to make sure all is still compliant with our State Laws.
These actions are unique to our marriage, which is rock solid, We've practiced our faith together from the beginning the time we started dating. We've never had a fight in our 25yrs together including dating yrs and married years. We both sleep better at night.
Finally, I want all who read this to take stock in our advice to take a look at what is best for your family, and take charge of settling your affairs so there is a lot less stress for your DF once you pass away. Yes, this takes Faith and Commitment, we are happy.

Have this conversation with your husband.

You should both go to see an elder law attorney and get advice on the best way to be sure the surviving spouse is protected and the estate is organized properly. Sounds like your husband is doing some amateur estate planning. But, again, talk with him about it.

Seems odd that he would put the account with only one son's name on it. Without knocking the other children, is that son the more responsible one? Would he be more likely to share with you in the event something happened to him or with all siblings in the event something happened to him and then to you? Or is there a possibility this son might be the child who would encourage his dad to put money in both names so that son could move it if hubby happened to need facility care? Like it or not, some kids would blow through any money they can get their hands on and to H3LL with anyone else.

I think I would ask him. There is every possibility he did it thinking it was better for you and him to do so. If he doesn't have a good reason, I would ask to be added to the account so that you would have it should something happen to him first. If he doesn't think you need it and there is any doubt whatsoever about what sonny would do with the money, you should think about how to rat hole some funds of your very own.

This is a conversation you need to have because you DO have to know what you will be living on should he pass first...you BOTH need to know that.

I can't believe all the gold diggers on here... First off, mother on your husbands side is the one that picked her grandson to manage and or handle the Estate or Trust. As such, if either of them are in the position of Successor Trustee or if the estate has gone to probate and son or husband are Exectutors, then they have a fiduciary duty to honor the terms of the Trust or the Estate. It is up to HIS MOTHER as to who she trusts with the remainder of her trust or estate. Either your husband or your son or both have a fiduciary duty to represent her wishes as to who she makes beneficiaries of the trust or estate. If your MIL wanted to exclude you on what her Net Worth was, that's completely at her discretion. It's None of Your Business. You were not left in charge of managing or receiving any of it, otherwise you would have been notified as such.

Your error is in your attitude of entitlement to Legacy money that is from his side of the family. It's very, very common to keep money of the family always in the family name, so as to not dilute the wealth of the family.

You are also entitled to any money to put in your name, that you inherit from your side of the family, and to manage it and spend it as you see fit, but you have ZERO rights to legacy money from his side of the family.

Secondly, your son has breached his fiduciary duty to his grandmother in telling you anything about the value of the estate, or that which your husband inherited... It's his choice and his decision whether through your previous saving or spending habits, he decides he wants to share his inheritance with you. The laws are written this way, because women have been gold diggers to that which is not theirs, forever. Just because you married up to a wealthier family doesn't give you entitlement to his side of the families money.

Your son should be relieved of his position for the errors in his ways, in not respecting his grandmothers or his fathers privacy, by informing you of information that is none of your business. Irregardless of whether you like it or not.

If I were you, I'd butt out. You never should have received that information from your son. Your son is a trouble maker and not honoring his grandmother's wishes. Any family member with money brings out the worst in greed in the rest of the family's behavior when they even get a hint of the smell of money that they can grab when said member gets close to being deceased. All women are like that... all of them.

This is why men nowadays are choosing to no longer get married. The internet has made it possible for them to see the true nature of women and their sense of entitlement and greed, to that which is not theirs.

Joe; I think you are mis-reading here.

The OP paid for college education for 4 children out of her salary, rather than contributing to her own retirement funds. While she is the beneficiary of her DH's IRA, there is no will and no word about the house, pension, etc.

If I were in a marriage in which funds were co-mingled, and in which I was being asked for forgo my own retirement savings in favor of paying for college, I'd like my rights of inheritance spelled out. Like in a will. Or a trust.

And I'd want to know the terms. That's called standing up for yourself.

Let me guess, Joe - you’re not married, right?

Last I heard, when Peeps married this man 40 YEARS AGO, his “family name” became hers.

And, by the way - you pompous ass - “Irregardless” isn’t a word.

Joe. CPA is not a title you deserve. In all of history no man in marriage has taken advantage of a woman,their spouse financially. But they could have them beheaded if they did not produce an heir. Did they have an advantage there? Stick around here. You will find yourself quite unpopular. Perhaps that is what you are seeking. Well if so congratulations as you have reached that achievement.

So Joe, what woman or women in your life abused you so terribly that you feel being so vile is appropriate?

Obviously you feel like a little nothing of a male to lash out at a woman that is asking for advice from what should be a safe forum.

It must be so sad being you.

Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel and ask why he did it

Daughter2: You should sit down with your husband and discuss this - why he did it - was he NOT thinking clearly - tell him that you are HURT.

Joe: You should be ashamed of yourself! Really?!?!

If you both are, or were married.
When Joe received the inheritance.

Then no worries.
Anything acquired while married. IS COMMUNITY PROPERTY.
Have at it, enjoy community property.

I'm curious what did Joe say to you when he received the monies?

Seek counsel...

Good Luck!

I just saw this and I will just throw in my 2 cents. You really need closure on this or you will become very resentful towards your husband and the rest of your married life together will be strained due to that resentment. You really need to explain why you may need at least a percentage to help you after he is gone. You have had a long and I am assuming, good marriage including having 4 children together. You are his family the same as any other member now. He owes you an explanation. He may not be savvy with finances maybe but thinks you will have enough but with inflation, you may need just a percentage to help you with whatever including a caregiver for yourself later. Talk to your husband and ask him what his reasoning was behind this decision. Some men think their wives will remarry later and they don’t want another man benefiting from his inheritance. Yes, that is petty and suspicious but some men do think that way. Women too. I admire the husband and wife who love each other enough to try to make sure the one left is secure enough. Not rich, but not financially stretched. Good luck to you.

As a few have mentioned, you may be afraid to approach your DH. Seek counseling for yourself, and perhaps later with your DH. I was caregiver for my FIL, who told me he hoped to die prior to his 60th wedding anniversary, because he did not want to celebrate a marriage that had ended in his mind 50 year ago. As a caregiver, it was stressful to be in the house with the 2 of them. Unfortunately, neither of them were able to communicate their needs. And the last 3 years he did not drive and they spent many miserable days together. He told me the reason he kept working until 86 y/o is to avoid her. She was resentful and short with him, because of his lack of affection. She is passive-aggressive. I call her on it when she is that way with me, since I now have to care for her. Prior to caring for my FIL, I had only casual contact with them. What I am learning is passive-aggression was the families mode of communicating leaving all the members feeling discontent with each other. My SIL told me not to question her because she is passive-aggressive, and I would not like to be the recipient of that.

Once the relationship is good, see an elder lawyer. Perhaps you and your DH need advice on planning the financial future.

I wish you well.

Ya might try asking him - personally maybe he did it so your assets aren’t taken should you go in a nursing home or possibly your son will take care of you should the need arise!
I could not imagine he doesn’t want you to have it - do you?

You're worried about your sons name being on the account.... Yet you don't know in what capacity his name is listed on the account.

My father put my name upon all of his accounts. All of his accounts are in Trust. I am Successor Trustee. I also have sole POA, after my father removed two sisters, both from co POA and co Trustees, when their behavior and spending habits of a previous inheritance they got became apparent to him. My sisters did it to themselves, nobody else's fault, they don't want to be held accountable for their poor choices in life or poor spending / savings habits. Dad always told them don't come back to me, once you are married, asking or begging for money, yet both of them didn't listen, and did come back begging. My father is not one to be an enabler.

A person in such a position has a tremendous burden and level of responsibility to manage the trust in a professional capacity, or hire those that can manage the trust and assets in a professional capacity.

That you are named a trustee, it's inherent that the person that assigned you that responsibility put their trust in you, to manage it correctly. It's their assets, and their choice, solely. The trust spells out the distribution and beneficiaries upon death, as put in writing.

Facts are, despite all the hearsay info here, husband and son are in the right. That's the law.

This reminds me of when my mother found out that my father, with a wife and four young children, still had his mother listed as the beneficiary on his life insurance.

My mother was generally submissive to my father, but he got in big trouble for that, as he should have.

Men do stupid things.

I doubt that any of this speculative bickering is helpful to the OP, if I were her I would have fled the discussion days ago.